Beauty Tips for Ministers

Boots N’ Skirts N’ Stuff

A lovely colleague who just purchased some super riding boots asked me the other day how to wear them with skirts. Although we went over the Skirts and Boots Question at great length here, I just wanted to tell you about a gal I saw in the grocery store who was doing it all wrong. She was a fit, handsome middle-aged white woman who looked confident and put together except that she was wearing a pleated skirt well above the knee and knee-high boots with nude stockings. The big gap of flesh between her boots and her skirt made her look exactly like a drum majorette from the waist down. Not good, not good! Reverend ladies of all ages, stay far away from this look or someone may hand you a baton and big, fluffy hat with a chin strap and start following you around with a tuba.

In other Shoe Problems, one of my spies called to leave news of a Flip-Flop Sighting on my voice mail. His message was simple, and so right so I’ll just quote him: “It’s DECEMBER. You should NOT be wearing flip-flops!” Here, here.

PeaceBang is noticing that long, full skirts are still being worn by female Clergy of Size and she has to say precious butterbeans, if you feel at your best visually adding about 30 lbs. to your frame, that’s just the way to do it! Be plump, be flowing, be abundant if you absolutely insist! Or, if you’d like to show that you have a shape that’s actually lots and lots more interesting than voluminous fabric, try on a more fitted style like this one from Catherine’s.

What’s so scary about that?? You don’t have to buy it or anything but seriously gals, if you want one change in 2008 that can be as Moses bringing you out of The Land of Frump, this is it. Shapeless jackets and skirts are out, out, out, and Why? ‘Cause although the world of fashion can be crazy at times, sometimes it makes changes because certain silhouettes are ugly and unflattering. Please give away your utterly shapeless skirts or take them to a tailor and have them taken in at the hips, or hemmed, or do something that will give them some shape. Will you do that for me? Because I just have an irrational need for you to look at least as beautiful in the world as Condi Rice. I don’t like what she represents but she consistently far outshines the female clergy in the polished image department, and that ain’t right.

Speaking of shape, and I was, PeaceBang is squeezing out of her favorite black blazer and noticed that her blouse was pooching out below her blazer buttons during tonight’s worship service for The Compassionate Friends. Oh sure, I was fine standing but sitting at the pulpit, Houston we had a problem . Good thing I could cover my poochiness with a combo of strategic placement of my leather binder of readings and good posture.

Certain items in our wardrobes are so essential that it’s important for us to make sure they fit appropriately at all times. If you have a tendency to change sizes throughout the year, be vigilant. While you work on slimming down (or fattening up, if that’s the issue), be sure you’ve considered what fits and what might need to be purchased or borrowed in a size up or down to get you through the transitional time. In my case, a classic black blazer is something I cannot be without. So while I work on losing the buttah, I’ll temporarily switch to the dreaded Unstructured Black Jacket and wear higher heels and dressier accessories to give my outfits the polish that I want to try to have. That and a good girdle should see me through the holidays.

Remember: NO SNOWMAN SWEATSHIRTS. NO SNOWWOMAN OR EVEN SNOWPERSON SWEATSHIRTS.

Noisy Boots

I forgot to say the other day that a cobbler can probably put a rubber sole of some sort on loud, clacky boots to make them a quieter ride.

That is all. Because someone asked.

Kiss of peace, PB

What Fresh Hell Is This?

Just when you thought that Crocs World Domination was bad enough, they came up with these horrific things!

Honestly, they’re not horrific if you’re wearing them to waterboard or parasail or …whatever you outdoorsy types like to do while I’m reading on the beach, but I have visions of Casual Pastors wearing them to church on summer Sundays. I’m frightened, Auntie Em!!

Let Me Take You On a Nostalgia Trip, People

Remember wallabees? You were like in fourth grade and they were the coolest things and you wanted some so badly, and you actually got to get them because they weren’t too mature and dangerous like the CLOGS you also wanted with a searing passion?

I found a pair of totally classic wallabees on the sale rack at Off Broadway Shoes a couple of weeks ago and whenever I wear them I look at my feet and am right back in Miss Macdonald’s class, just figuring out that I REALLY LIKE BOYS. They’re ugly as sin, so I mostly just wear them in secret. Twelve bucks of sheer nostalgic happiness, friends.

He Needs Shoe Help, Boys

Darling fellas, this came in recently:

I’m looking for advice on where to find stylish men’s dress shoes that are also comfortable for spending all day on one’s feet… and that also fit folks with super-wide feet. If you don’t know, I’m sure your stylish readers do.

I’m preparing for my first Sunday in the pulpit in my new ministry and want to look *fabulous*. The worn-down Eccos I have are just not cutting it right now (and the Skechers are just not dressy enough to preach in). Brand suggestions are more than welcome. Thanks!

in peace,

M.

M., my dove, have you checked the very hand-dandy archives?

And guys, can ya help?

The New “It” Shoe This Season

Oh, boy. Ready or not, gang, lace-up oxfords are back with a vengeance. I’m so mad because I had an adorable brown pair about twenty years ago and I should have just KEPT them.

Nine West is tempting my shoe lust with these recent styles:

So cute!

For Sarah, who wondered what kind of shoe might go with the classic Ann Taylor styles, how about these?

That’s a gorgeous taupe color for many women, and I’m sure you could find something similar in black. I love the low vamp and strap (much more elegant than the usual thick strap that tends to look either frumpy or too girlish), and if the heel is too high I’m sure you could find something similar at a better bargain and with a more sturdy heel.

And then there’s these for the boys!

So much cuter and more with-it than sloppy ole sneakers!

Also, by the same maker (Fluevogen):

These,

for the more rugged types and these,

, which are just Cutey McCutester!

They’re unrealistically expensive but I love the sense of sturdiness, style and whimsy. They’d look great on a pastor wearing, say, a pair of great chinos, a classic sweater (nothing bulky) and a corduroy sports jacket. The shoes would be all about personality.