Beauty Tips for Ministers

Winter Coats

I have two choices. I can either take my 7-year old black wool coat back to the tailor AGAIN to have it taken in, or I can buy myself a new winter coat.

I’m so tired of the black wool look. I do have a ridiculous faux-fur trimmed brown tie-belt coat that I got on the 75% off rack at TJ Maxx, but it’s also huge on me and probably needs to be retired. I also have an ancient, ugly khaki trench that depresses me every time I wear it (SO BLAH, SO OLD), and what I really want is a beautiful brown or charcoal coat that will keep me warm and be appropriate for funerals and professional engagements, and that can be spiffed up for my personal use with fun hats and scarves.

And yet I dream of something like this:

Unrealistic, of course. I have a warm, walking-the-dog down coat, and what I really need to do is invest in a new black wool and neutral trench. Why, oh why are decent plus-sized coats so damnably hard to find?

Oversized Vs. Just Too Big

What did this model do to deserve being drowned in all this fabric by the stylists of the Nordstrom’s catalog?

Poor gal, trying to stand all sideways trying to get a shape going under all that hideola purple ruffle:

The bright blue piping helps create the illusion of shape here, but the dang thing is still just too big!

Look how happy she is now! Someone finally brought her a top in the right size! (I’m pretty sure this is the same model, with better hair and make-up):

Here again, she’s wearing a boxy, oversized jacket but she’s not drowning in it — she’s got on a form-fitting totally cool tank underneath:

Same thing here. Boxy, geometric shape over body-conscious basics = chic. Just too big = frumpy.

Too Much Going On

This frock needs to go back to the zoo:

Too much going on. Prints zigging and zagging all over the body, bad cut, too much flounce, the woman’s shape and face are totally lost. The Mutual of Omaha will not be proud to present this Wild Kingdom. Way too much going on.

If you want to do animal prints, this is more the idea:

Yes, she’s a movie star and the outfit is nuts, but the animal print is small and tasteful - used as an accent, not as the entire show.

I think this skirt is neat and the outfit’s not bad, but here’s another case where you have to be careful: the print is SO bold that it’s best to keep the top simple. Sorry I can’t get a larger photo of this, but if you get out your bifocals you’ll see that the model is wearing a frilly top. I think there’s too much going on. A black or white fitted shell and cardigan would have worked so much better, and will on you. The frill on her top paired with the bold geometric pattern of the skirt doesn’t really work. It’s a wonderful thing to work with contrasting textures, styles and genres (cowboy boots with a flowing summer dress, diaphanous top with jeans and men’s leather belt, etc.), but this stylist didn’t achieve fashion, just (say it with me) “too much going on.”

If the mere notion of trying to mix styles gives you a migraine, by all means keep it classic. I mean, there’s not a thing wrong with the classic pencil skirt and tailored top, is there? That’s a lot of leg for a pastor to display, but better that (with sheer hose) than that sartorial version of a Serengeti stampede we first saw.

Interesting Shapes

Dressing simply and in a classic style doesn’t mean having to stick with the same old same old. It means paying close and careful attention to line, fit and fabric and making sure that all three of those elements are appropriate and flattering, and of as good quality as you can afford.

Real classics (think cashmere sweater, perfect wool skirt, etc.) don’t need to be updated every season or even every few years, but if you want to add something very “of the moment” to your fall wardrobe, consider some of the interesting shapes out there in sweaters and jackets. I saw this little sweater at a local boutique and thought it would be beautiful with a pair of charcoal trousers, a pencil skirt, or even a super pair of dark denim pants (notice I’m avoiding the word “jeans”). Add a beautiful, simple pendant on a long chain or a set of silver bangles and boom, you’re set to go.

(I don’t know how the sleeves work, but there are sleeves in there.)

Time To Get Into Trousers

These have no business being on your legs past Labor Day:

They’re far too casual and inappropriate for professional wear.

Even if you wear them with super-fabulous shoes like these, not okay. What makes them too casual? The ruching on the leg, the cargo pockets, and the drawstring. I’m not a fan of capri-length pants in general, having seen them on too many frumpy clergygals over the years, but if you must insist on a shorter pant, consider something like this:

Or if you’re a very slim woman (and I mean VERY slim), you might go the cigarette pants with sweater-set and flats a la Audrey Hepburn route.

NO HAWAIIAN SHIRTS!! EVER!!

Pigeons, I am choking on my iced tea out here!! Deb’s comment below, contributed as a response to my earlier post about not wearing bare shoulders, has me totally disturbed!! Please tell me it’s not true that pastors are preaching in Hawaiian shirts. Flocking to conferences looking like employees of Trader Joe’s or as though they’re on their way to happy hour, fine. But PREACHING IN THEM!??

I’m fully with you here on the no spaghetti straps, and fully on board for no bare shoulders for anything official, though I’m not sure for church softball games or that sort of thing.

But the no hawaiian shirt thing doesn’t jive. I live and work in California and my conference includes Hawaii and hawaiian shirts are it–Annual conference, I think that might be all the men wear, and for many of us who are in the desert where you will literally pass out from heat stroke if you wear a robe in 100-120 degree heat, Hawaiian shirts are seen in all kinds of pulpits–it’s sort of the norm out here–casual and liveable for those inferno months…I’d love for you to reconsider your advice on this. (Even as a woman, I know Hawaiian shirts are fairly safe in the summer and much easier than figuring out which short sleeve blouses do and don’t show too much arm or cleavage….

And here is my response to Deb, gentle as always

Deb, I’m horrified!! It’s bad enough for male pastors to wear Hawaiian shirts, which communicate a casual I’m-totally-on-vacation-get-me-a-beer vibe, but to suggest that women wear them too for comfort’s sake is ludicrous to mine ears! Girl, that’s why God made cotton blouses in solid colors! It’s 96 degrees here today, for instance, and I am wearing a white cotton skirt, sandals, and a plain black short-sleeved T-shirt with an elegant boat neck. I am just as comfortable as if I was wearing a (shudder) Hawaiian shirt and I look professionally acceptable for tonight’s Annual Meeting.

I stand firmly by my conviction that no one on the planet will really take another person seriously if they’re clad in a Don Ho shirt — except in Hawaii. The whole look was invented to communicate “Don’t Worry- Be Happy! And Let’s Get To That Limbo Contest While I’m Still Really Wasted!” That is NOT the gospel I want to non-verbally communicate with my attire. If my pastor showed up wearing a Hawaiian shirt I’d assume one thing and one thing only: he’s been interrupted from a vacation. See my lips? They’re SO pursed right now!!! - PB