Beauty Tips for Ministers

The Minister’s Significant Other

So LET’S TALK, kittens.

As you may recall, PeaceBang got bit by the love bug back in January and brought home more than seashells from her January vacation to Marco Island, Florida. After spending a mere four days together, she and a big, chubby hunk of a modern-day Viking named Greg decided to throw caution to the winds and he drove up the East Coast and straight to her parsonage.

When he finally got here, braving snow and ice and traffic galore, what did PeaceBang do? She threw her arms around him, helped him unpack his one duffel bag, guitar case and small knapsack (don’t you just LOVE a man who says he embraces voluntary simplicity and actually DOES?) and whispered in his ear, “Honey… let’s go to Macy’s.”

PeaceBang knew that her ocean-eyed sweetie’s wardrobe consisted of:
1. shorts
2. a grody pair of flip-flops
3. some jeans
4. a horrible, shapeless leather jacket (shhh, he thinks it’s cool)
5. maybe some other random shoe-type items that were on the verge of falling apart
6. some denim shirts, always worn untucked and distinctly unflattering to his, uh, figure

Much to her surprise, SweetieBang proved not only amenable to a trip to Macy’s but a darned good sport about letting her pick out clothes and finding some good buys himself. We found him several nice dressy shirts (with some mod factor to them, because he’s the opposite of preppy), one tweedy brown sports jacket and one camel corduroy one, some nice black Johnny Cash-like T-shirts and a few sweaters. We got everything at “wicked” sale prices, as they say here in Massachusetts. We are still arguing about pants (he was back in shorts as soon as the weather “warmed up” to 55 or so) but for a devoted minimalist who was living on an island in a bathing suit, I was amazed by his flexibility and willingness to accumulate more …(cue ominous music) possessions.

And I’ve created a monster. Last weekend HE wanted to go to Filene’s Basement to find a summer-weight blazer (!!!) and we went shoe shopping FOR HIM LAST NIGHT AND HE TOOK OVER AN HOUR TO PICK A PAIR OF SHOES. I know this is karma.

Why all the fuss? One reason, my friends: when SweetieBang arrived, he needed no convincing that he would now be a vaguely public figure in town and a major celebrity in our church, and he wanted to look the role. He understood without having to discuss it that he should dress nicely for church and for other events at which he would be accompanying me in an official capacity as Mr. Rev. PeaceBang. As big a change as it was for him (and I mean CHANGE - he grew up Jewish and is now a Buddhist, if anything) Greg instinctively knew that the Rev’s S.O. doesn’t show up at church in jeans and a fleece pullover, or in shorts and a floppy denim shirt. To do so would have been disrespectful and clueless.

It seems important to raise the subject now, because I’ve had two or three letters in the past week asking how one might spiff up one’s spouse, or how one might sensitively suggest to the pastor this his or her spouse is, quite frankly, woefully under-dressed for church. Both questions point to the reality that to be a minister’s partner is to be a public figure oneself, and that whether they want to or not, clergy spouses and partners need to put some thought into the matter of their clothing and grooming. Is this fair? Not necessarily, but it’s how it works in the real world. Ask my cousin, who was married for many years to a rabbi, what the expectations were of the rebbitzim; yes, even into the 21st century.

Clergy partners do not represent the church, but they do reflect on the health of the ministry. I remember one local colleague who was always nattily turned out himself, but whose wife always looked shoddy, hollow-eyed and unkempt. I knew there must be serious problems in that household. It turns out that my instincts were correct: he was dismissed from his denomination a few years after I made his acquaintance. Like it or not, the minister’s non-clergy significant other needs to be a good visual match with the minister and with the church. Both should take their cues from the congregation as to what constitutes “dressed up” for church and aim at least that high, with an extra spit-shine to communicate respect for the work and respect for the honor conferred upon them as spiritual leader and spiritual leader’s chief helpmate and emotional support.

You may ask, how would one sensitively broach the subject to Reverend Spouse that his or her attire is inappropriately informal, too hubba-hubba sexy, or whatever else the problem may be? Should the intervention be attempted by the Ministerial Relations Committee, for instance, and the expectation placed upon the clergyperson to tell his or her honeylamb, “Honeylamb, I love you, but they’re saying over to the church that you’re kindofa slob.” PeaceBang has no easy advice for this but to tread carefully and with tact, but not so much tact that no one knows what’s being said. Too much subtlety will never do. Don’t ask, “Gee, Rev., does your wife come straight to church from chopping wood/swimming at the gym/fixing the carburetor? I was just wondering.” The answer might be “Yes,” and a lot of ministers won’t think to inquire, “Why do you ask?” You know why? Two reasons. One, we have other things on our minds. Two, denial. Rev. might know exactly why you’re asking but not feel like dealing with it. Be direct.

Perhaps something like, “Pastor So-and-So, it didn’t escape my notice that you were wearing a tie and sports jacket to our stewardship dinner. That was so appropriate and so much appreciated, as it represented to me that you considered the event an important and formal affair even though it was held in our parish hall. To me, it really struck the right chord. This is hard for me to say, but did Mrs./Mr. Partner Pastor know that we were committed to making the dinner seem special? S/he was dressed so casually, I wasn’t sure.” Notice the use of “I” language here. Be very intentional about using “I” language UNLESS YOU ARE SURE that the distress about the pastor’s partner’s attire is truly a community concern. If so, say so.

Leave your inquiry open-ended. It may be that Mr. or Mrs. Pastor’s Partner thought they’d be helping out in the kitchen and chose to dress accordingly. Voila! If so, you have the perfect opportunity to discuss expectations of the minister’s partner and to allow your pastor to save some face (”Oh, how sweet of him/her to want to help with clean-up!! Does s/he know that we always keep a stack of sturdy aprons in the kitchen for just that reason?”).

Another tactic is for someone on the Ministry Committee to ask the pastor if their partner has had an opportunity to meet with other clergy spouses in the area or in the wider UUA. If the answer is no, they might say, “Oh, we hope that /she will. It seems to us that being a minister’s partner is almost as complicated as being a minister. Don’t you think that s/he would benefit from the camaraderie? We were thinking about recommending this to you because we have a concern about HoneyLamb that we hesitate to bring up because it seems so trivial, but it has come up several times in recent weeks and it seems only fair that we have an opportunity to talk about it.” Topic launched. This won’t be an easy discussion. But if it’s about being overly-casual in jeans and T-shirts, say so. If it’s about body odor, say so. If it’s about incredibly foul breath, say so (because there might be a health issue involved, and you’d be giving your pastor a chance to discuss that). If it’s about too much cleavage or bare, hairy chest, butt cleavage or chokingly heavy perfume or aftershave, say so. Your specificity can only help. Don’t drop coy hints and then drop the subject. The idea here is to find solutions to an anxiety-causing issue in the system, not to create more anxiety.

If there is no caring and trusted individual who might be deputized to raise the matter with the minister or his/her Significant Other and to give it a personal touch, the matter should be handled by the Ministerial Relations or equivalent committee, NOT by the board of trustees. To do the latter would be overkill and would imply that the minister’s employ is in some way threatened by his or her spouse’s bad sartorial choices. If the minister’s spouse causes problems on the policy level of the congregation, it is fair for the board to raise the matter as they would about any other member or friend of the church. But image and attire are private matters with a public dimension for clergy and their partners, and it seems to me that suggestions about a clergy partner cleaning up one’s act should come from the minister via a trusted individual or the Ministry Committee.

What say you, dear ones?

P.S. Greg still flatly refuses to own a tie. But I will prevail. God as my witness, I shall prevail in this.

Khakis: Fashion Enigma

PeaceBang recently received this heartfelt plea for love, help and understanding,

I bought a pair of khakis. But I cannot figure out how to wear them without looking . . . frumpy. They sit right below the waist. And are wider at the hem.
T-shirts look sloppy with the hem hanging out and dorky tucked in.
Shirts with collars seem a trifle masculine.
Preppy polo shirts are out. I’m fifty. I’m beyond being “prepped” for anything. Am I too old for khakis????
This doesn’t seem like a very tough fashion question, but . . . I’m stumped.

Let PeaceBang just take a moment to feel a deep sense of gratitude for your astute observation, C., that khakis with t-shirts DO LOOK SLOPPY and/or dorky. Thank you for asking the pertinent questions: 1. should I be wearing these at all? 2. Is there a way to make them seem polished and appropriate for a woman in a leadership position? 3. Why does any woman think that preppy polo shirts are suitable for professional wear?

Let’s talk about khakis (also known as chinos), which come in a wide variety of styles and generically look something like this:

(Available at Christopher & Banks)
A classic pant, perfectly acceptable, but not with a T-shirt hanging out or tucked in. With a fitted blouse and jacket, perhaps, or a sweater set and beautiful boots, a handsome bag, and an interesting wristwatch. DETAILS, darlings, DETAILS. Presenting an image of competence is all about details: ironed, clean clothing that fits well and isn’t unraveling anywhere, accessories and touches that say, “I have taken some time to prepare to be here with you.” Necklines that don’t gap or sag, shirts that have some shape to them and aren’t just flopped on top of your pants.

C’s khakis sound like a nice cut, but she will have to put some effort into making them work-appropriate for an accomplished 50 year-old woman or else risking like a messy teen. So, C., I recommend layers. Looking to my own closet and pretending that I have your figure and not my own, I’d wear a crisp white sleeveless blouse tucked in with my coolest brown belt that has burnished gold details threaded through the loops on the khakis. I’d top everything with my blue blazer with the nicely defined waist and add a burnished gold necklace from Africa (three bronze leaves on a twisted bronze chain) that would show up right where the blouse opens at the neck. I’d pull up my hair in a messy knot, wear small brushed gold hoops, bright peachy lip gloss and carry my buttery-mustardy yellow handbag. I’d wear brown wedge heeled sandals.

The trick with khakis, which can be kind of shapeless, is to define your waist and add some shape on top. As you have already figured out, your typical Oxford-type shirt will render you even more shapeless and as you say, “masculine.” Try a more romantic cotton blouse (I have one with tiny tucks at the square neck and a drawstring waist that I like to wear with a vest — sexy and very feminine) and add a string or two of long beads, paint your toenails with OPI “Dutch Tulip” and wear a great pair of sandals.

Here’s the way NOT to wear pants, from the folks at Dockers:

Isn’t this a disaster? If anyone should know how to put a woman in a classic pair of pants, it should be Dockers, whose clothes are classic and affordable.

Pumpkins, get a gander at the strained fit at the thighs and the horrid lack of scale between the model’s body, the cut and length of the pants (they’re TOO SHORT and they’re unbelievably unflattering — who wears pegged hems anymore, saints preserve us!!?), and the ugly little shoes they’ve put her in. The heel is far too delicate to support such substantial legs, and the style is far too corporate/dressy to match up with the casual cotton pant. Aiiiee! Don’t let this be you!

Here are some pretty classic chinos from Land’s End.
Not so much my cup of tea, but neat and serviceable for pastors. I just found a pair of brown twill wide-legged pants on the clearance rack that are at the tailor being hemmed this week, and I bet I’ll wear them all summer. That’s about as close to khakis as I get. They lengthen my short legs, balance my meatball shape, look great with a 3″ wedge sandal and a V-necked T-shirt. I’ll throw on a belt over the T-shirt for waist definition, add big turquoise hoops, and that will be my go-to outfit for the very casual-around-here months of June, July and August.

What To Wear To An Induction Into An Honor Society?

I ponder.

I am being inducted into the Jonathan Edwards Society at Andover-Newton Theological School this evening, a lovely honor for which I want to dress appropriately. My general rule is that it’s better to be overdressed than underdressed, so I’ll probably wear a skirt with a blazer and heels. I’m thinking that I’ll carry a small bag but not a clutch (too dressy), and I’ll wear Sunday morning jewelry.

I’m sure I’ll see slacks and sweaters and comfortable shoes on some of the women, which is fine but given that I don’t know the size of the gathering (20 people? 5?), I don’t know what the “stand-out” factor might be. If I’m more formally dressed than most of the women in a gathering of fifty, no prob. If I’m overdressed in a gathering of six or seven, I begin the evening a bit self-conscious.

I’m so rarely underdressed that I don’t remember what that feels like. The invitation said nothing about attire. I’m guessing that SweetieBang will wear a tweedy sports jacket, a black T-shirt, and dark-washed jeans — his idea of dressing up. It suits him, and he owns no ties, so what can you do?

Given that Jonathan Edwards is likely already rolling in his grave at the idea of a UNITARIAN being inducted into an honor society that bears his name, I think I’ll dress for him AND for myself. Which may mean black slacks, a black jacket (him) and a polka-dot blouse with a frilled front and peep toe T-strap wedges (for me).

[Update: The event was absolutely LOVELY and I feel truly honored. I wore a skirt and blazer and boots with a heel. People were dressed very nicely, and SweetieBang looked fine — somewhere between the guys in ties and jackets and the guy in the Hawaiian shirt. But it was truly a night of rejoicing in the good company of talented ministers and I sat next to Professor MARK HEIM AT DINNER! Theological Rock Star! — PB]

What To Wear To the Wedding

Darlings, this in from a dear young newbie, who asks –

I’m officiating my very first wedding this September - and I don’t know what I should wear for it!
I’m just 22, completed school last year and began pastoring last summer, and have never even BEEN to a wedding with a female officiant!
It is a very casual, backyard wedding in Ontario, Canada (the bride is going barefoot and the dress code is casual) and I’m certainly willing to buy something for the event, since I have a very limited wardrobe thus far. (My two suits are a black pantsuit that has seen better days and a heavier grey wool skirt-suit).
I’m about 5′10, average-to-thin build, warm colouring, and usually wear “autumn” colours (greens, browns, etc) but they’re not the most joyous tones! My blog has a picture of me, but with old makeup/haircut…. (I will update that before too long!)
I’ve emailed before about what to wear as a pastor to youth and young adults, and I’ve found “my” solution is usually dark brown or black dress pants, a v-neck fitted sweater, stud earrings and a large, bold necklace.. or for more casual, a t-shirt and black jacket with dark jeans. I still struggle to find the right shoes that I can walk distances in and still look great, but its getting easier!
I also got a great graduated bob haircut a little while ago, and while I’ve always worn eye makeup I do feel much more finished with lipstick, so I’m trying to continue looking more polished in the makeup department.
Thanks for your help - your blog is hilarious, and I genuinely feel more put-together and professional since I’ve used it and been able to show others more of a late-twenties than an early-twenties self
Thank you as well for legitimizing the concern to project that professional image - we don’t always get that here!

And thank you for writing in and for your kind words, Miss “Just 22!” (Don’t think we missed that “just,” said PeaceBang, clutching her twenty-years older chest). So glad we could be of help here at BTFM.

Now, for your wedding. Since it will be so informal, there’s no need to wear formal vestments unless the couple really wants you to. I own a white linen/poly blend duster for such occasions, which I don with a stole over a dressy skirt and blouse ensemble for summer weddings. It has saved me gallons of sweat and made many a horribly humid outdoor wedding bearable and even comfortable. I should think that if one sews, such a garment would be incredibly easy to make. Mine has one clasp enclosure over the bosom and falls beautifully to my ankles. It looks very liturgical.

Barring ownership of such a garment, you might consider a cream or white linen/poly blazer (immaculately dry cleaned or ironed, of course — the polyester blend will keep it from becoming a wrinkled mess). Wear it with a camisole top and knee-length or ankle-length skirt of some shade that won’t compete with the bride’s ensemble (avoid patterns if possible). Some would find a stole objectionable over street clothes; I do not. Find a nice pair of wedge sandals (pedicure! pedicure!) or a pair of neutral-colored pumps and feel free to go bare-legged but only if you shave and moisturize. Some of the au naturel types may complain, but a shaggy-legged officiant will only distract from the proceedings. But do learn from PeaceBang’s mistakes and do NOT spray-tan your legs the morning of the wedding. Do it the day before if you like (and PeaceBang relies on fake tan spray to help her legs glow all summer long as she flatly REFUSES to wear hose to anything but black tie events), but not the day of, unless you want brown rivulets to streak down your legs and into your shoes.

Things to avoid: sun dresses, baby doll tops, patterned dresses, slacks, overly-casual shoes (just because the bride is going barefoot doesn’t mean you can get away with flip-flops).

Other things to avoid:
>not thoroughly checking out the noise level outdoors and advocating for a sound system if possible (if not, plan to SERIOUSLY project, and instruct all readers beforehand to do so as well — and make them practice for you if you have any doubts);
> wearing heels that puncture the lawn and cause you to sink into the grass with every step;
>not drinking enough water and dehydrating, or worse, drinking booze before the wedding (we may or may not be a friend of the couple’s, but until we’ve pronounced the couple wedded for life, we are at work;
> dancing at the reception in such a manner as would cause the guests to say disapprovingly, “I remember when the clergy had some dignity; I suppose they’re ordaining anyone these days.”

Good luck, Meredith! Send a photo! And put those autumnal colors away ’til next autumn!

Wide-Leg Chinos and Conference Bags

Dear hearts,

Some of you inquired about the wide-legged chinos featured in my post of a few days ago, “Pants That Scare, Pants That Inspire.” I think I found the ones I featured on the Nordstrom website, but they were mighty ’spensive (notice the sateen band at the top? That’s why).

But I found you these, also available on the Nordstrom site (up to size 14 only, sorry):

As for conference bags, we’ve talked quite extensively about bags on here and those seeking wisdom and advice in that area might want to start by browsing the “Accessories” and “General Assembly/Conferences” archives. If you keep at it, you’re likely to find a photo of the notorious CHICKEN BAG worn by the Rev. Jake Morrell at the St. Louis General Assembly. Notorious!!

PeaceBang Pulls a “Large Marge”: Low Self-Esteem Monday

Oh my dear ones,

I sigh with the doldrums. I have a cold (regular sinus flushings with the Neti pot is doing wonders but I still feel weary as Heck) and wish I had all the energy I need to get spiritually snazzed up for the idea of Holy Week and other exciting upcoming adventures in religious community. And I confess: because I am tired and cranky in that special female way, I just ate about 1200 worth of calories for lunch. Which makes me feel truly lousy, lousy, lousarino. I know the emotional reason for it, too: I saw photographs of myself taken yesterday wherein I look very very large, dieting seems futile. Too much discipline, slow results, bla bla bla, complain, moan, gripe.

Here’s what happened. I attended the Installation of a dear friend yesterday, wearing a very comfortable dress that I truly believed looked good on me. It’s a big, wild print and because I think that tying dresses in the back is a great way to highlight serious yantitas,* I thought I’d do something cute and smocky and tie the dress in the front instead. When I wore the dress to church last week everyone loved it! I’ve lost close to 20 lbs. since December so I thought I wouldn’t pull a Large Marge in it. (”Pulling a Large Marge” in PeaceBang’s parlance is when an Abundantly Figured Gal dresses in such a way as to unintentionally accentuate her volume — and since busy prints can often create this effect, PeaceBang should have known better).

I saw the photos and in three simple words, I am HORR-I-FIED.

So in addition to having a cold that’s worn me out, I have evidence that I’m far from svelte even though I’m fitting back into clothes that haven’t been buttoned around my girth for two years. There I was feeling so proud until I saw those photos.

We call this Extremely Unnecessary Beating Up Of the Self and I know that, but I am devoted to sharing with you the good, the bad, and the ugly, my sweets. All I can say is, busy prints do NOT MAKE FOR FLATTERING PHOTOS.

Also, I desperately need a haircut because no one needs hair that just sits on one’s head like a limp eel. I have now officially become my own Fashion Emergency. It’s back to solid colors for me, that’s for sure!!! Because I DO have a waist, God as my witness I do!

Anyone else care to come forward with a testimonial about a recent fashion misstep? Perhaps it will be cathartic if we all share together. If not, feel free to take guilty pleasure in my sartorial bomb-out.

*Mexican slang for “rolls of fat,” or what SweetieBang now refers to as “empanadas”