Beauty Tips for Ministers

What Fresh Hell Is This?

Just when you thought that Crocs World Domination was bad enough, they came up with these horrific things!

Honestly, they’re not horrific if you’re wearing them to waterboard or parasail or …whatever you outdoorsy types like to do while I’m reading on the beach, but I have visions of Casual Pastors wearing them to church on summer Sundays. I’m frightened, Auntie Em!!

Boot Recommendations For The Plump Of Calf

Well, my doves,

Before I head BACK into the kitchen to prepare for another clergy gathering (I hosted a breakfast two weeks ago and will host a luncheon tomorrow — what was I thinking? Mere days after the chaos of Thanksgiving!), I commend to you this inquiry from Flo,

Hi, I have a question about boots. I am a largish person, and I have been completely unable to find any boots that will go over my calves. I have a fairly standard size foot (8 1/2 womens) but I guess my calves are far enough bigger than average that buying boots is a nightmare. I want some that are flat-ish, comfortable and look nice (none of those UGG boots or silly stiletto ankle ones either) I’m a vegan and do not like to buy leather, but any suggestions would be appreciated.
thanks!

Flo, I feel for you, hon. My calves are not the slim thangs they used to be and I’ve had similar challenges. I did find a terrific pair of stretchy zip-up Aerosole boots with a 2″ heel at Filene’s Basement that look great with skirts and were just what I’ve been looking for for years, but that was sheer luck (and they’re an old style you wouldn’t find in the stores). For awhile there I felt like some kind of retail Cinderella’s step-sister, yanking on boot after boot and trying in vain to get them zipped up all the way. I agree with you that UGGS are no real solution here; I take it you want something professionally appropriate, not a snow boot or a squishy slipper-y thing.

Readers, can you help? I have perused many of the plus-size sites (Avenue, Lane Bryant, etc.) and found nothing that looks good, or looks like it would feel good. And excuse me, but what does a chubbette like me need to be tottering around on stiletto heels fer? Like these boots from Avenue:

Whose dumb design idea is that? Are they TRYING to make me/us look like a meatball on two toothpicks? SHEESH. There’s an aerodynamic issue there, too. Asking a big girl to walk around all day on heels the size of golf tees is just like handing her an engraved invitation to arthroscopic knee surgery. In fact, I think the pair I bought several years ago came with a gift certificate to New England Baptist Hospital (local joke there, gang– they have a national reputation for hip and knee replacements). Good thing the ones I bought last year were on sale for $6 at DSW shoe warehouse. I got four or five wears out of them and can give them away with a clear conscience.

I feel like we talked about this in the past, so Flo, you might want to check the archives and see what you can find.

Good old cowboy boots might work well — I have a neutral brown pair by Indigo (Clark’s groovier subdivision) that I love and have been wearing constantly, and a pair of Franco Sarto pointy-toed bronze boots that I bought three years ago and also love. Both look great with longer skirts. I sprayed them with water repellent so they’re even wearable in wet weather.

Thin Feet And Shoes And NO MORE MARY JANES FOR AWHILE, PLEASE

Please help Amanda!

I’ve been reading you for a while via the link from Pastor Amy’s blog (talkwiththepreacher.blogspot). I noticed that you recently praised Naot Salvadore shoes, which is why I wondered if you could help me. [Nice plug for your friend’s blog, you sly boots! - PB]

I am nearly inseparable, to a terrible degree (I’m a law student) from my Naot Tranquil (i.e., black mary jane flats) shoes. They are some of the only shoes that fit me, as my feet are very thin from top to bottom, of normal width at the toes, and astoundingly narrow at the heels. Other than Naot, do you have any brand of shoe you recommend I try? I live in Chicago, so their sandals, which are most of what they make, are fine about 3 months out of the year. Snow is predicted for Tuesday. Also, Naot has recently begun creating some clunky, anti-elegant shoes. I wear a size 9; my feet are big enough as it is.

Now, readers, be nice to Amanda. She is not a clergyperson and really shouldn’t be asking me for advice but maybe some day she’ll do pro bono work for one of us or our churches, so let’s love up on her. Also, I almost forgot, we should do this because Jesus said something here and there about hospitality and welcoming the stranger. So let’s welcome Amanda and her thin ankles and try to help her. I told her to peruse the shoe archives, but I knew one of you could help right away, because you’re so good that way.

And to that dear gal who wrote a week or so ago describing her new blue pin-striped suit and who wanted shoe recommendations to go with it, can I just say that I really hope you WILL NOT get Mary Janes? Because they’re just not that sharp and you can do better? Can I just say that I envision you in a neat pair of neutral colored boots with a square or pointed toe or something more ADULT and PROFESSIONAL than the ubiquitous Mary Jane? People, we have got to break this addiction to Mary Janes!! They are simply not the only shoe option out there! Amarnda has really thin ankles and it’s hard for her to find something that fits, but really, what’s all the rest of our excuse?

Why not something like this?

Or, you know… this?
I don’t love them, either, but they’d look cute with the right suit.

Or how about olive? What’s wrong with a nice olive wedge? How cute is that?
You wear a lovely cream-colored silk blouse and a bunch of funky gold chains with your suit and these shoes and you’re INTERESTING! I don’t adore the stitching or anything but c’mon, they’re INTERESTING. Let’s get some TEXTURE, some COLOR, something DIFFERENT going on!

But what do I know? I’m the chick who wore false eyelashes to an installation last weekend, and who looked like an absolute hag today (because I was up late baking my first apple pie, photos of which can be seen at the PeaceBang Blog, thank you very much.)

We Need A Comfortable Shoe, Not a Sports Car, On Our Feet, Thanks (And A Word From Miss Cleo)

I don’t get these.

Are you supposed to walk around going “vroom, vroom, I’m a car! I have tires where my feet should be!”

Poor new pastor Megan just wrote in complaining of feet that hurt even though she’s just wearing an inch heel, and a chunky heel at that. I recommended that she find a shoe with a padded foot bed and good support, and in trying to find a helpful recommendation went to Zappos.com Clark’s Indigo collection. After all, I just caved in and bought a pair of their black pumps because I am too OLD and FAT to totter around on anything but the most sturdy heel with lots of support, and I thought I’d find something cute for Megan from the same line. Then I found the Goodyear Mary Janes up there and now my brow is furrowed with irritation and I’m going to need Botox.

What a day, huh? Can you believe it’s October already? I always get a kind of wicked manic zip this time of year because autumn makes me spiritually hyper. Happens every year. I think I’ll dress all in soft, warm layers tomorrow and smooth lavender oil on my temples and try to move at half-speed. Honest to God, do you ever close your eyes in prayer at the end of the day and start feeling vibrations from dozens of members of your congregation coming through your body? And even hear whispery echoes of their voices? Sometimes I feel like a police scanner, like “Oh, we got a broken heart over on Webster Street, and we got stressed out family on Pinson Lane, and sixteen Boomer kids sick with worry about their elderly parents, and someone’s having trouble with drugs tonight, Lord, and oh, I think someone took a turn for the worse over in the next town.”
Kumbaya, my Lord. Come by here. I used to think that was the corniest song ever until I heard it used in a worship service for parents grieving their deceased children. I don’t smirk at “Kumbaya” anymore, friends, I surely don’t. Never will again.

I think October is just a witchy month, and those of us with psychic sensitivities (or, if you prefer, “the gift of prophecy”) can jam our frequencies this time of year. Be careful out there, sensitivos. Consider dressing all in white for purity and non-absorption of others’ energies (so what if it’s after Labor Day? Just stay warm — this is about self-care right now, not fashion), and consider soaking in a warm bath to get some Mama Water to balance all the air and fire coursing through you. Eat well — eat earthy, not processed food. Get a knife and sacrifice a pumpkin. Wrap a brown scarf around your head while writing to stay grounded. I tend to get nasty tension headaches in October. Got one now, in fact, and I need to cut out the coffee entirely because it packs far more of a wallop than usual.

Yea, I was a Wiccan before I became a Christian. Some of you can stomp away in disgust now and leave me to the debbil, but that’s all the magickal advice you’re getting anyway, because I’m going to make me some pumpkin muffins, take a bath, and go to bed EARLY.

These Boots Were, Actually, Made For Walking

So I returned those little shobooties from Sofft and got these (Palomino by Indigo):

Mine are a lighter tan-brown color. I love the color. For the past several years I have been looking for boots that color.

Sometimes you have to return stuff you buy. I had to return those shobooties because I couldn’t see throwing them on and running off to do my day. It’s not that the heel is too high, it’s that the bottom of the shoe isn’t non-skid enough. That, for me, is a very important factor for an everyday shoe: can I go careening around the corner in the grocery store and not wipe out and kill someone? Because this is not the way I want to end up in the news. “LOCAL PASTOR IN TRAGIC SKIDDING ACCIDENT AT THE STOP & SHOP. STORY AT 11.”

I did a real audit of my winter closet. What do I wear all the time? Haven’t I been wearing my pointy-toed Franco Sarto boots pretty much every day of the cold weather for the past two years? Wouldn’t another pair of boots be wise? Yes, and yes. Because if I don’t stop wearing the pointy toes, I’m going to wind up with feet like my old next-door neighbor Inga Kistler, whose toes crossed all over each other and scared me as a child. These Palominos have nice, roundy toes. They are super classic. I can’t wear them with shorter skirts but they’re very fabulous with pants.

I wore them to a powwow yesterday and then went grocery shopping and did some other errands. They need to be broken in (the so-called “extra padded” footbed doesn’t feel so extra padded, so I’m going to add a gel insert), but they were overall very serviceable and best of all, they won’t give me Inga Kistler toes, may she rest in peace, and I mean that. She was such a character. She would take a look at me and say, “You’re getting fat like your mother.” But she actually wasn’t mean about it. She was just a big hearted, compulsively talkative Swedish mom, and a great antidote to all those Stepford moms in New Canaan, CT.

I’m wearing pointy-toed Bandolino pumps to church today. I’m preaching on the inherent worth and dignity of every person, using the film “Monster” as one of my illustrations, and then teaching a Path to Membership session after the service. Go get ‘em, my beauties. Bring it on for God!

Let Me Take You On a Nostalgia Trip, People

Remember wallabees? You were like in fourth grade and they were the coolest things and you wanted some so badly, and you actually got to get them because they weren’t too mature and dangerous like the CLOGS you also wanted with a searing passion?

I found a pair of totally classic wallabees on the sale rack at Off Broadway Shoes a couple of weeks ago and whenever I wear them I look at my feet and am right back in Miss Macdonald’s class, just figuring out that I REALLY LIKE BOYS. They’re ugly as sin, so I mostly just wear them in secret. Twelve bucks of sheer nostalgic happiness, friends.