Wedge Sandals

I DON’T EVEN WANT TO *THINK* ABOUT THE FACT THAT THE FIRST LADY OF THE UNITED STATES MET THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND IN BARE LEGS.

GODDAMMIT, MELANIA, WERE YOU RAISED IN A BARN? YOU DON’T GO BARE-LEGGED TO MEET THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND!!

Let us now return to our regular programming.

You’re thinking that you’d like to add some presentable sandals to your summer wardrobe. PeaceBang approves. I still think that close-toed shoes are best for church services because toes are distracting in general and feet are weird and there was that one time an acolyte walked by bearing the Big Processional Cross (I’m sorry, I don’t know what the official name is, I’m a Unitarian Universalist and we think such things are papist)and she had screaming orange toenails and I was immediately all up in her toes instead of reflecting on the glory of the resurrected Christ. Run-on sentence, I’m tired, it’s June.

So you have determined that a nice wedge sling-back sandal is a good choice for your shoe wardrobe. Well-done, you. However, which style and color do you choose?

Not denim. Too sporty and cazh:

Not espadrille style. Too casual and sporty for preaching — and of course orange is “fun” and all, but you’re not trying to be fun. You’re trying to be powerful and professional. Save “fun” for your vacation margarita parties (which I hope you do have and invite me to attend).

Best bet for your professional life? Blue, black, neutral shoe with non-contrasting wedge.

This particular style is by Bandolino and I just saw it on sale at Zulily for $29.99. I would probably grab a pair if they were real leather. Non-leather gives me blisters.

Be Pure Of Sole

Hello honey heads, how have you been?

There you are at the thing: the meeting, the service, the protest, the potluck. You have washed up and shined up and showed up. You are engaged. You are grateful and gracious.

You have put together an outfit that you feel respects the occasion. You have ironed your shirt. You have chosen outerwear that reflects your leadership role and is a a few steps above a squall parka. You have brushed the dandruff and animal fur off of your shoulders.

When you did your head-to-toe prayerful preparation for where you needed to be, did you get all the way down to your feet?

I have almost forgotten to review my feet a few times recently and came close to attending an important occasions with mud on my boot heels. I really would have been mortified if someone had noticed the dirt, and I know someone would have. That is not okay. Even in this cursed generation of leggings worn as pants, dirty shoes at solemn occasions is not acceptable unto the Lord.

Microfiber cloths are a fantastic way to clean up your shoes and boots. I have a stack of white ones in my bathroom for make-up removal (they’re miraculous at getting rid of everything, even mascara, with just warm water!) and they work great with a little water or micellar water on dirty or dusty shoes. The micellar water is also a gentle make-up remover but works as a nice face freshener (I like to wipe it under my eyes after a nap or long day) or on any leather products.

Now, if you’re wearing lug soles, please do not come into any building tracking dirt. If muddy hiking boots are your usual workaday wear because you’re doing ministry in a rural environment (and if you’re not, you have no excuse for wearing muddy hiking boots!), take them off in church and have shoes to change into. That also goes for social events in people’s homes, restaurants, community centers, houses of worship and Knights of Columbus halls. Unless you’re doing a part-time ministry with a side gig as a lumberjack, don’t wear muddy hiking boots while pastoring. You ain’t that rugged.


Annie Spratt from Unsplash

Slides, For A Shuffling-Around Life

Darlings, the latest in footwear fads is the slide.

I hate them.

Slides are for the pool. Fancying them up with silk and bows does not make them appropriate footwear for anyone who wants to project an aura of competency and basic intelligence. Does this sound judgmental? That’s because PeaceBang is JUDGING.

Slides are a way of communicating to the world, “I don’t really need to get anywhere, I am just shuffling around in upscale bedroom slippers. I am so officially over it, I can’t even be bothered to wear an actual shoe.”

Slides are fine for poolside, for the gym, or for events in your own home for which you have “help.” Nothing says Bored Heiress like slides.

Not PeaceBang approved for clergy.

Flip Flops and Other Footwear Wrongnesses

Well darlings, you KNOW that someone sent this Boston Globe article to PeaceBang knowing that she would crow in solidarity and total agreement!

HELL, YEA. Flip flops do not belong on adult feet unless those feet are headed to the beach, into a shower, or into the backyard. This is PeaceBang’s attempt to speak for Beauty. Beauty does not shuffle along on dirty soles that skid along the pavement and give dignified persons the gait of a drunken cow. Flip flops are ugliness incarnate, unsafe and unsanitary.

But I also wanted to mention a much less objectionable choice of footwear, which are the new woven elasticized shoes that Bernie Mev has made so popular.

Screen Shot 2016-07-30 at 12.49.49 PM

Cute, right?
Comfy, right?
A little frumpy, sure, but not so bad, right?

Screen Shot 2016-07-30 at 12.49.28 PM
Nothing wrong with that, right?

Two things:

1. Be careful in these. Your foot is not stable in that material, so unless you have strong ankles and feet, avoid them for anything that requires your being on your feet or walking much.

2. These shoes are cute. They’re fine for most things a minister would do in the course of the day but they are not appropriate for formal rites of passage or your most serious professional appearances. They are also not safe for wear in situations that require you to wear close-toed shoes, such as serving in a soup kitchen and possibly working in a hospital, but I would check on the latter.

Don’t let me catch any of y’all burying someone in any open-toed or cloth shoes. You know better than that, right?

NO ESPADRILLES. Too casual. Too summery.

Screen Shot 2016-07-30 at 1.14.02 PM

NOT EVEN LEATHER ESPADRILLES.
Screen Shot 2016-07-30 at 1.13.37 PM

NO TOM’S.

Screen Shot 2016-07-30 at 1.12.25 PM
NO DADDY BOAT SHOES.
Screen Shot 2016-07-30 at 1.10.34 PM

THESE SPERRY TOPSIDERS ARE FINE.

Screen Shot 2016-07-30 at 1.09.38 PM

I’m still thinking about the funeral that minister did in madras shorts and I think, Yea, better say it just in case.