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And Now For Something Completely Different…

You know how you come to end of one of those weeks where you had a lot of sad, upsetting counseling sessions with people from the wider community whose plight is so complicated and circumstances so challenging that all you could do was stay on the phone (or in the study) with whoever it was, mostly just listening and being in solidarity with how crappy things are for them? And you feel super depressed about the things that never go away like addiction and emotional violence and depression and people lying their heads off and economic struggles and you think, “Well. I better check my email” because that seems like one constructive, tangible thing you can do?

Then you get a promotional e-mail from Planet Shoes or some online mega store and you click on the link, and you find yourself laughing way out of proportion to how funny it actually is that there’s a new category of shoes called

ATHLEISURE??

Yea, ATHLEISURE. Imagine saying that with a straight face in regular conversation.
“Oh, I was wondering if you could point me toward your ATHLEISURE section.”
“Those are adorable ATHLEISURE sneaker-clogs, Mary!”

This is the sort of item that makes it into the ATHLEISURE category:

Men’s Vivobarefoot Neo Mesh. WELL, pardon me with your fancy name:

This gorgeous style is called Groundhog Popeye. If you ever want to send PeaceBang to the place where people go when they can no longer function, just show up to an event wearing these and introduce yourself to me. Have an ambulance ready:

WHO WEARS SOMETHING THIS UGLY. EVER. AND WHY. Those are rhetorical questions. That’s why there’s no question mark after them.

Oh, hey, now this is confusing. It’s an uncomfortable wedge shoe cleverly disguised as a comfy sneaker. How is this “athleisure,” I wonder. If you walk for exercise in these, you’ll break an ankle. If you enjoy leisure time in these, you’ll have a 3″ wedge to deal with. I sort of don’t hate it in black but again, the categorization issue. Too sneakery to be cute, too high to be comfortable.

NEXT!

I love these Chaco shoes for men, all strapped and buckled up like we’re going someplace real rugged, like up a mountain, except it’s really just across the parking lot to pick up our kid from Swimnastics. What is that all about, Chaco? Who do you think you’re kidding? They’re athl… oh, no, wait. These are definitely leisure.

Finally — and this is how dangerous a condition you can get yourself into after a week of too many encounters with pastoral helplessness — these fascinating hybrids from Dansko that you might, in your vulnerable state, kind of find cute. They’re KEDS and they’re CLOGS. They’re KEDCLOGS. They’re KEDOGS. I don’t know. They’re not athletic, and I don’t really see how they’re leisure (they’d be cute for nurses in a pediatric care unit)… maybe “Athleisure” is the new, handy euphemism for “So danged ugly we didn’t know where to put ’em.”

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The New Ugliest Shoe

I know this is so mean, because this company has a wonderful commitment to put shoes on the world’s people, but my Lord on high, they are UG-LAY.

The deal is that the company, Tom’s, sends a pair of shoes to someone who needs shoes for every pair you buy. Which is awesome. The problem is that the shoes are criminally hideous, have no support, and are made of cloth. All for like $70.

All I’m saying is, by all means be a good doobie and buy a pair to wear around the house or whatever. They’d make GREAT slippers. Slippers that you wear in the house. When you’re alone. In the dark.

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Pale Legs, Proportion and More on Mumsy Mary Janes

Marlene asked this good question in the comments recently and I didn’t want you to miss it.

What is the right color of shoes to wear with pale legs? I always have trouble shopping for a pair of sandals, I feel like black and brown just scream look at my feet! I would have thought this color would work, I try to go as neutral as possible.

Well, that really depends on your legs. I think you just have to keep trying and find what works for you. Young, fit women with pale white skin can look cute with dark colored shoes, but I think the older we are the less it works. This goes for men as well — dudes, please know that if you’re going to wear shorts (which PeaceBang thinks you should NEVER, EVER do in ministry unless you’re working in Bermuda or Hawaii), your footwear should not be big and clunky and black or dark brown. Gads, you know that, right?
A brown huarache or something is fine, but nothing heavy.

If I am dressing up for a ministerial event, I tend to wear a heel with a longer skirt. I save cocktail dresses for social events in my private life, at which I may wear black platforms with my very pale legs, but it’s all about proportion. I have very slim lower legs with good muscle tone (the only part of my body that I can say this about) and if I’m not careful I can truly look like a meatball on two sticks. Hence, I never wear a dainty shoe. NEVER. It throws off my proportions terribly, and I am of the opinion that no heavy-set woman looks good in a ballet flat. It must have some sort of wedge or component to give it heft, otherwise it further stumpfies the figure. Lithe, tall women or petite women look beautiful in flats. Big gals should eschew the totally flat flat.

I think the worst frump offender for pale white legs is the Mary Jane and knee-length skirt combo. I do wear this combo myself but it is ETERNALLY frumpy (on older women!! Not necessarily on younger) and should never be brought into the halls of authority or anywhere outside your office or on pastoral visits. Don’t argue with PeaceBang, she knows whereof she speaks and has seen too many permutations of this outfit to give you personal dispensation.
The same thing goes for chunky Mary Janes, middle aged women, and pants-with-blazers combos. This is usually a quick ride to Frumpsville and I see it all the time. It’s a nice, unthreatening look for someone who should look unthreatening (like a hospital chaplain), but please do not appear before the state senate to advocate for affordable housing in such a mumsy get-up. It just screams, “Oh look, Good Reverend Wouldn’t Harm A Fly made a special trip into the big city to speak on behalf of the poor, isn’t she an old dear?” You don’t want to ever give anyone in leadership the chance to dismiss you like this, but chunky Mary Janes always look like you’re one step away from putting on an apron and baking muffins. That’s what they project, that’s all they’re ever going to project, and let’s all be honest about that.

If you wouldn’t see a state senator in a flared knee-length dress and Mary Janes, you shouldn’t be wearing them yourself when working for social justice. Save them for the Easter Breakfast or the Bible study or another time when it’s fine to look cheerful and cute.

As for pale legs, or ashy, dried out legs if you’re a woman of color, shave and moisturize them well before you put them out into the light of day. And don’t let PeaceBang catch you with your toes hanging off the edge of those wedge sandals you found on sale at Famous Footwear. Girl, ALL your foot needs to be in the shoe!

These would all be good shoes for a pale, white lady. Notice that the black patent pump is a peep toe, which gives it a lighter feel and would therefore be a fine match for pale white gams, or for any brown or black skin tones, for that matter. It’s just a beautiful pump.

Now THIS is just too screaming red for a white woman to wear without causing the eye to go RIGHT to her feet and stay there, but would look gorgeous on darker skinned preacher ladies.

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The Abominable Snow Minister

It’s hard.

I come from a land of snow and ice and slush and crud all winter and I do own a pair of perfectly okay black snowboots that zip up and keep my legs and feet warm and dry and that have a completely flat heel and are sort of uncomfortable and actually let’s admit it in this really long run-on sentence COMPLEtely DEPRESS me because they are totally void of beauty and personality and I HATE THEM there now I’ve said it.

I also have a pair of ankle-high black snow boots made by the umbrella people — what is that company again? Totes, that’s it — that zip up the foot and are completely waterproof and that also have no personality and totally depress me.

I have a pair of fake Uggs (Fuggs, I’ve heard them called) by Bear Traps or Bear Paws or some other name like that that I love. They’re fake shearling lined and they’re a light tan color and they’re like bedroom slippers and I wear them all winter. So they’re getting kind of chewed up looking, especially since my dog actually does chew them.

So I’m thinking, “Well, look. I have to think about this boot situation. I have all these boots that I love in various states of disintegration from age and none of them are weather-proof. The weather-proof ones I loathe. The tan Fuggs are fine but not for ministry work (except for days at the office and stuff, but you couldn’t wear them to a funeral or to church). What I need is a black snow boot that’s REALLY a snow boot but that I can wear to church without feeling like the Abominable Snow Minister.

PlanetShoes.com is having a 20% off sale so I’m looking but in a half-hearted way. What’s more dull than SNOW BOOTS. Blech.