I have been tracking every bit of food I eat and beverage I drink using (free!) FitDay.com for about six weeks now. I am learning a lot. The whole point of this commitment is simply to learn, and to understand, what it means to consume an appropriate number of calories. I am staying within a certain number and I find it shocking to see how much I can eat if I keep my food choices in the “whole and healthy” category. Shame about that fried food thing, innit? And oils and butter. Gee, I hadn’t realized that I was using around 6 tablespoons of whipped cream cheese on my toast. Whipped cream cheese is so low in calories! Right, when you use THREE tablespoons.
This isn’t rocket science or even very interesting to people who intuitively get this, or who aren’t compulsive overeaters. My goal for this phase in my life is to be healed of compulsive overeating, which is a lot different than trying to stick to a diet. I have no interest in dieting. I do have an interest in health and well-being.
My struggle right now is that I find it challenging to regulate my energy without the calming effect of a full stomach. Digestion takes energy, and since I am not currently compulsively overeating, I don’t have that natural sedative working for me. As a result, I am feeling a bit manic (I am not clinically manic, but the word is apt). Obviously I should exercise more and cut the caffeine, but this issue is more of a psychospiritual, or even mystical one, than that. I’m sure more exercise and doing without coffee, tea or Diet Coke would calm me somewhat, but I know myself by now. I’m 46, I understand the mechanism. The Holy Spirit, the gods, the Muse, whatever you want to call it, rides me hard and not always responsibly. I notice that since I stopped eating meat as regularly (and less food in general), I feel somehow less grounded.
Right now I am trusting that this is a temporary condition, and that my body and spirit will adjust in time to new patterns of consumption. But I wanted to ask my pigeons if you have experienced this yourselves, and if you have suggestions for maintaining a sense of groundedness during this time of transition. I know it’s ridiculous but some days I feel like I am going to blow away. It’s not hunger, it’s … inner emptiness, or space, and it gets filled up fast and intensely with energy.
Kiss of peace, dears!
Oh my gosh. That is such an amazing description of a familiar feeling. Especially the manic feeling.
I do find exercise helps use and then center what is left of that restless energy.
How are you experiencing the actual act of eating? Not so much the science-ey documenting, but the actual act of the meal? Does eating slowly, with intention feel different from when you have to schedule in eating around a busy schedule on the go? Or is the restlessness still the same?
Maybe it’s because it is Lent that I am wondering if that could be helpful to consider. So much of this season was/is about having a heightened awareness of the relationship between food, spiritual hunger and bodily hunger. I feel like this has to be a familiar thing for a lot of people.
I am very interested to hear what people say about this.
I wonder if exploring the practice of fasting would help–not by actually fasting any further than you are, but exploring the spiritual aspect of fasting and using that practice when you feel like you’re either manic or floating away. What is it that people who fast focus on to deal with those sensations?
I don’t know if that makes sense, but I do have a friend who fasts regularly (weekly) and at first had similar experiences to what you’re describing, but seems now to have moved to a more spiritual place of body-spirit awareness, and she says it’s because she has taken fasting to a more spiritual level than simply not eating (or not eating for comfort).
[I think that’s probably a great suggestion. Being a diabetic means that I have to pay smart attention to the medical realities, but I’m sure the fasting tradition has MUCH wisdom to provide. Thanks. – PB]
Hi AnthroK8,
The actual act of eating feels the same except for one major difference: I figured out that I often take the next bite while I am still swallowing the one before, or even chewing it, so that has stopped. I don’t make a big deal of meals unless I’m with friends because I have always found that whole, “Put your 1 oz of chicken on your plate and light a candle and really savor it” approach to be really depressing. I still read when I eat, I sometimes eat a meal at the counter. As I said to my therapist, “My goal is to make eating a snack or a meal an enjoyable moment, not a production that makes me even more aware of the smaller portions!”
I don’t schedule meals any differently, I just spend more time making sure I have good options in the fridge. There are times I know I’m going to eat mindlessly — after church is one of those times. So I eat however I like on Sundays (while still trying to abstain from compulsive overeating, like no entire pizzas or anything). Above all, I see this as a lifetime shift so I feel no rush or urgency, and that’s really important to me. I have set a “50 by 50” goal to lose 50 pounds by the time I’m 50 (4 years from now) but I am not pushing anything. I push myself cruelly in so many other ways I understand that my body will rebel if I try to push it, too. I’m having a compassionate relationship with my body right now. Grateful for my general health and attractiveness, grateful that everything works so well, grateful grateful grateful. A very different approach than most self-help or self-improvement programs. I LOVE this girl! I think she’s a great fat woman, and being fat has served me extremely well. I’m not giving up being fat, I’m giving up compulsive overeating.
Like AnthroK8 (if I’m reading him/her correctly), I find that exercise is more than a duty, that it really does refocus all that energy. I have a ridiculous amount of energy, and when I work out regularly I can be much more calm and thoughtful– and also honor all that power that’s a real part of me, because I’ve given it a place to exist instead of trying to tamp in down. Running (my exercise of choice, just by personal preference), is HUGELY a spiritual practice for me.
I’m very interested in where this journey will take you, and look forward to hearing further updates whenever you’re willing to share!
I am trying a new Lenten discipline this year.
In past years, I’ve done a combination of depravation/addition and often still ended exhausted and manic by Easter–not my spiritual goal at all. In addition, the months since Christmas have included an unusually high number of illnesses and funerals in my congregation.
I’m beat.
One of my sweet little shut-in ladies took my hand in hers after we’d communed and prayed, and said “Take care of yourself.” I went out to my car and cried for 10 minutes, because I WASN’T taking care of myself and she could see that.
My plan for this year is to eat well and nuture my body and spirit. I’ve stocked up on veggies, fruits, chicken, shrimp and fish. I’m not giving up caffeine, but am drinking more water. I prep my lunch each evening while listening to scripture audios, not the evening news or NCIS (my guilty pleasure). My goal is to not eat at my desk, so I’ve tasked my secretary to “schedule” me an appointment around noon. I take my salad and a bottle of water and hide in one of the Sunday School classrooms that overlooks our back lawn. It won’t happen every day, but just being able to do it last week gives me hope that I’ll get to Holy Week with joy, grace and renewal.
Lead on, PeaceBang!
Yah, that light a candle and enjoy your dry chicken gives me a stabby pain behind the eye. I often feel like an overeducated hummingbird with ADHD, and I feel sometimes I find myself eating while distracted and scattered, which I suspect contributes to the empty energy feeling. lovingly eating lentils served on China is not the solution, though.
I chucked out my scale when I started reading the Fat Nutritionist and Shapely Prose. It was a very good choice- I want to be healthy and strong, not thin.
Compassionate relationship with one’s body- that is a very good life goal to work on.
Please, PB, I beg of you, try to wean yourself off Diet Coke. It is so not good for you.
I think you are into some kernels of truth in this exploration. Nobody talks about what it feels like. Keep going, and keep writing.
Reminds me of how I felt the first week after I quit smoking, like I was going to fly apart. Several times a day, I literally would look down at my body to check that all the limbs were still attached. (Of course I knew that wouldn’t happen — it was just a temporary feeling that subsided.)
It struck me as a response to the loss of the sedative of cigarettes. The word that came to me at the time to describe the feeling was unmoored.
Thanks for sharing about this important stuff.
For a mind reset you might want to read Jessica Prentice’s Full Moon Feast; food and the hunger for connection. She writes of both the growing and liturgical seasons. Lovely book. Lovely recipes.
Thank you for your courage in sharing these experiences. Two things keep chasing around my brain when I think about my own eating/weight issues.
Every time I have spent a significant period overseas, I’ve eaten three square meals a day, plus snacks. I’ve eaten late at night, I’ve eaten meat, wine with lunch, coffee after dinner, dairy products, sugar, white flour — boo-hiss, right? And when I come home, I find I’ve lost weight. For me, the big difference is not eating alone.
Another thing that comes to mind is a quote from a dear friend who struggled for years with morbid obesity. She used to say that when she saw someone thin, the first thing she would wonder was what they did with their anger.
the sedative effect of medicating with foods that are heavy on fats/carbs, etc. is real — they release chemicals in our brains that calm us down. Would a scheduled 2-5 minute meditation break help? Just a few minutes of deep calming breaths(and maybe a few stretches to release some of the tension you’re storing in your body)?
I just read this:As tremendous a gift it is to get love, giving love is an equal boon. Many scientific studies demonstrate that whenever you bestow blessings on other people, you bless yourself. Expressing practical compassion not only strengthens your immune system and bolsters your health, but also promotes self-esteem, enhances longevity, and stimulates tranquility and even euphoria.
Okay may sound crazy, but is the ‘energy surge” really a kind of spiritual euphoria which is not recognized??or wrongly labeled?
You do spread a lot of love around. [Thank you for this. What you have suggested is not in the least crazy. I have come to the same conclusion, sort of. When I get ungrounded like this, I think of it as having “sent my spirit out” a bit too far and intensely and need to call it in and tuck it around myself. Thanks again for validating. – PB]
If you go out & walk around the block when you get a hunger pang it will help
You did a painfully wonderful job of describing the feeling of feeling manic and needing to feel grounded. I know that feeling well. I have struggled with compulsive eating and being overweight for most of my life. It is a slow and arduous process to learn what my body needs and how to take good care of myself. I have so far to go….
One of the techniques that has been most helpful to me – although difficult to do in the moment of “manic-ness” – was suggested to me by my very wise spiritual director: Sit still. Feel the feeling. Don’t analyze, try to escape, or attempt to medicate it. Just feel the energy. Name it and let it go through you.
It’s damned difficult, I admit, but it has saved me many a time and I am getting better at the practice of it. Lifelong learning, indeed. Thank you for being brave and honest.
if possible, eat more frequently and a lot of protein. I have also experienced what you are writing about and it can be frustrating to have that “empty” feeling when you are used to soothing with food. sometimes it just needs to be chocolate or icecream, but it can be one mini chocolate or a Weight Watchers ice cream (1-2 pts), instead of a pint or a huge bag. I find if I am too deprived, all good intentions go out the window, so I try to build in the things I want (I know I don’t “need” them) thru out the day. It is hard to find balance and be patient to go slowly, but that is what I am also doing and it is working slowly. I tell myself it is a way of life, not a diet, and it has to be something I can do every day. Exercise at Curves has been good for me (women of all ages and sizes), but you can find what works for you. Good luck. If it was easy, someone would be making a million bucks selling the solution 🙂
Consider swapping a poached or hard-boiled egg for your morning toast. Similar calories (or less: 80 for a large egg), but the protein will help ease that “my stomach is empty and I need to fill it NOW” sensation. It’s not just about calories, but satiety. And there’s plenty of conventional wisdom (and science) to show that protein is helpful there. [ I don’t eat morning toast. I do eat eggs for breakfast, or a protein smoothie. Thanks, though… – PB]
What wonderful wise words, friend. “The calming effect of a full stomach” indeed. I think you’ve nailed it. I’m trying a few things myself to get myself back down to my pre-baby weight (or lower, but without pressuring myself).
Two little tidbits I picked up that have helped me are:
1. Michael Pollan’s statement, “If you aren’t hungry enough to eat an apple, you aren’t really hungry.” When I’m tempted to reach for sugar, I ask, “Am I hungry enough for fruit or veg?” If yes, I try to choose that. If no, I try to reach for the water (which I’m sucking down with abandon due to that nursing thing…). When I choose the cookies, I try to limit it and not berate myself. (Girlfriend will not give up sweets.)
2. I read somewhere that because of our brain/body connection, we eat to beyond satiety, and that we should try to stop eating when we feel 80% full. That helps me – when I remember it.
These aren’t things I’m suggesting for you (I’m sure you know them, and you aren’t asking for advice anyway), but I’m putting it out there for an extra bit of accountability. I’m also training for a mini-triathlon, with a goal to finish without stopping. I do plan to run a half-marathon sometime this year, with the same goal (but actually, with a secret time goal….).
I’m adding some mindfulness to what to do with the unfocused energy of a less-than-full (but for me, not really “empty”) stomach. Thank you, dear one.
Oh I know what you’re talking about with the floating away thing… not because of eating less or ministering more, but because I’ve emigrated. Been here a month, don’t have a flat or a job (my husband’s just got one but I’m struggling), have gotten rid of most of my possessions… not much left to define who I am and where I fit. I am comfort eating (also because I’ve got a nasty cold. Not a cooincidence, methinks).
You may have that “floaty” feeling simply because you are – literally – lighter. I am glad you have decided to take this slowly (50 lbs by age 50, in 4 years) because it will give not only your body but your mind more time to adjust to a new way of being and feeling in your physical body. I am convinced that one of the reasons so many people lose weight only to gain it back again is because they feel so unsettled in their new body. Eight years ago I took the slow approach to weight loss and over the course of 3 years lost 70 lbs. I have successfully kept it off, but I still battle with the voice in my head that insists I need to buy a size large or XL when I’m shopping for clothes, when I’m not that size at all and haven’t been for a long time. I don’t know that I have any good advice for you, but you are so self aware in general that I’m certain you will find the way that’s right for you to deal with this feeling.
These comments are so wonderful. You are so wise, my pigeons. xoxo