Oh my goodness, pigeons! Your comments in response to my video chit-chat about the importance of engaging the face are all wonderful. I want to respond to a few of them.
Tim writes that his ordinary “listening” expression has been read by some people as being angry, and when he has made attempts to smile more, he was advised to stop smiling so much. He is now searching for a happy medium. This is very real work and I commend Tim for taking it seriously. Again, it ties into this blog’s mission to help ministers integrate our inner reality with our exterior image: regardless of how beautiful and faithful our souls, what other people see is the body, the face, and the appearance. There is nothing vain or frivolous about making a sincere effort to assure that what people see is what we intend to communicate. That’s what we’re here for, darlings.
A couple of you mention the reality of interacting with negative or even destructive individuals, and wonder – how do we manage our facial expressions with them? I will share with you a wonderful expression given me by one of my best clergy friends, who says, “You can love them, but don’t give ’em any sunshine.”
I think that’s a brilliant expression. The fact is, when we’re actively listening, giving of our life force, and energetically engaging with folks, we are shining on them. You know how tired you can get after a visit spent “shining on” someone who is frail, depressed, sick, unresponsive or in crisis. This kind of pastoral “shining” is the opposite of the old expression “shining someone on,” which refers to hoodwinking or scamming someone. Giving sunshine is a huge part of what we do, and as I suggested in my video, we can do that in an extroverted manner or in a gentler, introverted fashion. It depends who you are. But we do a lot of it.
In times of conflict when folks are coming at the pastor to triangulate, vent, attack, project, bully or manipulate, it is important to protect yourself, as Judy W. suggests. The way to do that in the moment is to lace your fingers over your solar plexus (which protects that energy center, or chakra), remember to breathe deeply so that anxiety is manageable and does not cloud your thinking, and remember that you can step out of the way and let God be there in your place: the God who loves, the God who forgives, the God who understands the soul of the person in front of you. If you like, you can be Jesus for a few minutes, or Rabbi Hillel, or Buddha, or some other holy person who is able to receive the presence of the one in front of you while you personally remain neutral and observant.
This does not preclude the possibility of allowing yourself to show a measure of irritation or frustration if that’s warranted. After all, those who expect ministers to be saints are not living on Planet Reality and you should feel no obligation to fulfill that ridiculous and destructive fantasy for them. In fact, one of the most challenging realities in the Church today is the generational divide between those who were raised in an era were clergy were expected to be perpetually patient, even indulgent figures and the younger generation who desperately seek authenticity and relatability in their pastors. The younger members want to know that ministers have a sense of humor, edge, a healthy dose of anger, strength of personality, a trustworthy bullshit detector and a real life outside the Sunday worship experience. They don’t respect pandering, primness or passivity.
When you as the pastor model the ability to stand present but not eagerly engaged with every dysfunctional individual who comes wheeling toward you, you show the healthy members of the congregation that you have healthy boundaries. It is all our responsibility not to mistake our call to love with an obligation to tolerate all behaviors. Therefore, it is important to find a “game face” that you can wear when individuals are actively involving you in conversation that is obviously meant to unnerve, upset or disempower you and has no constructive function. No one likes to talk about this, but it is a reality in every ministry at one point or another.
Love ’em, but don’t give ’em any sunshine.
These last two posts and the accompanying comments have been insightful and helpful for me. At yesterday’s Presbytery meeting there was a stack of Eugene Peterson’s book, “The Contemplative Pastor”, for free. I grabbed a copy and got well into the book last night. Peterson has wise words and good food for our souls…for indeed it is our inner state of mind that we often project in our facial expressions. He also redefines the meaning of “pastor”, through three adjectives:
“unbusy, subversive, and apocalyptic.” Those words alone, really have me thinking differently!
I had a tumor by my eye that had to be surgically removed some years ago. The surgery left my face partially paralyzed and my eyes permanently messed up. I cannot tell you how much this has impeded my ministry. I used to be “read” as empathic and easily present; now I can feel the distance between me and those with whom I am engaged. It has also left me–a preacher!–with a speech impediment. All of this has carved in me such a deep, deep sadness that I don’t even have words to express my sorrow. While it has given me a TINY glimpse of what it is like to live with a deblitating illness–and, so, has increased my empathy for sisters and brothers who find themselves living with physical limitations of many kinds–I would trade that empathy in a heartbeat to have my face and speech back. PB’s video and subsequent posting has given me the opportunity to tell all you PB fans to FOLLOW HER WISDOM. If you can move your face: 1. Thank God/dess every day; don’t take your mobility for granted. 2. Move it! Be present to others with your gaze, your smile, your furrowed brow. 3. Be intentional aboout that movement. Listen to our beloved PB. [This is a moving testimonial, my beloved Brigid. I’ve known you for years and not known about this struggle. Bless you for sharing. -PB]
Beautiful, PB!
You remind me of the great Peter Gomes sermon on “Be ye wise as serpents, and innocent as the dove.” He said the dove is not innocent in the sense of not knowing what’s going on. She is not ignorant, nor stupid, nor in denial. In fact, the serpent’s wisdom comes from connection with the earth, its temperature, texture, and rumblings.
But we are called, with God’s help, to respond in love rather than reacting in fear. A lifelong learning, and a choice that comes every moment.
a few years ago, I realised I had the ability to “widen the mask” as they say in theatre speak- open up my eyes/forhead area- with a few practice sessions in front of the mirror- it helps me look open and accessible- not angry or furrowed brow-ish- my natural state (ha!)- I try to check in with myself and make sure the face muscles are still doing it when I am listening–also learned from some dear colleagues in social ministries- how to keep open and lisetning even while hearing horrific things- so to stay connected with the speaker….