Hello darlings,
I held off on publishing this until I got some feedback on it. I don’t know how to edit video and there’s a critical part I would have liked to have cut, but I got assurance from a couple of trusted advisors that the overall message is worth hearing, so I’m going ahead and sharing it with you. It’s long — sorry about that, but brevity is not the soul of PeaceBang!! Kiss of peace.
13 Replies to “Engaging Your Face”
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Your video is not viewable. When I click on the play arrow I get a message that states: This Video is Private. [Thanks, I just fixed it. Try again! – PB]
Spot on. Not having experienced the encounter that you described, I’ll only say that sometimes I have a flat affect in response to others can be shaped by stress, strain or pain that I’m experiencing. Often if it’s pointed out to me that gets me out of my stuck place. Perhaps that’s what you experienced in your encounter. But I’ve also experienced the kind of non-response response that you described, and it indeed is draining.
Thanks for the conversation starter.
Very interesting. I tend to think that the problem lies in me when I have these kinds of encounters. Thanks for voicing an unspoken observation for me.
I wonder how much the inability to speak of negative experience impacts this reality. Can flat affect be a result of feeling powerless to say “I’m really struggling right now?” No solutions, only wondering…
Love this! I can be overwhelmed by the sheer # of people on Sunday mornings in our large church (with 3 morning services) – but I do consider every personal encounter a gift and feel blessed by all genuine interaction with anyone 🙂
Thanks, PB, this is helpful reminder. One thing I’m wondering about in response is how to handle the intuitive feeling we sometimes get when talking with a person who is hostile to us, or whom we don’t like, that says “I need to protect myself here.” That could be a cause of what the other person experiences as a flat affect.
Let’s face it, we DO need to protect ourselves now and then. How do you suggest we handle such a situation?
Mwah back atcha!
Boy, this is timely. We’re experiencing some church conflict right now. (I know it’s hard to believe, but in SOME churches, people don’t get along. *winky-face*) I don’t struggle with the flat affect so much, but I do find it hard to engage some mornings, especially with people that I don’t fully trust. And with people that I DO trust, I have to fight the eye-rolling tendency when they mention what’s going on. Pastoral work is HARD, y’all. All that to say, thanks for the reminder that it’s not just my words, but my expression that communicates so much.
Take a Risk!
You are totally correct. That kind of flat affect sends a toxic message to a parishioner. A parishoner might want to share something difficult or painful, or maybe just have an enjoyable interpersonal encounter with his/her pastor. Either way, the pastor’s flat affect can easily be interpreted as “I’m mentally multitasking because you and your joys/concerns are just not that interesting.” What a devastating message to send. And it’s so simple to avoid by just practicing some active listening skills – lean in close, nod as they speak, make eye contact, smile or look concerned as appropriate. (This comes naturally to extraverts, but so many of us pastors are introverts and need to practice extraverting to get skillful at it).
As a bishop from my childhood used to say, “Remember who you are, and Who you represent.”
This is incumbent not only on clergy and seminarians, but the entire priesthood of all believers: the person you’re talking with is a beloved child of God.
You may not know if you are the angel God is sending them today, or if they are the one God’s sending you, but you have to hold your head up and smile to find out.
I don’t think I have a flat affect, but I’ve been told that when I’m being “serious” I often look angry. Then the feedback from an important panel meeting, when I tried to address the dour look, was to stop smiling so much. So I’m still in search of the happy medium.
Two groups of people who may have a flat affect are blind people and those who are depressed. If you’re either of those, be extra aware of how others read you. And of course, we’re all in different places on that spectrum naturally. We need to know our default in order to compensate for it.
A really important piece of feedback for me during seminary was that I come across as cool and reserved. I didn’t feel cool and reserved, and I knew I wanted my warmth to show, so I have paid attention to it ever since. It was tremendously helpful information. All of us who are mentoring students and new ministers can help them very much by just telling them how they present themselves. Even the most self-aware person needs this information from someone who isn’t them.
More video! I loved your smiling, engaged self talking to me.
Oh, oh , oh, my dearest PB, I did NOT just hear you refer to yourself as an “extroverted spaz.” But, sadly: I did. Been hearing this pejorative a lot more frequently in recent months. On behalf of your fellow human beings and religious professionals with spasticity, I invite you to search your heart about whether perpetuating this particular ableist language is consistent with your universalist theology. (Hint: since I know you, I think it’s not.)
As a person with spasticity and a sense of humor, I am heartsore that this type of “figurative” language goes unquestioned and persists. Would we liberal minded & -hearted religious professionals employ the “n word?” Or “retard”? What makes it okay to insults ourselves or others as a “spaz”?
Girlfriend, you know better, so please do better.
And since no Unitarian Universalist message is complete without suggested resources…:
http://wemove.org/spa/
http://www.r-word.org/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ableism
http://www.beyondwhiteness.com/2012/02/20/paul-kivel-guidelines-for-being-strong-white-allies/ applicable to all forms of counter-oppression
Okay, now I’m gonna fold my hands over my solar plexus and listen to the rest of your as ever fab message… after I recover from this muscle spasm…
<3
[Aw, Maud! Thank you for this — I totally haven’t thought about where the word “spaz” comes from. I won’t use it again and I am sorry to have caused you heart soreness, for which I send you love and light. – PB]