Beauty Tips for Ministers

The Quest For A Brown Sandal

When I was in college I purchased a pair of dark brown platform sandals for probably about $12. They were incredibly comfortable so even when they went WAY out of fashion I kept them in storage, and took them out a few years ago where they’ve been in constant rotation ever since.

They’re actually very clonky looking with thick straps, but I love them. I can wear them walking all over New York City, which is my ultimate test for a shoe’s true worth. The footbed is all worn down and dirty-looking where my toes have pressed themselves for all those millions of wearings, and I realized a few years ago that I needed to find a dressy brown sandal for professional wear. So I did. I bought a pair of snazzy brown platforms that have a very comfortable footbed but that kind of pinch my toes. Then I bought a pair of Nine West *very* dressy brown sandals with a tiny golf-tee heel for $16 that were comfortable in the store (Famous Footwear) but are just too dainty to run around in like the galumphing troll that I am.

I keep going back to my college clodhoppers.
I wore them when seeing an old, best friend for the first time in 20+ years. He took one look at my feet and said, “So, you’re gay now?” I socked him in the arm and we laughed but it’s true that they’re, um, not very feminine. I was wearing them with a pretty skirt and white t-shirt. I kind of like wearing heavier shoes with lighter dresses when I’m out as a civilian. I think it’s cute. (So Jud, a Bronx cheer to you!)

So my quest for a comfortable, tromp-around-worthy brown sandal continued. I found these at half price on a website called 6pm, and bought them today after having tried them on at DSW Shoe Warehouse at twice the price:

They were *very* cute on, and also comfortable. If they work out, I’ll wear them to the Festival of Homiletics and they won’t cramp my style the way any of the others do. They’re Borns, and at under $50 I feel like I got a really great deal.

But tell me: why is it SO HARD to find shoes that look good, that fit, and that won’t require me to mince around with aching toes like some kind of courtier in the reign of Louis XIV?

The Dreaded Sandals With Pantyhose

I’ve been writing this blog for two years, and I know you’re out there. You read. You iron. You look in the mirror and do hair management and Stole Straightening before you go preside at a funeral. You are walking taller and looking sharper because you’ve realized that clergy image matters, that whether we like it or not, our exterior selves do represent an interior reality. You’re spiffin’ up for Jesus (or God or Buddha or Allah or … The Great To Whom It May Concern).

And then Peacebang attended a Ceremonial Event and one of her colleagues was wearing Bierkenstocks with vestments. But not just that: Bierkenstocks with panty hose.

And PeaceBang knew her work was far from done.

Shoe Issues: Good For the Sole

Good day, darlings.
Diane weighed in on a long-ago post about seminarians with this goody, and I didn’t want you to miss it because she’s chock full of stern and sage advice:

This seems like a good place to mention a pet peeve of mine. Here at seminary there are a number of women with “shoe issues.” Some are young, some are older. They are talked about behind their backs, especially when they are walking around the chapel. What are their issues? Well, there are three main ones -

1) Trendy shoes that draw attention away from the service and onto the wearer. In our tradition (Episcopal) one does not walk around in black cassock or white alb with anything other than black or maybe dark brown or dark gray shoes. I know acolytes get away with it all the time, but we are not acolytes. We are preparing to be priests. Even if that means buying one pair of “church shoes” that are conservative black flats, we should do it, and change back into the cute, outfit matching shoes in the sacristy after the service.

2) Loud, clomping shoes. Again, distracting. We have one student who went out to officiate at a service recently and you could hear the clomp, clomp, clomp over the music as she walked. Hello. Again, it’s about the service, not about us. It also makes women seem less professional.

3) Wearing heels you cannot walk well or safely in. Wear heels that work for you, or professional but less high heeled shoes. We all look silly tripping off our heels. Again, it’s distracting and unprofessional. You don’t see the male priests falling off their shoes. Let’s not do it either.

Let me add, Diane, that my only disagreement with your advice is not to talk about our sister seminarians behind their backs. Talk about them TO THEIR FACES. Pull them over, say, “Honey, you sounded like Mr. Ed clomping around out there, you NEED to get a pair of quieter shoes. Let’s go shopping after Homiletics class on Thursday!” Or, “Sister, my sister, I love those heels you’ve got on but I was watching you just now and you’re just destined to break your ankle one of these days. Those aren’t suitable for this work, girl, and someone needed to tell you. I love you enough to be the one.”

If you say it with love and care, she might still get mad but at least you’ve made the transition from petty gossip to supportive future colleague. And that’s good for the soul.

Yosie Platforms by Calvin Klein

And now, for our late-night edition of “Shoe Lust,”

MUST. HAVE. I can’t believe they have them in my size. They’re sold out at my local Macy’s and Lord & Taylor, and on Zappos.com! Tax refund check, get here soon!

Good night, darlings. My service is finally, finally done. I at my dupa down at the computer today, finally, overcame my spring fever for six straight hours, and the Holy Spirit graced me with a visit.

Dr. Scholl Crazy Shoes

Ardent West Coast PeaceBanger E.H. alerted me to these truly crazy Dr. Scholl sandal/Crocs/wedges and I’m just totally fascinated by how fabulously ugly and wonderful they are.

If they’re as comfortable as they look, I have to have a pair. In orange or turquoise. Just for perversity’s sake.

She Searches In Vain For Mary Jane(s)

Born Mary Jane. Just ugly. No one needs hobbit feet. Avoid.

Dansko Mary Jane. Comfy. Frumpy.

El Naturalista Mary Jane. El Frumperino. What are you going to wear these with other than a hempen hippie skirt? No.

Softwalk Mary Jane. Keep soft walking by these and find something less schoolmarmish. That is one unflattering strap there.

Pumpkins, flats are very in style right now. Why not try some of those, even in bright hues? Some of them don’t have much support - skip those and find some that do. Add a little gel insert by Dr. Scholl and voila, comfort and professional polish!