Beauty Tips for Ministers

Biker Bar Ministry, Or Beer Evangelism

What an interesting letter! L. writes,

Just found your website, and thank you! It’s wonderful!

I’m a new pastor, living in XX. (A new climate and culture for me- that’s relevant.) I’m having a blast shopping thrift and creating cute new outfits for myself- ask me sometime about how working with transgender women has given me permission to do this. But it is time for me to re-evaluate my make-up routine, both for professional reasons, and because my [new city's] dry heat in winter, gosh-awful humidity in the summer is doing awful things to my face.

But I have no earthly clue how to start with new make-up, esp on a budget! When I shop for myself at drugstores, I invariably come home with some color that doesn’t work *at all.* I’d love to get a make-over, but am scared of both the price and the scrutiny. Does one just walk up to a make-up counter at a department store and ask? Am I then obligated to buy their expensive stuff?

One other “help!” question I’ve yet to find on your site- I’m often invited, in my pastoral role, to go to drag bars, or places other than my seminary profs pictured me, to watch parishoners perform, or generally do what my church calls “beer evangelism.” I think this is wonderful! But haven’t a clue what to wear. I’m hyper-conscious that some folks may feel judged if I come across as too middle-class or uptight, but also don’t want to be believable as a pastor when introduced as such. I’ve considered dark jeans, black heeled boats, black leather blazer, and a cute v-neck underneath. Can you help?

Dear Newbie,
How lovely to hear from you, and thank you for loving BTFM! We love you right back!

Let me take your inquiries one at a time:

1. Moving to a new climate almost always creates problems with the hair and complexion. You may find it useful to stick with the most gentle products for awhile (Cetaphil cleanser, fragrance-free moisturizers and eye cream) to let your skin calm down. Stay hydrated. Do not panic and start slapping all kinds of chemical treatments on your face, which will only exacerbate problems: stick to a simple routine of cleansing, moisturizing and gently exfoliating. Use a good eye cream and sunscreen year-round. See the BTFM archives for TONS of product reviews of skin care products.

2. Don’t fear the make-over, but don’t go in for one unless you’re in an up and confident mood — confident enough to enjoy the suggestions you’re getting and to resist any hard sells. I know there’s a Sephora in your city; schedule a day and go get a make-over and play, play, play! Again, you’ll find tons of make-up tips and reviews in the archives here. It takes time to get to know what works for you, and there’s absolutely zero reason to buy expensive make-up when drugstore versions often do the job as well or better. I think that ALLURE magazine does a really good job teaching make-up tips to ordinary working women, while other fashion mags are much more fanciful with their looks. My list of the make-up basics would include a base for evening-out skin tone (I rarely use it on the entire face, just on ruddy areas), a loose powder and fluffy brush to clean up shinies, a neutral blush (look at Nars Orgasm for a universally flattering shade unless you have dark black skin), lipstick or gloss, eye shadow or liner, and mascara. As a 40-something gal, I am also very devoted to skin illuminating products, but I think you’re years away from needing those!
You can buy lipsticks and glosses from Wet ‘N’ Wild for under $3 each, which can start you off finding colors you like without making a huge investment. Ask friends if you can try their make-up on. Learn which brands highly pigment their products and which don’t (I, for instance, have often been furious to see that a lipstick that looked so pretty in its packaging wore as almost totally sheer on the lips). EXperiment, darling! Make-up knowledge takes time to develop. I’m a true cosmetics hound and even I make bummer purchases now and then, even with extensive knowledge of hundreds of brands and formulas.

3. I think you included a typo when you wrote of not wanting to be believable as a pastor when introduced as such. I think you meant that you DO want to be believable as a pastor. And my dear, nothing can do that you but your own belief that you are a real, live pastor. Clap your hands if you believe in pastors!! You’re not Tinkerbell, lambkins. You’re a minister. Wear what you like, and don’t try too hard or worry too much about how others see you. For instance, I think that a black leather jacket is a bit of overkill with the outfit you describe (unless you already have a leather jacket you love) and if I was a biker I might grin and think you were trying pretty hard to make me like you. If you’re middle-class, be middle class. If you don’t want to seem uptight and judgmental, let your demeanor take care of that, not your clothes. There’s a big difference between being thoughtful, respectful and appropriate with your clothing and taking them on as a kind of costume that “allows” you to be present to a community of folks, wherever they happen to be.

Your calling (ie, your vocation) is your calling card, not your clothes. And yes, I think jeans and a cute V-neck and blazer or jacket with boots sounds terrific. Add a genuine smile, a listening ear and eye contact to that combo and I’m sure you’ll be welcome wherever you go. Blessings, dear.

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Inevitable Comparisons

It just occurred to me today that if your church building is new and gorgeous and contemporary and you look in any way frumpy, the contrast will be especially striking. As in, “Wow. This building is stunning! So clean, so open, so bright, so majestic! The parements! The stained glass! The…. totally frumpy minister with the nerdy glasses and the dandruff. Ouch.”

Similarly, if you preside at worship with a colleague who is also an age peer, and he looks terrific and vibrant and snappy and you look drab and like you simply rolled out of bed, brushed your flat, badly-cut hair, put on the ugliest shoes you could find and came to church, you’re going to invite inevitably unfavorable comparisons. As in, “Yowks. He obviously has a following here and is loving this ministry. The other one, though… clearly second-class citizen on the ministry staff.”

We should never, ever announce by drab appearance that we feel like a second-class citizen in any ministry. Or if you must, why not just wear a sign around your neck? “MY COLLEAGUE IS THE CHARISMATIC, WELL-GROOMED ONE THAT YOU’D PREFER TO LOOK AT AND LISTEN TO. PLEASE PAY NO ATTENTION TO ME. I DON’T REALLY BELONG UP HERE.”

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Blotcherina: Before and After

As you well know, my precious peanuts, PeaceBang is a HUGE believer that a bit of make-up can benefit any woman and that too many women walk around looking unnecessarily wan and blotchy and/or totally nondescript. She therefore LOVES and is a huge sucker for those before-and-after photos showing how much artfully applied cosmetics help create a public-ready face. In that spirit, and because I’m obviously feeling masochistic today, here is PeaceBang’s blotchy winter face without a stitch of make-up on:

And here I am after a bit of base to even out the skin tone, some creme blush, eyeliner, mascara and lippy. My hair is obviously down. Total time to apply = 4 minutes.

Yes, I am smiling in the second shot and that makes a difference (I love that in the Before and After ads and mag articles, the Before shot almost always looks like a mug shot at the very best: hunched shoulders, miserable expression, bad lighting), but the lighting and setting are the same. The specs don’t make any difference IMHO.

Which person would you rather see walk into the room of your nursing home for a visit?

BTFM would LOVE to see your Before and After shots! It’s fun! Send ‘em in (use the Need Help? link to send me e-mails with attachments).

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Snowy Sunday

Happy new year, angels. We are in our eleventy-billionth day of SNOW SNOW AND MORE SNOW and the guys didn’t even come and plow me out this morning. The dog didn’t want to go out into the wind and do his business. I was deeply desirous of climbing back under the covers but the LORD MUST BE WORSHIPPED and besides, I have wicked cabin fever and was perked up remarkably by being with my congregation.

We dedicated a sweet little boy this morning (dedication is the Unitarian Universalist rite for blessing and naming babies and, in the case of our congregation, welcoming them into the covenanted community as children of the church). After a dedication I always take the baby around the church so people can see him or her up close. The baby always gurgles happily, the choir sings, people get teary-eyed and it’s just really lovely. This little guy was too old to carry and hold up, so I led him around by the hand. He’s not waving in this photo but he waved at everyone and they waved back and someone took this photo with his i-phone.

That Buster Brown suit and the chumbly knees are going to make me happy for like, the next decade. I don’t even mind any more that I’ll undoubtedly be stuck wearing huge ugly snow boots for the next sixteen weeks.

Happy new year, pigeons!

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Web Site Photo

Darlings,
In the midst of working on my doctoral project this evening, I went to a certain congregation’s website to check something about their history. I saw that their senior minister has an impressive photo in resplendent robes and looks elegant, professional, dignified and absolutely like someone who belongs in the pulpit of that venerable institution (or anywhere else, for that matter). Hair, perfect. Make-up, skin, lighting = expert. Expression, wise and knowing.

The Associate Minister’s photo is a smaller head-shot that features a shadowed face with flushed, sweaty complexion, bedraggled hair and a bit of body apparently clad in a rumpled cotton tank top.

This is really, really not okay. It was shocking, in fact. The contrast between the two images was actually disturbing, as though these two people existed on a different planet of self-respect and clergy image.

If you are in a multi-staff ministry, is there consistency among the images on your website? And that includes the entire staff, from secretarial to janitorial. If folks are featured on the website, they ought to be photographed equally well and with the same degree of formality. You should see to it.

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No, This Isn’t Progress

Dear PeaceBang,
I recently attended a workshop where I was the lone Congregationalist minister among a group of amazing Episcopal women priests and rectors. Dress was casual, so I wore slacks, a twin set, a cute scarf, flats, and modest jewelry. What struck me was how all these (middle aged) women of accomplishment, personal beauty, etc., wives and mothers all, at this meeting dressed in ways that utterly negated their femininity: very short cropped off hair, very baggy sweaters/shirts/pants, sensible shoes, and most of them badly needed a bra intervention. It was as if they were trying to look like honorary men to be in their field. It bothered me enormously. Surely, this is not progress! I’d be interested in your comments on this phenomenon.

Dear Amazed,
This is the phenomenon to which PeaceBang, in her own irreverent manner, is constantly calling our attention.
I don’t think this is so much about trying to be “honorary men,” but about these worthy women being afraid to be polished and put-together, not knowing how to be, or having internalized the pernicious and naive message that “those things” don’t matter.

As PeaceBang is always, always affirming, those things DO matter. They matter tremendously. Drab, aggressively sexless, sartorially clueless people in any profession make a statement by their very presence, and that statement is not a good one. Some of the non-verbal statements such appearance makes are:

1. I do not want anyone to look at me.
2. I don’t deserve attention; being noticed is something I am not prepared to accept and a responsibility I do not want.
3. I am harmless; in fact, I am passive. The world is happening around me and I hope to be invisible in it.
4. I don’t care. I occupy an alternative universe where appearance doesn’t matter — and if you notice that I am frumpy, it must be because you are not as holy as I am.
5. (similar) You should be enlightened enough not to be distracted by my terrible clothing and ill-fitting undergarments: what’s the matter with you? This isn’t my problem, but yours.
6. Please do not mistake me for a leader. Isn’t it obvious from my demeanor and my attire that I have no desire to represent any ideal higher than that of personal comfort? If there were camera crews outside covering today’s event, my on-camera appearance would immediately communicate to the public that nothing of real importance happens in here.

I have been writing this column for several years now, and it makes me sad to hear these reports. It makes me sad that so many clergywoman still write me letters accusing me of being materialistic and sexist and judgmental when really, I’m just reporting how public image works and is interpreted in the dominant culture. If religious leaders want to have a positive influence in the world, it really helps if we understand — and accept — how the world works. As always, it depends where your ministry is. I am writing mostly for parish ministers located in secular communities where the Church is seen as a quaint, easy-to-ignore institution that dabbles in good works and engages in arcane rituals of no interest to sophisticated, intelligent people. Being insistently invisible and schlubby in our appearance is just another way to validate that image.

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