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Don’t Have Worshipers’ Feelings For Them: On Avoiding Condescending Or Co-Dependent Asides In Liturgy

This is a pet peeve that I haven’t written about before, so it must be your lucky day!

Worship is a communal act. I have nothing against generalizations, such as when a pastor speaks of “back-to-school chaos.” I am not going back to school and I don’t have children who are, but I recognize that that’s where a lot of people — perhaps even the majority — of parishioners are focused. I’m perfectly comfortable not having every pastoral reference relate to my own personal life. However, I find that I really chafe when a worship leader tries to have my feelings for me in the midst of the liturgy, which usually comes as co-dependent little asides during readings.

Just give the reading. Seriously. Just give the reading, prefacing it, if you like, with some context or information that will help illuminate its meaning. Do not interject an “I’m sure you all feel this way after having heard that” remark after you give it; respect the worshipers enough to allow them to have their own reaction. If YOU found the reading extremely painful, it’s okay to say that. If you really have to. Extraneous chatter in between liturgical elements disturbs the flow, interrupts the worship experience, and communicates anxiety and lack of preparedness/experience and depth, so I advise training yourself out of that habit (even the over-explaining habit, eg, “This is the time in the service when we do this… this is the moment that we do that…” commentary).

I recently heard a young, new minister give a reading in a service and follow it with a kind of “Gee whiz, I know that was hard for you all to hear” comment, and it was incredibly condescending. As I quietly rolled my eyes into my lap, I remembered that this happens not infrequently, and I wrote myself a mental note to Alert the Pigeons.

It would also be a good idea for all of us to try to avoid using a tone of voice that sounds like what would happen if Lucy Van Pelt was called to ministry. You know what I mean? That over-enunciated, slightly bossy, precocious voice? It’s not a female thing, it’s generally a youth and inexperience thing. I promise that the big dummies in the pews are actually very intelligent, thinking people who don’t need such a precious rendering of the text as they are patiently tolerating from some of you. They are church folk and they know how to listen, and they listen generously. Stop trying to TEACH them with every word, and try just feeling connected in your body and emotions to what you are saying. When the reader gets out of his or her head and mouth and into the soul, it’s better for everyone.

As Ma Ingalls said, “There’s no great liturgical irritation without some small recompense in being able to blog about it.”

220px-Lucy_van_Pelt

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A PeaceBang Consult With Diane

I had a wonderful time consulting with Diane today.
She came in dressed for a regular day at her ministry setting as an Interim Minister of Pastoral Care in a large church located in an affluent Boston suburb.

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[Please click photos to enlarge.Sorry they’re not very good. Someday maybe I’ll have my own staff to do this for me!]

We talked about shoes, of course (Diane has wide feet and shoes are a challenge. I thought her Dansko sandals were fine, but advised her to wear a more chic shade of polish on her toes. It will make a big difference. I recommended a dark plum). We discussed Diane’s current setting and what she needs for a coming season of interviews and other formal formation occasions such as her ecclesiastical council (a necessary step before ordination in her tradition) next spring. I advised Diana to think not only about her immediate future, but to consider where she’d like to be in a year from now, and two years, and five. When you start to consider your image, appearance and role in the church and in society, think beyond the immediate moment. Where do you want to be? What kind of a feeling do you want to evoke in people when you walk into a room? What is deep in you that needs to be brought out?

Diane has a full wardrobe of camisoles and unstructured jackets from Chico’s, and a huge collection of statement necklaces to go with all the variations in colors of those combos. We quickly established that she looks much, much better in rich jewel tones than in neutrals. We discovered that she loves a little bit of sparkle. I found this very telling, as I always listen carefully for those little, revealing details. Diane presents as a lovely, low-key presence. She is pleasant, intelligent, and poised, but warm and personable. We laughed when I told her that she’s seems like a classic Nice White Lady.

Nice White Ladies are great. But “nice church ladies” of any color who aspire to public leadership need to have some options in their wardrobe that help them achieve a more commanding presence.

Diane brought colleague Mary with her. I had done a consult with Mary a year ago and it was great to see her again, fresh out of her first year in the parish. As Diane tried on combo after combo and I commented on the various looks, we talked about clergy image and why it feels so important to connect the sense of beauty we feel about God’s creation with our own appearance; why we care about making that effort. It was a great chat.

After seeing Diane in about ten different ensembles that she brought from home, it was clear that she has a kind of uniform for herself of flowy top, camisole, and slacks accessorized by bold necklaces. There’s nothing wrong with having a go-to outfit concept like that: it saves a lot of time and makes shopping for clothes and dressing in the morning much easier.

But I wanted to see if we could get Diane to move a bit out of her comfort zone. She has a fantastic figure that she’s not dressing for at all, so we discussed tailored, more fitted styles that will give her a sharper, more contemporary and stylish silhouette. Since she’s wearing mostly flowing poly knits, I recommend that she investigate some cotton/spandex tops, which look very smart tucked into pants when you have a beautiful waistline, as Diane does. I see a gorgeous leather belt with a bold, amazing belt buckle in her future, as well as a great pair of dark denim jeans. I want to encourage her to get a little more STRIDE in her stride.

Diane’s necklines are almost all camisoles, which is fine but, IMHO, not tailored enough for a woman in leadership position to wear to every professional appearance. I recommended that Diane try on some collared blouses, that she look at jackets with structure and lapels, and that she challenge herself to try on younger, more chic clothing just to see how that might change her sense of herself.

And then we went upstairs to mess around with hair and make-up. Diane, I’m so sorry that I accidentally deleted the little tutorial video I made for you! But I can easily recreate your make-up right here. Ready, everyone? Here’s Diane after a bit of cosmetic enhancement and wearing one of my necklaces, just to give her an idea of a different style than her usual bold, multi-strands of colorful beads.

Continue reading “A PeaceBang Consult With Diane”

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Formality!

Hello darlings!

PB is just breezing by in the midst of a very busy season!
Crazy, ain’t it? Not only is Easter early this year, Miss Springtime seems to be waiting in the wings with a case of stage fright while Ole Man Winter continues his not-so soft shoe all over the Northeast. I’m trying to be cute and light-hearted about it but the truth is we’re ready to lose our minds over here in Southeast Massachusetts. It’s like, if I go out to my car one. more. bloody. morning. and see snow on the windshield or hear word of ONE. MORE. DAMN. STORM…. As Mama Honey Boo Boo would say, “You got to COME ON NOW!”

We’re holding on. No kidding, it has been hard. We have felt a tremendous amount of vulnerability in our communities and have faced some really scary conditions. Disruptions galore. Our woods and yards are devastated. It will be a serious clean-up effort this spring.

So let’s not talk about that right now! Let’s talk about FORMAL OCCASIONS! Like the ordination I just attended this past weekend. I was so happy to meet several of my devoted BTFM pigeons in real time, and deeply gratified at the soul level to see them wearing proper footwear and stockings. You do me so proud, pigeons!

But hold onto your coffee mugs everyone, because PeaceBang is going to lay down a law here:

WE WEAR STOCKINGS OR SOCKS AT FORMAL OCCASIONS.

WE DO NOT SLIP ON CASUAL FLATS OR SPORTY SHOES WITH CLERICAL VESTMENTS AND PROCESS INTO THE CHURCH WITH OUR BARE ANKLES SHOWING.

An ordination is a formal event. Any time we are asked to participate in a ritual known as a processional, we are attending a formal event and representing not just our cute, casual selves, but the Clergy as a whole. Whether or not we are saying a word in the service, we are fulfilling a symbolic function (as well as a collegial and ecclesiastical one) and casual footwear does not cut it. Lather, rinse and repeat for all rites of passage.

A formal event calls not only for appropriate footwear and socks or stockings but for intentional grooming of the hair and face. Formal occasions call for photo-ready clergy. Again, again and again, PeaceBang despairs that there are blotchy faces, red winter noses and shiny foreheads on display along with bare feet in casual shoes and hair that hasn’t seen a brush in many hours (or what my favorite bloggers TLo call “yoga hair”). Those of us who will be appearing in historical photographs should make some effort beyond just showing up and throwing on our robes and stoles. Is there some theological issue with hair conditioner that I don’t know about? Is a little lipstick or concealer so much to ask? Would it kill you to call your mother once in awhile? Sorry, I get carried away.

Given that I arrived late to the service and literally threw on my robe and zipped it while running from the car to join my colleagues in the queue outside the church, I ain’t one to talk. I was having a bad hair day and my chignon wound up looking like I had an Easter egg tucked under it, a detail I failed to notice until I saw photos. I can only assume that one hundred years from now, people will think that we did our hair that way on purpose. I just don’t want any of us to be caught on film looking well-nigh bedraggled. These occasions are serious and important. Let’s look it, from head to toe.

Congratulations to the impeccably groomed new Rev.