Beauty Tips for Ministers
Because you're in the public eye, and God knows you need to look good.
The Minister’s Significant Other
May 1, 2008 on 6:33 pm | In Clergy Image, Pastoral Fashion Emergency, Or "PeaceBang, Help!", PeaceBang Personal |So LET’S TALK, kittens.
As you may recall, PeaceBang got bit by the love bug back in January and brought home more than seashells from her January vacation to Marco Island, Florida. After spending a mere four days together, she and a big, chubby hunk of a modern-day Viking named Greg decided to throw caution to the winds and he drove up the East Coast and straight to her parsonage.
When he finally got here, braving snow and ice and traffic galore, what did PeaceBang do? She threw her arms around him, helped him unpack his one duffel bag, guitar case and small knapsack (don’t you just LOVE a man who says he embraces voluntary simplicity and actually DOES?) and whispered in his ear, “Honey… let’s go to Macy’s.”
PeaceBang knew that her ocean-eyed sweetie’s wardrobe consisted of:
1. shorts
2. a grody pair of flip-flops
3. some jeans
4. a horrible, shapeless leather jacket (shhh, he thinks it’s cool)
5. maybe some other random shoe-type items that were on the verge of falling apart
6. some denim shirts, always worn untucked and distinctly unflattering to his, uh, figure
Much to her surprise, SweetieBang proved not only amenable to a trip to Macy’s but a darned good sport about letting her pick out clothes and finding some good buys himself. We found him several nice dressy shirts (with some mod factor to them, because he’s the opposite of preppy), one tweedy brown sports jacket and one camel corduroy one, some nice black Johnny Cash-like T-shirts and a few sweaters. We got everything at “wicked” sale prices, as they say here in Massachusetts. We are still arguing about pants (he was back in shorts as soon as the weather “warmed up” to 55 or so) but for a devoted minimalist who was living on an island in a bathing suit, I was amazed by his flexibility and willingness to accumulate more …(cue ominous music) possessions.
And I’ve created a monster. Last weekend HE wanted to go to Filene’s Basement to find a summer-weight blazer (!!!) and we went shoe shopping FOR HIM LAST NIGHT AND HE TOOK OVER AN HOUR TO PICK A PAIR OF SHOES. I know this is karma.
Why all the fuss? One reason, my friends: when SweetieBang arrived, he needed no convincing that he would now be a vaguely public figure in town and a major celebrity in our church, and he wanted to look the role. He understood without having to discuss it that he should dress nicely for church and for other events at which he would be accompanying me in an official capacity as Mr. Rev. PeaceBang. As big a change as it was for him (and I mean CHANGE - he grew up Jewish and is now a Buddhist, if anything) Greg instinctively knew that the Rev’s S.O. doesn’t show up at church in jeans and a fleece pullover, or in shorts and a floppy denim shirt. To do so would have been disrespectful and clueless.
It seems important to raise the subject now, because I’ve had two or three letters in the past week asking how one might spiff up one’s spouse, or how one might sensitively suggest to the pastor this his or her spouse is, quite frankly, woefully under-dressed for church. Both questions point to the reality that to be a minister’s partner is to be a public figure oneself, and that whether they want to or not, clergy spouses and partners need to put some thought into the matter of their clothing and grooming. Is this fair? Not necessarily, but it’s how it works in the real world. Ask my cousin, who was married for many years to a rabbi, what the expectations were of the rebbitzim; yes, even into the 21st century.
Clergy partners do not represent the church, but they do reflect on the health of the ministry. I remember one local colleague who was always nattily turned out himself, but whose wife always looked shoddy, hollow-eyed and unkempt. I knew there must be serious problems in that household. It turns out that my instincts were correct: he was dismissed from his denomination a few years after I made his acquaintance. Like it or not, the minister’s non-clergy significant other needs to be a good visual match with the minister and with the church. Both should take their cues from the congregation as to what constitutes “dressed up” for church and aim at least that high, with an extra spit-shine to communicate respect for the work and respect for the honor conferred upon them as spiritual leader and spiritual leader’s chief helpmate and emotional support.
You may ask, how would one sensitively broach the subject to Reverend Spouse that his or her attire is inappropriately informal, too hubba-hubba sexy, or whatever else the problem may be? Should the intervention be attempted by the Ministerial Relations Committee, for instance, and the expectation placed upon the clergyperson to tell his or her honeylamb, “Honeylamb, I love you, but they’re saying over to the church that you’re kindofa slob.” PeaceBang has no easy advice for this but to tread carefully and with tact, but not so much tact that no one knows what’s being said. Too much subtlety will never do. Don’t ask, “Gee, Rev., does your wife come straight to church from chopping wood/swimming at the gym/fixing the carburetor? I was just wondering.” The answer might be “Yes,” and a lot of ministers won’t think to inquire, “Why do you ask?” You know why? Two reasons. One, we have other things on our minds. Two, denial. Rev. might know exactly why you’re asking but not feel like dealing with it. Be direct.
Perhaps something like, “Pastor So-and-So, it didn’t escape my notice that you were wearing a tie and sports jacket to our stewardship dinner. That was so appropriate and so much appreciated, as it represented to me that you considered the event an important and formal affair even though it was held in our parish hall. To me, it really struck the right chord. This is hard for me to say, but did Mrs./Mr. Partner Pastor know that we were committed to making the dinner seem special? S/he was dressed so casually, I wasn’t sure.” Notice the use of “I” language here. Be very intentional about using “I” language UNLESS YOU ARE SURE that the distress about the pastor’s partner’s attire is truly a community concern. If so, say so.
Leave your inquiry open-ended. It may be that Mr. or Mrs. Pastor’s Partner thought they’d be helping out in the kitchen and chose to dress accordingly. Voila! If so, you have the perfect opportunity to discuss expectations of the minister’s partner and to allow your pastor to save some face (”Oh, how sweet of him/her to want to help with clean-up!! Does s/he know that we always keep a stack of sturdy aprons in the kitchen for just that reason?”).
Another tactic is for someone on the Ministry Committee to ask the pastor if their partner has had an opportunity to meet with other clergy spouses in the area or in the wider UUA. If the answer is no, they might say, “Oh, we hope that /she will. It seems to us that being a minister’s partner is almost as complicated as being a minister. Don’t you think that s/he would benefit from the camaraderie? We were thinking about recommending this to you because we have a concern about HoneyLamb that we hesitate to bring up because it seems so trivial, but it has come up several times in recent weeks and it seems only fair that we have an opportunity to talk about it.” Topic launched. This won’t be an easy discussion. But if it’s about being overly-casual in jeans and T-shirts, say so. If it’s about body odor, say so. If it’s about incredibly foul breath, say so (because there might be a health issue involved, and you’d be giving your pastor a chance to discuss that). If it’s about too much cleavage or bare, hairy chest, butt cleavage or chokingly heavy perfume or aftershave, say so. Your specificity can only help. Don’t drop coy hints and then drop the subject. The idea here is to find solutions to an anxiety-causing issue in the system, not to create more anxiety.
If there is no caring and trusted individual who might be deputized to raise the matter with the minister or his/her Significant Other and to give it a personal touch, the matter should be handled by the Ministerial Relations or equivalent committee, NOT by the board of trustees. To do the latter would be overkill and would imply that the minister’s employ is in some way threatened by his or her spouse’s bad sartorial choices. If the minister’s spouse causes problems on the policy level of the congregation, it is fair for the board to raise the matter as they would about any other member or friend of the church. But image and attire are private matters with a public dimension for clergy and their partners, and it seems to me that suggestions about a clergy partner cleaning up one’s act should come from the minister via a trusted individual or the Ministry Committee.
What say you, dear ones?
P.S. Greg still flatly refuses to own a tie. But I will prevail. God as my witness, I shall prevail in this.
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PB, your SweetieBang sounds like a joy!
On the tie thing, my own dear father, now 82 but looking barely a day over 60, took up wearing bolo ties when he and Mom took up square dancing many years ago. He now frequently wears bolo ties to all but the most formal events, and they look wonderful. For SweetieBang, I’m not talking something cute with faux spurs or longhorns, but something more like jewelry-for-men, such as
or
Comment by allison — May 2, 2008 #
Oh, dear, that didn’t quite work. It’s been a while since I did HTML coding.
Let’s try that again. Look at . I hope.
[Al, I got it the first post! Not to worry! Unfortunately, I associate bolo ties on young, non-Western-state dudes with that whole hippie look that too many UU men wear with scraggly facial hair and Guatemalan vests. They scare the ones you've linked to are nice, and I bet your dancing dad looks adorable in them. - PB]
Comment by allison — May 2, 2008 #
okay. I failed again. But the links should work, sorto of, if you click on the highlighted text.
oh dear. I used to get paid to do this sort of thing.
Comment by allison — May 2, 2008 #
Ah, sounds like my own fella who I brought in from California. Instead of island gear, he came equipped as a rock climber. Totally hot, but also possessing of two pairs of Gramicci climbing pants, a ratty pair of jeans, and a pair of beloved Birkenstock clogs and one pair of Chacos.
I took away his holey jeans and made us both Yoga bags out of the jeans. He bought new jeans.
We struck a compromise: he now has some “nice clothes” (button down shirts, a great blazer, and a few ties for “work”) and he kept his old Birk clogs, but he also bought some new, nice shoes.
And I took up climbing.
Comment by Rev. Bee — May 2, 2008 #
When are we going to see Mr. Wonderful in his new “Cock of the Walk” attire?
Comment by Larry — May 2, 2008 #
It probably depends on the partner, but I like the reference to the Ministerial Relations Committee. Have they gotten clear about what kind of ties the spouse/partner wants to have with the congregation, so they can reassure the partner that s/he doesn’t have to dress like an outsider to avoid being mistaken for an unpaid associate minister/chief bottlewasher?
Comment by Elz — May 2, 2008 #
If the minister wants to talk to his/her own spouse about wardrobe changes, fine. More power to you.
But I have to say that I’m bothered by the idea that anyone would find it their business to bring up the wardrobe choices of someone else’s spouse. I suppose if it were really, really out-of-line…but even then, how someone else’s spouse/SO dresses is just not your business. Even the suggestions PeaceBang gives here feel very passive-aggressive to me (though I’m sure that was not the intention). It reeks of the worst sort of nosy old lady who can’t stop whispering about how the pastor’s wife wears PANTS to CHURCH.
I get that there are spouses whose wardrobes could use a boost. I know a few. But I think we all ought to keep to our own closets and stay out of everyone else’s. [Yes, I'd like to live in such a world, too. But we don't. By the letters I've been receiving, the pastor's spouse has been dressing inappropriately enough to generate negative attention, and that's just reality world. - PB]
Comment by Shalom — May 2, 2008 #
I’m an ordained minister married to a pastor and I have to say, I can’t even imagine our church’s equivalent of a Ministerial Relations Committee coming to me to talk to me about my clothing choices. I love this blog and read it daily but I’ve got to disagree with this one. In what way is it any of their business how I dress? [It's very much their business: your represent their church and are its public face. -PB] understand that they might have opinions about it and if–as my friend or fellow congregant–they want to share their opinions with me, I’d want to hear them. But to sic the committee on me? Or to send the committee to talk to my husband about how I dress or how I smell? Really? If I carry an expensive handbag, are they going to talk to me about how I’m frivolously spending the money the church pays my husband? [I should hope not, but they may have opinions about that, too, and it's in your best interest to be aware of that -- not naive and not angry, as you obviously are. Don't shoot the messenger here. I'm responding to the world as it is, not the world as we wish it would be. - PB] As you said, being a minister’s partner IS almost as complicated as being a minister and this just makes my life even MORE complicated! [Honey, when God called us to ministry we were made no promises that this wouldn't be difficult, complicated and demand all of our patience, forbearance and Christian love. As a pastor yourself AND a pastor's spouse, I tip my hat to you -- you're definitely navigating many important roles at once. It must be hard.- PB]
Comment by T — May 2, 2008 #
Inquiring minds want to know: What is Sweetiebang’s occupation that he could move north immediately upon falling for Peacebang? [What are you, my mutha? - PB]
Comment by Maggie — May 3, 2008 #
Oh, dear. I have to respond so that I can continue to read this blog without feeling the hot embarrassment in my face that I feel right now. Trust me, please, that I KNOW that I represent the church in a very tricky, unspoken but real way and I definitely know that people feel that my appearance belongs to them on some level–that’s why I LOVE this blog!! It helps me every single day. And I have loved being a ministry spouse for 23 years–I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
My ONLY disagreement is the idea that the personnel committee [T, I didn't recommend the Personnel Committee, which makes the issue one of employment. I recommended the Ministerial Relations Committee, which deals with issues of relationship. These names differ from denomination to denomination and I apologize if that wasn't clear. - PB] would take it upon themselves to bring this to me–they would have safety in numbers and I would be humiliated alone. If my spouse talks to me about my appearance and I disregard or ignore him, we have bigger problems than my wardrobe. And if there is not one single person in the whole congregation who can come and talk to me privately in a loving and well-differentiated way [I agree that this would be far ideal to a committee feeling that it was appropriate to bring it up at a meeting. - PB], then again, we have much bigger problems than how I look or smell. (Thank God I’ve never been in a congregation where that was the case.)
Maybe the minister’s spouse’s appearance–in those cases–is more of a symptom of a larger problem???
Comment by T — May 3, 2008 #
I thank you for your suggestion of a direct, honest and loving approach.
This goes for others in the congregation as well whose appearance reflects on the whole congregation by virtue of their role in it.
For example, one’s committee chairs need not worship in bicycle shorts (though it is perfectly fine if they bike to church and change in the mens’ room before the service). If someone (hypothetically, I’m sure) were to do this, the appropriate thing to do would be to tell them how one felt.
m
Comment by Michael — May 4, 2008 #
PB, while I’m not you’re mother, I’m A mother, and these questions are just part of the job description. But whatever Sweetiebang does, you’re lucky to have found someone who’s mobile and flexible.
Comment by Maggie — May 5, 2008 #
Peacebang, my dear, this is where you and I part ways BIG time. As the clergy spouse, I can assure you that I would be not only offended but HOPPING MAD at anyone in the congregation, whether on some committee or whatever, who had the brass to try to tell me what to wear.
This is strictly between the minister and his/her partner. The church has NO business sticking their nose in. Think he looks like a slob? Too bad. Doesn’t represent what you think your congregation stands for? Tough luck.
You didn’t hire the minister’s spouse, and until you start paying his/her salary, church members have no call to have a single voiced opinion on any topic relating to that spouse’s personal life.
If there is a problem that is impacting the congregation in a real way or is interfering with the minister’s work, talk to the minister. Otherwise, butt out.
And I mean that in the nicest possible way. [I wish I could think of this response as anything but incredibly naive, but I can't. All I can say is that minister's partners who think this way had better be prepared to support their mate through frequent job searches. - PB]
Comment by Parslife — May 9, 2008 #
This all sounds pretty old school to me. I guess it would depend on the culture of the church, and if one belonged to a church where women only wore skirts, then I guess that’s what all the women should wear. But I wouldn’t belong to a church like that (I hope). [HS, the inquiries that I got spoke of minister's S.O.s who wear sweatpants to church, that sort of thing. This isn't about skirts and stuff. It's about such serious sloppiness and under-dressing as to cause distress and distraction. Sometimes people's attire just screams, "SOMETHING'S WRONG HERE!" -- no matter how much some readers of this blog protest that it's all about personal freedom. It's not. To be that clueless about appropriate attire is to make a very negative, passive-aggressive statement about the worth of the church and the role of the pastor in it. There's a lot of power in standing next to the minister in a tattered lumberjack shirt at a church event. It says, "You people and my spouse think this is important. Well, my attire is basically a big F-U to all of that. I'm showing you that I could care LESS." I find it fascinating that folks don't want to acknowledge that what we wear on our bodies indicates anything more than the ever-worshiped idol of Personal Preference. - PB]
Comment by h sofia — May 9, 2008 #
Hi PB,
Well, after 23 years in the parsonage I can assure you that my clear boundaries have not led to frequent job changes! It will be interesting to see if your thinking on this changes should you or SB ever be the target of this sort of behavior!
PL
Comment by Parslife — May 11, 2008 #
Wow, this sure touches a nerve. Reminds me about expectations that we seem to have about the First Lady (and someday the First Dude, no doubt). It seems to me that, just as the spouse of a presidential candidate gets a painful (and perhaps unfair) level of scrutiny in the campaign, our congregations do in fact consider the spouse/partner when they’re looking at candidates. We may not think that it’s fair, but I think that PB’s point is that we’d be unwise to pretend that it doesn’t exist.
Comment by Scott Gerard Prinster — July 3, 2008 #