Dearest bun-buns,
I received a troubling e-mail today in response to my earlier post about hating this weather, which is chilly but humid. The writer, an older woman, alerted me to the fact that I might be having perimenopausal symptoms, as sensitivity to the weather is one of the signs. Something my “Mum hadn’t told me about,” she suggested. I wonder if this writer thinks I’m living under a rock with no proximity to menopausal women?
The writer went on to say that herbs had done wonders for her own trip down Menopause Lane and mentioned that black cohosh and wild yam had been of great help and aid to her.
I want to be kinder than I feel about this, but I am going to post my concerns here because this letter provides a perfect example of two serious problems among caregivers (with a side feminist concern for free credit):
1. Projection, or “I know how you feel because I went through it.” Not a good idea. Advice given when one jumps to conclusions is not good advice and almost never welcome.
2. Diagnosing is a very unwise thing to do with someone you have never met, and almost never acceptable to do even for people you think you do know well. We should avoid it. However, even more dangerous than diagnosing is prescribing. Even in the “optative voice,” (which my writer thought would be less offensive to me) it is irresponsible to suggest to a potentially vulnerable person that they ingest anything as dangerous as potent herbal remedies (and considering herbs as “harmless little ole plants” is a major error in itself!!). Black cohosh, for instance, is an abortificiant and could cause terrible harm to a pregnant woman.
Extra Credit Feminist Concern
Menopause is part of a woman’s life and not all women experience it as a disease needing treatment. Read The Mismeasure of Woman by Carol Tavris and For Her Own Good by Barbara Ehrenreich for a history of the medical industry’s lucrative pathologizing of menopause and menstruation.
If someone complains that she is warm when it’s chilly or chilly when it’s hot or craving chocolate or feeling homicidal, throwing up in the morning and craving pickles, let her be the one to share where she is on her reproductive life cycle, or not.
And please, be very careful with herbal remedies. They are serious medicine.
These are good points, especially regarding herbal medicine. (I winced when I read “black cohosh” because it’s rather potent; one indeed could lose a baby.) Herbal medicine can be subtle, but can also be very potent, and ought to be regulated and tailored to your needs by a doctor or trained healer when taken in high doses. Such doctors can be found working for small token fee at reputable Chinese drugstores.
Maybe the lady was presumptuous, but she was likely acting out of concern and trying to relate through that concern. She’s right that many young women these days don’t know about signs of the Change. Sometimes the best response is a smile and thank for advice, even if it’s irrelevent or even irreverent.
I hope your health gets better. [Thanks, Shufei, but my health is fine! That’s what I mean. There’s no need to be concerned when someone merely mentions that the weather is sticky and chilly. Oy vey! ;-)- PB]
“If someone complains that she is warm when it’s chilly or chilly when it’s hot or craving chocolate or feeling homicidal, throwing up in the morning and craving pickles, let her be the one to share where she is on her reproductive life cycle, or not.”
One of the benefits of being a man — acknowledged — that I’ve experienced all of these and have never had them diagnosed as anything, much less “gentleman problems”.
blue cohosh, a completely different plant, causes uterine contractions and is therefore classed as an abortifacient. Black Cohosh is widely used to help ease hot flashes, but does not cause uterine contractions.
[That may be true, but it sure can cause hemorrhaging, and I know this for a fact. Not to be messed with. – PB]
My favorite advice for this, and it came from my doctor is: If you are cold wear a sweater, I don’t care what the other people are wearing! If you are cold wear a sweater. [Just poking a bit of fun at ya, kiddo, but I bet you didn’t really need a doctor to tell you this!!! – PB]
You have to love advice like this. I am on the perimenopause runway and find that awareness (that I might be extra moody and unable to tolerate the ignorant folk) helps me along… [I’ve been moody and unable to tolerate fools all my life, so that shouldn’t change with menopause. – PB]
don’t get me started on the people who diagnose me pregnant because I am fat. I must be always having a symptom around them! Grrrr.
Excellent post. And, let’s not forget, herbal remedies are not tested for safety by the FDA and you do not know how pure they are, etc. Extra caution is in order.
I’ve learned that my buttons totally get pushed with another (typically older, but not necessarily) woman prescribes or patronizes me, or tries to take care of me when I’ve asked for nothing of the sort. When I was the mother of babies I totally fell into this trap, giving un-asked for nursing advice to anyone who fell within earshot. I’m extra careful now to answer the freaking question that has been asked, and respond to the actual thing someone says. Last I checked, to do otherwise is pretty codependent to use the lingo of pop psychology. [The psychology term that comes to my mind is also “PROJECTION!!” – PB]