Beauty Tips for Ministers

M.Div., B.O.

This Just In: CLERGYWOMEN PERSPIRE.

Great balls o’ fire! Didn’t know that, did you? Because unlike PeaceBang, you have never, for instance, preached an ordination sermon at the end of August in Pittsburgh and actually needed to change your entire outfit afterwards because you could LITERALLY wring sweat out of your skirt. And unlike PeaceBang, you have never kept a hair dryer in your office for summer weddings and funerals so that you could officiate, blow dry your hair and then appear at the reception looking like an almost-normal human being. Unlike PeaceBang, you have never tucked a lightweight cotton hand towel into the back waistband of your pantyhose to catch the sweat that runs down your back before it drips down your legs and pools into your pumps.
You have never done these things because you are a LADY, and ladies don’t sweat, they glisten.

If that’s you, just move along then. Go be delicate, dry and fragrant somewhere else.

Here is a letter from a lady minister who not only glistens, she sweats. And she has a delicate problem caused by the necessity of wearing unnatural fibers:

I only wear my collar on Sundays and other holidays. I tend to wear a sleeveless shell with a cardigan or jacket. Here’s my problem- the man-made materials of my shirts eventually retain the smell of body odor and have to be thrown away! What are my other options? I prefer a wash and wear, because I do not iron.
I’ve had this problem with both the Almy and the WomenSpirit sleeveless clerical blouses.

Any thoughts?

My first thought, darling, is MITCHUM, which I think is the best deody-o made.
My second thought is “I’m glad I don’t wear a collar.” I’m quite partial to cotton, you see.
My third thought is, why not try those perspiration shields you can find in some of the older drugstores? Couldn’t hurt. It seems simply awful to spend all that money on the clerical shirts only to have to discard them. Would a good Woolite rinse after each wash prolong their life longer? Febreze?

Perspiring, clericals-wearing colleagues, chime in!

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Depilation for the Ladies : aka Girl ‘Stache Removal

Good morning, class!! Today we will be talking about that moment when a woman looks in the mirror as she’s washing her face and says to herself, “OH MY GOD, DO I HAVE A MOUSTACHE!!!!!!!?”
PeaceBang has received a letter from one such woman. Read on:

Hi, so in the first place I love your blog, the energy and the theology of valuing bodies that shines through every word. Thanks for all you do. And here’s the embarrassing question – as a 50-something [pastor], I usually feel pretty good about my style at work, but lately I’ve been noticing this kind of freaky mustache that is making its home on my upper lip. Soft hair, but darker than I would like. I know it’s one of those things that comes with aging, but I’m pretty confused about the remedy. I honestly don’t want to be hanging around my [parishioners] in a mustache, but I don’t know anything about the options – I hear vague things about bleaching, waxing, etc., and it just leaves me confused (I’ve never done anything but pluck a few stray eyebrows, either, so I’m not used to this). I know you are way too young to have to worry about this, but you seem to have the secret knowledge about these things. Thanks!

Ah, Grasshoppah.
Nothing to be embarrassed about!! I think it is wonderful that you are willing to do something about the ’stache, which I think is unattractive and can be distracting as well. More than anything, I think that a dark ’stache makes the upper lip look dirty. I have more than once had to stop myself from saying to a woman, “You’ve got something smudged on your upper li….ooops. No, nothing. I didn’t say anything!”

Being a fair-haired and skinned woman in my extended family of olive-skinned and ebony-tressed Jewish beauties, I knew about the magic of Jolen cream bleach before I hit puberty. I don’t think I ever opened the medicine cabinet of any of my cousins without seeing the trusty aqua box:

Jolen creme bleach (pronounced Joe-leen) is cheap, it works and it’s a good product. Yes, it will sting a bit (nothing that lightens dark hair won’t sting). You should be careful to use the correct measurements of activating powder to cream. Run a washcloth under very cold water and press it to your upper lip after you have rinsed the product off well. Repeat until redness and swelling go down (it will only last a few minutes). Do the patch test on your arm or other unobtrusive place.

Sally Hansen makes an excellent cream hair REMOVAL (not dye — their dyeing product actually doesn’t work at all, according to on-line reviewers). I have used Sally Hansen Brush-On Hair Removalin the past and although the smell is yucky, it works very well:

Again, do a patch test and use the cold washcloth on the upper lip after the treatment. Do NOT rub ice on your face, as that is too harsh and can freeze the skin. Do not rub the cloth on the skin, just gently hold it there, patting a bit. You may choose to follow with a bit of aloe vera gel if it works for you (a surprising number of people are actually allergic to aloe vera gel!).

I have a little blunt edged pair of sharp scissors that I keep in my medicine cabinet for de-’staching. The light in the bathroom is the best, I can get up real close to the mirror, and I just snip it all off. My hair is very light, though, so you may want to go with waxing or bleaching.

Another option is to get a $10 wax job at a local salon — make sure they have a certified aesthetician on staff, and don’t plan to get it done immediately before an important event in case you get a bit of redness. Don’t let a manicurist at a nail salon do it, even if it’s cheaper. Insist on a licensed professional.

Do NOT pluck and do NOT shave!!

Many women have hairy upper lips all their lives, but facial hair growth is incredibly common when we hit the menopausal years. Just another fun detail about hormonal changes no one ever tells us about!!
Let’s all join in a chorus of “I Enjoy Being a Girl!!”
Next Chapter: “Tweezing Chin Hairs For Fun And Profit.” (Confession: I keep a tweezers in my car! I find that the light in the rearview mirror is amazing and I always spot Frightening Whiskers on my way to some event. Talk about keeping a girl humble! Just when you think you’re all dolled up with every hair in place…)

Thanks for writing, dearie!
Kiss of peace!! xxxoo

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Piskie Cry For Help

Doves, I got this a few days ago,

Dear PeaceBang,

Kindly provide advice regarding cassocks & surplice for a size 8, 5′ 5″ deacon-in-training in the Episcopal Church.

Re: cassocks – anglican or roman?

Re: surplices – old english or american?

After viewing pics at www.almy.com I think that the anglican cassock will be as dreadful as a cinctured alb and that the American surplice will make me look short and squat. So far my only advice is from a male priest (who clearly understands nothing of the trauma of nipping in excess fabric at the waist) and a female priest (who has voted for comfort and fewer buttons over femininity).

Oh, PeaceBang, please help. These are too pricey to make a mistake.

Dearest K,
What are the other deacons-in-training around you wearing? I would definitely consult with them first. Welcome to the world of “Oh my LORD, vestments make my butt/waist look huge!” It’s part of our work, I’m afraid, and I wouldn’t fret overly about it. As I’ve written you privately, do take a look at the extensive archives on the subject, with special attention to the “Piskie” entries and comments. And I know that my readers are going to jump in here with loads of helpful ideas as they always do, because they’re the bestest!!

Kiss of peace, PB

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Excuse Avalanche

Now here’s a perfect example of something that drives PeaceBang nuts. She’s going to coin a term today for it, and that term is the “Excuse Avalanche.”

It goes like this: a woman visits this blog –which is obviously all ABOUT image and appearance– and doesn’t like what she reads. Instead of saying, “Thanks but no thanks for your advice, as I don’t intend to add even lipstick to my daily routine,” or simply leaving without commenting, she does a hyperbolic pile-on. It sounds like this,

My grey is coming in and turning 40 in two weeks. I have no intention of dyeing it. Why? Because, I’m not Oprah – I can’t afford to have a hairstylist, makeup artist and airbrush going 24/7. – quote taken from More.com

PeaceBang ADORES hyperbole, believe her. It is one of her favorite all-time writing devices. She just thinks that in cases like this, the hyperbolic, avalanche effect is irrational, defensive and rather ridiculous. A box of hair color costs $8 or so. If one chooses to dye her hair, this does not necessitate a concomitant commitment (say THAT four times in a row fast!) to hiring a hairstylist, make-up artist or any other service provider of the kind. It necessitates nothing whatsoever. It is a color job, and it can grow out. How did we get from “Gee, I bet a rich, bright hair color would really flatter your skin tone” to hiring a full-time beauty staff? EXCUSE AVALANCHE, that’s how! TIMMMMBERRRR!

It is true that attention to one’s appearance can have a bit of a domino effect: when we see how good we look and feel with an updated hair style, we may be excited about extending that good feeling to new attention to make-up, clothing, accessories, etc. However, this is never required by anyone, and certainly not by PeaceBang, who would like to remind her readers that It’s All About You, Pigeons. PeaceBang is but a mirror: what you see in her suggestions is your own reflection gazing back at you, asking “How do you like what you see? How is that working for you?”

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No, This Isn’t Progress

Dear PeaceBang,
I recently attended a workshop where I was the lone Congregationalist minister among a group of amazing Episcopal women priests and rectors. Dress was casual, so I wore slacks, a twin set, a cute scarf, flats, and modest jewelry. What struck me was how all these (middle aged) women of accomplishment, personal beauty, etc., wives and mothers all, at this meeting dressed in ways that utterly negated their femininity: very short cropped off hair, very baggy sweaters/shirts/pants, sensible shoes, and most of them badly needed a bra intervention. It was as if they were trying to look like honorary men to be in their field. It bothered me enormously. Surely, this is not progress! I’d be interested in your comments on this phenomenon.

Dear Amazed,
This is the phenomenon to which PeaceBang, in her own irreverent manner, is constantly calling our attention.
I don’t think this is so much about trying to be “honorary men,” but about these worthy women being afraid to be polished and put-together, not knowing how to be, or having internalized the pernicious and naive message that “those things” don’t matter.

As PeaceBang is always, always affirming, those things DO matter. They matter tremendously. Drab, aggressively sexless, sartorially clueless people in any profession make a statement by their very presence, and that statement is not a good one. Some of the non-verbal statements such appearance makes are:

1. I do not want anyone to look at me.
2. I don’t deserve attention; being noticed is something I am not prepared to accept and a responsibility I do not want.
3. I am harmless; in fact, I am passive. The world is happening around me and I hope to be invisible in it.
4. I don’t care. I occupy an alternative universe where appearance doesn’t matter — and if you notice that I am frumpy, it must be because you are not as holy as I am.
5. (similar) You should be enlightened enough not to be distracted by my terrible clothing and ill-fitting undergarments: what’s the matter with you? This isn’t my problem, but yours.
6. Please do not mistake me for a leader. Isn’t it obvious from my demeanor and my attire that I have no desire to represent any ideal higher than that of personal comfort? If there were camera crews outside covering today’s event, my on-camera appearance would immediately communicate to the public that nothing of real importance happens in here.

I have been writing this column for several years now, and it makes me sad to hear these reports. It makes me sad that so many clergywoman still write me letters accusing me of being materialistic and sexist and judgmental when really, I’m just reporting how public image works and is interpreted in the dominant culture. If religious leaders want to have a positive influence in the world, it really helps if we understand — and accept — how the world works. As always, it depends where your ministry is. I am writing mostly for parish ministers located in secular communities where the Church is seen as a quaint, easy-to-ignore institution that dabbles in good works and engages in arcane rituals of no interest to sophisticated, intelligent people. Being insistently invisible and schlubby in our appearance is just another way to validate that image.

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Inscribe These Words Upon Your Heart

“Just because I can get this garment ON does NOT MEAN THAT IT ACTUALLY FITS.”

Now, for a fuller explanation of what I mean, search for “Fit” in the right upperhand search engine on this blog. Read, learn, embrace.

Repeat after me, darlings:

“JUST BECAUSE I CAN GET THIS GARMENT ON DOES NOT MEAN THAT IT ACTUALLY FITS.”

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