Beauty Tips for Ministers

“Mom Bombs,” Belts And Big Girls

December 27, 2009 on 10:55 pm | In Mutually Supportive Ranting, Pastoral Fashion Emergency, Or "PeaceBang, Help!", PeaceBang Halo Of Praise | 8 Comments

Lovely Reader K wrote in last week. She saith,

I hope you are well and ready for this weekend and the next!

I’ve wanted to write to you for a long time, so here we go!

Here’s the background: I’ve just begun the transition into pulpit ministry at my home church. I’m 42 and I’ve been a member since I was 7. (Yes, this is crazy. All of my clergy friends have told me so, and I’ve encountered lots of challenges. But I digress… That’s a separate email!) It’s been over 20 years since my church has had a woman associate minister, so I know I’m setting a tone. No pressure, right?

Here’s the situation: I am a big girl. I’m 5′11″ and my size ranges from 16-20. I love pants and I’m not a fan of jackets. I love long sweater cardigans and tops. My pastor and I don’t robe up every Sunday, but every now and then I direct the choir, and I need to make sure my glory is always covered. This summer/fall I discovered that some of those cute knee-length and above-the-knee dresses that are all over the place will work as tunic length tops for me. The cut has to be right, but I’ve found a couple that will work. (I have a pic of one.)

This weekend I was out shopping with my mother looking for a belt to wear with a cute Vera Wang dress she bought at Kohls. My mother told me in a way that only a mother can that I had gained a lot of weight lately and maybe I shouldn’t wear a belt with it. She suggested I wear something around my neck that would draw attention away from my waist. Sigh. After she saw the look on my face (keep blinking back those tears), she started trying to help me find a belt. It was too late. I ended up a couple of funky, long necklaces and wore them instead. It looked ok, but it’s not what I had envisioned.

So, do I have to wait until I’m a size 12 to wear a belt around my waist? Should I then toss out the (faux) wrap dresses in my closet? I don’t have a well-defined waist, so maybe I should avoid trying to define. ??? Do I ban my mother from shopping trips? Haha

If it helps, I have a couple of photos.

Thanks for everything you do.

I wrote back thusly,

Hi dear!
Well, belts can be tough. They really do work wonderfully to create a waist for those who don’t have much of one, but if we’re super lumpy, a smoothing undergarment helps a belt do its job.
It depends on what kind of big girl you are. If you’re tall and heavy and basically not a series of meatballs lumped on top of each other, as I am, I think wrap dresses and belts sound smashing. Why the heck not?

I think keeping the line of the clothes long and fluid (with cardies, etc.) is great for elongating the shape and creating an elegant look. Sometimes, seriously, a big necklace around the neck can chop up the body and make us look chunkier. So there, Mom! Strategizing the length of the necklace is important to avoid that.

Why don’t you send photos? Although my immediate sense is that you know exactly what you’re doing and just suffered the insecurity that any of us would feel after a Mom Bomb.

So K sent me these photos:

Vera Wang at Kohl’s. I seriously LOVE this. I actually love the long necklaces and prefer them to a belt. They’re very chic and the combo looks super comfy as well. Bonus!

Shoes by Sofft. What a wonderful color shoe for any pastor’s wardrobe. Goes with navy, black, grey, ivory, brown… great investment, because Sofft shoes are not cheap.

I love this tunic look — she’s shaped it wonderfully, it’s a terrific print for her, and the pants are just right. Hair, make-up, big smile… it all works to great effect. Brava!

After getting a gander at these photos, I wrote back to K,

I totally love these looks! This is the kind of thing I’m talking about — just bringing some pizzazz and creativity to our clothing. I LOVE the dresses and pants thing, because you have got the proportions exactly right: nothing is too big or too small, the belt is a great width for you (if you did a thin belt with that outfit it would be too bitsy with the bold colors, although I think you could do a thin belt with a more traditional sweater set combo. Sure, something at the neck would have been a nice touch with the orange dress but since it’s a fun print, you’re certainly not drab without it.
LOVE the purple shoes — we’ve got to get those online.
As far as the unintentionally hurtful mother thing, who can’t relate to that!!?So I encourage you to take mom on shoe shopping expeditions and jewelry/accessory/bag expeditions and invite a supportive friend to do the clothes shopping with. Seriously. Those throwaway “I’m just trying to help” comments can be so loaded with ancestral, internalized misogyny that we have to treat them as major emotional dangers. I look at you and I’m like, DAMN, WHAT A BABE! And a babe who knows how to dress.

Right?