Beauty Tips for Ministers

She Has Blistering Commitment!

Oucherinos!!! Pigeons, listen to this tale of woe!

Sunday I wore a cute pair of black ballet flats (on sale at Talbots from $100 to $29…should have been my first clue, but I digress…) before the 8am service even began I knew I was in trouble. By the time I walked out of the service at 9am I was in hot pursuit of band aid to ease the pain on my blistered heals.
In pursuit, I ran into the council president. As I told her my story (feeling stupid for making this the topic of our conversation) the Sr. Pastor joined us. BOTH of them told me to just go barefoot.
THEY WERE SERIOUS. ???? I found band aids. I limped along. Both of them thought *I* was nuts for not taking my shoes off and told me so again after the third service.

I haven’t searched to see if you have covered summer foot wear (I imagine you have) but I had to share to see who you think was the wackier.

Darling, PeaceBang steps right up to pin a medal on your pulpit robe for Valor in Service! Sunday service, that is. You made absolutely the right choice. Going barefoot may have saved you a wee bit of pain but it would have undoubtedly been extremely distracting both to you and your congregation. Well done, Soldier of Spirit!

Blisters are AWFUL! PeaceBang is quite fond of that little stick one can rub on to prevent blisters (I believe Band-Aid makes it). I keep that in my bag at all times. Another idea is to purchase some foam tape and back all your heels with it before you wear them for the first time. Don’t buy the expensive Dr. Scholl brand; buy your own at a craft shop and save tons of money.

As a last resort, crush the heels of your shoe and walk on the backs of them to preserve your poor bleeding flesh. The shoe may never recover but you may decide that the sacrifice is worth it.

Painful feet are a serious detriment to mindful, centered presiding. It’s such a disappointment when we think we’ve found a good pair of church shoes at a decent price only to find that they’re a living torment to our tootsies. We feel your pain, sister.

There’s some foam tape for ya. You can put sports tape on top to secure it. Just make sure to get a shoe that’s a half-size bigger than you need if you’re going to try this trick.

No Sneakers, Please!

Lovely reader Gina sent this in,

I am not a minister but my minister turned me on to your blog and I am a devoted reader. Kudos for doing your part to stamp out frumpiness! To that end, I’d like to suggest a discussion about not wearing athletic sneakers unless you are actually working out. An explanation of a “non-athletic” sneaker for casual wear would be a public service!

Dear Gina,
Thank you for your letter and for your excellent suggestion. You reasonably suggest a “discussion” about wearing athletic sneakers outside of the gym, but PeaceBang is going to make this much easier although less democratic:

PEOPLE, UNLESS YOU’RE GOING TO THE GYM, DON’T WEAR SNEAKERS. THANK YOU.

Seriously, though. I am in the process of packing for a long trip abroad and anticipating with much dismay the sight of American tourists sightseeing in Big Wanking White Sneakers. On one hand, I’m grateful that anyone is lucky and solvent enough to travel. On the other, I think it sets U.S.-French relations back ever so much when we storm the Bastille (or the Louvre, or Notre Dame) in our big ole sneaks and baseball caps. There’s such a thing as Beauty, and it is revered as a transcendent reality in much of the world (the French, for example, are known for their devotion to it). So I for one am not about to visit the Hagia Sofia in a pair of Big Wanking Sneakers. Nor shall I defile the temple of Nike in a pair of Nikes. What I will do is wear black walking shoes that are like sneakers in comfort and construction but do not scream, “I’m From the USA Where Sloppiness Is Our Expression of Freedom!”

(One caveat: as far as PeaceBang is concerned, the very elderly may wear whatever they like on their feet when touring. That also goes for veterans. And probably some other special honored people I haven’t thought to include right now. But for those of us who are fairly hale and hearty and have options, let’s opt for something more appropriate that Big Wanking Sneakers.)

That goes for our ordinary, non-traveling lives, too. Sneakers are for the gym. And it’s really not beyond any of our capabilities to change shoes after a work-out. There are lots and lots of comfortable, foot and ankle-supporting shoe options out there. Even black sneakers are better than the Big Wanking White Ones.

As far as “non-athletic sneaker” for casual wear that Gina references, that would be something like this:

Very cute, very kicky, if that’s your thing (I don’t love the Asics for the guys in the top photo, but the Pumas for gals are right cute).

But this cute colorful kicks thing can get out of hand. I can just hear the “Bozo The Clown” theme when I look at these.

Good Advice For Pantsy People

PeaceBang, I just read an older post about your favorite pants that you bought in 2002 and how you wish you had another pair. Just in case you don’t get alerted to read comments on old posts, I’m sending you an email.

Take your favorite pants to your local tailor and have her/him make a copy for you. You can even have have them made in another color, with a higher waist, remove the belt loops, add some cuffs, you name it. Not only do you get brand new pants, you’re helping keep a local business in business, so you get to feel twice as good.

Thanks, Alert Reader!

Men’s Shirts Again

Jeanne thinks my shirt picks for dudes are hideous, so let me try again.

I’m having a hard time, guys! There are a LOT of u-u-ugly clothes out there for you! PeaceBang is so sorry!

Jeanne asks, “What about a polo?”
I think they’re too casual, their colors wear out in the wash, they show spots very easily, and they look terrible pulled over even a medium-sized gut. Here’s Banana Republic’s version of a polo but it’s way too Euro-chi-chi and revealing to work for clergy. That lightweight pima cotton is great if you’re about 22 years old, have a perfect bod and are out on the town for the evening, but it’s really not substantial enough for a professional hombre.

And look at this. I love the bright splash of color, but how Mr. Thin-man do you have to be to get away with pants cut like this???

Macy’s says it’s spring men’s wear is all about Bringing Color Back, but where’s the color? What I’m seeing is GINGHAM Izod shirts (gingham!?? are you cereal?) and stripes that make a man look like mattress ticking.

Dammit, now I’m on a crusade. I will not rest until I find some decent bright colors on decent garments for my fellas.

Dudes, Don’t Live In Sombertown

Remember in “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” when the Burgermeister Meisterburger forbad all the children of Sombertown to have toys? And he sang that great song about “It’s a Difficult Responsibility” in a really thick CHerman accent with his broken leg and his weasley assistant sang, too, and Miss Jessica the schoolteacher had to help Kris Kringle figure out how to get toys to the children? And she had the most beautiful smooth red hair and the tiniest waist, and you SO wanted her to marry Kris Kringle, but secretly you loved the Winter Warlock better than everyone (”Call me Winter… please.”)?

Of course you do.
And you know that the economy is acting like the Burgermeister Meisterburger yelling “NO MORE TOYZ!” We all do. And we know that Santa Claus is coming any time soon to save us.

But that doesn’t mean we have to dress like the children of Sombertown. In fact, just about now would be a great time to add some really wonderful color to your wardrobe. Guys, I’m talking to you. Help us out here. You know how PeaceBang feels about the excessive (in fact, downright obnoxious) casualness of the Hawaiian shirt, and God knows you should NEVER wear bright colored pants, but there are other options:

Thanks for brightening my day, pastor! Love your fun seersucker shirt!

Or for the hotter summer days in the casual setting:

All shirts by Orvis. Make sure you keep them freshly ironed and wear with a pair of nice, crisp chinos and appropriate shoes. No hairy toes and crusty heels, menfolk. There is such a thing as a pumice stone, you know, and you shouldn’t be wandering around in huaraches anyway.

And for those of you who wear suits or jackets, look how much fun it is to see a tie that manages to be something other than the average blue or red!

Yay!

And here, by the way, is a really helpful article about suits and sports jackets for you, fellas. You’re welcome.

P.S.
www.overstock.com is an amazing resource for sports jackets on super, super, super markdown.

Lanky Peeps

Pookies, please help A., who writes with this urgent question,

I am a plus size tall (5′10′) gal who is really frustrated that stores just don’t seem to carry tall sizes. I pass through aisles and aisles of petite clothing to find a store clerk who informs me they just don’t carry talls in their store. Why is that? It seems counter-intuitive to me since if a pair of pants is too long, there’s always the option of getting it hemmed, but we amazons have no options when faced with a pair of Erkel-like pants landing 4 inches above our ankles.

I know petites have clothing woes too, and I’m all sympathy. But I’m tired of having cold ankles because I can’t find pants long enough!

Any suggestions?

A! As I wrote to you off-line, I suspect this is all a matter of finding certain designers or manufacturers who tend to cut their clothing more generously. Men can always go to the Big & Tall stores (and guys, if you do go there, can you tell us if the clothes are decent, or ghastly, or what? And if the latter, where do YOU go to find long-enough shirts and slacks?) but alas, PeaceBang has yet to see a store called Long-Limbed Babe.

She has noticed, however that plus-sized store Ashley Stewart seems to cut their clothes for Women of Grand Stature, which is why she never finds anything that fits her there. Lands End plus-sizes also tend to be cut longer, if memory serves, and Lane Bryant definitely stocks a Tall pants category. If you can’t find your size that day in the store, they’ll ship it to you for free — which is a nifty customer service option that saves you the trouble of hunting it down online yourself. Ulla Popken is another company that comes to mind since every time I tried on clothing in their store (there aren’t many, but I used to live near one), I joked that it’s too bad I’m not a Scandanavian Amazon, because all of their garments seemed to be designed for them. Seriously — their skirts weren’t just too long on me, they dragged on the floor. Ulla is expensive stuff and I also don’t love the shapelessness of the designs (I have the same complaint with J.Jill), but like everyone else, they have SALES!

Readers, what say you? What have you found that works?