I was on the radio yesterday afternoon with the fine people of Frequence Protestante in Paris, waiting my turn to be interviewed for ACP Today (American Church in Paris). Waiting to be introduced, listening to the segment that preceded mine and breathing deeply to allay my nerves, I smiled broadly when the woman before me described how she recorded her vlog (video blog) in her pajamas, with no make-up and barely brushed hair. I don’t remember this nice lady’s name, I just know that she runs women’s retreats and is, I think, a psychologist. I don’t think she’s a minister. Anyway, she described wanting to be “real” and “raw” to her viewers, which was interesting to me as someone who preached “be camera ready” “present yourself as the leader you wish people to see you as being” and “For God’s sake, don’t film yourself in your pj’s!”
What this woman considered real and raw, I would interpret as sloppy, unprofessional and lacking appropriate boundaries. I would not sign up for a retreat with someone who introduced herself in her pajamas, fearing that the retreat experience would be similarly “raw and real.” I don’t know about you, and I am genuinely curious and would like to know your thoughts, but I want a retreat leader to have herself put together and professionally attired so that I can let go and collapse in safe hands.
I may want to attend a retreat in my own jammies, with no make-up and minimal hygiene (I can probably manage to brush and groom my hair unless I am on retreat for extreme burn-out or am in dire state of exhaustion), but I do not expect a retreat leader, or leader of any kind, to feel equally comfortable to lounge around. They’re working.
When I go on “retreat” in my ministerial role, I am most definitely not on retreat myself. Let’s not kid ourselves. Yes, we may enjoy moments of leisure and relaxation with our groups but if you’re there in your clergy role, you are working. You may intentionally choose to be seen in your jammies as a way of sharing the honesty and authenticity of the retreat experience, but wear a robe. Wear a bra. Wash your face. Rise early enough that your brain is in gear so you aren’t ambushed in the bathroom by an intense pastoral inquiry or an out-of-left-field question about the budget. Never drink more than a tiny bit, bring a beach cover-up, and don’t think that you aren’t on duty. You are. And you are therefore under the loving and trusting scrutiny of the people you serve.
In my denomination we have pre-ordination retreats. One prior to Deaconal ordination and the other before we were Priested. At both events we were told the dress code was casual and we were polled to see what concerns or questions we had. The retreat leader for the first was male and very well pulled together. He was an authentic, caring presence. The second retreat leader was female and again, was an authentic, non-anxious presence.
Frankly, if either had been in their pj’s, I would have found it extremely inappropriate. Not raw, or real, but weird. We had a video night but it was not a pajama party.
At our Christmas Eve 4:00 pm Children’s Service we call it a pajama mass. I wear flannel pjs with all appropriate undergarments. I sit on the floor and ask the children the story of Jesus. We sign hymns, have a scavenger hunt, celebrate the birth of a baby and generally have a gay old time. Parents are there, also in the pj’s. It is a specific service, with a specific purpose.
I don’t know that I could take this retreat leader seriously. And if I was watching her vlog I don’t know that I would feel comfortable seeing someone who is not “camera ready”. I would wonder if she wasn’t feeling well. Or was she on the verge of burnout? Because when I’m not all together my personal hygiene takes a back seat. But maybe that’s just me.
I agree. I was horrified when the stewardship expert from a neighboring diocese appeared for training in unironed gray khakis (wrong on so many levels) with a faded black clergy shirt.
I suspect that being “raw” and “real” by appearing in your pajamas works best if you’re a small-busted yoga instructor in your mid-20s. Either the person must be really comfortable letting it all hang out, or it’s a form of humblebrag, ie. #NoFilter, I just wake up this beautiful. I would never wear sleepwear when working, in fact I seldom even wear pajamas while walking around the 1st floor of the manse in case I need to answer the door unexpectedly (my office is in the manse). As a very organized, professional person, I wouldn’t be able to relax and trust the leadership of a retreat leader who showed up looking like it was moving day instead of a qualified professional. [Love this. Thanks. – PB]
An addendum: going to denominational summer camps as a camper. I. Do. Not. When I’m on vacation, I’m on vacation. How could I possibly lie on the beach or dance the Wild Thing with the letters “R-E-V” emblazoned on myself? If you’re going to ask me to explain (justify) my theology, offer a position on virtual vs. brick-and-mortar church, or listen to a description of delicate church politics, it’s going to be for cash and I’m going to be camera-ready.
Rev. Gidget nails it. If I am working, I dress the part. If a retreat is called casual then I wear casual which does not mean sloppy and unkempt. For me it means clergy shirt, skirt or slacks-not jeans (because I find them uncomfortable) proper shoes to stand in. This helps me be present in the way I am being paid to be present. As an aside- this blog helps me check my inner slob and reminds me looking appropriate is as much for me as it is the people I am ministering with/to. …so – many thanks and I wish you were in Canada and my personal image consultant!
[Invite me to visit! I’d love to see you in person! – PB]
This reminds me of how college students often (hey, I did it too) dress sloppily thinking they convey, “I don’t care about my clothes” when what they are really conveying is “I am a college student.”
Sloppy does not equal “authentic” or “real.” I am more likely to be impressed with someone’s authenticity when their clothing seems expressive of and harmonious with who that person is.