Beauty Tips for Ministers

Clogs Are Back!!

Remember when you got your first pair of clogs in, like, 1980 and your parents were all tsk-tsk about it, saying that they were stupid, dangerous shoes and that you were sure to fall and break your neck wearing them? And you were just so thrilled because they were CLOGS and clogs were SO COOL then?

Well, they’re back. They’re back in a big way this season. So let’s review:

This is what the new clog looks like: cute and high-heeled. My manicurist was wearing these yesterday and they were darned adorable. Franco Sarto, available at Macy’s. I don’t love the rubber sole but they certainly are non-slip!

Very sharp. Very appropriate for a minister’s wardrobe.

Also nice. By Born.

Suede can be really nice, but you have to keep it clean. These heels aren’t quite so high.

You know what I think of these: frumpy and you can do better. And no, this doesn’t make them less frumpy:

I know there are a few of you out there who can carry these off, but there are many more of you who think they’re FUN and who aren’t at all carrying them off. Especially not with big, floppy linen pants and jackets, long beaded necklaces and “creative” specs. There’s a fine line between creative and kooky/eccentric/who could possibly take her seriously?
Wait. I take it back. No one can get away with those. Those are just plain hideous.

These clog Mary Janes are FRUMPY! ALWAYS FRUMPY!!! PERIOD!! No more Miz NiceBang on these!! They. Are. FRUMPOLA.

These are so much better!


Very sophisticated for summer days at the office.

Keep your clogs all polished and nice, now. They get dingy fast and you want those little hooves to look like they didn’t just come in from the barn.

(All the photos came from the Zappos.com website. Do a keyword search for “high-heeled clogs” to find them for yourself.)

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Shoe Score!

Clark’s Harwich Middy Peep-Toe Cork Wedge. In this color:

Love the height, love the style, love the color that is IMPOSSIBLE to find, love the craftsmanship, love the of-the-moment cork heel. Love that the heel is substantial and doesn’t taper off in the back. Love the suede foot lining so your tootsies don’t slide around. Love the stitching.
Don’t love the slingback, which always slides off my heels, but I am hoping that wearing these with bare feet will alleviate the slippy issue.

Church-appropriate. Conference-friendly. Will look great with dresses and pants of all lengths. Solid enough for ministry, pretty and feminine enough for date night. Comfortable enough for a city trip. Not a sandal (which I do wear to church, but try not to wear for weddings). Classic.

Available at Zappos.com, but I just got the last pair in 6.5 in that color. These are two of the others:

Much cuter on than in photos…

Back to the sermon!

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Spring Shoe Review, Part II

Yes, most of the offerings for the season are ugly or unrealistic, but Clarks put out some decent options:

That’s a nice flat, but keep in mind that it has NO support and won’t look right on a chumby foot or with thick ankles. I’m just telling you the truth. You need to be a lithe gal to wear these shoes well.

Okay? I mean a Mary Jane with grown-up styling. THANK you.

A nice slingback in a neutral metallic? Sure, that’ll go with everything.

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Spring Shoe Review 2010

Oh darlings! Good news and bad news!
The good news is that you will NOT be tempted this Lenten season to purchase new shoes that you don’t absolutely need. The bad news is that all of the Shoe Designers obviously met in secret chambers and decided that, due to the poor economy, they would put out the ugliest, most uninspiring shoe collection they could come up with this season.

On the upscale side of things, there’s all of this gladiator heels thing, which is pretty but unrealistic:

For the mid-range shopper, which is most of us, there’s this ubiquitous sneaker-Mary Jane hybrid that I find just a poisonous combination — unprofessional, girlish and frumpy. Keene does the most acceptable version immediately below, but Skechers and others are inflicting VERY ugly, inexpensive versions on us that are not at all appropriate for working women:

(Kinda cute!)

Vacation-appropriate, sure. But for ministry? No.

Continuing in the Frumpy Department:

Naturalizer! How could you? We thought you loved us!

Acorn Earthromer, you’re kind of cute and Hobbitesque, but you’re taking me down a dangerous road to Birkie Land, so I will resist thee.

Here’s an honest sneaker by Asics. I’d rather see any of us in these shoes with cute classic pants, a crisp shirt and blazer or cardie for office or pastoral calls than any of those frumpy sneakery-MJ hybrids. If you have bad feet/bad back, there’s no shame in a nice, clean pair of kicks.

Ye Olde Frumpy Sandale. But there’s no much else out there this season that isn’t a mile-high pair of cork wedges. It’s probably not a year to buy a new pair of work-appropriate sandals.

Danskos bore me no end, but they make a really good, comfortable shoe and they last. These are rather nice. I like the neutral color.

Honestly, if you’re going to wear a Mary Jane, make it a statement. Patent leather is very in this year, as are incredibly blinding, garish metallics. Ouch!

If I could wear 4″ heels comfortably, I would be totally running around all spring in these and a suit or longer skirt. I’m attracted to boots lately. Love ‘em.

These remind me that Baseball Season is coming! But let’s keep the Green Monster at Fenway Park, shall we?

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I Guess Hell Has Done Froze Over…

…because PeaceBang is about to say something POSITIVE about Crocs!!

Thanks to Alert Reader Taylor, I have learned about a very cute line of Crocs here. They bear no resemblance whatsoever to the classic hideous Crocs that should never ever be on your feet during ministry work (walking the dog, taking out the garbage, gardening, running to the store, going to the beach, all fine, who cares). They’re downright pretty!

I would say that this is a perfectly lovely black pump, f’rinstance:

And this, for less than twenny bucks, isn’t a bad ballet flat:

DO, however, pay heed to the customer reviews on the site, several of which make mention of the fact that the shoes take a bit of break-in time, and that the flats tend to look “matronly” or “grandmotherly.”

But any way you slice it, Crocs is branching out beyond those plastic clogs and that can only be a good thing.

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Too-Sexy Boots

Hey there boo-boos!! Have you missed us!? We have MISSED YOU! We like to speak in the royal we as though we had an entire devoted staff working on this blog when really it’s just little ole us.

Let’s be mindful of how sexy-sexy our footwear’s getting out there, okay? Because it’s one thing to be stylish and pizzazzy and with-it, and another to look like we’re moonlighting at Miss Mona’s All-Night House of Lovin’ (discount if you bring a friend!).

High-heeled boots are just plain sexy, so that’s a dose of cayenne to the ministerial image right there.

These are just scary. No one should be wearing a heel or a toe like that in ministry, ever:

These gorgeous Ralph Lauren boots (for a mere $950!! *choke*) are a stunning color and style but I’m sorry, no on the stiletto heel. They’re just too glam:

These are better, but if you’re rocking them with a shorter skirt or dress and leg showing with bare hose, please back into the closet and try again. That’s too hot for a pastor: wear opaque tights and save the flash o’ gam for date night:

These Steve Maddens are so cute I can’t stand it. The rounded toe makes them less aggressively hoochie mama, the buckle is super-pretty, and they’re classic. These would look fabulous with a dress (Don’t you LOVE the grey color? So hard to find!):

General guideline: if you could conceivably stab someone in the jugular with your heel, don’t wear it for anything church-related.

Here’s footage of an ACTUAL BTFM reader, the Lovely and Reverend Diane Miller, purchasing a wonderful pair of Frye boots in Portland, Maine:

That is a really beautiful and classic boot. She’ll have those for decades.

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