Darlings, please forgive my sparse posting of late.
I am adjusting to a very unexpected and happy life change and part of that life change is leading me to reflect on the image of the minister’s partner.
Let me offer these initial thoughts:
1. Fair or not, the minister’s partner reflects on the minister. So single clergy, if you’re making a list of things you want in a partner, be sure to include “good sense of humor and willingness to be responsible to public image, even if recently arrived from tropical climes and accustomed to a wardrobe of flip-flops and swim shorts.”
2. Especially initially, dress thoughtfully for events where you will be seen together as a couple in a church setting. Here you are introducing someone very special to the people you love and serve. It would be naive to assure your sweetheart that he or she will not be subjected to scrutiny. Of course he or she will be. That’s because the minister’s partner will have a big influence on the emotional and domestic well-being of the minister him or herself, and your congregation has every right to check this person out and have an opinion. Therefore, unless you have serious intentions, don’t bother introducing someone you’re involved with to the church.
3. It’s not fair to expect unchurched people –especially introverts — to know what to expect as they prepare to be “debuted” at some point in your faith community. Coaching is fair and helpful. If your beloved is awkward and self-conscious in groups, introduce him or her to the congregation at low-key, non-church events where many parishioners are likely to be present. If he or she is gregarious and likes to be the center of attention, throw him or her into a coffee hour and see how he or she does.
3. Love does not conquer all. Clergy and their partners should consider how they will project their image as a team that works together not only in support and love for each other, but for the church. PeaceBang may be unrealistic and old-fashioned about this, but she deeply believes that ministers should love the church with all their heart, soul and strength and that they should not partner with people who do not visibly respect and support that devotion. If you believe that dressing with care and attention to detail reflects respect for the Church, your partner should prepare to do the same.
4. Love is patient, but not that patient. If your beloved has really bad hair, make-up, grooming habits or grody clothing, don’t tip-toe around the issue. Just get a Norelco nose hair trimmer and put it in the bathroom, pick her up a magazine with up-to-date hairstyles (or give her a gift certificate to the best salon in town), get to the sales at Macy’s (SweetieBang and I walked out of Macy’s with a new cold-weather wardrobe for him for less than $300), be supportive and assure your partner that you, too, are a work in progress. If you have a flair for what looks good, by all means have fun with your honey with it. Who doesn’t want to look better? But there, again, you have to be partnered with someone mature enough to understand why this is important, and who has a sense that paying attention to image is part of the fun of coupling.
As a minister’s partner, I would just add that having a few allies among church members for that first outing can be really helpful. On Sunday mornings, in particular, having a few familiar faces to sit with and/or head towards in coffee hour can make the whole thing a lot easier. Having to introduce oneself as the partner over and over gets onerous — especially if you’re having to approach other people for conversation rather than being approached, very typical for visitors in many of our churches, unfortunately! — while having someone introduce you to others can smooth things over, especially if you have any tendency towards shyness.
That said, it isn’t wise as the partner to “hole up” with just those few people; the point is to get to know the group as well and not appear standoffish or cliquish. It’s a heck of a balance, letmetellyouwhat.
SweetieBang??
how thrilling!
when do we get the dish?!
(kidding. sort of.)
🙂
SweetieBang!? Now dear, you know you’re going to have to tell us more.
Great post! I’d like to add something that couples could consider as well:
Clergy partners do NOT have to go to the church in which their honeys serve. When I was in my first parish job (I wasn’t and still am not ordained, but the issues are similar), my partner was on the vestry in another parish, so she couldn’t stop going there to attend the congregation in which I worked. As time progressed, we became very glad that this was how things worked, and while I don’t know whether I’ll be ordained or return to parish ministry in the future, I think we’re both pretty clear that if I do, my honey will find another congregation in the area she’s happy attending. Going to separate congregations make it less likely that she’ll be drawn into triangulation or conflicts with parishioners, lets her worship without feeling scrutinized on Sunday mornings, and also lets me talk about challenges at work (exercising confidentiality, of course) without her mind leaping to, “Oh, is Dylan talking about Frida? ‘Cause I don’t think she’s like that at all, and I really want to defend her.”
Of course, even if we do worship in separate congregations, there will occasionally be events at which my partner’s absence would be conspicuous, and she’ll go with me. And of course, there’s still the possibility of running into parishioners while we’re out as a couple, going to a movie or something. But in my experience, it’s a lot easier to cope with an occasional evening spent as a couple in a metaphorical fishbowl that it is to do that all the time.
Your mileage may vary, as they say — but I did want to make this option explicit as a possibility for those for whom it works best.
Yes, he is in for some fun times! This is exactly the topic of my blog “Meanwhile, back at the parsonage”. Come on over and visit!
http://parslife.wordpress.com
No, a clergy partner doesn’t have to go to the same church, but in most areas it’s the only one around, at least for Unitarian Universalists! I could drive to Santa Fe, I suppose, but I’ve been spoiled by a hubby who could preach the dictionary and still have the whole church in the palm of his hand, so why would I? 😉
I agree with clergy partners attending different churches, particularly if a partner is affiliated with a different faith tradition. I think there can be domestic unity in religious diversity and it can be less intimidating for partners who feel an identity separate from minister is vital to the survival of a relationship. Not to mention it makes for great conversations about faith!
Another issue is the role men play as clergy partners for women clergy. This is still fairly new in my tradition (as in, only 30 years old) and while liberating, difficult to navigate at times.
Thank you so much for your wise words that were (unfortunately) not even a discussion in my seminary education. As a young, single minister in her first full-time position, I appreciate your thoughts not only on looking good but what to do when that looking good catches someone’s eye! [That’s why I’m here, doll. Kiss of peace, PB]
Oh wow. “SweetieBang.” I teared up over this – both the cute nickname and the simple fact that such a person EXISTS.
God is very good. I am SO GLAD for you!!!
Ooooh, I remember the days of dating my husband (fortunately familiar and comfortable with church life, but the whole ‘pastor’s date’ thing was a bizarre new twist for him). Abso-freakin’-lutely you should introduce those partners carefully into parish life. Hope you are having as much fun as it sounds in your post!
I too agree that there are times for couples not to attend worship together — particularly when the pastor is female. In my tradition people are still not quite sure what to do with a female pastor (and I’ve been at the same church for 4 years). Roles are in place for the pastor’s “wife” (though even that should be outdaed) but no one knows what to do with the pastor’s husband. We’ve found that although it means we don’t share our spiritual community, we are able to be more supportive of one another if we draw clear boundaries and state “my husband will not attend my church (AKA: my work).” It doesn’t work for everyone, but I am relieved to see other couples exploring the same thing.