Beauty Tips for Ministers

Inappropriately Dressed Director of Religious Education

December 27, 2009 on 11:07 pm | In Fighting Frump, Pastoral Fashion Emergency, Or "PeaceBang, Help!" | 16 Comments

Uh-oh. This ain’t good. PeaceBang recently received this cry for help via her FaceBook page:

How can a parishioner gently tell a new DRE that her clothing is inappropriate? Last Sunday at the Christmas pageant the minister wore a robe and lovely crimson stole; the choirs were all in robes; the Joseph, Mary, Shepherds and Angels looked fabulous; and the DRE had a pale [color deleted to protect the innocent] shirt tail hanging out under a shapeless [color deleted until writer enters Witness Protection Program] pull-over jacket thing over black pants. She was the *only* person not dressed for the occasion, and I suspect she may try to pull the same outfit off on Christmas Eve.

She’s [middle-aged and I have reason to believe that she] comes from the “clothes are so bourgeois” school of fashion rejection. I *like* her, but I wish she’d honor our traditions. How can I help her understand that she looks like she doesn’t care about the pageant?

KIDS, DID YOU HEAR THAT? That part about SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE DOESN’T CARE? That’s what PeaceBang has been yammering on about for lo these past years or so. Harken! Harken up!

Cringing with bummerdom, I responded by saying,

Ohhhh boy, that’s a tough one. But if you have the courage to tell her directly, I would. I would just pull her aside, gently and kindly say right to her face exactly what you said to me, pat her on the arm, and beat it the hell out of there. It’s not a discussion, it’s an important piece of information for her to have. “You look like you don’t care” should prompt her to get her act together. If she doesn’t, I would talk to the minister (assuming that the minister is the DRE’s supervisor). Tell the minister that the DRE needs guidance in dressing more appropriately for special occasions (which would include all Sundays in my not-so humble opinion).

There’s no easy way to say, “That skirt is really cute but it’s just too short for church” to an intern or “You have a piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe” to a music director. But sometimes it has to be done. I take the cue from my parishioners who have collared me on my way into the sanctuary on Sunday mornings to whisper things like, “I knew you’d want to know that your skirt is stuck in the waist of your pantyhose” or “Come here, you have something stuck in your teeth, go check before you go out there.” It’s not personal, it doesn’t mean you’re not loved. It’s important information. Treat it lightly, say what you need to say, and remember that feedback given in a straightforward and respectful manner is never humiliating. A bit of humor couldn’t hurt, either, if you have a good enough rapport to fit it in gracefully.

Good luck, writer!

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1. I think the DRE’s supervisor needs to talk.

   Comment by Bill Baar — December 28, 2009 #

2. I think a parishioner telling a DRE “you look like you don’t care” is unnecessarily hostile. Even if done with a friendly tone and a pat on the arm, a Parisioner Bomb is no kinder than a Mom Bomb. It would probably be taken as a personal attack and depending on the DRE’s personality, either studiously ignored/rebelled against, or else internalized as self-doubt and why-does-this-parishioner-hate-me.

   To be clear, I agree with the idea that clothes matter, that the impression they give is worth thinking about. But those norms differ from region to region and congregation to congregation.

   Especially because the DRE is new, and may have come from a congregation where “clothes are so bourgeois” was the norm, and where a pull-over jacket thing over black pants was considered dressy, why not start with some clear but gentle education as to how things are done in this congregation? And not from a parishioner, from a supervisor. Along the lines of “In our congregation, for our [Christmas/Sunday] services, we wear [robes/coordinated suits/dresses with tights or pantyhose].” Clarify expectations before asserting that she’s not meeting them.

   Comment by Eve — December 28, 2009 #

3. Were expectations for dress given to this new employee before the pageant? If not, she may well have been very unhappy to be out of the loop.

   How is the work that the DRE is doing? Is she meeting and/or exceeding expectations? That IS the most important factor here! Yes appearance matters, but one person dressing more casually than the rest is not going to bring the end of civilization.

   [Do we really need to give expectations for how to dress decently for a Christmas service? I don't think so. I think she was dressed sloppily because she didn't give the matter any thought. As far as the DRE's work, of course it's more important but we're here to talk about professional image. Girl, you know that! On THIS blog, appearance is the big deal. - PB]

   Comment by Carol — December 28, 2009 #

4. I agree with Eve that the expectations must be CLEARLY stated before she can be told that she did not meet them. Those expectations must come from her supervisor and not a congregant. As a seminarian doing field work, I have found that clergy (particularly male clergy) just assume the ‘everyone knows that we….’ Perhaps that was the problem in this situation. [I see the wisdom in the supervisor giving the feedback, but I don't know that you can clearly state expectations for dressing decently without getting into ridiculous amounts of detail if someone responds defensively, eg, "So you're saying that pants are okay but pull-over fleece tops are not? What if I wear a fleece pullover with a skirt?" I don't think spoon-feeding dress guidelines makes sense. What does make sense is for her supervisor to say something about the fact that Sundays and special services are special events in the life of the church, and could she please consider that in her choice of clothing. I would tell her that a parishioner had brought it to her attention that her Christmas Eve outfit was informal enough to be distracting and to send a message that "I'm sure" (the supervisor being the "I") the DRE doesn't want to communicate. - PB]

   Comment by Teri — December 28, 2009 #

5. When I was a wee intern, 7, count ‘em 7, ladies from the women’s alliance came up to me after worship individually and said, “You know, dear, when you crossed your legs in that dress we could see…” My supervisor was up there with me and would not have had that, er, perspective. And he was not someone they would have shared this information with, nor would he have been terrific at telling me. It was my very first time up in the big chairs on the raised platform, and I was eternally grateful no one let this particular show continue to the second time. Well, MORTIFIED and eternally grateful…

   Then there was the Sunday I preached with a sore throat, and I wish someone had spoken up. I lodged a lozenge in my cheek during the service, deftly replacing it once or twice to keep my throat moist. I think a public speaker had given me that tip. It helped me get through quite well. Alas, no one mentioned that it should be a CLEAR lozenge and not a green one. I ducked into the ladies’ room after shaking hands with hundreds of people to see two green trails of drool heading toward my chin.

   Comment by Rev Gidget — December 29, 2009 #

6. As a staff minister I would VASTLY prefer individuals to address their concerns regarding me with me directly before involving the senior pastor. I hope this would be done gently and discretely, but by all means give me a chance to improve first.

   Comment by Melissa — December 29, 2009 #

7. I’m wondering… was the DRE sitting on the bima / in the chancel with the pastor, or was she up and down, on her knees helping with costumes, coaxing little ones into line, comforting children whose halos slipped or who couldn’t see their mommies or who thought their mommies couldn’t see them? Slacks and shoes designed for crawling on the floor in case gold, frankincense, or myrrh had to be retrieved from under a pew? She may not have expected herself to be visible or noticed, when surrounded by angels, sheep, and camels.

   I have had a hard time figuring out the shirt tail rules. (Age warning: I’m 56.) I was shocked, shocked I tell you, the first time I saw a shirt that was visible below the edge of a jacket. Why wasn’t it tucked in? Or if I saw a shirt worn outside the slacks when the shirt tail was curved, rather than cut straight across – to me a clear sign that the shirt should have been tucked in. Proving myself a hypocrite, I have more recently tried these styles myself.

   Shapeless, pullover jacket – may have been intended to camouflage scotch tape, safety pins, tissues, and cue cards tucked into inside pockets. Yes, it was an important occasion. Yes, everyone dressed for the occasion. But for the DRE this was (I presume) a working occasion, and I imagine she dressed for the tasks she expected to perform.

   If I were the writer, I’d want to check in with the DRE, and see if she needs more help with the Christmas pageant.

   Comment by Allison — December 29, 2009 #

8. I am humbled by the compassionate responses of Eve and Allison. I love that they gave the DRE the benefit of the doubt and assumed that her heart was in the right place.

   “Surrounded by angels, sheep and camels.” May we all have a new year in such company.

   Comment by Louise — December 30, 2009 #

9. I still remember the first time we attended the Christmas Eve pageant service at our current church. I was a bit embarrassed to find out I was under dressed. I had no idea it was a dressy event. Its pretty ridiculous to assume that she should have known her first time what the norms were if she hadn’t been informed. Things are different in every church. The parishioner said, “I wish she’d honor our traditions.” If its her first Christmas how is she supposed to be aware of the traditions?

   I also wonder why the head minster, if he or she was wearing a robe, didn’t say “hey, RE director, we’re all vesting.” That’s a really easy way to deal with a worship leader in inappropriate dress without embarrassing her in a situation where she can’t really go home and change. I wish the parishioner would just give the DRE the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming all sorts of motives. [It's not the DRE's first Christmas. Not even close. - PB]

   Comment by indie — December 30, 2009 #

10. Call me crazy, but I think this is extreme. I’m all for looking our best, but this string of comments feels VERY pompous to me. Perhaps the expectation of “we all dress a certain way for Christmas services” is a little bit ridiculous. If she’s doing a good job and the kids are growing spiritually, who cares if she’s not wearing a suit with a shirt that matches the choir robes or whatever? [Who suggested that anything like that was necessary? You're jumping way off into assumptions. - PB] If she’s like most DREs I know, she probably doesn’t make enough money to go out and buy a special outfit just for the Christmas pageant. [Again, who suggested such a thing? I find this extreme defensiveness very bizarre. - PB]

    I work in a church where people use the words “honor our traditions” quite often, and what they really mean is “I wish you were a carbon copy of the last person that had your job” or “if you would work harder to be exactly like us and not challenge us to push past our prejudices we would like you a lot more.” [I'm sorry that you've been hurt in this way, but this is an extremely progressive religious setting where that term is not nearly as loaded. I'd prefer that we focused on appropriate attire and the issue of informing someone that they look sloppy than our assumptions about the emotional maturity of the question-asker. - PB]

    [I think it's interesting how offended some of my readers get over a parishioner daring to say "That's just sloppy and it's not okay." They want to blame the person who dared to observe sloppiness, they want to nitpick over how long the DRE has been there (or doing DRE work), they want to defend the church employee who obviously isn't even close to looking appropriately dressed for a holiday, and they want to make assumptions that this church-goer is change-resistant or hostile or malicious. I understand that some readers have suffered meanness at the hands of critical congregants, but I also know that sloppiness is rampant in the letter-writer's tradition and in church life in general. I'm always amazed at our collective ability to go into a complicated, accusatory spin-out over a simple critical remark about appearance. That defensiveness simply does not serve us well, nor is it productive to engage in armchair analysis of the parishioner who dares to request that the church staff look put together for the holiday. It's not at all an unreasonable request: it does not imply the directive to buy new clothes, to matchy-matchy with the choir or clergy, or anything else. It simply asks, "Could you please consider the occasion and tuck your shirt in?" The person who says, "If the DRE is doing a good job, what does it matter?" is participating in a mentality with which I vigorously disagree. I am always disappointed by the way so many of us feel called to make elaborate protestations and excuses for why an intelligent, capable professional can't look less sloppy. I hope we will think about what we are really doing for the Church when we fuss so about this. And so the work goes on! - PB]

    Comment by Elizabeth — December 31, 2009 #

11. Can I ask why this is particularly different from any other ’special work event’, where, even if your ‘everyday work’ dress is pull-on trousers and a fleece top, you would do up a bit because you’ll be on public view?

    I’m not saying you have to go out and buy a new outfit, but every professional woman’s wardrobe should include a skirt or dress outfit that doesn’t show anything untoward, and look like you’re honoring the fact that this is NOT what you do every day.

    Christmas pageant, for the DRE, fits into that.

    We do Saturday schools for our ministers-in-training. I usually wear jeans, casual shoes, and a good sweater or casual blazer. In November, our day school coincided with the farewell service for a bishop’s retirement. We were ending early to attend. I did NOT wear what I usually wear for Saturday school, but a good skirt, dressy shoes, and a velvet blazer. Why? Because it was a SPECIAL occasion.

    My rule of thumb–if it’s an activity that happens less than once every other month, it deserves an effort to mark it out as not a routine event.

    Now, how often does Christmas pageant happen?

    Comment by Wendy in England — December 31, 2009 #

12. [It's not the DRE's first Christmas. Not even close. - PB]

    Then why does the original message call her the “new” DRE? If its not her first Christmas then the fact that the parishioner is still calling her new gives us a big clue about where the problem lies. Sounds like a parishioner who just wants things to stay “perfect” like (non-existent) good ole days.

    And I agree with Elizabeth about the true meaning of “honor our traditions”. Sounds like the kind of things the disapproving religious leaders said to Jesus.

    This whole thing seems really mean spirited to me. Pointing out to someone that their hair is messed up or they have something on their face is kind. Saying to someone “you look like you don’t care” is unnecessarily unkind.

    Comment by indie — January 1, 2010 #

13. Perhaps it doesn’t need to be phrased as ‘you look like you don’t care’, but the message that the Christmas pageant is a special occasion and the DRE stood out in a not-good way is one that should be conveyed.

    If the DRE is on paid staff, it’s important that she know what the expectations are–including how that paid staff presents itself to the public. Especially at Christmastime, when you’ve got the potential for a lot of people who have been long-time de-churched and may be considering returning. Take one for the team, and spruce up.

    And I don’t agree that the ‘honour our traditions’ is always meant as ‘don’t change and don’t challenge.’ I work in a denomination (Church of England) with a wide range of theological perspectives and liturgical styles/degrees of formality, and the one thing that both casual observation, formal study, and two years of practical theology field research tells me is that if the match between staff and congregation is good, the traditions can be honoured AND the congregation can be challenged to grow and change.

    In fact, if there is too much of a mismatch, the congregation and staff spend too much time struggling for power, and it becomes a battle of wills and personalities. And what’s really important goes by the wayside–God’s work doesn’t get done.

    Comment by Wendy in England — January 1, 2010 #

14. Allison makes a good point about how much of the DRE’s job gets performed on bended knee. but that doesn’t excuse not dressing for the occasion. when i was in that position, i had numerous wool pants and long skirts for modesty, and a good dry cleaner. turtlenecks and mock turtles fron landsend and llbean look pretty formal but feel like teeshirts; they also cut the dry cleaner bill and don’t need to be tucked in. jacketwise, i have had my best luck with either inheritances or thrift shops. but there are good ones to be had if you’re willing to shop and/or spend — and possibly alter for fit. not necessary more than twice a decade, if you stick to classics.

    there is a lot to be said for a trusty canvas bag, containing a pair of jeans and easier shoes; likewise a tiny garment bag for the good stuff you’ll be using for the big hour. one of the major gaps in the dre job is between the public “everything in readiness” mode and clean-up. the congregation may dress for it when there’s work to be done, but staff stand up in front to witness the eternal in which such transience lives and moves and has its being.

    this applies to more than christmas eve. when i do a summer wedding in one of vermont’s beautuful, but sometimes surprisingly humid, state parks, i bring lighter-weight clothes to change into for the reception. twenty minutes of direct sun can soak even a silk suit on a skinny vegetarian.

    Comment by elz — January 3, 2010 #

15. In a wide variety of jobs (church and non-church), there are times to dress down for practicality, and times when you need just a bit more.

    Example: my brother is a chemical engineer, at the research/development level. He spends a lot of time out on factory floors, doing test runs and literally having to put his hands into the goo to see if the process he’s designed works. Not the time to wear your Brooks Brothers suit–or even a tie or your wedding ring. On the other hand, when he’s involved in negotiations for a new project, and has to make a presentation to one of his company’s clients or prospects, he’s got a jacket, shirt and tie on the back of his office door ready to go at a moment’s notice.

    Elz’s suggestion about the kit of stuff for those moments that require a bit more is a good one.

    Comment by Wendy in England — January 3, 2010 #

16. This has been a fascinating thread to follow. I think we can all assume that no one would be reading or commenting on BTFM if we didn’t agree that the Lord is to be worshipped in the beauty of holiness.

    Many of the questions and complaints that PB adresses here are very explicit about the event, the individual’s role in the event, the clothing, hair, and makeup choices, and the alleged BTFM infraction.

    In this case, though, I haven’t been able to form a mental image of the DRE’s appearance or her role in the pageant. She could have been entirely behind-the-scenes, narrating the pageant’s script, sitting next to the pastor, introducing the participants, or behind-the-scenes but holding court at the reception/coffee/tea/pot luck afterwards. I think it’s possible that the comments – even PB’s august responses – are so varied because each of us has a very different impression of just what was going on.

    Even more – in my parish, the Christmas pageant is a fun family event, but it is by no means the main Christmas service. It’s held either on a Sunday afternoon before Christmas or during the morning service on a Sunday before Christmas. If it’s in the afternoon, as a separate occasion, the rector wears his collar, but doesn’t sit in the chancel (aka The Stage) or wear his vestments. If it’s held during the morning service, it either replaces the sermon or occurs during the Scripture readings, as an illustration of them. Yes, it’s a big deal for the kids and their families, but it is not a special dress occasion for those who aren’t in costume.

    The main Christmas services, at which everyone dresses very well indeed, are the Christmas Eve services. (See my description of one of them on my blog – I was ushering.)

    Elz’s suggestion sounds like the most workable one to me. In any event, by next year, the DRE will have adjusted her own assumptions to match the expectations of her new congregation, and all will be well.

    But I still think the writer should ask the DRE if she needs help with the pageant. Because DRE’s always need help with the pageant.

    Comment by Allison — January 4, 2010 #

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