So some kind pigeon wrote to me this,
Hey Peacebang,
I’m not a frequent commenter, and I’m not necessarily one of your “in
crowd”, but I felt compelled to write to you. You’ve posted a lot of
very strong rants recently, uncharacteristic even for you, and several
posts about feeling a bit glum/under the weather/etc. Now, I wholly
sympathize – my parish has been draining me to the bone recently, I
have nothing but sympathy and empathy for those who are feeling
drained – but your blog posts come across as harsh and rather
unreasonable.I might be completely wrong. I know your persona is one that stirs up
controversy and “says it like it is”. But perhaps you’re rather more
burnt out than you are letting on?I can’t really help from out here in blog-land, but do take care of
yourself. And if I can help, well, I am happy to do what I can!All the best,
M.
And then I wrote this back to her,
Hi M,
Thanks for checking in. I have been very, very angry about the world lately and I know that’s coming across in my writing. My parish work is wonderful – thank GOD for my beautiful church — but it’s just being the super-sensitive sponge that I am that gets me full of toxins. It’s very hard to know what to do with that. On one hand I know that I am required to be part of our world, witness to its brokenness and speak to it with love. My way of speaking with love is to be fierce and I know that’s not everyone’s cup of tea, especially in a field of work that expects us to be calm and holy in the way we communicate (and especially if we’re women). That is SO not me. At least not as a writer. I’m a very spicy writer and I know it can get wackadoodle. It feels that way to me, too!! I write the way I sing: it reaches the back of the house.On the other hand I know that I am required to keep my heart open and my spirit peaceful. When I do get to that place I just feel so sad it immobilizes me. I have a lump in my throat just writing that. I am SO SO sad. All the natural disasters. All the insane, hateful politics. All the ugly manipulations and lies to take money out of the pockets of working people and their children so that rich people can get/stay richer.The death of two cherished mentors! I just can’t seem to disconnect from it and get to the peaceful place. I guess you could say I am committing the worst sin there is by not having faith that God is working in the world, but I have a sense of hyper-vigilance, like if I don’t pay attention and stay informed of all the evil I will be failing someone somewhere. Like if I don’t pass along all the articles about how screwed everything is, and scream and yell about it all, I will be this comfortable small-town pastor with an awesome life serving a delightful congregation full of people I love with a staff anyone would kill to have… and that’s not okay.
Why is it not okay? Somewhere I got that idea, I guess.
Thanks for validating what I have felt lately which is that my personal Sturm und Drang is very much present in my writing. It is what it is and I can’t apologize for it because I am just doing my best to write honestly and bring up worthy topics for mutual reflection. What you are seeing is a struggle, and I appreciate your willingness to share it with me. However, please be assured that in my little tiny local life I am a happy and lucky girl, with much love and support and fun and laughter and amazing, amazing people around me every day. Maybe a good Lenten practice would be to write about that life for the next 40 days, try not to feel intensely guilty about HAVING a beautiful and blessed life, consider that to be just as much a glory to God as suffering with the broken world, and give y’all a break.
We can call it the M-Reflections in your honor.
Big kiss of peace, Vicki Weinstein
So, I’m thinking the prophets words came across as not in a happy place either. Thanks for being real, PB.
PB, you are so right about practicing gratitude as a spiritual discipline. The negative spiral is so tempting…. (why?)
In his Lenten devotional book, _A Season for the Spirit_ (Cowley Press), Rev. / Brother Martin Smith writes that for Lent we should take time every day to tell God that we love him/her (pronoun difficulties but you get the point).
This fits with your idea to spend the 40 days of Lent describing the good things in your life.
A few years ago I told myself and everyone that I was giving up despair for Lent. Part of the benefit was the telling of the plan.
Not that it’s always a good idea, but an electronic or news sabbath helps me a lot. I too (public school teacher) am upset about Wisconsin and lots of US and international news (I hear you about the misogyny!) and feel a news sabbath coming on. That will include ignoring — for a few days at least — the FB feed from all my fave lefty / progressive / angry organizations that keep me alert and active but also upset.
Someone wisely likened self-care to the airplane instructions: “Put on your own mask before helping others,” because if I’ve fainted from lack of oxygen, who’ll put the mask on my child?
I don’t think this can be repeated too much. So often what you say about clergy can be true for teachers too — if we are freaked out no one benefits.
We’re walking that thin balance between staying professional and keeping the crazies in the closet (show up ready to serve, not to get attention for your own needs) and being honest, too (cf another recent post: admitting when you are confused, feel mistaken, had a horrifying shock, etc.).
Salut, PB, and thanks for all the great posts today.
I try (and fail, but keep trying) to follow the model of the Psalms i.e. starting with rage/ despair etc but moving to asserting truths about God being sovereign and worth of trust/ worship etc.
I, too struggle with a Christian response to the overwhelming suffering and wrongness in the world. All I can do is do what I can then try to focus on comforting Bible passages about the darkness not overcoming the light etc.
Also, a historical perspective helps. We can look back on various horrors in the past and see that they have been overcome then reflect on what difference this thing will make in 50 or 100 years – might it all come out in wash? (as it were).
Blessings,
EJ
I have to agree with M. Although I am right with you on all the fashion advice, I think it needs to be delivered in a more loving/ humorous tone and with less judgment. Sure, I think some of my colleagues’ outfits look terrible, but they are lovely people. A particular mentor of mine dresses like she just stepped out of 1992, but she is my mentor and was very generous to me. It would be nice to recommend this blog to her knowing her faux pas would be treated gently.
I also want to comment on something others have touched on: the talking down toward and talking about young clergy in disparaging ways. People who are new to ministry come in all ages, all sizes, and from all backgrounds. Not all young people are clueless, and I think it’s not fair to constantly mistakes on youth. All people in formation for ministry have to start somewhere, regardless of age.
I have had many kind mentors and friends along the way who tolerated my immaturity and trusted that I would grow into a pastor. One of these people, who was one of my strongest critics, told me over dinner last week that she sees the pastor coming out more and more. She knows I’ll get there soon. I just feel that young people, like all people, could use the benefit of the doubt.
It strikes me that many of us come from traditions that value acceptance, yet some of the ungenerous things said in this space (blog and comments) show little grace for those who are couture- or etiquette-impaired. We do judge others based on their appearance… what does this do to our theology?
[I know this might sound defensive but I always wonder what people would say if they remembered that (1) this is a totally free site provided by a single, full-time pastor and graduate student VOLUNTEER (2) the author is on the phone and internet daily consulting with great care and love with literally every single person who writes to her. I have mentored hundreds of pastors of all ages. If you need me, I am there for you. So at this point I have to say… if it’s not your thing and you don’t like my tone, you’re not obligated to partake of the free advice (free to you, not to me). I don’t tread lightly on this blog. If I do, it doesn’t make the point strongly enough. I dole out tough love because I see a lot of resistance to my basic advice out there. This is my crusade, baby! – PB]
“consider that to be just as much a glory to God as suffering with the broken world”
PB this I think is where you nailed it! Amen sistah, peace to you. XXX
Just letting you know – you look absolutely GORGEOUS in that last picture … 🙂
[You are so very very nice! Thank you! – PB]