Beauty Tips for Ministers

Boots N’ Skirts N’ Stuff

A lovely colleague who just purchased some super riding boots asked me the other day how to wear them with skirts. Although we went over the Skirts and Boots Question at great length here, I just wanted to tell you about a gal I saw in the grocery store who was doing it all wrong. She was a fit, handsome middle-aged white woman who looked confident and put together except that she was wearing a pleated skirt well above the knee and knee-high boots with nude stockings. The big gap of flesh between her boots and her skirt made her look exactly like a drum majorette from the waist down. Not good, not good! Reverend ladies of all ages, stay far away from this look or someone may hand you a baton and big, fluffy hat with a chin strap and start following you around with a tuba.

In other Shoe Problems, one of my spies called to leave news of a Flip-Flop Sighting on my voice mail. His message was simple, and so right so I’ll just quote him: “It’s DECEMBER. You should NOT be wearing flip-flops!” Here, here.

PeaceBang is noticing that long, full skirts are still being worn by female Clergy of Size and she has to say precious butterbeans, if you feel at your best visually adding about 30 lbs. to your frame, that’s just the way to do it! Be plump, be flowing, be abundant if you absolutely insist! Or, if you’d like to show that you have a shape that’s actually lots and lots more interesting than voluminous fabric, try on a more fitted style like this one from Catherine’s.

What’s so scary about that?? You don’t have to buy it or anything but seriously gals, if you want one change in 2008 that can be as Moses bringing you out of The Land of Frump, this is it. Shapeless jackets and skirts are out, out, out, and Why? ‘Cause although the world of fashion can be crazy at times, sometimes it makes changes because certain silhouettes are ugly and unflattering. Please give away your utterly shapeless skirts or take them to a tailor and have them taken in at the hips, or hemmed, or do something that will give them some shape. Will you do that for me? Because I just have an irrational need for you to look at least as beautiful in the world as Condi Rice. I don’t like what she represents but she consistently far outshines the female clergy in the polished image department, and that ain’t right.

Speaking of shape, and I was, PeaceBang is squeezing out of her favorite black blazer and noticed that her blouse was pooching out below her blazer buttons during tonight’s worship service for The Compassionate Friends. Oh sure, I was fine standing but sitting at the pulpit, Houston we had a problem . Good thing I could cover my poochiness with a combo of strategic placement of my leather binder of readings and good posture.

Certain items in our wardrobes are so essential that it’s important for us to make sure they fit appropriately at all times. If you have a tendency to change sizes throughout the year, be vigilant. While you work on slimming down (or fattening up, if that’s the issue), be sure you’ve considered what fits and what might need to be purchased or borrowed in a size up or down to get you through the transitional time. In my case, a classic black blazer is something I cannot be without. So while I work on losing the buttah, I’ll temporarily switch to the dreaded Unstructured Black Jacket and wear higher heels and dressier accessories to give my outfits the polish that I want to try to have. That and a good girdle should see me through the holidays.

Remember: NO SNOWMAN SWEATSHIRTS. NO SNOWWOMAN OR EVEN SNOWPERSON SWEATSHIRTS.

Noisy Boots

I forgot to say the other day that a cobbler can probably put a rubber sole of some sort on loud, clacky boots to make them a quieter ride.

That is all. Because someone asked.

Kiss of peace, PB

Suggestions For Boots

Good morning, Candy Canes. PeaceBang is feeling more human this morning so is going to answer this leetle inquiry that goes like this:

Has Peacebang ever told us how to wear boots? I have three fabulous pairs I love, but I can’t figure out what to wear with them. I used to wear one pair with a cute tweedy, knee length skirt (which is gone now), but really: sweaters? Suits? Button down shirts? Help! How can we wear our boots?

Also, how can we make our boots quiet? One pair with a chunky-heeled, 1.5″ cutie, but it’s SO noisy and hard to pull off.

First of all, honey pie, PeaceBang prefers to say that she advises, she doesn’t tell. When it comes to wearing Crocs, reindeer sweaters, helmet hair, and dead, wan faces in the pulpit she advises very strongly, but it’s all up to you! You have free will like God made ya! So let’s talk about how to use your God-given free will in the wearing of boots.

Wear ‘em all the time! Boots are fabulous! PeaceBang’s favorite outfit is a pair of dark denim flared jeans with boots, a shirt and blazer, or a shirt and sweater. Boots go with most everything now — although PeaceBang is not a big fan of the frilly babydoll dresses-with-boots look since only serious fashionistas, the young and the very slim and long-legged can pull it off.

Many boots are heavy, and those that are need a hearty fabric to stand up to them. You don’t want to wear boots with silky skirts or something that looks too springy or summery. Boots look great with pants of all kinds; it’s hard to imagine a situation where pants and boots aren’t a good combo. Again, if you’re worried about looking like a cowhand in cowboyish boots, wear something more professional and feminine up top. You don’t want to go about in jeans, boots, a button-up blouse and nothing else. Add a belt to your blouse, wear big hoop earrings, put on a vest — do something to bring the outfit from sloppy to attractive.

There are lots of gorgeous boots out there made of buttery leathers (or faux leathers) and suedes that are every bit as dressy as a pair of pumps. They can dress up a suit and bring a huge dash of snazz to an otherwise unremarkable wardrobe. If you’re in the market for such a boot, considering looking for something in a creamy taupe, deep black or chocolate brown with a little elegant buckle or detailing. The boot should fit like a glove and cause Italian women to compulsively stop you on the street and ask you where you got your shoes. If they try to knock you out and steal your boots off your feet, you know you’ve found some winners.

FRUMP ALERT: One of the key ways women get into serious frump territory with boots is to wear skirts that stop four or five inches above the boot top, revealing a length of floppy leg flesh. This is so, so, so unattractive! Boots that stop mid-calf should NEVER be worn with skirts that aren’t ankle-length (and you know how PB feels about skirts that long — most of us can’t get away with wearing them but persist in the fantasy that they make us look appealingly prairie circuit-riderish when to most eyes we just look totally outre, or, um, Amish). And let me tell you, reverend dudes, we don’t want to see your hairy calves peeking out the top of your Bean boots when you cross your legs in meetings. Nor should you wear snow boots with suits, as if I had to tell you that.

Along the same line, gals, do NOT wear obvious snow boots with skirts if you can avoid it. Snow boots are heavy and furry and ponderous, like little snow tires for your feet. Skirts are feminine and lovely of line, and there is no faster way to destroy the line of a skirt (whether floaty and pretty or structured and slim) than to slap on a pair of muckalucks. It’s incongruous, like Sasquatch wearing a party dress. It’s also squattifying and hugely unflattering, and there, PeaceBang just made up a new word just for you (squattifying)! Isn’t she a clever bean?

Do not be fooled by the recent pictorials in the celebrity magazines featuring dewy young things tromping all over Rodeo Drive in Uggs and denim mini-skirts. Those girls have freakishly long legs with no body fat on them and they’re supposed to shock and awe
with their bizarre and risky fashion choices. You and I need to be more judicious with our boots and pair them with terrific trousers, seemly skirts and fabulous frocks.

One last word: a great look with boots is to wear a knee-length skirt with knee-high boots. For the look to work, the boots really need to fit the calf and go all the way, or very close to, the knee. If there’s any gap it will look funny, but if there’ a slight gap just fill it in with dark hose and all will be forgiven. But again, the boot should be a slim leather or faux leather. If you’re over 30 and a professional, no furry lace-up things with skirts. No tufts of shearling peeking out from under a tweed suit.

If you’re brave enough to wear the new (again) ankle booties with skirts, send along a photo with the news of your triumph, because PeaceBang wouldn’t dare. If you’re trying this look, you are making sure to wear hose that approximately match the boot, right? To lengthen the leg and give the look a touch of womanly elegance?

What Fresh Hell Is This?

Just when you thought that Crocs World Domination was bad enough, they came up with these horrific things!

Honestly, they’re not horrific if you’re wearing them to waterboard or parasail or …whatever you outdoorsy types like to do while I’m reading on the beach, but I have visions of Casual Pastors wearing them to church on summer Sundays. I’m frightened, Auntie Em!!

Boot Recommendations For The Plump Of Calf

Well, my doves,

Before I head BACK into the kitchen to prepare for another clergy gathering (I hosted a breakfast two weeks ago and will host a luncheon tomorrow — what was I thinking? Mere days after the chaos of Thanksgiving!), I commend to you this inquiry from Flo,

Hi, I have a question about boots. I am a largish person, and I have been completely unable to find any boots that will go over my calves. I have a fairly standard size foot (8 1/2 womens) but I guess my calves are far enough bigger than average that buying boots is a nightmare. I want some that are flat-ish, comfortable and look nice (none of those UGG boots or silly stiletto ankle ones either) I’m a vegan and do not like to buy leather, but any suggestions would be appreciated.
thanks!

Flo, I feel for you, hon. My calves are not the slim thangs they used to be and I’ve had similar challenges. I did find a terrific pair of stretchy zip-up Aerosole boots with a 2″ heel at Filene’s Basement that look great with skirts and were just what I’ve been looking for for years, but that was sheer luck (and they’re an old style you wouldn’t find in the stores). For awhile there I felt like some kind of retail Cinderella’s step-sister, yanking on boot after boot and trying in vain to get them zipped up all the way. I agree with you that UGGS are no real solution here; I take it you want something professionally appropriate, not a snow boot or a squishy slipper-y thing.

Readers, can you help? I have perused many of the plus-size sites (Avenue, Lane Bryant, etc.) and found nothing that looks good, or looks like it would feel good. And excuse me, but what does a chubbette like me need to be tottering around on stiletto heels fer? Like these boots from Avenue:

Whose dumb design idea is that? Are they TRYING to make me/us look like a meatball on two toothpicks? SHEESH. There’s an aerodynamic issue there, too. Asking a big girl to walk around all day on heels the size of golf tees is just like handing her an engraved invitation to arthroscopic knee surgery. In fact, I think the pair I bought several years ago came with a gift certificate to New England Baptist Hospital (local joke there, gang– they have a national reputation for hip and knee replacements). Good thing the ones I bought last year were on sale for $6 at DSW shoe warehouse. I got four or five wears out of them and can give them away with a clear conscience.

I feel like we talked about this in the past, so Flo, you might want to check the archives and see what you can find.

Good old cowboy boots might work well — I have a neutral brown pair by Indigo (Clark’s groovier subdivision) that I love and have been wearing constantly, and a pair of Franco Sarto pointy-toed bronze boots that I bought three years ago and also love. Both look great with longer skirts. I sprayed them with water repellent so they’re even wearable in wet weather.

Thin Feet And Shoes And NO MORE MARY JANES FOR AWHILE, PLEASE

Please help Amanda!

I’ve been reading you for a while via the link from Pastor Amy’s blog (talkwiththepreacher.blogspot). I noticed that you recently praised Naot Salvadore shoes, which is why I wondered if you could help me. [Nice plug for your friend’s blog, you sly boots! - PB]

I am nearly inseparable, to a terrible degree (I’m a law student) from my Naot Tranquil (i.e., black mary jane flats) shoes. They are some of the only shoes that fit me, as my feet are very thin from top to bottom, of normal width at the toes, and astoundingly narrow at the heels. Other than Naot, do you have any brand of shoe you recommend I try? I live in Chicago, so their sandals, which are most of what they make, are fine about 3 months out of the year. Snow is predicted for Tuesday. Also, Naot has recently begun creating some clunky, anti-elegant shoes. I wear a size 9; my feet are big enough as it is.

Now, readers, be nice to Amanda. She is not a clergyperson and really shouldn’t be asking me for advice but maybe some day she’ll do pro bono work for one of us or our churches, so let’s love up on her. Also, I almost forgot, we should do this because Jesus said something here and there about hospitality and welcoming the stranger. So let’s welcome Amanda and her thin ankles and try to help her. I told her to peruse the shoe archives, but I knew one of you could help right away, because you’re so good that way.

And to that dear gal who wrote a week or so ago describing her new blue pin-striped suit and who wanted shoe recommendations to go with it, can I just say that I really hope you WILL NOT get Mary Janes? Because they’re just not that sharp and you can do better? Can I just say that I envision you in a neat pair of neutral colored boots with a square or pointed toe or something more ADULT and PROFESSIONAL than the ubiquitous Mary Jane? People, we have got to break this addiction to Mary Janes!! They are simply not the only shoe option out there! Amarnda has really thin ankles and it’s hard for her to find something that fits, but really, what’s all the rest of our excuse?

Why not something like this?

Or, you know… this?
I don’t love them, either, but they’d look cute with the right suit.

Or how about olive? What’s wrong with a nice olive wedge? How cute is that?
You wear a lovely cream-colored silk blouse and a bunch of funky gold chains with your suit and these shoes and you’re INTERESTING! I don’t adore the stitching or anything but c’mon, they’re INTERESTING. Let’s get some TEXTURE, some COLOR, something DIFFERENT going on!

But what do I know? I’m the chick who wore false eyelashes to an installation last weekend, and who looked like an absolute hag today (because I was up late baking my first apple pie, photos of which can be seen at the PeaceBang Blog, thank you very much.)