Fancy Event Panic

Oh no! This is a true Pastoral Fashion Emergency coming from A. From Far Away. Now, it’s important to note that this is from a lay woman, and as I have said many times before, PeaceBang is not at all concerned with how lay members of the Church dress. She is grateful to share the ministry with them and would usually respond to this sort of letter by saying, “Don’t worry, you’re fabulous whatever you wear,” but in this case A. is representing her church at a big ecclesiastical event and seeks advice. That seems like a bit of cross-over: she’s not clergy, but she wants to spiff up to represent her congregation and to respect the formality of the occasion. Thus, I will take this question and see if I can help.

Hi PeaceBang – I appreciate you are one very busy woman, so if you don’t have time to answer don’t
worry. I’m attending the _________ Church in [Big Super Fancy Event] this week, as a lay representative of my church. I am not the smartest of women, living mostly in tidy jeans, long sleeved t-shirts, jumpers etc. Which is fine for my day job, but not, I think, appropriate for a Convention. For the day wear at this event I am reasonably happy with what I have – a pair of slightly ill-fitting black trousers (bought in haste, repenting at leisure – but there’s nothing I can do about that now!), a black jacket and various long sleeved T-shirts/thin sweaters with a jaunty scarf. But to my horror, I discover that on Friday night we have “the Bishop’s Banquet and Bishop’s Awards (Dress:elegant)”
I have neither the time nor money to go out to buy something “elegant” (I wouldn’t even know what that means!) so could you give some advice as to what might be considered elegant that I might possibly be able to cobble together from my wardrobe! (which I appreciate is tricky as you don’t know my wardrobe!!)
I don’t have heels (I can’t wear them) and the dress/skirt situation is fairly thin on the ground. But if you could send me some links to things you think might be suitable I could see what I could do.
As I say, if you don’t have time, don’t worry. And I guess in the end, it is only clothes…but I don’t want to look enormously out of place!
Thank you so much for your ministry, your wisdom, and your wit.

Dear A.,
Thank you for your lovely note.
As you know if you are a regular reader of this column, you are not the person I am worried about at these shindigs. The people I am worried about are the clergy, many of whom would see “dress:elegant” on an invitation and immediately presume that the holiness of their bearing and being is elegance enough for all worldly occasions, and show up looking like hell warmed over.

A few suggestions:

A good black pencil skirt and a silk(y) blouse with a nice pair of earrings, sheer black hose, and sturdy black flats or boots would be an option that you can put together without too much agony. Pencil skirts can easily be faked with stretchy material — I have one or two that are just pull-on and as comfy as a slip. They are a chic line – much more so than an A-line skirt or pants that don’t fit well.

Another option would be to take the black trousers to a tailor and beg some fast alterations so that you feel good in them. At least one garment on your body for this occasion should fit impeccably. If you have a smart blazer, you can get away with the pants or skirt not being fabulous and vice versa.

Check my posts on Black and Bling here and here for how to avoid the color and print dilemma.

What’s important for Elegance is fit, structure, posture, undergarments that do their job, unmussed, rich-looking fabrics, and hair and make-up. It is all about attention to grooming details.

Here are some looks I pulled together in my dressing room:

Black and bling. Black blazer, big pin, black skirt. Shoe options that aren’t heels. Wear with a solid, silky-poly shell or blouse.

Black dress. Always a good idea to have the iconic LBD in your closet for such occasions. I added a statement necklace for oomph (they’re everywhere and not expensive), a shawl collar shrug for modesty (not dressy enough for, say, a wedding, but fine for a bishop’s dinner), and a bit of patent leather at the waist for dressiness.

A blouse like this is easy to find at a discount store or charity shop. I love the vibrant color, the touch of satin that makes it look richer, and the fantastic neckline that dresses everything up with no effort. You wouldn’t wear a necklace with this kind of drop neckline but I’ve shown some snazzy earrings and a cocktail ring that would work perfectly with it. But remember, you MUST do your hair and make-up with any kind of elegance. An undone face and rhinestones is so wrong.

When I say do your make-up, this is a helpful review of what I mean. You should be non-blotchy, have some blush and a bit of lipstick for brightening, mascara, and eyebrow pencil to fill in your brows. Undereye concealer if needed. Hair styled and lifted for volume, lightly sprayed for hold.

Control top pantyhose a size too big is a great trick for an inexpensive body smoother to manage jigglies, and make sure your bra is doing its job. Good Lord have mercy, I attended a formal fundraiser recently and a minister was there in a raw silk jacket and NO BRA (or one that had given up the ghost). The line of her clothing was therefore sloppy and the jiggle under her jacket terribly distracting and frankly, unprofessional. I was aghast. She may as well have shown up in a knit poncho, so clearly did her appearance and demeanor crow, “I’M COMFORTABLE AND SELF-SATISFIED.”

Shudder. If one wants to be comfortable, one stays home in one’s Pajamajeans with a bowl of popcorn and Netflix. One does not attend public occasions.

Having haughtily delivered myself of my own gospel, dear A., I do wish you the best of times at your Convention and a world of luck finding an outfit that you deem worthy of the special bishop’s event. Do report back and tell us all how it worked out. Cheers, dear.