Aloha, chickadees.
I’m still here in Texas, having a grand time with some truly grand people. Photo uploads are a bit challenging since I don’t have wireless access from where I’m staying for my tiny little Acer computer (which is where I am downloading and storing my photos), but I do hope to share with you some great clergy photos soon from a spectacular MLK event I attended tonight. Piskie Priest Lady was wearing a HUGE cocktail ring and I was thrilled!! When I asked if I could take her photo because I wanted to feature her bling-and-vestments look on here she blushed and laughed and said, “I’ve got to be myself.” That’s right, ma’am, you do, and yourself looks beautiful and elegant as hell.
Until we get those photos up here, let me say that some darling person wrote in a few weeks ago to ask what we wear when we get that 3AM call and need to zoom out of the house and to the hospital, the State Police barracks, the private home, or wherever it is we’re being called to minister to those in crisis.
First let me just say that if it’s 3 AM, it had BETTER be a crisis. If it’s not, you be firm about your boundaries, make an appointment for the morning and get back to sleep, pronto. It’s up to you to decide what constitutes a middle-of-the-night crisis. I’ve known folks to say, “What!? A DOG died and they’re calling me in tears? PUH-leeze!” My feeling is that I might not get out at that hour over a dead dog, but you bet I’d stay on the phone for awhile and help that person figure out what to do next. And if my next day was a light one, I might just climb out of bed and help them dig a grave. Who knows? This is just to say that we all have our boundaries, but we need to be clear, consistent and fair about them. Fair to our people, fair to ourselves, and fair to those who need us to be able to function the next day. Don’t be a martyr, now. I’ve known some Martyr Ministers, and they’re not a life-giving people.
Regarding the question of what to wear at this kind of middle of the night crisis, let’s just say: Keep it neat, keep it simple and keep it comfortable. First things first: go wash your face quick and brush your teeth. Apply some lip balm (guys) or lipstick (gals) if you look like hell on a cracker. I would definitely throw some cream blush on the apples of my cheeks. It doesn’t take but a second to apply and my feeling is that if I show up looking like a corpse, I just don’t project “Awake! Competent! Here For You!” What I project is “Half-Asleep! Dead On My Feet! Can’t Do Much For Ya!”
Go get dressed. When called out in the wee hours, I have usually worn a black sweater with a white collared blouse under it, black pants, a large silver cross, a pair of very small silver hoop earrings and a warm scarf around my neck. Nice boots. I feel that this outfit can carry me through several kinds of settings: if I’m doing a death notification for the State Police, I don’t wear the scarf and I pull out the cross around my neck so that it’s visible. If I’m going to be at the kitchen table with someone waiting for the undertaker to show up, the scarf is cozy and the boots help me feel grounded. I can go to the morgue in this outfit and feel sufficiently neat and respectful to accompany someone who has to identify a body. If it’s winter I top everything with a black coat and black or dark hat and gloves. This isn’t the time to sport your cute new leopard-print winter scarf. Black works. Black, blue or brown. Keep it dark: not to be depressing, but to be neat and respectful. Bright colors can actually be jarring to those in crisis.
If it’s the summer time, I wear a pair of black trousers (light, but still structured and neat) and a dark cotton blouse. I have a short-sleeved black cotton jacket with a seam at the waist that I keep ironed and tucked away so I don’t need to scramble for the iron if I need it. I preserve it just for clergy emergencies and wear it with a dark camisole underneath. I suggest that you prepare an emergency top for yourself as well (if you’re not a clericals-wearer).
In case you were wondering, it does not show that you are more professionally available or pastorally loving if you show up in a half pajamas-half street clothes combo. What that communicates, in fact, is that you’re just as much a scattered mess as the person in crisis. Get your act together before you head out the door. Take slow, deep breaths. Check for your watch, phone, breath mints, Bible and a hankie, plus whatever other elements you may need to perform a necessary ritual (I keep a small vial of water for anointings at the time of death in a basket by my door). Leave a coherent, legible note for your family. Pop a Luna bar or a Power Bar into your bag — you may be gone for awhile. Make sure you have some cash in your wallet (ALWAYS keep some cash in the house for just this sort of thing — and don’t let anyone else in the family know where your small stash is).
Dear people, please promise me that you will never get behind the wheel of the car until you feel fully awake, clear-headed and able to responsibly operate a motor vehicle. Do not speed no matter WHAT.
Be prepared, sweeties, and may God preserve us all from many of these calls.
When my father died at home on December 30th, in the wee hours as is often the case, we called the hospice nurse, who in turn called two people from the funeral service. The hospice nurse was there in 15 minutes, and the funeral home people gave us some time but came before dawn. They all knew how to do their “on call” work and I appreciated that the hour made no difference in the way they conducted their important functions, fully alert, no comment about rolling out of bed. It was OK for us to be in our pajamas, but I definitely expected them to be “together.” I have rarely been called from my sleep to actually show up for parishioners, but I know that when people need the helping hands of others, the need comes round the clock.
Excellent, excellent advice, PB. Thank you. And Diane, yes, yes.
Great post, PB. Thanks.
Something my husband notes as he leaves for such calls is that if your denomination features clergy shirts and collars this is the time to don one if you’re having to gain access to restricted areas in police or hospital settings. I assume this is why PB mentions having a cross visible.
I must admit I don’t see him apply lip balm, pocketing energy bars or donning specially planned outfits for these moments. He’s more interested in being the person those who have called him feel familiar with. At 3am his blue jeans and shirt choices aren’t high on their list of problematic issues. [Of course, if your husband was a diabetic or lived in northern New England, the comfort of knowing that his lips wouldn’t be cracked and bleeding during his visit and that he wouldn’t faint from low blood sugar might help him feel prepared. But thanks for using him to contribute a little holier-than-thou slam. Tsk, tsk. – PB]
Ms.Bony Wrists
(((He’s more interested in being the person those who have called him feel familiar with.)))
I’m pretty sure the Rev. Peacebang her parishoners are familiar with IS pretty put together.
That’s kinda the point.
CC
Did he shave? Does he have a beard? Did he go with that shadow growing in? Just asking…
C
Absolutely bang-on advice, all of it. Including the visible symbols of clergy-dom for emergency moments. They reassure the other professionals who are also dealing with the emergency.
My current work as a historian doesn’t include these calls, despite the fact that CPE was probably one of the highlights of my human and professional life.
I did two tours, one in a Roman Catholic hospital and one with no current religious mission, despite a strong respect for the spirit as part of healing.
I came to realize that the clergy is there to represent God and embody prayer. For the medical professionals, as many times as they see death, they are worried about healing or comforting this individual. They know their role is science, but they also know that some kind of higher power will play a role in their success or failure.
My sister, who is a doctor, once asked why my seminary education was taking such a long time. My answer: “How many years of education and training did YOU have? And when you folks run out of answers, and can’t do anything more for the patient, who do you tell the person to call?”
I think women will still be held to slightly different standards about dress, degree of pulled-togetherness etc than men, and we probably have to work to push those boundaries gently rather than refusing to engage. It doesn’t make people trivial or less holy.
I’ve had roles where the phone rings in the small hours and I have to be compos mentis and talking technical terms in seconds, and it isn’t fun. I’m glad I don’t have to leave the house for those. When I’ve also had a regular wakeup time of five-something a.m. for my work commute I’ve always put out my suit and briefcase/backpack the night before – it’s common sense that I won’t be able to think straight about appropriate attire in the pitch black midwinter. If I ask myself what I want to wear at such times, the only answer I get is “duvet”!
When I did my CPE residency I had a great grey knit dress–long, sort of full, very comfy and grounding–that I wore when I did overnights (like three nights a week). it had a sort of vestment look and feel. I’d pull my hair back (I had hair to pull back at the time) brush my teeth, put blush and lipstick (and a little mascara) on and I was out the door in no time. I always had a prayer book, too–and now I’d add a collar to the mix. Shoes depended on the season but they always had toes and backs, and I generally wore tights or stockings (in the hospital it was policy and no one needs to see my toes in that moment).
an energy bar in the pocket and a cold wash cloth in the hand are always good things too (you all know this but every nurses station has a huge stash of wash cloths and a wet wash cloth really helps. If you know that someone hasn’t eaten all day they also have orange juice, and coffee for someone who has been up all night)
In CPE I was told not to “give people things” but I really disagree with this. When someone is facing a tragedy, and hope is only a horizion, all we have to give them is ourselves (and of course our own faith) our tradition, and a cup of coffee or a cold cloth.
Sadly, I have gotten these calls. Depending on the nature of the call will shape on what I wear. If the call is that someone is immanently(sp) dying, and 5 minutes will make a difference, then I usually put on jeans, a decent shirt or cute sweater set, nice flats, put my hair in a pony tail and grab my make up bag. I put on some powder, mascara and lipstuff at red lights ( don’t tell). If the call is not as urgent, I take more time and put on regular workday attire. My hair is usually hopeless, so I just do the best I can.
To me, the important thing is to be able to figure out through sleep induced haze the reality of what is happening on the other end of the phon, so you can make the important choice about how to be appropriately present.