Category: Pastoral Fashion Emergency, Or “PeaceBang, Help!”

Dear hearts,

Some of you inquired about the wide-legged chinos featured in my post of a few days ago, “Pants That Scare, Pants That Inspire.” I think I found the ones I featured on the Nordstrom website, but they were mighty ‘spensive (notice the sateen band at the top? That’s why).

But I found you these, also available on the Nordstrom site (up to size 14 only, sorry):

As for conference bags, we’ve talked quite extensively about bags on here and those seeking wisdom and advice in that area might want to start by browsing the “Accessories” and “General Assembly/Conferences” archives. If you keep at it, you’re likely to find a photo of the notorious CHICKEN BAG worn by the Rev. Jake Morrell at the St. Louis General Assembly. Notorious!!

Oh my dear ones,

I sigh with the doldrums. I have a cold (regular sinus flushings with the Neti pot is doing wonders but I still feel weary as Heck) and wish I had all the energy I need to get spiritually snazzed up for the idea of Holy Week and other exciting upcoming adventures in religious community. And I confess: because I am tired and cranky in that special female way, I just ate about 1200 worth of calories for lunch. Which makes me feel truly lousy, lousy, lousarino. I know the emotional reason for it, too: I saw photographs of myself taken yesterday wherein I look very very large, dieting seems futile. Too much discipline, slow results, bla bla bla, complain, moan, gripe.

Here’s what happened. I attended the Installation of a dear friend yesterday, wearing a very comfortable dress that I truly believed looked good on me. It’s a big, wild print and because I think that tying dresses in the back is a great way to highlight serious yantitas,* I thought I’d do something cute and smocky and tie the dress in the front instead. When I wore the dress to church last week everyone loved it! I’ve lost close to 20 lbs. since December so I thought I wouldn’t pull a Large Marge in it. (“Pulling a Large Marge” in PeaceBang’s parlance is when an Abundantly Figured Gal dresses in such a way as to unintentionally accentuate her volume — and since busy prints can often create this effect, PeaceBang should have known better).

I saw the photos and in three simple words, I am HORR-I-FIED.

So in addition to having a cold that’s worn me out, I have evidence that I’m far from svelte even though I’m fitting back into clothes that haven’t been buttoned around my girth for two years. There I was feeling so proud until I saw those photos.

We call this Extremely Unnecessary Beating Up Of the Self and I know that, but I am devoted to sharing with you the good, the bad, and the ugly, my sweets. All I can say is, busy prints do NOT MAKE FOR FLATTERING PHOTOS.

Also, I desperately need a haircut because no one needs hair that just sits on one’s head like a limp eel. I have now officially become my own Fashion Emergency. It’s back to solid colors for me, that’s for sure!!! Because I DO have a waist, God as my witness I do!

Anyone else care to come forward with a testimonial about a recent fashion misstep? Perhaps it will be cathartic if we all share together. If not, feel free to take guilty pleasure in my sartorial bomb-out.

*Mexican slang for “rolls of fat,” or what SweetieBang now refers to as “empanadas”