Beauty Tips for Ministers

Mirror, Mirror On the Wall

OH pigeons,

PeaceBang has had a revelation. Actually, this is the fifth or sixth time she has had this realization, but now she is going to do something about it and say something about it. It is this:

Get a full-length mirror.
More specifically, get a full-length mirror that does not distort you either favorably or unfavorably.
Look in that mirror every day.
If you have the tendency to gain weight without noticing that you have, look in that mirror at least once a week as nekkid as the day God made you, including the side and back view. Just notice where your body is changing. Don’t be mean; this is the vessel of the Holy Spirit and your beloved spaceship for this lifetime. The point of this exercise is not to berate yourself or to pick apart your imaginary faults (and please don’t do this exercise at all if you have a history or eating disorders or body dysmorphia*), but just to notice if you are gaining weight. This would be a good time to weigh yourself.

This is similar to the full-length mirror that PeaceBang has at home:

A slight tilt and a slim mirror will always be slimming.

This is the mirror that resembles the mirror PeaceBang needs to get. It is wider, and she can mount in on the wall and avoid the “slimming tilt” effect:

$99 at IKEA.

Do not even say the word “diet.” PeaceBang does not belive in diets. She believes in “eat less, move more.” She also believes in honesty, as in “OH MY GOD, I HAVE GOT TO FINISH THIS DISSERTATION BEFORE I EXPLODE.”

My charming hostess (a former congregational board chair) reminds me to remind you that a full-length mirror in your church office is an imperative. I concur. THAT mirror is for checking for various askew bits and pieces (hem showing, pant caught in your sock, toilet paper sticking to your shoe, crooked stole) so you can fix ‘em before you go out to lead worship.

Kisses, darlings!

*As Joy Lightning reminds us in her comment, body dysmorphia can run in the opposite direction, too, which is how it runs with me. I simply don’t feel as large as I am and it’s easy to pack on a lot of pounds before I notice anything — and as Rachael Ray memorably remarked a few years ago, most clothing today will fit us comfortably within a 20-lb. weight range. Not that I usually pay a whit of attention to anything that Chuckles says, but that was spot on. – PB]

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Shout-Out: Googling God

Mike over at Googling God has a great post on dressing for church — and on jackass pastors who give parishioners a dressing down for… dressing down. Can you imagine being like, “Oh, I thought you were new here. We don’t wear shorts to church.” WAY TO GO, HOSPITALITY! As much as PeaceBang harps on bad ministerial attire she certainly doesn’t recommend harrassing the faithful about their clothing choices (unless they’re assisting in the service, in which case it’s fine to gently make some suggestions if one must).

Here’s the post, and thanks for calling me “esteemed,” Mike. Gee. *blush*

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Say YES!

The gay man in me wants you to listen to Liza Minelli singing “Yes” from her special, “Liza With a Z” RIGHT NOW. There’s a link below, and you can thank me later.
And then after you’ve done that, listen to Barbara Cook singing Stephen Sondheim’s marvelous show tune, “Everybody Says Don’t” from “Anyone Can Whistle.”

Because there are too many Nancy Negativos and Ned No-You-Shouldn’ts out there in the land of ministry, chickadees, and PeaceBang is gonna tell it!

One of the most beautiful ways to witness to the living God in our lives is to say YES. Wave it on with a smile, send it off with a blessing, congratulate it and kiss it on the head and let it go!

God is working in the world, pigeons, have some of us forgotten that!!?
CRIPES, you’d certainly think so, with all the dour faces and finger-wagging out there. Lord, we can be as drab in our attitudes as we can with our clothes; and it’s all part of the same problem, my darlings!!!

“Well… I’m not sure. We’ve never done it that way before.”
“I don’t think you should … wouldn’t that be wasteful?”
“Sigh. I’m working so much harder than anyone else. I just can’t.”
“I’d hold back.”
“You shouldn’t do it that way. *sigh, groan* Let me show you.”

BLECH. Boo! Hiss!! Poverty mentality, stingy spirit, go away! Say YES. Say, “Sure!” Say, “Wow!” Say, “LOVE it! Go for it!” Say, “Why not?” Say, “It’s not something I would have thought of, but I can’t wait to see how it turns out!”

Thank you, God, for never being small-spirited with us. Let us say YES in Your spirit today. Amen!!! And woot woot!

If you can’t view the video, click here.

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Gloves Are BACK!

Good afternoon, pumpkin spice muffins.

My church secretary and I have just been talking about flu shots and preventive health practices in our congregation and the fact that viruses can live for simply eons (two weeks, to be exact) on paper money. Isn’t that disgusterando?

With that in mind, PeaceBang is going to run out to the store today and buy her ushers beauootiful, fashionable latex gloves they can use when counting the offering on Sunday.

We also talked in church (during Joys and Concerns, which is sort of like Prayers of the People in the Christian tradition) about alternatives to kissing and hand shaking. As a result, in the receiving line after the service I got several fist and forearm “bumps,” one hip bump, two “self-hugs” (where you wrap your arms around yourself in joy as if hugging the other person), a dozen or so loud air kisses and one lovely Japanese-style bow.

Wash those paws frequently and be sure to carry Kleenex with you!

Stay healthy, butterbeans!

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Strategizing Your Crazy Week

Perhaps you, like PeaceBang, are looking at the week ahead with some alarm.
“Holy cows!” you say. “I kind of forgot about that lecture I’m giving on Wednesday night over at the neighboring church 30 minutes away. I agreed to do that presentation for the Andover-Newton class on Thursday night. And then, gosh, what if the funeral director in Rockland can’t get the part-time pastor to do that Thursday morning funeral and I really do wind up with that on my schedule? Hmmm. Thursday isn’t going to be sermon-writing day, that’s for sure. I’ll be lucky if it’s “Wear Socks That Match Day.” Oh yea, there’s that downtown Boston visit I really need to make tomorrow, and a couple who wants to meet on Wednesday, which means that I really should be done prepping my covenant lecture TONIGHT, really.”

And you go on like this until you work up a big head of anxiety steam and before you know it you’re squawking and flapping like a demented duck.

Well, duckies, here’s what PeaceBang does when the week threatens to squash her.

1. Clean the kitchen. Really. Get rid of crap on the counters, fill the water jug, make some herbal iced tea and a pitcher of iced coffee. Refill the dog’s kibble container, empty the garbage, make a casserole and lay in some healthy snacks. You won’t have time to do those things later in the week. Sweep the floor tonight.

2. Do the laundry. Iron some key items so that you don’t have to wrestle that white blouse all over the ironing board when you’re in a real hurry.

3. Clean out your purse and re-organize it. Charge your cell phone. Make sure you’ve got breath mints, aspiring/Advil, hand sanitizer, lipstick, eye drops, a powder compact and fresh hankie in your cosmetics case.
Get $50 cash in small bills so you’re not flinging your ATM card around like a monkey incurring mindless little expenses all week rushing around. Stash a small notebook and plenty of pens in a side pocket. Tuck in your Bible.

4. Fill the gas tank. You’ll thank me for this later.

5. Make social plans with friends for Friday night NOW. You’re going to need them.

AFTER you have accomplished all of these things, and only then, tidy up your study, update your calendar, carefully plan for everything you need to do (including walking the dog, sleeping, exercise, eating meals in a semi-sane fashion), make some notes, send a few e-mails, take a deep breath, and turn off the computer.
Go draw yourself a bath, give yourself a facial, scrub your feet, shave your legs, and get a good night’s sleep.

You will arise the next morning feeling ready to do your work. Serve well and faithfully, and let God make it happen through you.

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Duly “Noted”

One of the best gifts MotherBang ever gave me in my young years was gorgeous William Arthur stationery with my name engraved in rich green ink. The envelopes had a green sort of William Morrison flower motif, and the paper was rich ivory stock. She bought me both letter size and card stock. Elegant as hell.

I used those cards for years –to send thank-you notes, special fan letters, condolences – -and re-ordered them again and again over the next decades. I still have some left in my desk at the parsonage.

One of my favorite things to do at the start of the church year is to hunt for beautiful note cards. It can be a challenge, since many designs are either too big or too whimsical for my pastoral needs. What I like is pretty designs but nothing too saccharine. I also load up on sympathy cards, congratulations cards and thank you cards, although I believe that when in doubt, send your best monogrammed stuff.

As we rely more and more on e-mail correspondence, it is really special to receive a hand-written note. If this concept hasn’t occurred to you (and men, I am under the impression that for some reason, you have been less encouraged that women have been to sit down and pen notes — but if I’m wrong, please correct me!), get some notes and start writing!! Worry less about the design on the note card (but nothing too erotic — say, Klimt’s lovers embracing — or too sardonic– say, Andy Warhol’s soup can) and put your heart on the page.

I even buy stickers to seal the envelope with — sunflowers, usually — and I own a few actual wax seals. I used to design my own writing paper with rubber stamps, but who has time for that these days?

Yes, spelling and penmanship count.

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