An S.O.S. from a concerned layperson, ya’ll! Just came in today!
Message: I am a member of a large UU congregation and also partner ofa minister (at another church — obviously). Being a minister’s partner gives me a bit of an unusual view into a church, and I realize that minister’s don’t always know how they are perceived…… which leads to my question:
I adore the minister at our church, but her hair is AWFUL. Color, cut, etc. This past Sunday, it looked as if she cut her bangs herself (badly), and her hair was pulled back, but then sticking out at all sorts of weird angles all over her head. I had four different people come up to me after the service and say “Oh, my — what do you think of XXX’s hair?!?!”
I am not a huge fashion critic, or even overly image-conscious. BUT, when the minister’s appearance is distracting to the congregation, do you bring it up? And how do you do that without hurting feelings? (She is a fabulous minister and everyon adores her.) If it were me, I would want to know. I asked my partner, and she said she would want to know also.
Help?? Advice???
— Concerned Member of the Congregation (and Big Fan of this minister)
Dear CMOTC(ABFOTM)
Say something! And don’t be subtle. Ministers don’t get subtle. If you say, “Gee, Adored Minister, are you growing out your hair? I hate that awkward stage between lengths,” she will find your query strange but probably think nothing of it. If you say, “You know, I just happened to buy this glossy magazine of hair styles and I thought I’d donate it to the church — specifically to YOU,” that would be better, but she might just thank you and think you’re a dear and slightly demented person. But if you make an appointment to talk to her, bring her a big bouquet of flowers, sit down and say, “Rev., this is your lucky day! I have come here with what I bet is the simplest problem any congregant has ever brought to you in counseling. My problem is that my adored minister has a really bad hair ‘do … so bad that four or five people commented on it to me after church recently, and I don’t know what to do about it.” Then smile, and say “In the spirit of ‘please don’t shoot the messenger, these flowers are a reminder of my regard for you no matter what your hair looks like, but I just thought you’d want to know. Because if I was in your shoes, I would. And I have such respect for your work, it hurts me when the first thing people have to say following a service is about your hair and not your gifts of ministry.”
Then put the flowers on her desk, say, “I really am a huge fan,” and beat it the hell out of there.
(Of course you do realize that people mentioned it to you knowing that, as a Clergy Partner, you’d say something?)
If someone else wants to be a Good Fairy and drop your minister a list of names of good stylists in the area and a gift certficate to a salon, that’s their business. You don’t want Pastor Wackyhair to feel ganged up on (how humiliating!) but you want her to feel the way I felt when the president of my Board of Trustees sneaked up to me right before I left for a Mexico vacation, slipped a tidy roll of 10’s and 20’s into my shocked hand and said, “I took up a little margarita collection for you. We want you to have a wonderful vacation and RELAX.” He scrammed before I could (a) feel embarrassed or (b) find the words to thank him. I used that gift as a food and drinks fund and every time I paid my tab I felt the love of my congregation with me. You want your Rev. to feel the same way about her hair. Yes, it’s her personal bizness and she doesn’t need your help with it, she deserves help with it. Know what I mean?
A slightly different suggestion…
Before talking to said person, there is a question to be asked about what sort of hair she has. I have difficult hair — unhelpfully wavy and very fine. It usually takes a hairdresser most of a year to figure out how to cut it, and some never do. When I came to my present congregation, someone with hair like mine said, ‘oh, I know just who you need to cut your hair…’ It saved me months of nasty trial and error and was the kindest thing she could have done.
I like the comment above. It might be a good idea to suggest a hairstylist, as the clergywoman in question may simply have no clue where to go.
PB –
I have just this problem myself! A fellow clergywoman in my area has ZERO sense of hairstyle. Although I do not see her on Sunday mornings of course, more than once at denominational events, I’ve seen her in braided pigtails. I kid you not. A good cut, with a easy-to-maintain style, would work wonders. I just don’t know if I’m the one to say something. I don’t think her current style is a lapse, it seems to be just a lack of awareness. What to do????? I’m tempted to let her know about your website…
Do you suppose it would be too subtle if I emailed her the link to this blog page??? (No, I KNOW that is a cop-out!)
Thank you for your sage advice and wisdom. I even have a hairdresser recommendation for her, b/c I too have challenging hair….. (sigh) I will gather my courage and give her a call later this week.
— CMOTC (ABFOTM)
Wow. I wish this were all we had to worry about with our minister. Why on earth would anyone care what a minister’s hair looks like? The fact that she’s a great minister should be quite enough, and the people who make comments must be easily distracted by trivial things. I really hope it doesn’t affect what they get from her ministry, quality wise.
The minister we have is really bad..sermons are awful; she has certain obsessions that she ‘preaches’ about too often; she goes behind committees’ back to thwart their program objectives; she lies; everything seems to be about HER; she is insecure, controlling….need I say more?
Give me your great minister with the messy hair!!!!!!! [But darling, we’re here to talk about BEAUTY TIPS FOR MINISTERS. Hence the name. Sorry you dislike your own pastor so intensely. – PB]