Here’s a little 6.33 minute video I made to answer the question I have received a few times in recent months, namely, “How can I have that awkward conversation with my student intern/new junior colleague who dresses inappropriately for the job?”
A few things:
1. Frame it in a positive way (“I think you’re doing a great job and have real gifts, so I want to give you some feedback that I think will only help you move into your role with even more success.”
2. Use language of formal/informal instead of “appropriate” and “professional.” Unless you want to. You know the players; I don’t.
3. Don’t ever get drawn into a conversation about a specific item of clothing or garment. You haven’t got time to quibble over skirt lengths.
4. Ignore my ramblings at 4:23. I got tired. That was a stupid idea.
*Oh, you thought this was going to be about sexuality education? Naw, that’s EASY by comparison!
Great tips! As for number 2, I don’t think you can say “formal v informal” in all cases. We had an intern wear a very formal, yet short, tight, sparkly, and low -cut dress to the office one day. Yes, it was formal, but it was neither appropriate nor professional. :/ luckily, she was spoken to, and now wears more office-appropriate outfits. [Good point. Formal to some people = party wear. The understanding of what to wear as a guest at a wedding has gone out the window. So many young women dress exactly as you describe: attending a country club afternoon wedding in disco casino glam. – PB]
You are perhaps too modest to suggest it, but if I had to talk someone about their clothing, I would refer them to this website.
Student ministers could also be encouraged to confer with their peers about clothing. A fellow student at my seminary led a weekly discussion group for women to talk about clothing and clergy image, and it was wonderful for those of us who attended. A great chance to wrestle together with these topics.
Thanks, PB. Important topic. I have a few personal experiences to share.
Very early in my internship, I came to the church office for my day of work there dressed in a plaid flannel shirt and jeans. (I had been a seminarian in Berkeley CA where anything goes, and now it was winter in Charlottesville, VA.) I have very short hair, and was standing in the minister’s office with my back to the door when a respected elder woman member spoke to me. When I turned around, she said with some surprise, “Oh, it’s you! I thought you were a man.” I got it immediately and never showed up at church again without dressing appropriately (skirt or nice pants, attractive top). I should have known better.
In my role as minister, I once had to tell a brand-new RE coordinator that she had dressed inappropriately for her first Sunday on the job. (Not only did I think so, but several members of the church took me aside immediately after the service and told me I had to do something!) Way plunging neckline (the girls were definitely on display) and way too short a skirt so that when she bent to light the children’s chalice with her back to the congregation, we saw far FAR too much of her. I wanted us to debrief together after her first day anyway, as there was other feedback to give her as well, so I included this item in a list of other things to talk about. I just slipped it in there as #4 out of 5 or so, and simply said “Could you dress a little more modestly after this?” Much to my relief, she said “Oh, sure,” and was appropriately attired from then on. (I think I got off easy.)
this column was just 2 weeks too late for me. Our rector appeared to conduct the funeral of a long time, much loved member of the congregation wearing blue plaid shorts and a blue clergy shirt and birkenstocks over which she slung a stole. This is a 50 plus year old woman. This is an Anglican/Epicopal Church in a rural area. It was an exceedingly hot day nevertheless most of the men in the congregation had either shirts and ties or suits and shirts and ties. All of the women, even those who worked in the kitchen ahead, were fully dressed. I was actually shocked. After the service I approached the wardens about this – they both grinned sheepishly and declined to do anything about it. I asked one of the deacons what she thought. She said she was disappointed to see the rector like that but she was not willing to speak to her. I discussed this with my husband, a retired minister, who said he didn’t think she would take it well if I spoke to her. I tried another lay reader who is close to her. She said “Oh my husband and I are close friends of theirs, I couldn’t do it.” So I did it. I met with her and I said that it hadn’t been respectful to dress like that for a funeral. She said that she feels the heat more than most people
. I said nevertheless it was not respectful. She said that she had cut out two dresses in the winter but hadn’t had time to make them. I said “whatever the reason, it wasn’t respectful”. And I finished it off by saying that I was a second career person and a woman and that I was telling her because I know that it is hard for older rural women and men to accept a woman anyway so it’s important to always appear professional. Her face was a study. I thought she might cry. So I ended the conversation by saying “just think about what I have said”. The next Sunday she approached me after church and said “you were right. Thank you for telling me.” All this to say that had I read your column first I could have been smoother but it did turn out for which I am grateful.