Fellas! What’s going on!? I’m out and about and seeing a lot of grooming failures lately! Basic stuff! So sorry if this sounds like a list of “Duh” for those of you who take care of business in the cleanliness department, but it has to be said for the many who aren’t paying attention. A little mussed is fine. Unironed shirts I can live with. But dirty is gross. So consider this a friendly reminder from Auntie PeaceBang because she doesn’t know how else to say it and she doesn’t want to have to pull anyone aside and say, “Psssst! You have crusty ickies coming out of your ear over there.”
Cripes, when I think about how women are socialized to be impeccble and constantly harangued to groom everything from our eyebrows to our baby toes, it amazes me that men can be taken seriously as leaders when they don’t seem to know enough to wash their faces. Feel free to contribute a feminist rant on that subject in the comments, pigeons. Meanwhile, here you are:
1. Clean under your fingernails. Because that little tell-tale strip of dirt way down deep there? Ewwww! Get a legit nailbrush and please use it daily.
2. I can see that you haven’t taken a washcloth or Q-tip to those ears for quite awhile, and you’re growing potatoes in there. This makes you look like a child who can’t take care of himself. How can I entrust you with the concerns of my soul if you’re GROWING POTATOES IN YOUR EARS?
3. Dry shampoo is a good investment. It’s like $4 a can at your local Wal-Mart or CVS or Target. Suave makes it. Lots of shampoo manufacturers make it. If your hair gets greasy, you should wash it. If you don’t have time to wash it (but I don’t know WHY you wouldn’t — it’s not like it takes much time to dry), at least spray a little dry shampoo in there, mess it into your mop with your fingers (don’t brush it through — that just brings out the grease again) and arrange your hair without brushing or combing it down flat. Combing your greasy hair down flat just makes a bad situation worse. Dry shampoo is a good friend to the busy pastor.
4. Get yourself one of those handy-dandy little smudge-removing cloths and use it on your specs so you don’t gaze at people through a fog of fingerprints. It’s the same kind you use for computer screens. Don’t use a tissue or your shirt: you’ll scratch your lenses.
5. Crest White Strips reportedly work pretty well. No one has to have movie star blinding white teeth but dingy yellow can really drag a guy down. A bit of baking soda mixed into a paste with water will also remove stains, but brush gently with a soft toothbrush. In fact, you should always use a small, soft toothbrush. So many guys I have known brush their teeth with big, manly hard bristled toothbrushes but that’s not what dentists recommend. You need a soft or medium brush with a small enough head to get into the nooks and crannies. And brush your tongue, too, as lots of bacteria collects there. Smile! A great smile is such a blessing to the world.
6. Speaking of smile, ouchy winter flaky lips, Batman! Get a nice emollient lip balm in a little tin (Rosebud, for instance — no one needs to know you have it) and rub in a generous amount before you shower. Let the warmth soften your lips. When you finish your shower, apply another layer of balm and use a face cloth to gently rub the dead skin off your lips.
Dry lips actually trap dirt in the cracks, and that’s very distracting to look at when you’re talking to someone.
7. You know how some people get spittle collecting in the corner of their mouths when they talk? If this is you and you are aware of the spittle situation, carry a clean white hankie around with you and just dab when you need to.
8. Everyone’s skin starts to look like a blotchy nightmare this time of year. A little extra care to your daily regimen will do wonders to brighten your complexion and keep you from developing blemishes, crusty dry spots, and bumps from shaving. Remember to never, ever, ever pick at a blemish! Swab it with some tea tree oil and leave it alone. It will clear up in a few days.
9. Trim your nose hairs and groom your eyebrows. You don’t have to do anything but moisten your finger and brush them into place, but it cleans up your whole face. If you have crazy brows you can spray a tiny bit of hairspray onto your finger or a toothbrush and brush them in place that way. They’ll stay better. Do not cut the brows over the brow line, okay? It looks insane and grows back all wiry and stickin’ out.
10. Jesus will not judge you if you tap a little eye gel on every day to keep puffiness and lines at a minimum. It’s a tough, cold season and we’re due for another visit from Mr. Polar Vortex. Why not have a bright, healthy face for the world?
Kiss of peace from Sister PB!