Beauty Tips for Ministers

Gorgeous Braids

Speaking of braids, ’cause we just were, isn’t THIS a gorgeous hairdo? I love it. The braids are done down low, which looks classically medieval to me somehow. I love the photo. I love the hoop earrings. I love the gown. This is elegance, people. I have a feeling you won’t see flip-flops on Elizabeth, here:

Hotter Than Hades

Good Lord, it’s going to be 95 degrees tomorrow. We have no a/c in our 1830 meetinghouse, of course. And an annual meeting tomorrow night in the UNair-conditioned parish hall. Now that ought to be a kick. I’d better get to BJ’s Wholesale and purchase a huge vat of bottled water. Wait, no. That’s environmentally incorrect. Maybe huge pitchers of iced water with big paper cups?

I wonder if anyone will come to church, first of all.

Second of all, I’d better heed my own advice.

This doesn’t give me an excuse to go to church with wet hair, but I’m sorely tempted, as it will be soaking wet by the end of the service anyway. Does anyone have any favorite “wet-look” hair products? Maybe I’ll slick it back in a ponytail and let it dry with some serious gel. I just don’t want to wind up dripping gooey product down my neck and back. Tips, anyone? Anyone?

Bueller?

Staying Away From Braids and Manic Panic

Well, the economy is officially in the tanker, it takes $43 to fill up my car, the dog had $400 in vet bills last month and my new man is eating me out of house and home. All of which is to say that I no longer purchase beauty magazines but I do try to spend quality time with them at the supermarket check-out so that I can give you, my darling readers, the LATEST. Well, the LATEST is that Glamour or Allure fashion editors apparently think that little 1980’s style braids are back in fashion.

Here’s former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell wearing one (and a blindingly ugly frock, too, but who’s looking at the frock!!? Miss Halliwell is NOT the modest type, pigeons!)

I’m not sure about this braid business. For one thing, it’s just too hippie-dippie, and unless you’re officiating at some Age of Aquarius ritual, I wouldn’t go there. Look how silly it looks on Gerri, with her bombshell dress and silly Marilyn Monroe white fox throw. She’d have done much better with a flowy Missoni boho dress; the gypsy hair would have gone quite well with that. There’s also the uncomfortable possibility that, if you don’t make that braid thin enough, someone might start calling you Heidi and ask you to milk the goats. Or start humming the Swiss Miss theme, if there is one.

I would avoid this look. If you’ve been wearing a braid this way, try a gentle twist fastened on the bottom with a tiny elastic. Far more adult and still adds some interesting texture.

And while we’re on the subject of misbegotten hair trends: please, Goddess, PLEASE… NO PINK, PURPLE, ORANGE OR BLUE swatches of hair. That is SO over. It was so over in 1997, they heyday of Manic Panic. Furthermore, you’re the minister now. You don’t need attention that badly.

No Bare Shoulders

Ladies,
No matter how hot it gets, it is not appropriate to wear spaghetti strapped garments to church or to any ministerial function. Save the strappy sundresses for your vacation or your friend’s wedding at which you are a guest, not the officiant.

There’s a reason woman are asked to cover their shoulders at every cathedral in Europe; it’s called respect. Bare shoulders are way too informal to be part of your on-duty clerical wardrobe. Spaghetti straps are the worst, but I am against anything sleeveless unless it’s a very steamy day and you’re at a picnic or out boating with your folks.

Guys, no Hawaiian shirts for you. I’m just making this up here, but let’s say it’s roughly the equivalent.

PeaceBang is making a very stern face about this and if you argue she will purse her lips disapprovingly at you.

Those Hot Preachers

‘Tis the season to get drenched with sweat under preaching robes, my doves, so listen up and Auntie PeaceBang will help you get through it.

If you can afford it, research vestment options in lightweight fabrics. Read the archives of this blog for suggestions. Have a talented friend sew something up for you. If you’re in the Free Church tradition and can be creative with vestments, by all means do be. I found a white duster at Lord & Taylor with a lapel and a bustline hook-and-eye closure on the sale rack about ten years ago and I LOVE that thing. It closes entirely over my street clothes, a stole rests beautifully on its lapels, and it weighs almost nothing.

Please do not throw vests or floaty hippie apparel on over your clothes and pretend that they’re appropriate as vestments. Anything standing in for a preaching robe should cover your street clothes entirely. Let’s not get cute with this. You’re either vested or you’re not. There is no such thing as a Preaching Shirt or Preaching Vest. Make a decision and make it work.

A cotton alb is a nice choice for an outdoor summer wedding or christening during the summer months. I have one with the traditional rope cincture that was inexpensive and which can be washed in the machine, praise the Lord. An alb is a distinctly pastoral garment — it is not a preaching garment, so don’t wear it if you’re not doing anything sacramental (for UUs, “fulfilling the priestly functions”).

When I preach in the summer I shower as close to the event as I can, dry off very thoroughly, whap corn starch-based baby powder all over my body with a huge puff, and wear
a 100% cotton slip under a dress (or pack it to change into later). I make sure to tuck a clean, ironed cotton hankie into my pocket for delicate moppings of facial perspiration (dab, don’t wipe). If you don’t have a pocket, tuck it into your wristwatch band or better yet, into the pocket of your folder.

I bring a towel and if need be, a hair dryer. I do not like attending receptions with soaking wet hair, which is always my condition following a summer preaching event in unair-conditioned sanctuaries. I like to change into fresh clothes, which is why the slip trick works so well.

A polyester slip will not do. Neither will a bikini, or even preaching in your underwear under a robe, which will cause rivulets of sweat to rush unimpeded down your poor, flushed body, making you extremely wet, pooling into your shoes, and ruining your robe. You might even get a rash. So please, be wise, a cotton strappy sundress, cotton briefs and a Hanes t-shirt — you want something to absorb the sweat of your labor.

P.S. Hide a quiet fan under the pulpit if you can get away with it. You can plug it into the sound system and no one need know.

Bad Red Hair

My dearly beloved,
Lord knows that PeaceBang loves her some violently red hair. I have never been one to promote the idea that our hair color need reflect anything found in Nature; after all, what is L’Oreal for if not to transcend the limitations of genetics?

As you can see here, I have had fiery red hair myself at times:

Whether you think that particular hue is flattering on me or not is not the point right now (although I’m happy to receive your criticism — it’s all in the past, and if you love it, maybe I’ll go back to it!). The point is that PeaceBang has been seeing some REALLY SCARY red hair out there on clergy lately, and she feels obligated to say something about it.

1. Although there is a wide variety of what constitutes “red hair,” your hair color should not approach faded pink or magenta. This tends to be an unfortunate trend on older heads, where I’m seeing a really unflattering combination of thin, fried out hair the color of canned peaches or dried out beets on too many pastors at a recent conference. If this is you, please see your colorist or get a friend to help you. And remember that deep conditioner is your friend.

2. Red hair requires careful application if it’s a home job. Again: get someone to help you! I saw at least four women at the Festival of Homiletics with aubergine-cast auburn hair with big black undergrowth patches at the back of their heads. I am pretty sure this wasn’t an intentional goth design but a testament to how difficult it is to get that color applied evenly. Make a party of it! Invite a pal over, have sangria, and color each other’s hair! Just take it easy on the sangria or you may, as PeaceBang once did, wind up with hair the shade of Ronald McDonald. Also: that purple-shaded red is really hard to carry off; especially for white women. Proceed with serious caution.

3. Henna is not better for your hair than chemical colorants, sweetpeas. In fact, it coats the hair shaft something terrible and can be very damaging. It’s also hell’s own work to correct if you screw up. Not to mention that it stinks so badly that you’ll want to avoid the entire human community for the first few days after coloring, and you don’t want to have to do that, do you?