Beauty Tips for Ministers

On the Subject of “Young and Hip”…

January 1, 2008 on 8:10 pm | In Fighting Frump, Tips For My Menfolk, Women's Clothing |

CULLAH! Isn’t that a terrific color!? Wouldn’t that just give you a lift? Imagine it with a pair of terrific black trousers and pointy pumps or flats. Voila. You walk into the nursing home in that top and I guarantee you’ll be a beam of sunshine. (I might wrap a sheer sage green or white scarf around my neck for the nursing home if the neckline dips as low as it looks like it might). You can go right from the nursing home to a staff meeting and then out to dinner (whip off the scarf first). For those who want to start taking a few little risks with their personal style, color is a great place to start. If this feels too loud for you, that’s fine. But how about a blouse the same color paired with a dark blazer? Tied together with a belt and a vibrant lip color? Step out. See how you feel.

More CULLAH! A far more modest cut, but it still has a fetching shape to it, and so snuggly! Again, pair it with a pair of terrific trousers and some boots with a heel. Pull your hair back and roll it in a messy chignon to give yourself a neck, add a pair of interesting dangly earrings and you’re so much fun! If you’re pale-complected, be sure to wear some blush so you don’t look washed out.

LINE! Pants is pants is pants, right?
No! Just because we can zip them and bend over without splitting the seat doesn’t mean that our pants are fitting us well. Please take the time at the store and the tailor and get it right (or as right as you can, and that means burning all elastic-waist pants in the new year).

Pants should have an elegant line that flatters your shape (gentlemen, you too! Pear-shaped fellas should make sure their trousers aren’t too short and/or in any way fitted or tapered around the ankle, and this includes jeans — and for our portlier gentlemen, please stop wearing your pants down around the, um, where the zipper should be. The waist of your trousers should sit at your WAIST. Find it, or have your tailor help you find it, and get your belt around it. This isn’t easy if you have a big gut, PeaceBang understands. And she sympathizes that you don’t have the option of wearing a skirt. But she has too often lived in fear that her heavy male colleagues might accidentally “drop trou” in the midst of pastoral duties and feels the need to say something about this sartorial challenge. Getting pants to fit both a large stomach and a typically flat masculine derriere is why we pay our tailors good money and treat them like gold. P.S. guys, layers can camouflage “figure flaws.” Like, if you need to wear your pants belted way under a beer belly, make sure your sports jacket fits well and can button in front. Wear a bold-colored tie to bring visual interest to your face and get a great hair-cut. Spiff up your spectacles, keep your facial hair impeccably groomed, and treat yourself to more hours at the gym. Take care of your dear selves).

PeaceBang has a horrible, horrible body shape for pants and shops for trousers with the grim determination of a prison matron searching her unfortunate charges for contraband: “I know ya got something in there! Give it up!”
Because of her lumpiness, PeaceBang’s pants never look good, nor do they ever fit quite right, but they fit as well as is humanly possible. Add some Seriously Constraining Undergarments and that’s as good as it gets for this meatball. My point, and I do have one, is that human bodies come in a wonderful variety of shapes and sizes and pants are therefore a notoriously difficult garment to fit well. It’s really worth it to search far and wide for a make and a cut that works for you, then remain loyal to it.

And as an added cultural commentary, PeaceBang has been simply HORRIFIED to see on-air personalities on the morning shows applauding make-overs featuring poor women whose pants seem to have eaten their feet!! Whence the sudden popularity of hems that drag on the ground? Whatever the source of this fashion faux pas, PeaceBang sternly decries it.

Skirts is skirts is skirts? Not so. Shapeless skirts are awful and aging on everyone. If you like long skirts, see how this one actually has a shape?? Pair it with a blouse or blazer with darts and you’re in business. A belted top would be even better; perhaps with a creative cascade of pendants or chains. Resist the temptation to pair it with a sweater that goes past your hips or you’ll look as though you’re drowning in fabric (especially if you’re a shortie). I saw a very petite gal at a seminary conference last year wearing a skirt of this length with a long thick sweater (and I mean long: it went well below mid-thigh). She also had a pageboy haircut worn with an Alice In Wonderland headband. The combined effect was that of a little girl home from school waiting for Mommy to give her milk and cookies. She could not have physically diminished herself and undermined her own authority more if she had worn a Little Bo-Peep costume. Don’t let this happen to you.

And how about this cutie? VERY much in fashion right now, a great color, and would be entirely appropriate for a pastor as long as she counters its youthful insouciance with a neat and tailored top, say, a black twin set and knee-high black boots with opaque black tights. Because of the fullness of the skirt, you’d want your top to have good coverage (no drooping or scoopy necklines) and keep accessories simple. Hair should look polished, not cute (no headbands with this), and a classic bag will finish your look off beautifully. If the color seems de trop for you, do consider the shape. It’s very “in” right now and it’s far more forgiving to women’s hips than the pencil skirt. This should be worn with elegant flats, or perhaps a chunky-heeled Mary Jane but not a clog or anything even vaguely belonging to the “sensible shoes” category. Boots would be good.

Go have fun. PeaceBang is going back to finish watching “That’s Entertainment II” and to enjoy the last night of peace before church life starts again full swing for 2008.