Beauty Tips for Ministers

NO HAWAIIAN SHIRTS!! EVER!!

Pigeons, I am choking on my iced tea out here!! Deb’s comment below, contributed as a response to my earlier post about not wearing bare shoulders, has me totally disturbed!! Please tell me it’s not true that pastors are preaching in Hawaiian shirts. Flocking to conferences looking like employees of Trader Joe’s or as though they’re on their way to happy hour, fine. But PREACHING IN THEM!??

I’m fully with you here on the no spaghetti straps, and fully on board for no bare shoulders for anything official, though I’m not sure for church softball games or that sort of thing.

But the no hawaiian shirt thing doesn’t jive. I live and work in California and my conference includes Hawaii and hawaiian shirts are it–Annual conference, I think that might be all the men wear, and for many of us who are in the desert where you will literally pass out from heat stroke if you wear a robe in 100-120 degree heat, Hawaiian shirts are seen in all kinds of pulpits–it’s sort of the norm out here–casual and liveable for those inferno months…I’d love for you to reconsider your advice on this. (Even as a woman, I know Hawaiian shirts are fairly safe in the summer and much easier than figuring out which short sleeve blouses do and don’t show too much arm or cleavage….

And here is my response to Deb, gentle as always

Deb, I’m horrified!! It’s bad enough for male pastors to wear Hawaiian shirts, which communicate a casual I’m-totally-on-vacation-get-me-a-beer vibe, but to suggest that women wear them too for comfort’s sake is ludicrous to mine ears! Girl, that’s why God made cotton blouses in solid colors! It’s 96 degrees here today, for instance, and I am wearing a white cotton skirt, sandals, and a plain black short-sleeved T-shirt with an elegant boat neck. I am just as comfortable as if I was wearing a (shudder) Hawaiian shirt and I look professionally acceptable for tonight’s Annual Meeting.

I stand firmly by my conviction that no one on the planet will really take another person seriously if they’re clad in a Don Ho shirt — except in Hawaii. The whole look was invented to communicate “Don’t Worry- Be Happy! And Let’s Get To That Limbo Contest While I’m Still Really Wasted!” That is NOT the gospel I want to non-verbally communicate with my attire. If my pastor showed up wearing a Hawaiian shirt I’d assume one thing and one thing only: he’s been interrupted from a vacation. See my lips? They’re SO pursed right now!!! - PB

Larger Wrists Need Larger Watchbands

Uh-oh! PeaceBang is noticing a small but not insignificant problem out there among the more abundant-bodied among us: the wearing of watches that seem to have a tight, angry death grip on the wrist.

Why is this a problem? Because when I am worried that my minister is cutting off the circulation in her arm, it distracts me from my counseling session, committee meeting or worship service. A wristwatch that looks painfully tight says to me, “Is this person fully present in their own body? How can she not notice the way her wrist is caught in a vise-like grip of leather or metal right now?”

I am seeing this on women clergy only, which leads me to believe that men have a far wider range of sizes available to them in the wristwatch scene. Gals, if you can’t fit two fingers under the band of your watch, it’s too tight. Please make the effort to find something that fits and that is the appropriate proportion for your body. Uncomfortably tight watches with small faces do not work for those of us with meat on our wrists. If this is you, do yourself a favor and get yourself a watchband that fits.

Great Look For Petites

This beautiful lady is not a minister, but she’s a great example of how to dress professionally as a petite. Laura was tiny in high school and she’s still tiny after having borne two children and lived through twenty-five years. (I was petite in high school too, but, um, time has not been as kind to me!)

She isn’t obscuring her face with a lot of hair — she’s got a cute, gaminesque haircut. Not everyone could carry that off, but Laura is beautiful and she can. As she gets older, I think it would work well for her to grow the hair down over her ears a bit.
She’s brightened her face with a pop of red lips– fabulous.
The shirt and skirt fit perfectly — the blousy top works very well with the more fitted skirt, which has a lovely flare detail at the bottom. There’s a definite femininity here but nothing overtly sexy, thanks to the muted colors.

Shoes are great — a classic slingback is always appropriate for work.

This was Sunday afternoon following a concert at church. Steal this look. It’s just perfect.

Vests (And PeaceBang Uses Herself As a Bad Example)

Here I am with colleague Daniel Budd. We actually hadn’t decided to both wear vests that day, but I have to say that it was fun playing Bobsey Twin with him:

So, let’s DISCUSS, shall we?

To me, Daniel does a great job projecting an image of poetic and groovy minister; hip but with a sense of style and humor. His proportions are right. He is very tall and his long hair softens him and gives him a kind of Bible patriarch-meets-troubador vibe. He’s in great shape and therefore all his pieces look very neat on him; unfortunately not always the case with the rest of us (the camera seems to be adding weight on him here — which makes me feel better because I didn’t think I was that much of a meatball myself). His leather vest works for me because it’s classic, it’s cut very nicely, and best of all, it’s NOT EMBROIDERED.
Darlings, I’m sorry, but I just HATE those embroidered vests adorning the bodies of white, Boomer clergy. You know what I’m talking about. You can get mad, you can argue that your vests connect you with memories of your mission trip to Honduras, you can tell me that you wear yours with a totally with-it pair of pants and shirt but I don’t think I can be persuaded on this one.
LOSE. THE. EMBROIDERED. VESTS.

Now, me. I am breaking some of my own rules here:
1. Rolled sleeves are SLOPPY. Get them tailored or tuck them under a blazer. This just looks messy. See how distracting that little cuff can be? If I was a presenter or in a professional setting (rather than on sabbatical and just not putting the effort in), this would be absolutely unacceptable.
2. If you’ll be walking to church in the wind, bring a brush for touch-ups when you get there.
3. Because my new 3″ heel sandals were killing me (those lovely Borns — absolutely comfortable in the toe and footbed but with some kind of torture device in the heel, apparently), I had switched this day to flats. Therefore, the line of my long, flared, dark denim jeans was ruined. I had only brought two pairs of pants with me and both very long, so lesson learned: if you’re trying out a new pair of heels for the first time, bring some pants alternatives so you don’t walk around with a draggy hem.
4. You can see from the expression on my face that the pews in the church are already beginning to kill my back.
5. Since my back is really bad today and I am safely home, I am going to tuck up in bed with my beagle and my cat and a big glass of water and rest.

The Quest For A Brown Sandal

When I was in college I purchased a pair of dark brown platform sandals for probably about $12. They were incredibly comfortable so even when they went WAY out of fashion I kept them in storage, and took them out a few years ago where they’ve been in constant rotation ever since.

They’re actually very clonky looking with thick straps, but I love them. I can wear them walking all over New York City, which is my ultimate test for a shoe’s true worth. The footbed is all worn down and dirty-looking where my toes have pressed themselves for all those millions of wearings, and I realized a few years ago that I needed to find a dressy brown sandal for professional wear. So I did. I bought a pair of snazzy brown platforms that have a very comfortable footbed but that kind of pinch my toes. Then I bought a pair of Nine West *very* dressy brown sandals with a tiny golf-tee heel for $16 that were comfortable in the store (Famous Footwear) but are just too dainty to run around in like the galumphing troll that I am.

I keep going back to my college clodhoppers.
I wore them when seeing an old, best friend for the first time in 20+ years. He took one look at my feet and said, “So, you’re gay now?” I socked him in the arm and we laughed but it’s true that they’re, um, not very feminine. I was wearing them with a pretty skirt and white t-shirt. I kind of like wearing heavier shoes with lighter dresses when I’m out as a civilian. I think it’s cute. (So Jud, a Bronx cheer to you!)

So my quest for a comfortable, tromp-around-worthy brown sandal continued. I found these at half price on a website called 6pm, and bought them today after having tried them on at DSW Shoe Warehouse at twice the price:

They were *very* cute on, and also comfortable. If they work out, I’ll wear them to the Festival of Homiletics and they won’t cramp my style the way any of the others do. They’re Borns, and at under $50 I feel like I got a really great deal.

But tell me: why is it SO HARD to find shoes that look good, that fit, and that won’t require me to mince around with aching toes like some kind of courtier in the reign of Louis XIV?

The Dreaded Sandals With Pantyhose

I’ve been writing this blog for two years, and I know you’re out there. You read. You iron. You look in the mirror and do hair management and Stole Straightening before you go preside at a funeral. You are walking taller and looking sharper because you’ve realized that clergy image matters, that whether we like it or not, our exterior selves do represent an interior reality. You’re spiffin’ up for Jesus (or God or Buddha or Allah or … The Great To Whom It May Concern).

And then Peacebang attended a Ceremonial Event and one of her colleagues was wearing Bierkenstocks with vestments. But not just that: Bierkenstocks with panty hose.

And PeaceBang knew her work was far from done.