Preaching Folders

Hi Cookies!! How have you been?
I have been doing a lot of nothing that I SHOULD be doing, but that’s the curse of vacation, isn’t it? I’d originally also intended to watch Hamilton in NYC but I pulled out my bucket list and decided to sojourn, in a whim. You think, “Oh, I have all this blessed time to organize my study and think Big Thoughts, and pray every day like a Desert Father, and walk for an hour a day,” and you wind up eating popcorn and watching “Vicious” on PBS and cackling like a nasty little child at the delicious spectacle of two of England’s best actors dish each other, and you hardly walk the dog at all because he is suddenly aggressive with other pooches, and you do not even step FOOT in your study.

Being a semi-Calvinist type, the guilt is just CONSUMING me today, so before I go to the beach I decided to pop out this blog post for you, since it’s a perfect time of year to start thinking about back to school supplies. And this is one you need.

Let’s talk about FOLIOS, darlings. Let me tell you a funny story, which I don’t think the Rev. Peter Morales will mind if I share, because it was very cute.

Back in June, I attended our Unitarian Universalist Association General Assembly, where among other things, I applied make-up and/or did hair for some of our preachers. ‘Tis a scary thing to know you’re going up on the JUMBOTRON, and it’s a very wise idea to think about appearance well in advance so as to help steady the nerves, and it helps to have PeaceBang, your own devoted Clergy Stage Mother, ready willing and able to powder your face or volumize your hair or give you some eyebrows or consult on lipstick.

I said “ready, willing and able” but the truth is, PeaceBang is only apparently ready and able after 9:00 AM. Those leading worship before 9:00 AM must powder their own bald pates, and I owe certain dear colleagues an apology for promising to do that for them but failing to arise early enough. Mea maxima culpa, bald and reverend darlings.

I had consulted with the radiant, gifted Rev. Rebekah Montgomery about make-up for the Service Of the Living Tradition, which is the biggest service at GA, and the one during which we honor our ministers at every phase of their service to the movement: preliminary fellowship, final fellowship, retirement, and in memoriam. It is a very emotional service and the sermon is very important. Rebekah would be giving the sermon.

I promised her that I would get to the arena in time for “last looks,” which is a Hollywood term for the make-up and hair people on the set to duck in past the camera and arrange locks of hair just so, dab the star’s face with a bit of powder or lip gloss, and then scram so the director can start filming again. As the hour approached, I ran to the convention hall, careened down hallways and pounded down staircases to the bowels of the facility. It was kind of like that scene in “Spinal Tap” where the band gets lost in the corridors of the concert venue and never makes it to the stage at all. “HELLO, CLEVELAND!”

Just in time, I found the clergy speakers lined up and ready to process in to the opening hymn. I’m sure I looked like a harridan out of hell as I ran to Rebekah for last looks, stepping back to regard her through slitted eyes. All she needed was a touch of blush and powder, which I quickly applied. The president of the Unitarian Universalist Association, the Rev. Peter Morales, jokingly said, “How about me? Am I good?”

But see, you DON’T SAY THAT TO PEACEBANG UNLESS YOU WANT A REAL ANSWER, Y’ALL.

Because what have I always told you? I want ALL my babies to be stars!
Did my president and colleague need a “last look?” I scanned him through PeaceBang’s assessing gaze. YES! He did! He was holding his papers in a paper folder with the pricetag showing. We only had SECONDS before mon capitan had to process into the convention hall, so I barked, “I don’t want to see that price tag!” And we all laughed a quick burst as the game Rev. Morales quickly flipped the folder to hide the offending tag. His expression was hilarious.

Details, my angels. When you’re giving the prayer over the dead, we do not want to see the price tag on your folder! And what are you doing carrying paper folders in the first place? Don’t you know that you’re supposed to ask for this for Christmas?

Red would suit him best, I think (he’s at the far left):

As for myself, I’d like one in cobalt, please. I’ve been using the same leather folio for (no kidding), 28 years and I set it down on a candle flame last winter and put an ugly burn in it. I think my new one should have a monogram, too. VAW. Not PB. Although that would certainly be adorable.