Beauty Tips for Ministers

Helping A Friend & Transitions Out of Seminary To Ministry

Mon petite daffodils,

Transitions are hard. It is hard to transition from being a stay-at-home mama to being, for instance, a working woman in the corporate world. It is hard to transition from being a working person to a retired person. It is challenging to transition from being a movie star to being a rehab resident. It is hard to transition from being a seminarian to an ordained clergyperson.

What happens when one of your friends doesn’t seem to be making the transition well? You must pull him or her aside and say this:

“Honey Lamb, I love ya like a house afire, but your look is still too Hanes-oriented to make the professional scene. You’re undermining your own authority by wearing shapless sweatclothes, and it still doesn’t work if they’re skirts or pants or shirts with buttons; they’re not appropriate. Please let me go shopping with you and we’ll make a super fun day of it and try on tons of stuff — even stuff you don’t think will look good on you — we’re going to explore, not necessarily to purchase — and we’re going to find the more beautiful, polished YOU I know is in there. And you’re going to agree to this or I am going to send Marvin the Torch to your closet and there will be a Very Tragic Accident there.”

The point is, you must be blunt. You gotta be brave, ya gotta be bold, ya gotta be stronger. That’s not just a great karaoke song by Des’ree, it’s also a truth about friendship relationships. Friends do not let friends leave the house with muffin tops and rear-end cleavage. They call their sisters on dresses that have become a Festival of Inappropriate Sharing and offer to loan a camisole if necessary. Dudes pull their dude pals aside and say, “Let me loan you my electric razor, pal. Better yet, I’ll come over ten minutes earlier tonight and shave those gorilla hairs off the back of your neck for you, which, by the way, wouldn’t hurt to scrub now and then.” This is a given. But God also helps those who help themselves, and those of us who know that we’re going to be making an important life transition will do ourselves a world of good if we prepare earlier, rather than later, for that transition. For ministers-to-be, this means:

1. Get out of your sweats and jeans once in awhile. Own at least a couple pairs of pants that could serve in a professional setting, and know what size and cuts flatter you and FIT. Why wait until pre-candidating week, when you’ll already have enough on your mind? What’s your dress size? Hate dresses? What’s your skirt size? Fellas, do you own at least once decent tie? Get on it. Sports coat, a few decent shirts? Borrow if you have to. Develop a spectrum of looks and make some conscious choices about where and when they work for you. When in doubt, overdress a bit.

2. Assemble your grooming and/or cosmetics products as soon as you can, and start a routine of using them. Sure, you can go to class with witchy dry hair or scraggly facial hair, crust in your eyes and pallid, puffy skin that identifies you as someone who hasn’t seen the light of day since you started Intermediate Greek, but don’t get used to yourself that way. Step it up when you can. Don’t start bad grooming habits in seminary and expect it to be easy to break them once you’re a working pastor. This leads to the type of whining that causes PeaceBang to want to spank you: “I don’t have tiiiiiime to style my hair! I don’t have tiiiiiime to wear blush or lipstick!” Well then, poochikins, you don’t have tiiime to project an image of leadership, pride in your calling and dignity of the pastoral office, either, and PeaceBang doesn’t have tiiiime for that attitude!

3. As early as possible, start an organizational system for your liturgical and programmatic work. The first time someone asks you to preach, start a file for that service under theme or date or however you choose to do it. File away prayers, file chalice lightings, invocations, funeral/memorial readings, baby blessings, orders of service …. develop a system and start using it devotedly at the earliest possible moment. This isn’t about your external beauty but your interior calm when you start leading and crafting worship yourself, and (pssst), if you have an organized study (PeaceBang’s books are arranged, for instance, by subject all over her parsonage), you’ll have the tiiiiime you need before a wedding or Sunday morning service to iron your shirt and shine your shoes, fill in your eyebrows and apply some lip gloss, do ten minutes of deep belly breathing, and show up poised, peaceful and prepared.

As the world gets more chaotic and uncertain, my doves, we must be ever-more-conscious, centered and grounded representatives of HaShem, the divine Presence. If we come shooting through the door in drab jeans, hair sprouting from our ears, white gym socks where there should be black dress socks, faces and bodies that tell a tale of self-neglect, we contribute to the sense that God is not in His/Her heaven and all is not right with the world.

Tell a different tale. Tell it with your very being. Start today. Go be beautiful.

Don’t Let Them Make You Play “Dress Up In Daddy’s Clothes”

Dear Lovely People,

An alert reader sent me this link to a very endearing post written by blogger Rev. Mama. She’s really a stitch, and I love her observation that no matter who you are, the moment you don a white alb you look like a middle-aged male archeologist (a reference to Indiana Jones — just go read it and you’ll understand what she means).

Aside from my appreciation for her wit and ‘tude, I was very concerned to hear that petite Rev. Mama is being expected by her congregation to wear vestments tailored to fit a man (the previous rector) who is much larger and taller than she. What fresh hell is this, PeaceBang would like to know? I wrote a pushy stage mother-ish response on her blog (for which she was gracious enough to thank me, and to give me permission to scream n’ yell about the issue here), but let’s TALK about this!

Let’s consider a comparison from the corporate world. Say you get a job as CEO of a big company and you show up for your first day at work. “Here, come with me,” says a member of the staff. “Now that you’re the CEO, we expect you to wear John Smith’s suit. He was the CEO before you got here and we liked him a lot, so we hope you’ll wear it in good health.”
They hand you a size 42, and you’re a size 36. How is this supposed to work? How are you supposed to command respect and do a good job while your pants are falling down and your sleeves flopping all over your computer when you try to get the big report ready? Quelle ridiculosity!

I told Rev. Mama that I hoped she would insist that the church have the vestments tailored to fit her, for heaven’s sake. If they don’t, she should take it upon herself to get it done. She writes that she is “only” the associate pastor, and methinks there’s the origins of her hesitance. But my heavens, darlings, if you are up there presiding in a chasuble and stole, it matters not whether you’re Big Cheese Kahunah of the Church, intern, aspirant, novice, associate, assistant or Random Peon. You should not be swimming in your vestments, being literally diminished by them and endangering your safety and the safety of those around you. What if you trip on your stole and hit someone in the head with a flying chalice? How would you explain that to your bishop?

None of us should be officiating in vestments that are perilously small or comically large. Ministry is hard enough work, and sacramental liturgy a serious enough business that either the church, or we, should make it our business to make sure our vestments fit properly. No more dressing up in Big Daddy’s (or Big Mama’s) clothing.

And for the record, PeaceBang would like to affirm her belief that there’s no such thing as being “only” an associate pastor. From what PeaceBang has observed over ten years in parish ministry, associate pastors get ridden just as hard by the Holy Spirit as do senior pastors, and spend just as many sleepless nights. There are no second-class citizens in the Kingdom of God or in the ministry. Remember that, pigeons.

No More Shorts and Flip-Flops: Back To School Check-list

It’s late August and time to make appointments to cut and color the hair and to put on some nails, which are all chawed down. I must admit that I’ve enjoyed chewing them with impunity all summer. But they look cruddy, so it’s back to Lee the Magical Manicurist!

I’m wearing real shoes today to get my feet prepared for the big transition from free toes to enclosed tootsies. The prison door closes in! (Although it’s absolutely fine to wear dressy open-toed sandals or shoes for the office for as long as you can stand it weather-wise).

Time to shake out and re-fold all the sweaters, look to make sure I have enough pantyhose and tights and socks and undies so I don’t have to waste time shopping for them in the busy season coming up. Time to check the shampoo and soap and paper supplies and lay in enough of all the basics to get me through January, at least. Time to reorganize cosmetics and jewelry cases to make morning get-ready time easier.

In the closet:

1. What needs to be given away?
Things that really don’t fit — either too big or too snug.
Things that I hate and that depress me to wear even if they fit and were good bargains.
Things that for one reason or another I just don’t ever wear. Someone else can get better use of them.
Shoes that don’t get worn, bags that aren’t used but are still in good condition.

2. What needs to be ripped up for the rag pile or thrown out?
Stained tee-shirts.
Super ratty pajamas.
Holy hose.
Faded and shrunken work-out clothing.
Socks that fall down around my ankles.
Black cotton shirts that are fading in weird patchy blotches.
Anything with an infinitesimal bleach or grease stain on it. You know someone with eagle eyes will spot that sucker.
Blouses with hopelessly frayed button holes.

3. What needs to be saved for the church fair?
Pretty jewelry that someone else might like but that I never wear for one reason or another.
Purses and totes.

4. What needs to be weeded out for the “I love this garment but I need to lose 10 lbs. before wearing it again” section of the guest bedroom closet? There are always a few items!

5. Do I feel good about my wardrobe staples? Does anything need to be replenished, repaired or cleaned?These include:

Black pants
Dark denim jeans
White blouse(s)

A store of blazers, including black, pin-striped, blue, and white (until mid-September or so, or whenever it stops being hot. Yes, you can wear white after Labor Day now but not with light florals or anything else summery. Wear it as a neutral and make it transitional).

A few blouses with “wow” factor to wear under blazers (interesting style, great colors/fabrics).
Cardigans. I just noticed that my favorite black cardy has a frayed collar. It gets a ton of wear; I need to replace it.
A good selection of tee-shirts in long, short sleeves and sleeveless. Some dressy. Most very tailored in spandex/cotton blend. White, black, bright pink, baby pink, and aqua (transitional under blazers before I bring out the autumnal blouses).
Black mid-length skirt.
Brown mid-length skirt.
Favorite church skirts (on which I need to fix a few hook-and-eye closures).
Boots, both with heels and flats.
Black pumps - mid-heel and high heel.
Brown pumps.
Belts and necklaces and a few pieces with “freshness” factor (ie, in style this season).
A good bag.
Properly fitted undergarments including a waist-cincher for formal events when it’s important to have excellent posture and smooth lines (I didn’t say slim lines, I said smooth lines. As in, not jiggling.)

One pair of shoes that I can look at when I have no idea what to wear and say, “Let’s start with these fabulous shoes that will give me the inspiration to get out there and be present to this day.”
Because, I mean, sometimes you can pray and exercise and have a healthy breakfast and feel very ready to do the Lord’s bidding but you just don’t know WHAT to wear. And when that happens, you’ve got that one pair of shoes that says to you, “Baby, you wear me and I promise that together we can totally bring about the Kingdom of Heaven.” You start with the shoes, the rest of the outfit falls into place.

Time to stock the office drawer with wintergreen Life Savers, tissues, lip gloss and hand sanitizer.

Time to send any broken jewelry to get repaired, and to put new batteries in the watch (also to check the batteries in the smoke detectors in the house).

Time to eyeball the scarf/gloves/winter coat situation to make sure I’m ready in case the cold hits early.

The key here, possums, is that you don’t want to be surprised some Sunday afternoon realizing you have an ordination to attend and not one pair of decent shoes or one elegant-enough headband that will carry you through that awkward growing-out-your-bangs stage. Please, my darlings, don’t do what I saw one young minister do and plunk your hair on the top of your head with a cheap plastic clip. Aieee! With a formal velvet-trimmed pulpit robe, no less!

And hey, there’s nothing wrong or vain about taking polaroid or digital snaps of a few tried-and-true outfits –everything from shoes to earrings– and keeping them in the closet. When you get as busy as we do, that resource can be a real time-saver. You can put together six great Sunday morning outfits, two great special event outfits, and three or four “what to wear to the office today?” outfits. Why not? I think I may try it myself this year. I’ll let you know how it goes.

And don’t forget to shine up yer shoes, kids.

Welcome, NIGHTLINE Visitors!

Nightline Appearance 2007 004
Originally uploaded by Peacebang.

Welcome to PeaceBang’s Beauty Tips For Ministers!

As you can see, this is not a swanky blog with lots of hip graphics and brilliant organizational concept. This blog was started about a year ago by a minister for other ministers, to address the problem of our so often failing to communicate our inner vibrancy through our exterior appearance. Or as I put it, “the de-frumpification of the American clergy.”

I, your humble correspondent, am a lady of the cloth, not of the internet. I wouldn’t know an HTML code if it walked up and bit me on the nose. It is for this reason that I am particularly thrilled that a generous reader of this blog is going to re-design it soon so that it will be a lot more user-friendly and organized. Look for our freshly snazzed-up appearance somewhere around Easter, just when ministers are most in need of some snazz in our lives, wouldn’t you say?

Beauty Tips for Ministers is a on-line community of clergy– and includes some non-clergy readers who either just want either a good laugh or seek about how to dress professionally in a “casual Friday” world. We have readers from six different countries that I know of, and I conduct an enthusiastic private consultation with any minister who sends me an e-mail asking for advice. (Contrary to what was suggested on “Nightline,” no one in my congregation asks me for fashion advice!! In the interest of full disclosure, however, I should reveal that we do occasionally discuss shoes at meetings and I did once receive a fabulous red lipstick as a Christmas gift from a parishioner.)

I am not paid by anyone for anything that I write, so if you were wondering if CoverGirl is slipping me a check for every time that I sing the praises of their Outlast All-Day Lipcolor in Blush Pearl, the answer is “No, but if anyone from CoverGirl is listening, wouldn’t I be totally cute in a commercial?”

Scroll away, friends new and old. In these postings you will find heated arguments about shoes (no flip-flops! EVER!), rapturous recounting of the virtues of the Simple White Blouse, stern admonitions to gentlemen to Use Thy Norelco Nose Hair Trimmer, explanations of exfoliation, discussions on what to wear for a day that includes a funeral, a legislative session, a home visit, and a pizza party with the youth group, and general encouragement to all clergy to shine like the illuminating presence they were called to be– however charismatic or gentle, prayerful or prophetic, old, young, gay, straight, feminine or masculine, fat, thin, tall, short, bald or lushly-maned they happen to be.

As Pierre Teilhard de Chardin said, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience.” No matter how gloriously spiritual any of us may be, we meet people not through the radiance of our souls first, but through a simple human encounter in bodily form. And frankly, if we think that religious community is the greatest place to be in order to get the deepest, most transformational experience of life, we should project that through the part of us that actually gets out of bed in the morning.

That is the gospel according to PeaceBang.

Simply put, I am the self-appointed Stage Mother to all ministers, and I want all my babies to be stars.

If you’re interested in reading my sermons as the Reverend Victoria Weinstein, stop by our church website at www.firstparishnorwell.org. My writing as PeaceBang and my parish ministry with First Parish Unitarian Church in Norwell are distinct and separate from each other, but my congregation and I want to take this rare opportunity to invite you to share our ministry on Boston’s South Shore.

If you’re interested in the exciting, free faith tradition known as Unitarian Universalism, visit our Association’s web site at www.uua.org.

If you’re a publisher with a book deal, why yes, I’m definitely interested.

Thanks for stopping by. Enjoy Beauty Tips For Ministers, and may God bless your life with beauty, joy, health and peace.

Goodies from PB’s Archives

This is a great page from the Beauty Tips archives dealing with loads of make-up advice and product recommendations.
Enjoie!

http://beautytipsforministers.blogspot.com/2006_04_09_beautytipsforministers_archive.html

You Know You Want One

I’m not sure how I just designed this. I was thinking about my sermon and kicking around some sites and wham, before you know it…!

http://www.says-it.com/seal/