So listen, lady loves.
You probably need a dress.
As a gal with a Very Challenging Figure, I avoid dresses for fancy occasions because they just do not show me to my best advantage. Separates are much, much more flattering, and therefore a black suit with a silk blouse, glammy shoes, make-up, bag and accessories work for me in almost every circumstance. However, there are times that I know I really ought to have a cocktail dress — or, if you prefer, a tea dress.
The thing about being clergy gals is that we have to be very strategic in our choices of frocks; we really do. Lace is too sexy. Low-cut = Festival of Inappropriate Sharing. Too short = immature and unprofessional.
This thing has to be CLASSY (said with a super flat “a” vowel for full effect). Classy and flattering and kind of safe and boring. This is the dress you take out for the wedding rehearsals, the special dinners, the events at the fancy venues (everything from City Hall to local museums to country clubs). If they’ll be serving booze at this event, that’s your cue: get out your cocktail dress. Frumpy florals won’t do. Cotton will NOT DO. A business suit can serve, but NOT with frumpy or comfy shoes. Get out your slingback pumps and your bling.
I went and lurked around Macy’s looking for the sort of thing I mean and took some photos. Remember when you’re looking for yourself: Do NOT ever, ever, and I said EVER judge a dress from the way it looks on the hanger. Unless you are a semi-professional stylist like Yours Truly, you have no idea how the thing will look on you, because you don’t know. Try. It. On.
Now. Mira conmigo. Click on the images to enlarge them.
This is the sort of thing I mean.
I can imagine a silver fox in this. Just please: wear some make-up. Don’t ever attend a semi-formal event with a bare face in a dress. It’s an aesthetic issue: these garments need to be styled. Make-up is part of that styling.
I will never understand why clergy feel they have to wear their clericals EVERYWHERE. Enough, already. Take off the collar and be a person, for God’s sake. I have a suspicion of Protestant clergy who can’t leave their clericals off for anything. I feel like they can’t allow themselves to be a normal person. The collar distances and exoticizes and you know it does. Please consider that before you try to awkwardly insist on making a dress and clericals look work. It almost never does.
These dresses are perfect. Blue is always a good color, and the cuts of these are solid:
If you want to fake a little waist, this is a neat detail for a simple cocktail dress:
This is a bit mature and could be dowdy, but it’s a nice eggplant color and might look fine. Try it on.
Very tailored, the stripes are fresh but the whole look is elegant enough for an event. And you could dress this down with flats and a denim jacket for a day at the office.
This kind of chevron print is very big, and this faux DVF wrap design is flattering on many women. If you don’t know what a DVF wrap dress is, google it. That’s part of your Basic Fashion Knowledge 101:
Here’s a very nice LBD (google it) with a terrific cowl collar and slim belt. Put on a simple pair of pointy-toe pumps or sling-backs or strappy sandals, grab a clutch bag, boom:
Here are some NO-NO’s:
Too short. Your dress should hit you at the knee or just a hint below. The full skirt is cute, though, and flattering if you have curvy hips. A full skirt needs hair with volume, unless you’re super swan-like.
Nothing SHINY.
No ruching like this. It’s too slinky.
Got the idea, kitties?