Pastor Gary Brinn of Sayville, New York laid down some serious clergy bitterness in a newspaper article that is going viral in religious circles.
I have a few thoughts about his column. Of course I do! You knew I would!
First and foremost, I am always interested when ordained clergy publicly erode the old pastoral paradigms. Brinn has done this beautifully and for that I applaud his courage. As I have written many, many times, the patriarchal, repressed WASP emotional culture that New England ministers have inherited is damaging to individuals and to the institutions we serve. It thrives on faux piety, repressive formality, secret-keeping and hierarchical power playing. Good for Brother Brinn for blowing it open with the dynamite of authentic emotion and testimony.
That said, I am concerned for any pastor who takes to such a public forum to vent, apparently without first consulting with parishioners or church leaders. Wouldn’t it wonderful if ministers and lay people together could blow the lid off fusty old notions of clergy propriety!? It can be done. I have not ever spoken before of the ways that my own lay leaders have supported, encouraged and cheered me on in being my authentic self in the work of the ministry and how they have helped me to see the importance of keeping on with this mission. So let me make mention of it now. I could not have PeaceBang’s ministry without the support and inspiration of those who call me their parish minister. Of course not everyone appreciates this mission or recognizes its importance, but I would recommend to all of us that we involve supportive lay people and reference them whenever we write critical pieces such as Brinn’s. Most people don’t understand or respect religious life or community at anything but the most shallow, self-serving or sentimental level in the first place ! We don’t need to take this so personally.
The fact that Pastor Brinn lashes out at a specific individual in his community in a local newsletter column says to me that he may be experiencing serious burn-out. It is never a good idea to take up the pen in outrage against an individual in, or immediately after, a hurtful moment. By all means, speak truth about someone in the community interfering with ministry to people who need it. I’ve done that, and never regretted it. But I can’t really get behind an online rant against someone’s rejection of a Christmas Eve sermon. And I don’t think it’s that big a deal that most people don’t have the first clue that we’re as highly educated as we are. I think it’s more important for us to talk about how ministerial expectations have changed radically in the past fifty years, and how much time and money we spent obtaining the necessary credentials and training to do what used to be a far more circumscribed job with a great deal more social support and status attached to it.
I just think that this article was framed in an unfortunate way. As it is written, it makes me worried for the pastor and by extension, his congregation. I think with the perspective granted by a little bit of time and rest, this could have been a more constructive article that didn’t take such a martyred, Lone Ranger tone of “minister against the world.”
I remember a colleague who worked with a very cantankerous congregation as an interim pastor. The culture of complaint was so ingrained that people lined up every week at the conclusion of the service feeling totally entitled to offer their most blistering critique seconds after she had given her heart and soul to them through worship. She had to teach the congregation that this was, in fact, a terrible and destructive habit that personally hurt her and made her want to close her heart in self-protection against them. They were amazed to hear it. What she insisted they do as a spiritual practice was to tell her three things they loved or liked in the sermon before offering any negative feedback. Those who couldn’t come up with three good things were not permitted to share their criticisms.
Rev. Brinn is right. We have far more reason to be loyal to “the regulars.” This is not immature, judgmental or inappropriate in any way. “The regulars” are, in fact, the Church. They are the ones who are living the covenantal obligation to gather regularly for worship and study, service and fellowship. Brinn and I are both in Congregational polity traditions where congregations are gathered not be creed but by covenant. There are “retired saints” of the church for whom age or infirmity make it impossible to participate as fully in the life of the congregation as they did in former times. And there are “special spiritual friends” of the church who want very much to be connected to it in bonds of fellowship and love, but whose work or family obligations make that impossible. There are tentative seekers who are called to spiritual life but for whom church life doesn’t quite fit, so they only visit now and then. We are always glad to see them. There are the hurt and suffering who may drop in as to a wayside hostel, for rest and comfort. We are here for them. There are “God’s All-Stars,” who come for Christmas and Easter only and delight in the beauty, who have fond affection for the church but no intention to attend or participate on a regular basis. Glad to have them when they’re there!
And then there are the church consumers,the Bridezillas and nasty critics and shallow grabbers who think that the church and her rituals can be purchased, and the clergy ordered around to provide the kind of experience the consumer saw on television or in the movie and wishes to replicate for him or herself. They enrage us because they have no integrity and because they expect us to compromise ours. To them, religion is just a photo op with fancy trappings and the church a movie set or a kind of Brigadoon that exists only to meet their needs and then to disappear into the fog like the benign, irrelevant, easily manipulated entity they wish it was.
Rant! Vent! By all means! But gosh, if those types are getting under your skin that deeply, just don’t LET’EM! They’re so much in the minority of what the Church is and where it’ going today, right? RIGHT? Can I get an AMEN?
Let’s write about the good church, how about?
Let’s write about the sincere, lovely people who come to church on Christmas Eve and appreciate being there, and who are grateful that there’s a beautiful tradition they can partake of for just that one night. I met hundreds of them ten days ago or so, and I’d like all of them to know that we welcome them back, that we understand that what we do feels alien and bizarre and maybe slightly intimidating to them and it’s totally okay if they’ve decided they don’t want to be part of our church life.
But it would be super if they might stop by some other time, or times, and felt the beautiful, great spirit that they felt on Christmas Eve at other times of year.
So, some cranky, wounded man insults you now and then. Yea, and I’ve been on a few hideously bad blind dates this year, too ( I say this to Pastor Brinn as a fellow singleton minister). But we ministers make a lot of really beautiful love with a lot of great people, too — some of them spiritual one night stands, you know? Let’s tell that secret.
Anyway, his editorial is getting a LOT of attention and that’s a great thing. We need to be talking in a real way about religious life and its many challenges. I wish him well with the subsequent spotlight on his face. Call me, brother. I’ve been there.
Kiss of peace, PB
and this church person says, Amen. thank you.
Bravo. I read his article today and thought about how well he articulated what we all feel at times but how uncomfortable I would be sharing it. There’s a bit of snarkiness there that lets me know he’s lost the joy for a moment and even though I would love my congregation to understand these things about ministerial life, I would never for one moment want them to think that I don’t also understand what a privilege and a gift it is to serve in this particular capacity. We don’t do this because it’s easy. We do it because we can’t do anything else. And everyone that walks through the door is a gift.
“Spiritual one night stands…” Amen!! Preach on, sister. I’m feelin’ the love.
You always seem to make yourself seem so much better than everyone else. When I see your name on other blog sites, I get so annoyed. Stick to chiding women pastors for what they wear. [Oh, nanny nanny boo boo. Having a bad day? Feeling a little insecure about yourself? Talk to your therapist. “Peacebangsucks@yahoo.com?” Are you in sixth grade? I just hope to god you’re not ministry I hope you be annoying you a lot in the new year. Seems like you could use it.- PB]
The blog, as I read it, was a heartfelt presentation of serious concerns — yes, comments about service need to be welcomed AND yes, civility is always called for, appropriate timing too; yes, all are welcomed AND yes, the alter does not sit on a stage with actors and props (clergy need to remember this as well).
I do wish that Pastor Brinn had not written this in what may have been post-Christmas exhaustion, but then the honesty and heartache might not have been so available to him. With you I pray for his strength and patience in converting this from rant to action, his congregation as well.
Funny, all my Episcopalian compadres thought the article was right on. As did I. In fact, I think the author was more charitable than I would have been. [That’s so interesting. I wonder if there are markedly different emotional cultures in our traditions. That’s worth exploring. Like, maybe the congregational polities cultivate a pastoral style that’s mild and Milquetoasty Jesus because the congregation has the authority to hire + fire? Also, Sarah, where are you regionally? I don’t recall. – PB]
I’ve been thinking about what the Rev. Brinn wrote since I read it a couple days ago and what you wrote as well. As a lay person who has had more than my fair share of moments in which I’ve been the thorn in a clergy person’s backside (and likewise have had a moment or two of a clergy person acting way out of line toward me), I didn’t take what he wrote as “serious clergy bitterness.” It just seemed honest to me and while I did question the wisdom of where he chose to publish it when I first read it, I thought the article was truthful. I have had the occasional clergy person say a couple of these things that you all are supposedly not allowed to say. As painful as some of those moments were, in the long run I appreciate the honesty. Incidentally, I am an Episcopalian though I am a transfer from a more congregational and conservative type of church.
Sarah G. I am an Episcopal priest and I thought some of it was right on and some was whiny. There are days when I want to say some of those things but mostly glad when I do not. There are times and places to get ones rant out. But really — I like what Susan Snook wrote about her exhaustion – recognizing that just about all the members of the congregation she serves are burned out at this time of year — it is not just a clergy thing.
I’m also an Epsicopalian who has been thinking a lot about this.
I didn’t read his editorial as burnout, because felt he had a strong redemption at the end. I felt he does have a love for his work, just a (justly earned) exasperation. I read it as a strong exhaustion- basically, this is the reaction I would get off RGIII if I were to berate him tonight, without a thought for his other amazing exploits. If all RGIII knew of me were my snarling at him for the outcome of this last game, I’d deserve all the crankiness I got.
There’s a lot going on here- failure of basic etiquette on the part of the commenter, frustration of the pastor on that societal impression of or work- but what it comes down to? For me, the one night stand only gets to say “thanks, that was amazing” or it can just slip out quietly in the wee hours with no comment. But for the one night stand to say, “yeah, you were a lousy roll” isn’t honesty. It’s just bad manners and cruelty, and anyone would be justified in throwing the ngrateful person out on their arse.
Perhaps the sports metaphor works better!
Thanks, PB, for being thought provoking! [You’re welcome. What’s RGIII? – PB]
Yes, Christmas is a super busy time that taxes clergy strength and energy. And the ‘hey pastor’ line at the end of a Christmas eve service is not the best time to receive comments deeper than “nice service.” However, I wonder if a opportunity for pastoral care and outreach was missed when the negative comment was taken so personally. Yes, comments like that hurt terribly but I have also found in my mid-west Lutheran ministry, where people are generally too polite to say what they’re thinking and too proud to ask for help, that a negative comment like that is rarely about the pastor or the service and really about some deeper pain in that person’s life. Even with a CEO, a follow up pastoral care call about a negative comment generally reveals that it was not about you but about the person. But maybe the call should be made after a nice refreshing week of vacation.
PB, I’m in north Alabama. My most difficult call was a small church that thought they were too sophisticated to really believe in Jesus, and were absolutely determined not to change, even though it is resulting in death of the parish by attrition.
PS–the very, very last straw was the morning a fight broke out at announcement time over locking the office doors. The liturgy was the one thing that was still right, and they ruined that. I do not cry when I’m working, but tears fell throughout the entire prayer of consecration, distribution of communion, all the way to the end of the service. The next day I called the bishop and began plotting my resignation. I told him that I had practiced remarkable restraint not to preach a “Grow the F— up, people!” sermon. He was grateful. [Oh, oh, oh. They desecrated the liturgy. How harrowing for you. Oh oh oh, ouch. It pains just to imagine you there in those circumstances. HONEY!- PB]
Side conversation: (Oh, Sarah G., I had a very similar experience in a very similar parish. Worship was the one thing that had worked and when a woman tore me to pieces right before the procession in, I could not hold back the sobbing after three years of abuse. The good news is that family did leave the parish because I told them they would not be happy in the Episcopal Church — very fundamentalist family — and there is at least a little opening for health with them gone. However, seeing the largest givers out the door meant I had to leave, too.) [Oh, oh oh oh ouch again. HONEY! – PB]
Gary was a close friend of mine at seminary, and I have to tell you, this is 100% pure, classic, unadulterated Gary. Cheer him or cluck at him or anywhere in between–but for better or worse, this is his voice. What I mean to say is–this is not the voice of burnout or post-Christmas exhaustion…this is just who he is.
PB, I think what you do, and have helped me and other ministers to do as well, is to be more fully authentic as human beings by using the internet and social media tools. Here is very conservative Midland Michigan, I was recently asked to become a contributing writer to the Midland Daily News online blog – http://www.ourmidland.com/users/profile/uurevjeff/. I have already been called numerous unkind names, been told I should go live in Communist Russia, and had my faith ridiculed mercilessly. [OUCH. Honey dear, that’s rough. It’s so hard to stick our necks out, but I promise you that it will actually get easier and then eventually downright entertaining to get these kinds of remarks. It just gets actually kind of fascinating. You keep at it and in some miraculous way God spares you from taking it personally any longer. Occasionally you get a difficult criticism that hurts because it’s spot-on, but those are also wonderful in their own way because they wake you up. Most of it is just doctrinal crap, fear and ignorance. – PB]
Each attack hurts me — deeply. [I have total confidence that there will come a time that each attack will NOT hurt you. – PB] And each time I must resist the urge to quickly respond, either in self-defense or even in counterattack. The urge is powerful. [Yes, it is. And if you’re developed an on-line persona that is not sassy and counter-attacky, which is how I started with PeaceBang (and then evolved a bit, I hope!), you really must resist those urges. The question is, how much? What a difficult terrain to navigate: wanting to be interesting, snappy enough to keep folks reading, and strong, but not combative. It’s very interesting to me to see how clergy columnists find their voices. Some are just so warm and smart and good AND snappy. Most, to me, are just blerghy. Stuffed shirt, over-earnest pomposity. – PB]
But I feel that we clergy must be the role models — not doormats, but examples of how to speak truth openly and fearlessly. [And maybe with some humor? I’m a big fan of humor!- PB] We must help the ship of this society redirect its course to one of civility and compassion and challenge the current dominance of this culture of anger, violence, and intolerance.
When my feelings get stomped, I just remember all of those who came before me who took far worse abuse so I could have the honor of being a minister. [ME too! And I remember all the sassypants women who were tortured and even murdered for being “scolds” or uppity. That’s why I will never stop referring to myself as a Witch. – PB] And I remember that for every bully who, lacking facts and argument to make their case try to use intimidation to silence me, there are dozens of lurkers taking it all in. [Yes, there are. Many more eyes are upon you than you realize. I used to get freaked out by that but there’s so much content out there on the interwebs now, I take it all in stride. – PB] There are so many people out there looking for hope, praying for a sign that we can make this asylum we live in a better place. I blog for them. [ME TOO. Everyone else can go pee up a rope, as an old teacher of mine used to say. – PB]
Keep up your good work — you are a great inspiration. [Thanks for letting me know that, brother. Hope to see you in person at something soon. Kiss of peace, PB]