… yours, that is, as you calmly retain your composure while someone else (Wedding Coordinator, anyone?) does their level best to turn the ceremony or you into a veritable mess.
Erika writes in with this doozy of a comment, just CHOCK full of hard-earned wisdom:
This topic is as juicy as a summer peach, PB! I don’t dare begin share horror stories, lest I never stop. However, having received more than my share of wedding battle scars, here are 3 of my personal “musts,” which I make clear to couples in a very gentle, pastoral, steel-fisted kind of way as soon as my services are procured:
1. I receive half of the professional honorarium up front, “to hold the date on my calendar,” even if we’re 6 months from the wedding. (Thank you, Silicon Valley engineer and his fiancee who didn’t speak English, for teaching me that by calling off the wedding after the rehearsal dinner.)
2. If the couple has engaged the services of a wedding planner or coordinator (and *do not* get me started there….), I require the couple to communicate to her that she will not have a role in the wedding rehearsal. The minister leads the wedding rehearsal. (Thank you, horrible, nasty lady in Napa, for teaching me that by screaming at me in front of everyone because you wanted to send the ring bearer down the aisle first.)
3. If anyone in the wedding party shows signs that they’re under the influence of alcohol/drugs when I arrive at the ceremony, I will wish the couple well and leave the premises without conducting the ceremony — AND: see Rule #1! (Thank you, Saratoga couple, for teaching me that on an extremely hot summer day when you plied everyone with bubbly for an hour before I showed up.)
True, true, right, right, and RIGHT. Let PeaceBang contribute her favorite Wedding Planner story:
It was a hot day in Washington, DC. I drove into the city (45 minutes) to the Swanky Hotel to lead the rehearsal.
Pause here to note, kittens, that YOU LEAD THE REHEARSAL. This is a religious ceremony and you lead it. The Wedding Coordinator does not lead it. The Mother of the Bride or Groom does not lead it. The retired priest uncle does not lead it. The rehearsal does not start when someone else starts it. The rehearsal is not over when someone decides that it’s over (even if dinner reservations loom). You are running this event. Gird your loins before you go in, study your Jerome Robbins, Harold Prince, Bob Fosse or Michael Bennett moves, do whatever it takes to bring out your most Large-And-In-Charge persona and do NOT be steamrolled. Got it? Be there ON TIME. Be prepared to the last detail. If grandma complains that you have the bride on the right and the groom on the left (or vice versa) and she’s NEVER SEEN IT DONE THAT WAY, reply with a smile that you’d be happy to switch the couple around if she’d like to hear you call the groom “Susan” throughout the entire service. Do NOT engage with control freaks. Assign bodyguards to highly anxious, intrusive types and ask them to keep Aunt Dottie or Uncle Vern at the back of the church or at the bar until you’re through with the rehearsal. You are not there to please everybody. Don’t try.
Back to Washington, DC: Wedding Coordinator hovered with clipboard, trying to round up the wedding party, which I appreciated. Then, as I stood up front to introduce myself and begin the rehearsal, WC began barking out her orders regarding who would stand where, in what order attendants would enter, etc. I had already instructed the bride to let the WC know that the ceremony would be entirely my concern and that she would be most helpful in a runner/stage manager function. Bride looked non-plussed as WC soldiered on, obviously determined to consign me to a purely ornamental role.
I don’t. think. so.
I stepped to Wedding Coordinator and put my hand on her clipboard. “Thank you, Janice, but I’ll take it from here,” said I. Janice looked daggers at me. Girl was TERRITORIAL! Glaring at me and clearly plotting her next move, she moved a bit to my right.
I introduced myself to the group to begin my spiel. “Thank you so much for being here. I’m Victoria Weinstein and I’ll be officiating at the service tomorrow. I know you all have a dinner in an hour, so my job is to make sure that you all know exactly what you’re doing tomorrow, how and where, so that you can really be present for the moment and not worry about when you enter, where you stand to read, or any other detail. A wedding is a religious ceremony but it does have more than a bit of stagecraft to it, so I’m going to ask for your rapt attention for the next 45 minutes or so so that tomorrow will be as enjoyable as possible. A wedding isn’t a show, so we never expect things to run perfectly, but we do want to prepare as well as we can. So for now, if you could turn off your cell phones, hang in there with me as we go through the service, and make sure to ask any questions that occur to you — there are no stupid questions! — we’ll be able to get through this more quickly and get right to the fun part of the evening.”
Wedding Coordinator steps in front of me. “Thank you, Reverend. Now, if you can all please line up according to…”
Me, sotto voce, to Janice. “Janice, may I see you for a moment over here?”
To wedding party: “We’ll be right back!”
Over by some rose bushes, this is what I said to Janice:
“I want you to listen to me and listen closely. I don’t know what your deal is, or what kind of training you received, or how you wound up under the impression that it’s your job to run a wedding rehearsal that’s being officiated by a clergyperson. But let me make this clear: even if you did think it was your job to run this rehearsal — even after being informed that it was not — you should always speak privately with the officiant to make sure that’s the case instead of marching around barking orders and shoving them out of the way. I don’t have time to train you or to collaborate with you. I don’t like your attitude and I don’t get your style. So here’s your choice: either you make yourself scarce right now or I am getting in my car and driving back up to Columbia. I will leave it to you and your clipboard to explain to the couple and to their guests why I have gone home for the weekend and you will be conducting the service. Oh, and good luck getting certified to solemnize a wedding in the District of Columbia. You’ll need a certificate of ordination, a clergy witness to go with you to the office and vouch for you, and a check for $30. I hope that helps you make your decision. People are waiting, so make it snappy.”
The next morning, I bid Janice a good morning and told her that it would be extremely helpful if she would do three things to help the wedding ceremony flow more smoothly. She graciously agreed, did those things very well, and I can only hope that she had a long and successful career as a Wedding Coordinator.
The service was completely ruined after all because of the incessant screaming of a 3-year old niece of the bride. I considered stopping the ceremony so that the parents could take the demonic tot off the premises but I thought at the time that if the family chose not to manage the situation themselves, I shouldn’t try to. I had already been warned that super-permissive parents from Europe were bringing their indulged kinder to the service and that they were likely to be disruptive, but I had no idea how much.
I regret my decision now. If the same thing happened today I would stop the ceremony, look directly at the parents (who were absolutely grinningly immune to the looks of horror that were coming at them, oblivious to my stumbling over words because I literally couldn’t hear myself speak, and blind to the bride’s angry flush under her floral wreath) and say, “It seems as though Little Mathilda is having a difficult time today! Maybe she would be more comfortable taking a supervised walk down there by the fountain. Mathilda, would you like that?” Smile and hold until someone takes action. Prepare to hold big, cheery, fake smile for a good two to three minutes. Resume ceremony when child is elsewhere by saying, “Now, dearly beloved, where were we?”
Wait for laughter to break the tension, and possible applause. Believe me, you’ll get both.
Sometimes we do have to bring on a little bit of spiritual karate, gang. This ain’t all bunnies and kitties.
Oh, Amen to all of this!
I wrote a blog entry a while ago on “how to pick a minister for your wedding” because so many people seem to think ministers are interchangeable as long as the church or setting is lovely. It drives me crazy.
One thing a friend of mine does (and I now do) is insist that each person of the couple has 5-10 minutes ALONE (not even with the other person) and quiet. This allows them to actually be present in the service itself. It’s an excellent technique. They actually have a chance to think about what they are doing.
More than any other service, it seems like weddings are the one where we need to be willing to take the heat and be disliked for the sake of doing what needs to be done. Everyone else has so much invested in looking good they can’t really think straight. Our job is to think straight. OK, I just made that up, but I think it’s true.
This is really wonderful; great advice, and great sharing of experiences of presiding at services that are so often fraught with much emotion, both happy, and well, not so happy.
Might I also add what I’ve found to be an issue in many wedding ceremonies; the photographers. Now, I understand that the job is not easy, but I have to say that I have witnessed countless intrusive, disruptive behaviors by photographers, even though I always plead with them ahead of time to be respectful of the service, but I get the sense that many do not even know what a respectful distance or behavior is under these circumstances…is this the paparazzi effect in our culture?:)
I feel at this point that I literally need to walk them over to particular spots in the church, far away from the chancel, and state: “You can come no closer than this.”
Some examples, which have happened to me:
1) On a number of occasions, I’ve seen photographers literally leap into the aisle of the church during the ceremony to get “close ups” of the wedding party/family/etc., interrupting the procession and the service. (Once or twice, huge flashbulbs with jarring flashes were used…can you say spots in your eyes during the service???)
2) I literally had a photographer elbow me (as the officiant) to push me aside to get a shot of the bride processing up the aisle (??)…a withering sideways glance at her made her back off a little, but not much.
After having spoken to photographer friends, I have been told that nowadays, a good telephoto lens will get good closeups from pretty much anywhere in most churches, and huge flashbulbs are also not necessary.
Anybody else have similar experiences? How do you handle this?
[You’ve got absolutely the right idea: introduce yourself, ask them for their card, make pleasantries, feel them out, then show them where they can set up, walk them through the ceremony and tell them where they can get some good shots (they’ll appreciate it) and tell them exactly when they should not be shooting near you or at all (the prayer, for example). Most photogs are great but some are atrociously insensitive boobs. I had one photographer literally SLIDE ACROSS THE CHANCEL on his side, like a baseball player, snapping away during the vows. I stopped the service, gave him a withering look and when he didn’t get up from the floor I said, “Please, Sir, people will think you’re trying to shoot up the bridesmaids’ dresses.” He got up and moved, the crowd laughed their heads off, we began the vows again, and I ripped his head off after the service. I told him that if he wanted to play Wartime Photographer like an idiot he could bloody well do it somewhere other than the church. “What were you going for?” I bellowed. “The Up-the-Nostrils angle?” – PB]
Another amen! I love weddings. They are so fraught with agita.
The same attitude happens with baptisms. A beloved family member asked me to baptize her son, and has been stunned as I firmly keep saying that she is welcome to ask the priest of her church to invite me, but that the invitation must come from that priest to officiate at any ceremony within that priest’s church. I cannot do squat with that priest’s say-so. (The priest, of course, is a friend and a sweetheart.) They were also shocked when I insisted I wanted to be a civilian and not the priest at their own wedding. Clergy ain’t interchangeable like Lego figures!
Has anyone really done that kid-thing for disruptive kids? I’ve just soldiered on, terrified of embarrassing the family, ruining their faith in Jesus, and having them never come back.
My church has a wedding coordinator who serves as the liason between the bridal party and the church. She doesn’t run the rehearsal, but she does all those little things that make a rehearsal run smoother–slip coloring books and crayons to bored kiddies, steer the meddling relative away from sending the bride over the edge, keep an eye on the contract people (photographers, florists, etc) so they aren’t nailing things to the pews, settle the bridal party into the dressing rooms. She’s a gem! [Sounds perfect! – PB]
I am a wedding planner (coordinator) and I have to say rehearsals are the worst part of the job. I always defer to the officiant, the priest, church coordinator IF they want to run the rehearsal (some don’t). I’m not territorial, although many officiants are. I always hang back and take notes, because I’ve found that on the wedding day they always need my help (even the curmudgeon of a priest, who said wedding planners aren’t allowed to cross the threshold of his church was looking for me on the wedding day to help him out. Oh, if I had treated him that day the way he treated me at the rehearsal, but I’m a Christian first).
Great article! When the wedding planner/director and I are on the same page and have worked weddings together before, I step back and let them run the logistics of the processional and recessional and she yields the floor to me for the rehearsal of the ceremony logistics. When I am in charge I have learned that I must run the rehearsal like a drill sergeant because someone has to take charge and get it done. Then I get accused of being pompous, short, and insensitive! Oh well!
My comment on rule #1: I collect my entire fee up front before I will reserve the wedding date/time on my calendar and release to them the ceremony material to choose from. It is a deposit of $50 on signing the contract and the entire remainder due within 10 days. Works every time. No complaints. I find most couples want to pay in full in the beginning and be done with it. Other minister friends of mine have started doing this as well and thank me for suggesting it. My fee is also non-refundable unless I break the contract, which I have never done in 11 years of officiating weddings. I tell the couple that once they are on my calendar, other requests for their time and date I refer to other ministers. If they cancel on me, I cannot go back and get those other weddings. I am not a minister of a church and do not have a congregation financially supporting me.
Ugh – the fee. Right now I’m in the midst of trying to track down a couple that stiffed me on a wedding a few months ago (thankfully, my parish administrator will do the dirty work for me). What I have learned = as many of you have suggested, I’m now going to collect the fee up front.
For photographers: I ask the couple for the photographer’s information and, before the wedding, the church sends them “our official wedding photography policy” (i.e., no guerilla-warrior crawling around, etc.) via mail. Then, day of the wedding, I check in with photographer to review said policy. Usually works just fine – most photographers are very respectful if the rules are clear. And those who aren’t go in my “we don’t work with these photographers” file.
Have a fantastic time this weekend, PeaceBang! For every hideous wedding experience, those truly great ones make up for every bit.
all this wedding talk….did you see the video I posted over at facebook? Hope you have a great time this weekend!!
http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/unexpected-wedding-entrance
I am a wedding minister and think this is HORRIBLE advice! It sounds to me like a raging case of dueling egos and the bride and groom’s wedding is spoiled because of it. The minister at least should have been a bigger person than the wedding planner and eased the tension rather than threaten to leave and go home in a huff, leaving the wedding couple in the lurch! The minister speaks and acts with no tact or generosity of spirit. Had I been the bride, I would have been embarrassed at her behavior. And were I the bride and read this post, I would be mortified at the caliber of person I had hired to start my married life. On top of everything else, the minister’s comments about the crying baby are unbelievably arrogant – as is her whole spiel. I strongly advise other ministers against taking any of her advice.
[WELL! I guess you told ME! Seriously, though… re-read the post. The bride and groom were totally unaware of the wedding planner incident. All they knew was that the rehearsal seemed to be “co-led” and were getting conflicting directions. I took care of Miss Wedding Planner quietly across the lawn. I think you’ve been watching too much reality TV, sweets. As for the crying baby, call me arrogant all day long if you want, but that baby destroyed the wedding. And THAT’s what the bride and groom will remember. They have a videotape to remind them, in fact. I am much more directive about babies as a result. And a wedding I did this afternoon went off beautifully because the parents were responsible enough to heed my advice and have a Plan B for if one of the little ones started screaming. She did, her dad carried her to the patio, and the wedding was beautiful. If you don’t think it’s your unpleasant job to play Bad Cop now and then and pro-actively plan for screaming babies or recalcitrant toddler flower girls, you shouldn’t be a “wedding minister.” No one enjoys having to deliver the bad news that children under the age of 4 are highly unreliable wedding guests and participants. Parents take it personally, they may become defensive, and they may wind up hating your guts. But it’s not their wedding, and what they don’t know is that the couple has deputized me and are are RELYING on me to take charge and to protect their special day from the outbursts of tired or cranky kids. That’s part of what we do. We say the hard things so that the bride doesn’t have to say, “Sis, could you pleease give up the idea of the baby being the ring-bearer? It’s just a BAD IDEA and adds way more stress to the planning of this ceremony than anyone needs.” But whatever. I hope you enjoy your life on Planet Sweetness and Light and that it made you feel really awesome to fling your self-righteous diatribe without offering one bit of constructive advice of your own. Rock on. Ohhhh, I just realized something. As a “Wedding Minister,” you’re a hired gun. See, those of us in parish minsitry actually have relationships with most of the couples we marry. We know them and their families and care about them personally and they know that. Most of them know the “calibre of person” we are for years before we conduct their ceremonies… so if we need to step in and deal with the Wedding Planner or whatever, they’re not wondering what we’re doing… they already trust us. If you don’t have that relationship, I guess it would be different. More like “Smiley Face Special Day Minister.” Okay, I get it. – PB]
While I think that the photograher crawling on the floor is a bit much, I do have to disagree a bit.
I am also not a member of the clergy and have seldom done a wedding in a church and then only with permission from the pastor.
I do try to accomodate the photograher as much as possible for this reason:
The ceremony is only a few minutes and the bride and groom are at least half brain dead during the whole thing. What they will have forever and ever are those pictures and/or videos to be seen and cherished over the years.
I do wish more photographers would come to the rehearsal but If they don’t I do try to have a working copy of the ceremony for them and the DJ.
[The couple are half brain dead during the whole thing!!!??? Oh, wow. Maybe you’re in a more conservative tradition where weddings are more “by the book” (you know, insert names, read out of prayer book, same service for each couple) or the clergy are just stiff and formal or something, but my ceremonies are incredibly lively and personal. The couples are entirely there and ON. We interact, there are a lot of unscripted moments … it’s very dynamic. I can’t imagine the zombie scenario you’ve described but I suppose now that I think of it, I have attended weddings like that. No wonder I had forgotten them!- PB]
“….I had already instructed the bride to let the WC know that the ceremony would be entirely my concern and that she would be most helpful in a runner/stage manager function……”
I wonder if with everything else the bride was thinking about, she forgot to be the go-between? The non-plussed look could have been “Oh, $%#^&! I forgot to clue in the W.C. about the rehearsal protocol!”
Have you heard about this one, Peacebang?
http://chronicle.northcoastnow.com/2009/07/31/bride-and-groom-say-their-pastor-ditched-them-at-the-beach/
Talk about timely…and a good follow-up to folks’ good advice here about being sure to clarify roles and lines of communication among officiants, wedding planners, and bridal couples! [Oh, boy, what a mess!! I have a LOT of strong opinions about “hiring” a pastor and trusting your ceremony to someone you’ve never met — but I’ll bite my lip now. Thanks for the link! – PB]
Inasmuch as I strongly believe in wedding planners as being vital to a succesful wedding, they contribute to additional costs for groom and bride. Formal weddings nowadays average almost $30,000 so there is definitely enough incentive for most couples to ask for the right wedding etiquette … who pays for what ? Until not too long ago, it was seldom a question for brides and grooms as to who will pick up the wedding expenses. At least for formal weddings, the traditional way has always been for the bride’s father, her family respectively, to pay for their daughter’s wedding. One major reason for this “traditional” rule was that couples used to get married at a comparatively early stage in their life, starting off their life together at a point where financial dependency to their
parents was often the rule. This however changed over the past few decades. Nowadays, couples often not only get married at a later point in their life, but also at a point where they are financially secured enough to cover their own wedding expenses. Another reason why the traditional “wedding etiquette, who pays for what” changed – at least if we want to believe polls asking “newly-wed” couples – is that more and more couples nowadays want to have their own “say” in the wedding. From the guest-list to the menu, from the flower bouquets to the wedding cake … should the wedding have classical music, or the couple’s most favorite local band …
should we really invite uncle xyz, who never agreed to our wedding to begin with ? I am trying to summarize useful information on this and related wedding topics on my webpage [bla bla bla… sorry, Stefanie, but I think it’s bad blogging etiquette to try to sneak a free commercial for your own business onto my not-for-profit site. Plus, you’re off topic. Not appreciated. – PB]