Beauty Tips for Ministers

SJP in HDTV: PB Dishes The Oscars

Well, pigeons, I thought I was uninterersted in the Oscars this year. I hadn’t seen any of the big nominated films (I did see “Up” and I saw one hour of “Avatar in 3-D” before developing a splitting headache and terrible nausea that caused me to tumble out of the packed theatre like a pachyderm with morning sickness) and I just thought I could skip it. But then my beau suggested that he cook dinner and make popcorn and watch the Oscars with me, which was such a lovely and generous thing to offer that I HAD to take him up on it (the analogy would be me acting like I understand football in order to spend Superbowl evening with him).

And then it was like a drug that went straight into my bloodstream. I was immediately sucked in by the Barbara Walters Special and then sat glued to the red carpet, obsessively commenting on every gown and outfit. And the make-up! WHO MAY WE BLAME for the prevalence of screaming tomato red lipstick on this year’s female nominees? Good Lord, the glorious Sandra Bullock was upstaged by HER OWN MOUTH.

Ditto for Cameron Diaz, who almost made it to Grown-Up Movie Star Status in her lovely gown, but who still has the bearing of a surfer girl no matter what she’s wearing.

Meryl. Helen. Divoon.
Mr. Clooney, visit your barber.
Miley Cyrus, stand up straight.
Mo’nique. Own it. LOVE it.
Charlize Theron. How could you let that happen? I took one look at your gown and remembered that line from “Carrie” about “dirty pillows.”
Hilary Swank. You finally figured out how to do glamour, but I liked you better before.

The moment when I died, though, actually totally LOST IT, was when Sarah Jessica Parker appeared in her insane Dracula buns, leathery, lined, overtanned smoker’s face (Garnier should dump her as a spokeswoman for their skin care line, honestly. Don’t they think we know how much she needs to be airbrushed for those ads?) and HIDEOUS fondue-party era frock. I don’t have HDTV in my own home and let me tell you, it is not SJP’s friend. I was dumbfounded.
Her hub, Matthew Broderick, looked pained just standing next to his fashion icon wife, and I don’t think it was just his oily hair causing him to look that embarrassed (nice tribute to John Hughes, though). It wasn’t really the dress that upset me. It was the terrible, terrible skin damage that smoking has caused to this wonderfully talented woman. Please SJP, quit. You have three children. Yes, you might gain a few pounds if you stop smoking. But that would be a GOOD thing. And you wouldn’t have to wear thirty pounds of eyeliner and faux-tanner if you stopped smoking. Your face would come back alive because of that really helpful thing called, you know, oxygen.

I think I love HDTV, though. How else would I ever have known that Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz have crow’s feet?

Overall, I thought the show was a monumental bore that I couldn’t get through. I’m thrilled for “The Hurt Locker,” though, and for my dearly beloved Jeff Bridges. I’ve always liked Sandra Bullock, too, and her speech was darling.

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McQueen is Dead, Long Live McQueen

What a shame. Alexander McQueen was a fabulous designer. He died at 40 in what appears to be a suicide. Thanks for the memories, Lee. You certainly made your mark in a very short time on earth. We forgive you for that horrid tartan frock you did on SJP a few years ago, because you were fun. You did all that structural and angular stuff. You designed those insanely wackadoodle shoes. You were a DIVA. May you be at peace now.

Cameron Diaz in a McQueen design.

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Thus is “Fashion”

The reason PeaceBang prefers to speak in terms of “image” and “polish” and being “put-together” rather than “fashion” is because this is actually considered fashion nowadays:

Look at designer Max Azria grinning like a big billionaire goofhead down in the lower right-hand corner. THANKS A LOT, Mr. Azria. Now we can look forward to young women in teeny clingy togas and ankle-breaking gladiator shoes causing us to break out into nervous sweats when they sit down at an outdoor cafe.
I’m going to start carrying a modesty scarf. “Young lady, until you learn how to sit very carefully in that dress, please use this.”

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“What Not To Wear” : Clergy Edition

AUUUUUGH!!! NO!!!!!!

Are you KIDDING me, Stacey and Clinton? Putting a scoop-neck shiny patterned bar-hopping shirt OVER a clerical collar? Putting a priest in an above-the-knee, shiny, ANIMAL PRINT skirt?
A way-too-snug light gray suit?

They’re saying all the right things and putting that poor girl in hideous clothes.

Sorry I didn’t live-blog this, darlings.
My overall sense so far is that this is a bit of a fail.

9:45 pm. The make-up and hair are fabulous.

“It feels good to finally bring out that I’m a leader.” – Emily (yay, Emily)

When she walks in in her purple trench and dark, fitted jeans and fun yellow cardigan, I think “Whoa! Fun!” She’s going to look very young in that, but at least she’s willing to be NOTICED. The grey suit is cool. “Modern, religious and relatable.” I don’t love the flippy big hair, and I don’t love the shiny shirt but wow, what an improvement over the first outfit they showed with this shirt. The dress with the blue strikes me as a bit matronly (okay, a lot), but she’s got much better sense of what works than she did before.

“A wardrobe that serves her parishioner and her social life.” AMEN!

So how can you collar-wearers get one of those custom-made collars? They look terrific.

9:58 Eeek. She didn’t walk into the room, she shlumped into the room. Couldn’t they have re-shot her entrance? I hope Emily learns to stand and speak with a little more confidence (and lose the “like” verbal tic that plagues the speech of too many of us). The lavender dress was pretty but didn’t fit in the bosom. I thought the gold necklace was cheap and tawdry looking, the pewter heels did not work very well (I would suggest a strappy sandal), and the fat sausage curls very girlish and inappropriate. Comb those puppies out for a soft wave! I think the look was fine for a sexy date but not at all appropriate for a young professional who wants to be taken seriously. I’m glad Emily embraced her beauty and her lovely figure, but the TLC team failed to help her find a middle ground between young n’ sexy and priestly and professional. A little tip, clergy (and everyone else): ONE shiny object per outfit, please!! Not three!!

However, a HUGE improvement over the schlumpy, invisible kid we saw in the secret videos. Having been to St. Louis, I know that the women have a great sense of fashion there. Emily’s make-over has started her in the right direction. She’s a beautiful, articulate woman.

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“What Not To Wear” Clergy Edition!

Hi bon-bons!

SO many of you have written to let me know that TLC will be airing an episode of “What Not To Wear” this Friday during which they make over a young, beautiful Episcopal priest.
Who doesn’t love an hour with Stacey and Clinton and Carmindy the Make-Up Artist with the light touch? And Nick, with his fabulous accent and magical ability to turn dead, frumpola hair into a sleek, shining drape of layered sexiness?

I don’t know what I’ll be doing on Friday night but I DO know that my DVR will be set to RECORD. On second thought, since I don’t have plans yet, maybe I will LIVE BLOG the episode. Oooh, goodie! I wonder if I can get my beau to hang with me while I do so, if I promise to tolerate some of the SuperBowl for him?

See you there, pigeons!
And special kisses to our Piskie friend, whose life is about to get way more interesting in the aftermath of starring in a TV show!

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Katie’s Globe Slam

PeaceBang forgot to watch the Golden Globes last night and is a bit depressed about it. I LOVE Ricky Gervais and I LOVE the Globes and what was I thinking? Or doing? You know, I can’t even remember.

ANYWAY, Katie wrote a really fun red carpet review here and I just had the most fun reading it and looking at all the gownies. I disagree with her on a lot of things (Meryl Streep’s belt being one) but it’s a fun commentary and was almost as good as being there.

It’s a guilty pleasure that doesn’t take long. Go. Indulge. We won’t tell.

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