My dear pigeon R. writes from the Left Coast,
I’ve been scanning your archives — looking for thoughts on funereal wear for clergywomen when robing isn’t appropriate. Has that been a post yet? If so, can you direct me? If not, I’d value your opinion: memorial service for sudden death of young middle-aged woman, very disparate “congregants” will be in attendance, will be a non-church auditorium in [city], somewhat of a “public” service, all the men will be in suit & tie. I’m presiding. I’m thinking it requires a suit and stole (rather than separates) but pondering navy? black? must it be a wool? could it be boucle or is that just too much? And, of course, I don’t have a suit so I’ll be looking this week.
Would value any thoughts that come to your mind —
Dear one,
Yep, this occasion calls for a good black pants suit. A skirt suit isn’t a terrible idea, but why have legs on display if the guys are all going to be in trousers? This isn’t a sexism issue it’s more of a conforming issue: it’s not the day to stand out as “one of these things is not like the others.”
Bouclé is too touchy-feely for a formal occasion. I would actually go so far as to lay down a PB Law and say, “No bouclé at funerals, period.” Avoid textured garments in general at funerals.
Black suit and silk blouse (or poly, of course). No cotton or poplin or pinstripe. This is a good color although too shiny. I like the neckline, however, and would definitely wear something like this for a funeral with a black suit:
I think that a stole looks almost ridiculous in a public auditorium and would advise against it. A stole is a liturgical garment and isn’t appropriate in this setting. Some may argue with me but to me it communicates, “I will awkardly impose this flapping weird garment over my appropriate and professional clothing in order to (a) insist that this is a liturgical occasion, which it is not and (b) make sure you all know that I am a Religious Person With Credentials Who Really Needs You To Know That I’m A Religious Person Who Gets To Wear One Of These Things.
Skip it. Wear a black suit. Charcoal, brown, navy or plum are also options for today’s funerals but not for the presiding clergy person. A black suit or separates. What you want to go for is handsome and classic. Make sure the fit is impeccable, and fellas, this goes for you too. Attention to cuffs and sleeves, please. The pants should not puddle around your ankles or reveal socks. Sleeves should end at the top of the hand when the arms are down at the sides. Gentlemen or those in men’s wear, we should see some cuff. That is why the good Lord made cufflinks.
from The Limited:
I assume the suit from The Limited actually has a blouse under it, but has become “one” with the model’s skin tones on my computer screens. Otherwise, ack! Could I also put in a small rant against the gigantic holy symbol (in our tradition, chalice) worn at sternum level? A small lapel pin or pendant, okay, but at a size meant to be seen in close-up conversation, not by the back row. [I know. The “SEXY TIME” suits crack me up. Like these gals are all lounging around in business casual with plunging decolletage. Which, maybe they are. Kids today. I don’t know. And ACK and DOUBLE ACK on the big pectoral chalices. – PB]
Although, I am not a collar wearer ordinarily, it is my custom to wear a collar with a black suit for funerals. I got that advice from another clergy person back when I started out. It’s much less clunky than a stole or a huge cross, and still sets the tone if, in fact, this is a worship service with civic elements held in a public space because the deceased was so well known (the word “presider” makes me think that) and not a civic service in which one person happens to be clergy (in which case, I’d still do black suit but with a regular blouse.)
I think every clergy needs a well fitting black suit pretty much always. [Yep. And I like your idea. – PB]
I second that while I do not generally wear a collar, but always do for funerals. I agree with the standard black suit. I have done funerals in summer where the death was not sudden, and wore a skirt with a pattern with a black jacket, but I would not do so for a more formal ceremony or more tragic circumstances.
Yep to all. I think I have that exact suit from the middle picture, and it comes out for community funerals… I think last wore it for a funeral home service of a young women who died suddenly and her pastor (my colleague ) was on vacation. Everyone needs one. Amen, PB. Hit nail on head with this one.
Btw, full stole, I agree is a no. Have you an opinion on the chaplain’s stole? [I just wouldn’t. At bedside, sure. At the funeral, no.- PB]
Definitely a collar.
And I say that not just b/c it’s customary in my tradition. I disagree w/ PB in this sentence; “(a) insist that this is a liturgical occasion, which it is not and (b) make sure you all know that I am a Religious Person With Credentials Who Really Needs You To Know That I’m A Religious Person Who Gets To Wear One Of These Things.”
IMO, if you are actually presiding over the whole thing, not just offering an invocation or a benediction as a pious addition to a secular event, and if it has an order of service that is recognizably religious, involving scripture and prayers or religious hymnody, and you are being asked to preside *because* of your religious role in the person’s life or in the community, then you dress “in uniform”. You do this precisely **because** it signals your role. It says that you are there qua minister and pastor, a person with authority to proclaim sacred things, to speak of mystery and grief and loss and hope, to say these holy words from a spiritual tradition, to proclaim Good News,to be a resource for those there who are grieving or questioning, to provide that “container” and ritual space for their grief. You are not there simply as Jane Smith who happened to know the deceased well and is comfortable reading from a podium in front of a lot of people. Our role is a privilege and an asset, not a liability.
If there was to be, for example, a presentation of the national colors or a rifle salute b/c the person was a veteran, you wouldn’t require the color guard to be in civilian clothes lest they “make it a military event’ or “look like people who Really Need you to know they are military people who get to wear these things ,” nor would you find their uniforms odd or pretentious. Umm, that IS why they’re there. They have a certain skill set, their presence is making a certain statement about the values of the deceased, and they have the *authority* to handle “sacred” symbols and perform rites of meaning and honor that the civilian does not. They are symbol-bearers and conveyors of meaning and honor/value. So are we.
IMO one doesn’t wear a stole, b/c a stole is more liturgical and sacramental, and really isn’t meant to go w/ street clothes except in emergency, but IMHO you do wear a collar with your suit.
If your tradition simply doesn’t ever wear collars, period, full stop, or if you can’t get a collar or suit in time, I’d even say a (well-fitting, good-condition) black Geneva gown, with or without tabs/bands, could be appropriate and wouldn’t be pretentious. (For those of us in more Catholic circles, a simple black cassock equates, though presumably we all own collars and black shirts . . ..) A proper black preaching gown is way better than a skirt or other outfit if that outfit is in totally the wrong cut or color.
If your tradition positively never ever wears a gown or a cassock or a collar, and it would feel inauthentic to do so, then you’d wear whatever you would wear to lead worship on a [Sunday morning], presuming it’s sombre and formal.
Obviously PB’s mileage varies substantially!
Bee–re chaplain’s stole vs. full stole–if by chaplain’s stole you mean one of those very narrow, short “sick call” stoles, often white/purple reversible, then a full stole is preferable to that for a public ceremony. The reason those sick call stoles are narrow and short is simply so you can keep them in your jacket pocket, purse, or communion kit, and so when you’re seated at bedside or leaning over a bed to pray or anoint or give communion they don’t get in the way–drag on the floor or get stuck in a bedrail or worse. Their size conveys no meaning or specific kind ministry in and of itself, IMO. One of those would look very odd on someone standing on a stage in front of a large group. If you feel a stole is how you want to signal your role, then use a full-sized one. If by chaplain’s stole you mean something else, then I have no opinion.
Again, OMMV on my first points.
[EXCELLENT response. Listen to Gillian, y’all. She done me one better for Christian colleagues reading this. But I still say a collar, but no stole over street clothes. And as in everything, it’s how you wear it. UUs are so often bringing almost entirely humanist content to funerals, it is discordant to have the stole, the street clothes and the non-religious/theological message. Complicated issues of image and role here! – PB]
I’d wear a clerical shirt with tab collar with those first two suits, but no stole. My presence at this event would be as a clergy, and the collar (in my denomination) is generally recognized and accepted, and would be appropriate for this.
Personally, I don’t think the 3/4 sleeve trend is appropriate for professional garb. As you said, a well-fitted, flattering cut dark suit is a good investment and will come in handy for many occasions.
It’s worth it to splurge on (i.e. save up for) a timeless black wool suit (I’d lean toward a skirt, but don’t have major objections to pants) to wear for somber occasions. Talbots comes to mind; they are pricey, but good quality and you can wear it forever. I’ve had good luck at Marshalls finding good name brand suits (e.g. Jones New York) for a song — like $35 to $50.
Thanks for the stole comments. By chaplains stole, I did mean the short narrow things. Mine happens to be navy blue, made from the uniform pants of a 9/11 firefighter, made for a few of us who worked with survivors. I have worn it for countless bed side services, and over my uniform for police chaplain gigs at the moment I was doing the blessing or invocation or benediction, but not for a main service usually because when I do a service, I am vested. In the police chaplain role, the request was to wear it (“tha little scarf thingy like the padre has”) because it signified a role for the officers- and you obey your CO! :-). Thanks for the good discussion on it in a communit funeral setting. I believe I will agree with you on the suit, collar, but no stole.
Likely one can also order a lapel pin for one’s suit with the denominational affiliation. I wear it on my suit jacket, with or without a collar. It’s subtle, yes, but I like having it on these kinds of situations. I do not wear a large cross over my collar, not that I object to others doing so.
What is the source of the first suit pictured here? I’d really like to try it on.