I recently officiated at the memorial service of a very dear and important lady of our congregation. After the service, a colleague greeted me saying, “You did such a great job. Of course we were all watching you so closely, because you’ve taught some of us how to lead worship.”
Ouch.
Clergy, please be incredibly careful when and where you pay technique compliments to another colleague. For one thing, your colleague may have been quite emotionally involved with the rite of passage they have just observed, in which case it is far more thoughtful to say simply, “I think you did a lovely job today. And I’m sorry for this loss to your congregation” than to high-five them for their great job. If you want to write your colleague an admiring note later about how they aced the prayer or whatever, that would be nice and I’m sure they would appreciate it. However, PeaceBang thinks that there is nothing tackier than clergy congratulating each other for their awesome “performance” after a religious service. Of course we do it, but please, please… do it in private or over the phone the next day. Lay people should never, ever overhear ministers doing a post-mortem– however positive– of a worship service they have just participated in. Keep the shop talk out of the church. Or if you must exude your praise, do it like the old pros do it — when no laypeople are around, or briefly and tactfully.
We all love praise, but there’s a time and a place. And that time and place is way out of earshot of the grieving, please.
Merciful God in heavens, your fellow CLERGY say that to you? I have actually gotten many compliments on my funeral services from laypeople, to which I often respond with thanks and something along the order of, “It is easy to commend such a one to God’s care, though I miss her terribly.” (Though not usually so gracefully, I confess)
But never something like that from clergy. And I promise I only ever tell the clergy at whose funerals I attend that it was a lovely service – even if it is not. Post-mortems AT the ceremony – ugh!