Last night while watching the Oscars with a group of friends (the worst Oscar telecast I can ever remember seeing, and I watch them religiously!) I remarked that it said a lot about Natalie Portman that she failed to thank her co-stars Mila Kunis and Barbara Hershey in her acceptance speech for Best Actress.
A female friend said something that I have heard a lot in recent years. She said, “Oh, she just has pregnancy brain.”
Hmm. My first response is to think, “Well, she was nominated months ago and she was a front-runner the whole time. Am I to assume that she put no thought into her acceptance speech? I don’t think so. Winning an Academy Award is the absolute highest achievement of any movie actress. Natalie P. has been in the business since she was a child. She was no dark horse in this race. As a professional actress, she should have carefully considered this important moment in her career and I assume, therefore, that she did. I do not attribute her omission to some enfeebling of the brain brought about by pregnancy but by either nerves or just choice.”
So what are we saying when we casually throw around terms like “pregnancy brain?”
What we are really saying is that pregnancy is a detriment to female intelligence.
Is that something any of us want to claim?
After everything our foremothers have been through to fight against the notion that women are dim creatures best governed by men, don’t we owe them more than to toss around expressions like “pregnancy brain?” Wouldn’t you want to sock a man if he dared to say that? Sure you would. Then why is it okay for women to throw it around?
I strongly encourage you all to read Carol Tavris’ excellent and insightful book, The Mismeasure of Woman. Another good one is Barbara Ehrenreich’s For Her Own Good: Two Centuries of the Experts’ Advice to Women. The Tavris book really changed my life.
A few years ago I got jumped on by a bunch of minister mothers for saying that there was NO excuse whatsoever for a clergy woman to show up to officiate at a funeral looking disheveled with her stole completely askew and her hair thrown up in a clip and looking a mess. Even though none of us knew if that particular young woman minister HAD children or not, those mamas attacked me in sisterly solidarity with a hypothetical mom! I held my ground. I said, and I maintain, that it takes literally 60 to 120 seconds to check a mirror or to take a few deep breaths and check our robes, stoles and hair before we leave our robing room to preside.
Even if we are skidding, out of breath, from caring for a sick child who has barfed all over us to the church, we still owe it to the deceased and their families (or to the couple getting married, or to the worshiping congregation) to take those brief moments to compose ourselves before officiating at any rite of passage or worship service.
That’s called being a professional.
It’s being aware and responsible.
It is not inflicting our sense of crisis and frantic energy to the people whom we have been called — and are being paid — to serve.
Because I assume that women at any stage of their fertility or child-rearing are capable of being responsible professionals and refuse to believe that are deprived of our intellect or common sense due to menstruation, menopause or gestation, I try very hard not to use terms like “pregnancy brain” or “PMS.” Human beings are complicated microorganisms. We are all — whatever our biological gender — under the influence of hormones, life changes, physical transformations (beware, too, of over-using “senior moment!”) and the aging process all our lives. While pregnancy certainly affects the brain, it is not, for many women, a debilitating condition. When we encourage the perception of pregnancy as a disease or hindrance of our cognitive functioning, we are playing right into sexist assumptions and very old, entrenched views of women as the “weaker sex.”
This has been your friend PeaceBang with a consciousness-raising reminder: Chicks do not lose their brains when they have a bun in the oven. Please consider how casual usage of expressions like “pregnancy brain” promote the idea that they do. Thanks for reading.
It would be super cool if moms would post comments about things they achieved while pregnant. I really think we’re in an era of scaring the crap out of pregnant women : don’t eat this, don’t do that, this is dangerous, don’t go there, don’t don’t don’t. The old paternalism is very much alive and well and with us.
The lovely Miss Portman and her ugly curtain tassel earrings by Tiffany.
I was in college the entire pregnancy and graduated 2 weeks before my son was born. Fast forward many years–his wife graduated cum laude at 7 months’ gestation.
And I read somewhere today about a former child actor who was awarded her Ph.D in neuroscience while “very pregnant.”
I was a single mom from the time my son was 1. I went to seminary when he was 13, a most difficult time for both of us.
There is NO EXCUSE for showing up a wreck. This is why I have a prayer with my liturgist before going into worship, and why I have a mirror in my robe closet. If I can’t check myself properly (and there are days), I ask someone else to make sure I’m put together. Thanks for your brave comments.
I agree with your second point but not your first. I had great memory for detail before I was pregnant with my son. Pregnancy and the sleepless nights for the last 4 years have almost killed me. I can hardly remember a thing now. Church announcements? If it’s not written down, forget it. Add someone to the prayer list? Better put it in my iPhone notes. Really, PB, this can be real for a lot of women. [I’m sorry if I seemed to suggest that it wasn’t real. I know it is. What I am trying to point out is that it matters how we frame this reality. Is it life, or is it some sort of female-disabling disorder, you know what I mean? – PB]
I started my Ph.D. courses while pregnant with my first, took my Ph.D. qualifying exams while pregnant with my second, and wrote a disseration with both of them out of the womb and in my office.
Pregnancy does temporarily impact a woman’s ability to complete tasks, her mental acuity, her vocabulary, etc. I don’t see how it’s a feminist argument to pretend as though that’s not true. Didn’t make me a babbling idiot, but it did make me somewhat less able to focus, a phenomenon for which I compensated by working harder and taking as much care of myself as possible. [Right! Because women are strong and can do this! – PB]
I’m a mother and a professional, and most days I do both of those things reasonably well, plus I take care to dress the part (… of the professional. My mom clothes are significantly more casual.) Some days are better than others; that’s the magic of being a human being. I would rather see us all address the issue of how our social structures fail to support families and single people and elders and the young than focus on one mother or father or daughter or son or…. who might be having a less than stellar day.
Of course pregnant women and mothers can be competent professionals. But like all other human beings, they need a network of support and care to maintain those roles well. [You just reminded me that I owe a visit to a new mom in my congregation. And I couldn’t agree more. – PB]
I’m not wild about the casualness with the term is thrown around, either. However, as a currently pregnant woman, I can attest that there is some brain chemistry stuff (and other hormonal stuff) that changes during (and, apparently, after) pregnancy. And there is some data to suggest this happens, though it’s not clear what is the actual cause. This may be due to different sleep patterns, hormonal changes, etc.
Many have attributed my poorer memory these days to “pregnancy brain” in cutting me slack. *sigh* It’s nice, but probably not necessary. I don’t think I’m that much more forgetful than usual – there might be some difference but probably not statistically very significant. (Others may have other experiences, so I’m just speaking for myself here.)
I am shooting far less from the hip these days so as not to forget that stuff – if she knew about “pregnancy brain,” she would have done well to write a little note just in case.
But I will be charitable and say that I hope it was just mostly nerves + perhaps a little bit of hormones (the surges of which can be pretty impressive, though obviously not an excuse for poor behavior).
I would agree that any minister should appear at a graveside, or in any other public function, looking professional. Also, I have doubts about whether the failure to do that can be laid at the door of children. I was an active minister for most of my years mothering my now adult child, and I am pretty sure that I always showed up in presentable fashion.
I wonder, though, if the question itself would ever be raised about a male minister. What about the men who show up with wrinkled suits, mismatched jackets and pants, greasy hair and bad breath? I know everyone will say, “That’s just as bad!” but do we really believe that? If so, why don’t we talk about it? [I do when I see it, I promise you! Check the archives! -PB]
Sorry PB, I have to agree with Joie and LiturgyGeek. This is very real for many women, myself included. And I don’t think it is a matter of losing our brains as you put it, it’s just that this particular cocktail of hormones has that effect on many women. In fact, it’s very like having an actual cocktail or two, but without the fun of drinking it. [As I said to LG, I’m sorry if I seemed to suggest that it’s not real. What I was trying to do was say that it is important how we frame this reality: is it life that women are perfectly capable of managing, or is it some enfeebling disorder visited upon the female of the species? – PB]
Here’s my take: Women may very well have some physical challenges that men don’t. Some things change. Maybe it is lack of sleep. Maybe it is multi-focussing. Maybe it is hormones.
My dear mother told me early on that it was NEVER cool to blame anything I did or didn’t do on hormones. They may be real, but they aren’t responsible. We are. So we aren’t perfectly on the top of our game 100% of the time. Who is? Not any man I know, that’s for sure.
Here’s the cross-stitch motto from Way Back in the Day when there weren’t too many women professionals and certainly not very many women clergy:
A woman has to do a job twice as well as a man to be thought half as good. Luckily that isn’t difficult.
OK. 30 years later it comes across a little hostile to our men friends – and I LOVE the men friends! – but you get the idea.
No “pregnancy brain” excuses for self or others.
This feels to me like an unhelpful conflation of two very different points. I couldn’t agree more that there’s no excuse for the lack of professional attention that you describe in the funeral officiant. But memory lapses are a scientifically-documented, bona fide symptom of pregnancy that affects many pregnant women. I was just reassured of this fact by my doctor’s office last week, after I most uncharacteristically forgot–in the span of 4 days–an important meeting, a therapy session, and my first appointment with my midwife (egads). You say in the comments that you didn’t intend to suggest that this isn’t real, but re-reading your post again, that’s exactly what I hear. I hear “Pregnancy’s no excuse for forgetfulness! Just work harder, ladies, to make sure that doesn’t happen!”
[No. That isn’t what I said. I said, “Why do WOMEN undermine pregnant women’s authority and professionalism by crowing, “OOh, pregnancy brain” when a pregnant woman — who is perfectly capable of, say, penning a note to herself if she wants to remember something — is forgetful? I didn’t say it wasn’t real, I said it wasn’t a disease or disorder, but is a natural part of life. – PB]
And it isn’t that simple. Yes, once you suffer an egregious slip (like forgetting your midwife appt, or failing to thank a co-star) you realize that it’s an issue, and you can take steps to prevent it in the future. But the issue is real, and you don’t that it’s happening until it’s happened.
And, if what has you so incensed is truly the framing, can you say more about what makes the simple, straightforward acknowledgment that “she has pregnancy brain” such a terrible frame? What frame would you prefer? I MUCH prefer that frame to your implication that acknowledging the reality of “pregnancy memory lapses” is somehow tantamount to calling women are “enfeebled.” I can only speak for myself, but as a pregnant minister, I find that WAY more insulting.
My *brain* didn’t suffer while I was pregnant (I was working at the public library at the time) but a lot of my physical tasks became more difficult towards the end: searching for items on low shelves, anything that required a lot of walking, etc.
Now, after my son was born and I suddenly developed bad insomnia while at the same time caring for a newborn… *that* was when I lost my mind! I literally could not do simple addition for about the first 8 months.
I agree that there’s no excuse for Natalie Portman- as you say, she had plenty of time to think about that speech and probably some input from friends and colleagues- but I also think that saying we can manage perfectly well is misleading. Something always ends up getting sacrificed and it’s usually several hours of Mom’s sleep per night. More and more working moms are relying heavily on Red Bull and similar drinks.
Women in general are under way too much stress and that’s why our rates of depression and heart disease are so high.
The first two funerals I ever did were actually while I was pregnant with my 2nd. I was very conscientious of the way I appeared since I wanted to be sure that people were seeing me in the role of pastor and not just as some disheveled preggo wearing black.
It did seem to me that I got more forgetful during that time–but that’s why I made sure I was well prepared and as rested as a soon-to-be mom of two can be.
Can kiddos come up with some pretty crazy surprises for us? You bet! But taking just two or three minutes so you can come out composed and put together–and be pastoral for those who are grieving, celebrating, worshipping, etc.? Worth it!
Thirty years ago, I was working as a news reporter at a TV station when I was pregnant with my first child. In 1980, I caught a lot of flack from men for working while I was pregnant and I could never have used anything pregnancy-related as an excuse for a mistake in my work. I would have been a laughingstock. My appearance had to be TV-ready at all times, including 3 inch heels; I had to help lug the heavy equipment to news scenes up until the day before I had the baby. I knew that if I ever attempted to get out of anything because of being pregnant, it would be at a huge cost to my credibility as a professional. Oh…and I had to put up with men slapping my butt and commenting on how big my boobs were with pregnancy because this was before anyone ever heard of sexual harrassment.
So…all this is to say that I have mixed feelings about terms like pregnancy brain. I’m grateful that things are different for my 30-year old daughter who now has 4 children and that she doesn’t have to prove the same things I did. I agree with your views, PB, about this issue of language and the implications – AND – sometimes we need to cut ourselves a little slack. However, proper dressing and grooming for professional situations is never negotiable.
Christian Bale apparently forgot to thank his wife, but he doesn’t have pregnancy brain! [Yes, he did.Not that it matters. – PB]
I would imagine – that if you don’t have it written down (or even if you do; I sometimes have trouble reading anything that’s not type written when I’m frazzled/high strung) – you can forget ANYTHING up there.
Or maybe she just didn’t want to thank them?
You say, “I assume that women at any stage of their fertility or child-rearing are capable of being responsible professionals and refuse to believe that are deprived of our intellect or common sense due to menstruation, menopause or gestation…”
You may refuse to believe it all you want, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true for some of us. Perimenopause had me at times feeling totally crazy, and some days I literally couldn’t think rationally. Those were the days I was grateful for a liberal sick time policy at work. If they’d known what they were missing by my staying home, they would have been grateful, too!
It looks to me like you’re blaming women for being affected by biology. No, we’re not being willful or lazy or unprofessional when we’re knocked off our pins by chemicals racing through our bodies and our brains. I really wish you were more willing to empathize and show more compassion. [See my comments to other readers who also assume that I am denying the reality of these biological changes. I’m not. I’m saying that it matters how we frame them. Normal life, or disease? – PB]
Jane, thank you for saying this: “I also think that saying we can manage perfectly well is misleading.”
I feel like that really gets at the heart of what has me so frustrated about this post. I feel like I’m trying my best as a pregnant minister to manage my responsibilities, and keep everything running smoothly. I think I’m doing a damned good job. Like most women do. Because I’m made of tough stuff. Like most women are. So when, as I’m trying so hard to get everything afloat, someone acknowledges the particular complications that my pregnancy is putting on my life and my calling right now, I receive that as a tremendous gift of empathy and support and respect. I really do.
In contrast I feel like this post just ups the ante, in terms of expectations for pregnant women, in a most unhelpful way. Now, not only do I need to keep everything afloat, but I need to do it while resolutely denying that I’m being affected in any way by everything that’s happening inside my body right now. Because to be honest about that would be “enfeebling” and would “play right into sexist assumptions.”
Sigh.
I think she was probably very nervous.
Also, pregnancy brain(put more politely) does happen as you concentrate more on protecting the life within you as opposed to the outside world. It does not happen to everyone and is impossible to explain to someone who has never had a baby.
Sorry if this double-posts–I think my computer ate my first attempt.
I wanted to add that I appreciate Jane’s comment that “saying we can manage perfectly well is misleading.”
I think that gets at the heart of what I find so frustrating about this post. I feel like as a pregnant minister I’m trying my best to keep everything organized, and under control, and running smoothly. I think I’m doing a damned good job. Like most women do. Because I’m made of tough stuff. Like most women are. And when, as I’m trying so hard to manage everything, someone acknowledges the particular complication that my pregnancy is adding to my life and my work, I receive that as a tremendous gift of empathy and support and respect. I really do.
This post, in contrast, feels to me like it’s just upping the ante, in terms of expectations on pregnant women, in a most unhelpful way. Now, instead of just getting everything right, I need to get everything right while also pretending that that I’m not being affected in any way by what’s happening inside my body. Because to be honest about that would somehow be “enfeebling” and would “play right into sexist assumptions.”
And again I will say: if it’s truly the framing that so problematic here, what framing, that acknowledges what is a biological reality for many, would you suggest? You say this should be framed as “normal life”, not a disease, and I think that’s exactly what “pregnancy brain” acknowledges.
[Sorry that I just found your earlier post in the spam filter!! To answer your question, because I have too often heard the “pregnancy brain” remark used in such a patronizing and dismissive way, I am trying not to use it. I think that people who have never been pregnant and can’t get pregnant are especially not allowed to use it! 🙂 If I heard someone say that about a pregnant woman in her professional setting I would self-righteously say, “She doesn’t have ‘pregnancy brain,’ there’s no such thing. She’s a pregnant woman whose brain is fine.” If I was with a group of friends, though, I might laugh and throw a napkin at the commenter AND the pregnant friend. I know pregnancy affects the brain! It just rubs me way the wrong way when that fact is used to diminish a woman’s standing. Most women I know are far more capable and intellectually impressie even with “pregnancy brain” than others are without it. Context is all. – PB]
I agree that pregnancy should not (at least not automatically) be seen as a disease, but rather a normal part of life. That said, I was extremely absent minded while pregnant to the point that my midwife was very worried about my safety. I threw up 8/9 months ALL DAY LONG. My lunch hour at work consisted of 45 minutes of sleeping and 10 minutes of barfing. You do the math on how much I ate (and where that food ended up). I was went to the bathroom to barf once an hour and napped during a 15 min. afternoon break that no one else bothered to take. Once I had additional children, I forgot to buckle them in their carseats and forgot to pick them up from childcare. Natural, unmedicated childbirth was a cakewalk after the nine months of hell (times three) that we call pregnancy. While pregnancy is not a disease, for some of us it is down right debilitating and it is anti-feminist to try to downplay the very real difficulties that often come bearing a human being into this world.
A commenter on my Facebook page made the same point as SarahC about the body focusing on protecting the life within, which I have witnessed and need no persuading is powerful and real. I just want to say that I am so upset right now about the swerve back to the right the Congress is taking in regards to reproductive rights that I’m just super-touchy. It makes me want to rally all women together to say “WE DO NOT NEED THIS INTERFERENCE AND PATERNALISTIC, SEXIST, MISOGYNISTIC LEGISLATION.” I’m tired and angry of seeing women treated like ninnies.
You make some interesting points. I will have to mull this over a little more before I can decide if I totally agree or not. I have read your follow up post, and I definitely agree that it should be one of those ‘between girls’ things. I would like to think of a similar pithy saying, to express that my attention and brain power is far more divided than it used to be. I have a wonderful husband who shares a lot of the work of our home and family, but honestly, he’s the primary bread winner, and I’m the primary child carer. ahem. I had another point but it has flown out of my brain. I may be back…
When I was in grad school there was another student who was pregnant and made a big show of commenting on how she got a 4.0 her first semester of grad school while pregnant. Now that I’ve had kids I wonder what happened to her grade point after the kids were born. Sleep deprivation is a terrible thing for brain functioning.
Microorganisms? I hope you meant organisms. [Okay, I did. Wouldn’t have caught that. – PB]
I have to say that I was actually quite impressed with Ms Portman’s ability to remember as many people as she did last night. She included many more support people than most ever do pregnant or not. While it doesn’t excuse the gaffe-remembering that many people with no notes ought be be acknowledged as gracious. I suspect that she did prepare for that speech, but preparation doesn’t always lead to perfection.
At home we called it the “uterine steal”–the imaginary blood vessel that draws blood from everywhere else (including the brain!) to the fetus. Well, it doesn’t really exist, but I felt distracted when pregnant, all 3 times, while a copyeditor, then in law school and last as a newish lawyer. Now I’m well beyond those years. Lesson: make lists, write on your hand, jot it down. It’s good practice for later in life, when we become distracted again.
I agree with you, PB. I worked a more-than-full-time job while pregnant, while co-parenting a child with some serious emotional difficulties. At the same time, my father was dying of ALS (Lew Gehrig’s Disease). I managed to put myself together, do my work, tend to my family, be as present as I could for my parents, and not look like I combed my hair with an egg beater. I not only felt this was expected of me, I also expected it of myself.
I thought Natalie Portman wore pretty much the best dress of the evening (yes, the earrings were just bogus). She looked fabulous. She was composed. The slip — and it’s big — was in not thanking her colleagues, on whose shoulders she had stood, on the way to her award. I pray that she spent yesterday writing personal thank you letters to all those whose names she forgot during her speech.
We seem a little stuck here. PB writes, Chicks do not lose their brains when they have a bun in the oven; some readers respond, “Oh, yes we do”; PB says, “I’m not denying the biological reality of hormones”; more people write with more examples of the idiocies that result from hormone surges and sleep deprivation . . . Here’s the bigger picture I see.
Feminism made a serious wrong turn when it tried to deny the impact of any biological difference. We were so terrified of being put in a box on account of our bodies (the “women can’t be President–imagine someone with PMS with her finger on the button” BS) that we denied our bodies had any impact at all. This is patently false and ultimately counterproductive. For example: a “close friend” of mine is a bitch on wheels the 24 hours before my period. If she pays attention to her cycle, she can remember what’s going on and say “Oh, right, that’s why I’m bursting into tears when the copier doesn’t work, and that’s why I want to scream at my wife,” and compensate, instead of checking myself (oops, I mean herself) into a mental hospital or calling a divorce attorney.
We should be wary of reducing anyone to their physical being. But, (a), it is a part of who we are, and (b), I can’t remember (b) because I have a three-year-old, or because I have insomnia, or maybe for some other reason. Seriously, I can’t. Oh well.
If “pregnancy brain,” like “senior moment,” is invoked (as it usually is) as a way to say “cut the person some slack, we all have bodies and they play havoc with our minds sometimes,” that’s not a bad thing.
Something we ministers might be able to offer stars is advice on how to stand up in a moment of giddying emotion and remember everything you were planning to say. We know something about that. (My advice would be: write it down. Their stage-actor colleagues would no doubt have other tips.)
She looked miserable on the Red Carpet. I didn’t see her acceptance.
It does seem to me that our culture concurrently idolizes pregnancy and childbirth and insists that neither gestation nor childrearing get in the way of the “important” stuff (ie professionalism). It is a huge, unfair burden we place on mothers by not really valuing parenthood as a vocation that takes time away from other important adult tasks.
I don’t know why she didn’t thank those she left out, but I had the thought early in the evening that she should have been able to stay at home.
[YES! What is with this baby fetish and obsession with “bumps!?” This country is obsessed with celebity pregnancies but the well-being of actual children after they’re born remains a very negligible concern. – PB]
Let me get this straight. A woman blogger says that pregnant women shouldn’t have their intelligence insulted with a demeaning expression and then gets told by a bunch of pregnant women that they WANT to be insulted? That’s what I hear here. You don’t want to be denied your right to be considered stupid and air brained mommies? Okay you win. You convinced me.
This is why mothers will never be taken seriously in leadership. You even insult the people who stand up for you.
Once, while I was in Divinity School, I had a therapist make a terrible slip while talking to me. It was simply awful. When, the next week, she apologized, but asked that I forgive her, as she was very pregnant and very hormonal. She assured me that what she had said did not reflect what she really thought, but was a product of her hormone soup. I was outraged: her comment undermined my trust in her and the suggestion that I forgive her because of her hormones raised, for me, the question of why, if her hormones were causing her to be less good at her job, she was continuing to charge the same amount. If women want to be assumed to be as capable as men, despite the fact that they do things like have pregnancy, then they simply have to do their jobs as well as men do–or as well as they do when they are not pregnant. Otherwise, they 1) give evidence to support the idea that women are to subject to their bodies to have careers and 2) let down people who are depending on them to be good at their jobs. I am not saying that pregnancy does not have real effects. I am saying that it is the professional’s job to make sure that those effects do not undermine their ability to do the job. I have no problem with someone lecturing while sitting down and doing so from more extensive notes because pregnancy has sapped memory, I have a problem with a crappy lecture. (I am an academic, not a minister, hence the teaching parallel.)