A couple years back I got a letter from an apparently very attractive aspirant to the ministry who raved on and on about how she was just TOO PRETTY to be accepted as a clergyperson and that was why she had failed in her various attempts to achieve ordained status.
At the time I thought to myself, “Chickie here has a lot of serious issues, and being ‘too pretty’ may indeed be one of them, but let’s file this thought away for further reflection until I hear from a more grounded person about the reality of being too beautiful for ministry.”
And lo, that time has come, pigeons. While I know of several movie-star handsome men in the clergy whose Hotness does not seem to prevent them from being taken seriously, I have now collected several stories of female clergy being taken aside by male superiors and told that their beauty or sexiness is “distracting” and a serious problem.
What shall we call this?
Sexism.
Plain and simple.
If a man is distracted by his completely appropriately-dressed female minister’s beauty and sexiness, that’s his gadnapped problem. The Biblical name for that problem is lust, I do believe. The cultural name for it is objectification. I say “Work on it with your spiritual director, Senior Pastor Horndog.”
No one can keep nobody from hankering after them. That’s God’s truth. You can dress three sizes too big, you can cut your hair funny, let your skin and teeth go mossy and walk around crossing your eyes and tripping over your feet, and some soul is going to be drawn to your body like a moth to the flame. That’s a wonderful thing. It’s also an important truth to remember if you happen to be blessed or cursed with an extra dose of conventional attractiveness — don’t obsess about it, just know it’s there, be beautiful and true in all ways and let people be responsible for their own feelings.
Say, however, that you’re a young female pastor who’s been pulled aside and admonished that you don’t look “right” or you don’t look “professional” by a male OR female senior. Perhaps a kind parishioner has even donated some money to purchase a new wardrobe for you. How should you then respond?
1. In a non-defensive way, bring in an advocate from your religious community right away: a mentor, a senior pastor from another congregation, a bishop, a lay leader. Do NOT keep this a secret. If this is going to turn into a pattern of harassment, you don’t want to be alone in dealing with it. Document EVERY word you can remember from that first meeting and before you do a thing about shopping, call in another pair of eyes to assess your wardrobe and appearance. It may, in fact be that you DO need some sprucing up. It may also be that your supervisor is trying to shame you for being a hottie. Don’t fly off the handle; walk carefully and govern your angry thoughts. We serve a monumentally sex-phobic institution, my darlings — this should neither surprise nor enrage you. Be ye wise as a serpent and .. you know the rest.
Schedule another meeting with your supervisor as soon as possible and be armed with a list of specific questions such as “What exactly seems unprofessional about my appearance?” or “Is there a certain outfit or garment that I have worn of which you disapprove? Why?” or “Could you please provide me with a list of people who have complained about my appearance? It’s important to know if this is just your personal opinion or feedback coming from the community.”
2. Be sure to get clarity on when you are “done” with your make-over, if that is indeed what seems necessary. For example, if the complaint is that your skirts are too tight and your shirts too cropped or your rock-n-roll T-shirts too “edgy,” take steps to fix the problem and then insist that your supervisor sign off, so to speak, on your having done so. Document the meeting and send the minutes to your board president or top lay leader. You do not want this to become a vague, upsetting generational or gender battle that never ends. It should have a clear conclusion so that you are not constantly obsessing over what you wear every day (Our culture is already committed to making women obsess about their appearance — should not the Church be counter-culture in that wise?).
You may choose to include a “Am I looking appropriately professional/clerical?” portion of your NEXT annual review (not every annual review for as long as you serve the church) in order to give the subject one more pass. If the original complaint was, in fact, a veiled grievance about your being too cute and sexy to be in the ministry no matter WHAT you wear, the silence on the matter of your attire should assure you that you can move on with your life and put the fears that you don’t know how to dress at rest.
3. If you want to make a case for why your clothes are entirely appropriate, prepare your thoughts and present them in a mature way to your supervisor. Perhaps you want to be a little more funky because you think the congregation should have someone on staff who might visually resonate with the creative community who has been under-served by the church (“I know that this is an artist’s colony in the summer and I think it’s important that our church pay more attention to aesthetics in general. I am trying to do this with my clothing and you will notice that our Religious Education brochure has been redesigned to reflect a more contemporary aesthetic.”). Perhaps you need to simply say that body conscious clothes are not considered “sexy” any more, but are simply the way most manufacturers cut their clothing nowadays (“My sweaters aren’t actually tight, they’re very standard fit right now. Let me show you some photographs of local teachers, bank tellers, and executives wearing the same fit. I could wear tops that are a few sizes too big, but I think you and I would both find that they look sloppy and send a non-verbal message that a healthy body is something one should hide. Do you think that’s a message we want to be sending?”).
Remember that clothes and appearance are interesting. If we can discuss them without taking the subject matter too personally, we might have a more productive conversation. I know it’s hard. I was once admonished for wearing inappropriate clothing as a high school teacher. I had actually done it on purpose to protest the extreme May/June heat in my classroom (I wanted a bloody fan up there, and not just the dinky kind I could bring in from home), but it was still embarrassing watching my supe squirm as he stammered out his “feedback.” I knew my department head was right and although it got me what I wanted in the end, I was sorry to have shown up for work in a cotton flowered babydoll dress and cotton biking shorts. I had so much more respect for my work than that. I was also 22 years old at the time and didn’t want to be mistaken for one of my students. (But hey, whatever happened to that colleague of mine with the enormous hair, the sky high stilettos, the skin tight suits bursting at bosom and slit high on the thigh who used to have very interesting relationships with her students involving special home visits and long tutoring sessions in the car? I loved her!)
I DIGRESS.
4. If you do establish a need for a better wardrobe, please please bring a sartorially-savvy friend with you when you use that generous donation to purchase new items. I know it’s bizarre and even paternalistic to give a professional person money to outfit themselves with, but this is not an unknown phenomenon in the Church so suck it up and spend it wisely. Do write a detailed thank you note to the person who made the gift and turn the episode into something positive and memorable.
Think how wonderful it will be on your tenth anniversary with the congregation to be able to give that sermon harkening back to the days when you showed up in your dirty Keane’s, hippie skirts and hempen hoodies and Mrs. Cathcart put a wad of cash into your hand and said, “Dearie, welcome to Holy Shepherd. Please get a manicure and a decent hair cut buy yourself some real clothing.” And then you walked into the Woman’s Alliance meeting the next week looking and feeling so much more like a community leader in a pair of taupe heels and a really wonderful bright blue suit with great flared trousers and you suddenly understood that you weren’t a kid anymore, and that you didn’t need to look scruffy to ally yourself with ‘the least of these.’” Everyone will chuckle and some will applaud and you can thank Mrs. Cathcart right then and there for seeing the leader in you that you hadn’t known needed to be brought out, and for making a generous financial gift of confidence in that leader.
And then you take the offering, you know, and connect the whole thing to confidence in the Church and how God works through all of us.
And it will all have worked out.
This too shall pass, my doves. And the next time someone pulls you aside and says that you’re too attractive or pretty to “make it” as a minister, I suggest that you put your hand on their arm, say in your most dramatic tones, “Brother/Sister So-And-So! I can’t BELieve you’re saying that! I mean, you know as well as I do that Jesus was a TOTAL HOTTIE!” Then smack that arm — not gently — wink big, turn on your heel and leave the room.
Don’t you dare feel that you need to respond respectfully to that nonsense.
Now go be beautiful, be faithful, be true, and blessed Sabbath to you all.
That is the best, funniest, wisest post I’ve read in a long time.
“Work on it with your spiritual director, Senior Pastor Horndog.”
AHAHAHAHAHAH!
I don’t know that you’re ever really ‘too hot’ for ministry, but it is possible to not be taken seriously because you look young, or frivolous, or dress provocatively (which is inappropriate).
I have very curly hair, and up until a year or so ago I hadn’t tried to straighten it in 30 years (teenage going-bald-due-to-chemical-straighteners trauma). At Christmas, I showed up to my family with straight hair. My brother (who has never made a hair comment in my 47 year old life), said it was my ‘take me seriously’ hair.
Don’t not be beautiful, but do be a serious presence. [Love that. Thanks, doll. - PB]
I will second the advice to “Bring an advocate or mentor”. I could have avoided a lot of grief if I had had an advocate on hand as a new priest, especially with a mean boss! Support groups and mentors and good friends will save your sanity, but sometimes have a more experienced advocate IN YOUR MEETINGS (especially tough ones!) can save your skin.
It can also help to question what the standards are throughout the parish staff. Whatever the boss wants out of me, I’d better see the boss and the office staff reflecting that desired behavior as well.
But yes, yes, yes, on advocates. Amen.
Funny story- I recently cut my hair (over 10 inches off!) to an angled bob. It’s been a big hit, but it was very funny to me at a holiday party when a lady took my husband aside and bellowed, “Don’t you like her hair now? I think she looks HOT!” So I guess I kicked the hotness up a bit, without meaning to. But my parishes have always been passionately interested in my hair, for some reason.
Part of it is just the novelty of a clergy woman. We’re like Barbie dolls in real life. Sometimes I have found that the issue behind my clothes was not me, but a pastoral issue. If an 80 year old wants you in a suit, perhaps she’s remembering the good old days and wishing you’d wear the proper clothes to make up for the fact that her daughter abandoned shirtdresses in favor of hip huggers and long hair.
And you are beautiful and brilliant. Thanks.
And perhaps if after all this, Pastor Horndog still has a problem with you, you could remark calmly, looking him in the eye with raised eyebrows and a small polite smile, that the preferred solution to mens’ fear of women in some places and CENTURIES is a burka.
Great post. It is possible to be attractive yet appropriate. It is important to get the objective opinion of a trusted person when considering the sexiness of dress. WHen interning at a large church after seminary, a lay person whom I trusted, whom I knew was on my side, had an honest talk with me about my dress being a little sexy for the church. I’m glad he told me this. He was right. But I trusted his opinion and was able to correct the issue, and knew that if I ever needed honest feedback that would help me, I would know where to turn.
This was great fun to read, and altho’ no one has ever complained of the Rambler’s excessive hotness, I do have a posse of “Mrs. Cathcarts” in my curacy to remember with huge fondness and gratitude. They were kind, firm, and specific…”your hair at that length pulls your face down and makes you look older than you are. Shorter = younger, dear, GET IT CUT.” And I did!
This was a good post. Something like this issue came up in an interview 27 years ago. I thought that such remarks would not happen today, but, sadly, I must have been wrong. At my advanced age and stage of life, hotness is not the problem anymore, but if it were, I’d be committing this post to memory! Way to go, BTM!
Thank you so much. Seriously, thank you. This is a much-needed reality check for me at the end of a tough day.
I met with my accountant this morning and, at the end our appointment, I informed him that I wouldn’t return next year because throughout our 30-min. appointment, he couldn’t stop asking me very personal questions about my (male) partner and making references about my kissing him (as in, Me: “I’d like a refund this year, please.” Him: “I’d like a kiss from you, but that doesn’t mean I’ll get one, right?” It went on and on. Ew. EW.)
I have three Masters degrees. I’ve written a book that will be published later this year. I’m doing great things with my congregation. But sitting across that desk, I was just a pretty little sexual object to him, and he couldn’t stop with the kissy comments.
He apologized, of course. It doesn’t matter — I calmly spoke my peace, reminding him that I was a religious leader and a professional, and that he was also a professional, and that it wasn’t okay for him to speak to me like that. [I hope this doesn't mean that his behavior would have been acceptable if you weren't a religious leader or a professional? - PB]
Here’s the thing: before I “fired” him, I weighed whether it was worth it to say anything (he’s just a product of his generation, it was “harmless,” yada yada). What swayed me was thinking of YOU, darling V. — I honestly asked myself, as he was computing my mileage expenses, What Would PeaceBang Do? And I heard your voice in my heart, saying, “You’re a spiritual leader, honey, and your taxman might be a whiz, but that doesn’t excuse his behavior. God wants you to speak up!”
So, thank you.
On the other hand, a gay friend of mine who served on a search committee tells me that he definitely felt that an unusually attractive woman got noticed — and called — in part because she was a so good looking. He wasn’t necessarily critical, just surprised. I suspect his observation was not a unique situation and that whatever the disadvantages of good looks, they will get you a job even in ministry.
I had a church employee that was extremely attractive and I got a few complaints about the way she dressed (too sexy)from elderly women. I thought she was appropriate, but wouldn’t have thought so had it been 20 years ago. However, when she was replaced by a frumpy dresser — no complaints about the way she was dressed.
Hi Peacebang- what a blog! We clergywomen have needed something like this for a long time! I must say, as a redhead, I cannot tell you how many times I have preached and have had people (whether my own parishoners or not) come up to me afterwards and make a comment about my beautiful hair! Have they not heard my message?? God has given me this beautiful head of hair but I have noticed that God has been adding some white lately so it isn’t a permanent state. Hopefully, my preaching will produce much longer-lasting fruit!
Thanks for this! It’s a problem that not a few of us young Jewish female seminary students have faced, from well-meaning rabbis “trying to help us be more rabbinic.” The discussion on how to look professional without drowning our own unique styles, how to look “rabbinic” but still feminine, is an ongoing one!
Sadly, one of the rabbis I know with the hardest time relating to attractive women rabbis-to-be is a woman, who is overweight but not ugly, just uncomfortable reconciling her authority position with her femininity. Those of us who are tall and slim and confident seem to be very threatening to her. If it were a man, I’d agree that it was simple sexism, but with her it seems far more convoluted.
Good advice here. I must say there’s a place for equivalent advice to men; I don’t think this is entirely an issue of sexim. I know a few male pastors (and teachers) whose narcissistic attention to their “hotness” IS, in fact, a distraction. I’m not talking about natural, unsuppressable good looks–I’m talking about accentuating what is most distracting. It’s possible (and good, I believe) to look winsome without looking seductive. (I too like Wendy’s comment: be beautiful, but be a serious presence.)
Kinda off topic, but since you’ve mentioned body image… across my radar today came a very interesting post from a Mormon source (I have Mormon friends and I love them and their kids- I once outsourced some premarital counseling to a Mormon bishop who did a FAAAABULOUS job with the couple, so I won’t take any grumbling about the LDS! Thanks from The Episcopalian!)…
All about body image and caring for one’s body in all conditions. I found it interesting. Now I must go write my liberal hippie sermon!
http://modernmollymormon.blogspot.com/
Thank you for calling this for what it is. I’ve been in too many situations where I got taken seriously at the same time that my women colleagues were objectified–whatever their level of hotness. Preaching class, for example, when the men got feedback on their sermons and the women got feedback on their hair and earrings.
You do us all a great service by calling our attention to this oppression in our midst.
Very important topic -as you can see from the comments.