Beauty Tips for Ministers

Shhhh…. She’s Wighting!

Dearest pigeons of my heart,

If your noodgy stage mother PeaceBang does not get down to some disciplined writing this summer she will be very disappointed in herself. She has two big projects to work on: first, she needs to make some progress on her doctoral dissertation on the relevance of covenant in the 21st century church.

Second on PeaceBang’s big Writing Projects List is to get this blog into some kind of book form and to send something decent to publishers before September 1st or thereabouts.

These are big goals that will require me to focus, focus, focus, which means that I will not be contributing many — or perhaps any — more posts to this blog for awhile. There’s a treasure trove of information in the archives for you to peruse in the meanwhile, and I hope that you will.

Your prayers for my productivity are most welcome.

Kiss of peace, PB

[seen here outlining sermon topics for the coming year while on vacation in Provincetown, MA during the summer of 2006. Yes, that’s an Officially Unapproved Amount of Cleavage, but I was on vacation; in fact, in my jammies. — photo by Michael Hammond]

PeaceBang Festivaling In Minneapolis

Hello my darlings!

What a mini-sabbatical whirlwind it has been! I concluded my intensive course on the spiritual practice of discernment last night (I have two papers to write for the class, though, so can’t officially rejoice that I’ve finished all the coursework for my Doctor of Ministry degree…although I am definitely done with the being-at-school-in-class part, which both saddens and relieves me) and after one day to catch up, will be packing tomorrow for a week in Minneapolis.

I hope to see many of you at the Festival of Homiletics. You know what I look like — don’t be a stranger!! If you want to hook up for a consultation, e-mail me at victoria-dot-weinstein-at-gmail-dot-com and we can trade cell phone numbers.

Kiss of peace, PB

The Minister’s Significant Other

So LET’S TALK, kittens.

As you may recall, PeaceBang got bit by the love bug back in January and brought home more than seashells from her January vacation to Marco Island, Florida. After spending a mere four days together, she and a big, chubby hunk of a modern-day Viking named Greg decided to throw caution to the winds and he drove up the East Coast and straight to her parsonage.

When he finally got here, braving snow and ice and traffic galore, what did PeaceBang do? She threw her arms around him, helped him unpack his one duffel bag, guitar case and small knapsack (don’t you just LOVE a man who says he embraces voluntary simplicity and actually DOES?) and whispered in his ear, “Honey… let’s go to Macy’s.”

PeaceBang knew that her ocean-eyed sweetie’s wardrobe consisted of:
1. shorts
2. a grody pair of flip-flops
3. some jeans
4. a horrible, shapeless leather jacket (shhh, he thinks it’s cool)
5. maybe some other random shoe-type items that were on the verge of falling apart
6. some denim shirts, always worn untucked and distinctly unflattering to his, uh, figure

Much to her surprise, SweetieBang proved not only amenable to a trip to Macy’s but a darned good sport about letting her pick out clothes and finding some good buys himself. We found him several nice dressy shirts (with some mod factor to them, because he’s the opposite of preppy), one tweedy brown sports jacket and one camel corduroy one, some nice black Johnny Cash-like T-shirts and a few sweaters. We got everything at “wicked” sale prices, as they say here in Massachusetts. We are still arguing about pants (he was back in shorts as soon as the weather “warmed up” to 55 or so) but for a devoted minimalist who was living on an island in a bathing suit, I was amazed by his flexibility and willingness to accumulate more …(cue ominous music) possessions.

And I’ve created a monster. Last weekend HE wanted to go to Filene’s Basement to find a summer-weight blazer (!!!) and we went shoe shopping FOR HIM LAST NIGHT AND HE TOOK OVER AN HOUR TO PICK A PAIR OF SHOES. I know this is karma.

Why all the fuss? One reason, my friends: when SweetieBang arrived, he needed no convincing that he would now be a vaguely public figure in town and a major celebrity in our church, and he wanted to look the role. He understood without having to discuss it that he should dress nicely for church and for other events at which he would be accompanying me in an official capacity as Mr. Rev. PeaceBang. As big a change as it was for him (and I mean CHANGE - he grew up Jewish and is now a Buddhist, if anything) Greg instinctively knew that the Rev’s S.O. doesn’t show up at church in jeans and a fleece pullover, or in shorts and a floppy denim shirt. To do so would have been disrespectful and clueless.

It seems important to raise the subject now, because I’ve had two or three letters in the past week asking how one might spiff up one’s spouse, or how one might sensitively suggest to the pastor this his or her spouse is, quite frankly, woefully under-dressed for church. Both questions point to the reality that to be a minister’s partner is to be a public figure oneself, and that whether they want to or not, clergy spouses and partners need to put some thought into the matter of their clothing and grooming. Is this fair? Not necessarily, but it’s how it works in the real world. Ask my cousin, who was married for many years to a rabbi, what the expectations were of the rebbitzim; yes, even into the 21st century.

Clergy partners do not represent the church, but they do reflect on the health of the ministry. I remember one local colleague who was always nattily turned out himself, but whose wife always looked shoddy, hollow-eyed and unkempt. I knew there must be serious problems in that household. It turns out that my instincts were correct: he was dismissed from his denomination a few years after I made his acquaintance. Like it or not, the minister’s non-clergy significant other needs to be a good visual match with the minister and with the church. Both should take their cues from the congregation as to what constitutes “dressed up” for church and aim at least that high, with an extra spit-shine to communicate respect for the work and respect for the honor conferred upon them as spiritual leader and spiritual leader’s chief helpmate and emotional support.

You may ask, how would one sensitively broach the subject to Reverend Spouse that his or her attire is inappropriately informal, too hubba-hubba sexy, or whatever else the problem may be? Should the intervention be attempted by the Ministerial Relations Committee, for instance, and the expectation placed upon the clergyperson to tell his or her honeylamb, “Honeylamb, I love you, but they’re saying over to the church that you’re kindofa slob.” PeaceBang has no easy advice for this but to tread carefully and with tact, but not so much tact that no one knows what’s being said. Too much subtlety will never do. Don’t ask, “Gee, Rev., does your wife come straight to church from chopping wood/swimming at the gym/fixing the carburetor? I was just wondering.” The answer might be “Yes,” and a lot of ministers won’t think to inquire, “Why do you ask?” You know why? Two reasons. One, we have other things on our minds. Two, denial. Rev. might know exactly why you’re asking but not feel like dealing with it. Be direct.

Perhaps something like, “Pastor So-and-So, it didn’t escape my notice that you were wearing a tie and sports jacket to our stewardship dinner. That was so appropriate and so much appreciated, as it represented to me that you considered the event an important and formal affair even though it was held in our parish hall. To me, it really struck the right chord. This is hard for me to say, but did Mrs./Mr. Partner Pastor know that we were committed to making the dinner seem special? S/he was dressed so casually, I wasn’t sure.” Notice the use of “I” language here. Be very intentional about using “I” language UNLESS YOU ARE SURE that the distress about the pastor’s partner’s attire is truly a community concern. If so, say so.

Leave your inquiry open-ended. It may be that Mr. or Mrs. Pastor’s Partner thought they’d be helping out in the kitchen and chose to dress accordingly. Voila! If so, you have the perfect opportunity to discuss expectations of the minister’s partner and to allow your pastor to save some face (”Oh, how sweet of him/her to want to help with clean-up!! Does s/he know that we always keep a stack of sturdy aprons in the kitchen for just that reason?”).

Another tactic is for someone on the Ministry Committee to ask the pastor if their partner has had an opportunity to meet with other clergy spouses in the area or in the wider UUA. If the answer is no, they might say, “Oh, we hope that /she will. It seems to us that being a minister’s partner is almost as complicated as being a minister. Don’t you think that s/he would benefit from the camaraderie? We were thinking about recommending this to you because we have a concern about HoneyLamb that we hesitate to bring up because it seems so trivial, but it has come up several times in recent weeks and it seems only fair that we have an opportunity to talk about it.” Topic launched. This won’t be an easy discussion. But if it’s about being overly-casual in jeans and T-shirts, say so. If it’s about body odor, say so. If it’s about incredibly foul breath, say so (because there might be a health issue involved, and you’d be giving your pastor a chance to discuss that). If it’s about too much cleavage or bare, hairy chest, butt cleavage or chokingly heavy perfume or aftershave, say so. Your specificity can only help. Don’t drop coy hints and then drop the subject. The idea here is to find solutions to an anxiety-causing issue in the system, not to create more anxiety.

If there is no caring and trusted individual who might be deputized to raise the matter with the minister or his/her Significant Other and to give it a personal touch, the matter should be handled by the Ministerial Relations or equivalent committee, NOT by the board of trustees. To do the latter would be overkill and would imply that the minister’s employ is in some way threatened by his or her spouse’s bad sartorial choices. If the minister’s spouse causes problems on the policy level of the congregation, it is fair for the board to raise the matter as they would about any other member or friend of the church. But image and attire are private matters with a public dimension for clergy and their partners, and it seems to me that suggestions about a clergy partner cleaning up one’s act should come from the minister via a trusted individual or the Ministry Committee.

What say you, dear ones?

P.S. Greg still flatly refuses to own a tie. But I will prevail. God as my witness, I shall prevail in this.

PeaceBang’s Easter Joy

Darlings,
I brim with happiness to share with you the news that SweetieBang and I will be bringing home our new baby on Tuesday.
Read all about him here.

Festival of Homiletics

I got so much out of the Festival of Homiletics last year that even though my professional expense account is drying up very fast (D.Min. tuition, don’tchya know), I am going to attend again this year. I will be on a sabbatical month in May, so why the heck wouldn’t I?

Will you be there?
Would you like to schedule a consultation’?

Contact me for more information if you’re interested.

Kiss of peace! PB

Quick Comment Check

Sorry to Michael J. Tino, who wrote a wonderful comment about rings for same-sex couples that was accidentally deleted as spam, and to someone called “[name]isreadyforachange” who chimed in with a shout-out to Superju’s comment about Dorothy Day.

Apologies to you both. I tried to save your comments from the mondo spam pile but they got swept away despite my efforts.

Kiss, kiss, everyone. Happy Monday.