Raise your hand if you’re an emotional eater or a compulsive over-eater! Raise your hand if you’re trying to learn how to eat normally!
Bet a heckuva lot of hands went up, amirite?
Now, notice that I did not say “trying to lose weight.” There are so many who struggle to eat well and sanely who are not heavy. Certainly any glance into a clergy gathering will inform the most unscientific observer that we are an OverEating People, but the struggle to feed oneself in nourishing and loving ways is an issue that spans body size spectrum. Not every fat person is addicted to food and not every slim person is a healthy eater. *tight-lipped finger wag*
I found this woman’s work spot on in terms of what I am trying to accomplish with the help of a hypnotherapist and listening to Mindful Eating CDs daily. It’s hard work. I am undoing years of habits. I have to pay careful attention to my body signals and I still get confused between hunger and tiredness. Even when I do eat slowly and mindfully, I sometimes don’t realize until a half an hour later that I ate too much. It’s frustrating and I feel sometimes like I adopted a very complicated animal this past fall (when I started hypnotherapy)with whom I have yet to become comfortably familiar in order to care of in a natural, intuitive way. It’s like when I first adopted my dog, I was always looking at my Beagles For Dummies guide to figure out how to handle the simplest things about his care. My ex-boyfriend and I were such nervous dog parents! I’m that way with myself and food right now in my life: a little hyper-vigilant but hopeful that the relationship will get much easier. I have a lifetime of arguing with myself about eating and it will take steady, calm attention to eating normally before it all becomes second nature.
Church life is centered around the table fellowship and that’s a wonderful thing. Breaking bread together is cherished and ancient way of being together in community. Food is love, food is gratitude. Food is life. I love a good church potluck. I love cooking and often cook for parishioners, making soups or baked beans while praying for them. I like knowing that the people I’m feeding are going to ingest my prayers in the form of a nourishing meal.
But I am also trying to recover from compulsive over-eating, and I am starting to more actively enlist the support of parishioners in that goal. It’s as simple as letting people know where I’m at. I have been on diets and food plans before, but learning to eat normally is different: I eat whatever I like, but just until my hunger is sated. That’s not very much food at all but it’s very easy to over-eat when I’m socializing or distracted. As you know, when you’re with church folk, you’re both socializing and at work, and distracted. I am learning that I have to think about table fellowship in a different way. Instead of looking forward to an opportunity to feast, I have to think about the people, rather than the food, as the feast.
I want to emphasize that this isn’t a question of discipline or denial, it’s about the reality of my body and my stomach and physical discomfort. For a long time, I associated the sensation of a full stomach with a perverse kind of security. Compulsive over-eaters will know what I’m talking about: on one hand, a body busy digesting a full stomach of food is a sedated body, which feels secure. Many of us over-eat to quell anxiety (and many other uncomfortable emotions). On the other hand, an over-full stomach is an open invitation into familiar guilt and self-criticism. Some of us have kept company with these harsh inner judges for so long, there is a sad kind of familiarity with them. It takes support, care and attention to find security in new ways of feeling.
I find it very challenging to do the advance planning required for healthy eating while not becoming fixated on food. Isn’t that hard? I know I need to spend some time thinking through the day or the week in terms of meals so that I don’t get over-scheduled with occasions for over-eating (aka food-related socializing) while not getting hung up on thinking about how much I will or won’t eat. What I try to do is consider my schedule, plan ahead a bit and then move my mind to some other topic. It’s the mental equivalent of getting right from the table and switching to another activity after eating so I don’t linger over seconds or thirds. I am trying to shift food and eating to a minor role in my life.
The other day a parishioner invited me out to lunch. For someone who doesn’t have overeating issues, this is a no-brainer. An invitation to lunch, great! For me, an awkward moment of hesitation because I knew I was also having dinner with parishioners that night. I dearly hope to reach a time in my life when no meal feels like a minefield, but I’m not there yet. So I hesitated, and then immediately realized that my fear of being presented with too much food in one day might seem like hesitance to spend time with this lovely woman, which was in no way the case! Augh! Hammer to head!
So I told her what was going through my mind. And we wound up having a lovely lunch out where the conversation was more the focus than the food. I had a bowl of soup and yea, okay, I snarfed down a big roll and butter and ate too much at dinner later that night, but each baby step is an achievement toward health and sanity, and I’ll take it.
Remember the cardinal rule of self-care: don’t bore people with it!! It can be awkward to share with some of your lay people that you’re a compulsive over-eater (or however you want to phrase it, that’s my chosen phrase), but do take the risk. Don’t discuss it endlessly with them: that’s an issue for you and your doctor, support group, spiritual director or shrink. And for heaven’s sake and the love of God, don’t preach about it at any length. It’s fine to mention, but I feel quite strongly that sermons about the minister’s “journey to conscious eating” or “journey to eco-consciousness” or “journey to overcoming shoe addiction” is always going to sound self-righteous and judgmental of those who haven’t achieved such levels of enlightenment and I hope you’ll avoid that like refined sugars (See what I did there?)!
Do you remember a hundred years ago when I suggested that every minister have a “Booger Patrol” or maybe I called it the Booger Team? These are the few people who will stop you on your way into the sanctuary to tell you that your slip is showing, that you have spinach in your beard or that you have something dangling from your nose. This is the same team you can partner with to strategize getting through a food-heavy season or event. Check-in with them. These are the folks who might, for example, put aside a little plate of fruit and cheese for you from coffee hour so you don’t go after the white flour carbs like a ravenous wolverine. They’re the ones who will make sure there’s something other than sweets to eat at the Coffee and Dessert stewardship event, or who will quietly pass you a cup of tea and a plate of strawberries when you arrive.
With many people in our spiritual communities engaging in an effort to eat mindfully and healthily, you’re setting a good example by doing the same. Just don’t be a martyr or a pain in the ass about it.
Bon appetit, darlings.
It’s a struggle, isn’t it? One of the crappy things about growing up is realising that I will have to put effort into organising and chosing what to eat and into planning exercise for the rest of my life. And the older I get, the less calories I can handle. I’d really quite like my body to function well without me having to put effort or thought into it. As a child I was so active, I could eat cheese, butter, sugar etc. till it came out my ears.
Still, it has been nice learning that I actually do feel much better in myself being a bit more active and I actually do enjoy some forms of exercise (walking, yoga).
Check out thefatnutritionist.com she focuses on eating normally, which she defines as eating food you like in satisfying amounts. It’s a judgement-free zone, and she’s a proponent of the Health at Every Size movement. I find her perspective quite refreshing. Ellyn Satter is another good resource. Reading these blogs has made me realize how messed up our society’s view of food and eating and health is.
The food with parishioners thing is always hardest upon entry into a new church. I have found a few handy ways to deal with it, primarily around sugar. I warn the search committee or people having me over that I don’t eat desserts with sugar, like cakes, etc. I explain it mainly for health reasons, or simply that sugar triggers me to overeat. It also helps prevent people baking me a lovely basket of muffins. I would hate to have someone make something especially for me and have to disappoint them. If people do give these to me, I have shed any guilt feelings around discreetly throwing them out later.
However, I have also found people to be fairly considerate, and they will often ask if I have allergies or anything – a great opportunity to BRIEFLY bring up other dietary issues. Putting it on par with a food allergy kind of normalizes things, and sounds a lot less self-righteous.
Also, I tend to eat 6 small meals a day, so if I’m with a group of people over a period of time, I tell them I will probably bring some things, “so it doesn’t look odd or ungracious when I pull out my own food.”
I have developed some comfort around saying a simple “none for me, thanks” to desserts or snacks without feeling obligated to explain. That’s taken some practice.
Since my recovering around food addiction is probably the deepest, most abiding spiritual learning I have, I do use it for PART of sermons on occasion. It does double duty in helping people understand how to be around me and food, and it occasionally has prompted someone to ask questions about recovery.
I discovered a few months ago that I am a food addict. It’s a huge deal and I am learning what I should and should not eat. Eating out is a challenge and it feels very much like a minefield. I postponed lunch out with a friend recently and then realised I needed to see her, I missed her and when we discussed where we were going I suggested we walk to a restaurant. We did and both made healthy food choices. It turns out she’s have bariatric surgery in June and wanted to ask if I’d be part of her support group. We are going to have regular walking dates and going forward, when we have lunch together, we will pack the food ourselves, walk to the park, eat and then walk some more. Something I had been dreading became something completely wonderful.
Battling this addiction will be very difficult and it means I will be in a constant state of recovery. For now I’m avoiding eating with a group of people because in the past I have had a difficult time eating enough…always end up overeating and feeling badly about it. Until I learn to portion control myself and make healthier food choices, I choose to refrain from being in a position of great anxiety.
Grocery shopping is a scary thing too, but one day at a time, it’s working out. I live in a small town and often run into parishioners. One stopped me the other day and we ended up swapping recipes for summer salads. Awesome.
Thank you for giving us permission to face these addictions and fears. We as people of faith always gather around the table…be it the communion table or the pot luck table. And we need to draw on the strength of others as we manage these minefields.
Thank you for the awesomeness that is you. Know you are being held in prayer and we will get through these days together.
Thank you to the community that is BTFM. We rock!!
[Thank you so much for this, my dear! It makes me think that maybe a retreat for clergy and food issues would be a worthy project … – PB]