Not Looking Old

Remember a few posts ago when Gidget asked how to look young and hip without being delusional about it?

Lookee here! Seems Charla Krupp is a big expert on that very thing, and I would take her really seriously except for the fact that she looks kind of desperate and delusional in her own author photo. She has a great bod, but that top is way too tight and “LOOKA ME, I’M OVER 40 AND STILL HOT!” kind of way. I’d love to see her tone it down with maybe just a scoop-neck sweater with a slim belt around the waist, would accomplish the same thing but without the sense of screaming insistence for attention. Charla, you?’re so pritty! Relax on the skin-tighties, okay? Let’s give the teenagers someone to look up to! Right now it looks like you’re trying to compete with them, and that’s bad for Womankind.

Her advice about lightening the hair is a good one — but with some PeaceBang caveats. By all means cover the gray (if it’s not a beautiful, flattering gray) and avoid dark monochromatic helmet hair. But not all women over 40 should go blonde or anywhere near blonde. Caramel and chestnut brunettes, classy auburns and deep glossy blacks (think Angelica Huston) can all work beautifully. The challenge for hair after 40 is that it have a distinctive style, that it flatter the skin tone, and that it have body, shape and shine (all signs of youthful vitality), not that it necessarily be just lighter. There are some GODawful blondified senior gals out there, suffering from Mousse Abuse and looking like those dead dandelion heads, dried-out and dead. Lighter is not necessarily the answer.

I am definitely scared of the models showing off those garish sculpting undergarments (that which PeaceBang personally refers to as Severely Constricting Undergarments, and recommends to every woman over 30 who isn’t super fit). Their make-up is like something out of a community theatre production of “Cabaret.” Are they just moments from breaking into a verse from “Mein Herr?” I feel I must leave the room for my own safety before the Bob Fosse stomping and throwing of chairs begins.

Charla’s advice on jeans is RIGHT ON, so she gets a PeaceBang Halo of Praise for that! Likewise, she is dead on about not being matchy-matchy (I am so sorry when I see clergywomen in those hideous skirt-and-jacket suits in pastels or bright colors like magenta or green or sapphire blue, you know the ones, with the little scalloped lace detail on the collar? It’s obvious that so much care has been taken to look so “put together,” but the effect is total Mother of the Groom — repressed, grandmatronly, the opposite of vital and creative). She’s right that bangs are very in right now and could work for a lot of you (but not bowl-cut bangs and not too short).

So overall, a good article. Worth a skim through the photos. If anyone gets the book, let me know if it was worth the money.

On the Subject of “Young and Hip”…

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CULLAH! Isn’t that a terrific color!? Wouldn’t that just give you a lift? Imagine it with a pair of terrific black trousers and pointy pumps or flats. Voila. You walk into the nursing home in that top and I guarantee you’ll be a beam of sunshine. (I might wrap a sheer sage green or white scarf around my neck for the nursing home if the neckline dips as low as it looks like it might). You can go right from the nursing home to a staff meeting and then out to dinner (whip off the scarf first). For those who want to start taking a few little risks with their personal style, color is a great place to start. If this feels too loud for you, that’s fine. But how about a blouse the same color paired with a dark blazer? Tied together with a belt and a vibrant lip color? Step out. See how you feel.

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More CULLAH! A far more modest cut, but it still has a fetching shape to it, and so snuggly! Again, pair it with a pair of terrific trousers and some boots with a heel. Pull your hair back and roll it in a messy chignon to give yourself a neck, add a pair of interesting dangly earrings and you’re so much fun! If you’re pale-complected, be sure to wear some blush so you don’t look washed out.

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LINE! Pants is pants is pants, right?
No! Just because we can zip them and bend over without splitting the seat doesn’t mean that our pants are fitting us well. Please take the time at the store and the tailor and get it right (or as right as you can, and that means burning all elastic-waist pants in the new year).

Pants should have an elegant line that flatters your shape (gentlemen, you too! Pear-shaped fellas should make sure their trousers aren’t too short and/or in any way fitted or tapered around the ankle, and this includes jeans — and for our portlier gentlemen, please stop wearing your pants down around the, um, where the zipper should be. The waist of your trousers should sit at your WAIST. Find it, or have your tailor help you find it, and get your belt around it. This isn’t easy if you have a big gut, PeaceBang understands. And she sympathizes that you don’t have the option of wearing a skirt. But she has too often lived in fear that her heavy male colleagues might accidentally “drop trou” in the midst of pastoral duties and feels the need to say something about this sartorial challenge. Getting pants to fit both a large stomach and a typically flat masculine derriere is why we pay our tailors good money and treat them like gold. P.S. guys, layers can camouflage “figure flaws.” Like, if you need to wear your pants belted way under a beer belly, make sure your sports jacket fits well and can button in front. Wear a bold-colored tie to bring visual interest to your face and get a great hair-cut. Spiff up your spectacles, keep your facial hair impeccably groomed, and treat yourself to more hours at the gym. Take care of your dear selves).

PeaceBang has a horrible, horrible body shape for pants and shops for trousers with the grim determination of a prison matron searching her unfortunate charges for contraband: “I know ya got something in there! Give it up!”
Because of her lumpiness, PeaceBang’s pants never look good, nor do they ever fit quite right, but they fit as well as is humanly possible. Add some Seriously Constraining Undergarments and that’s as good as it gets for this meatball. My point, and I do have one, is that human bodies come in a wonderful variety of shapes and sizes and pants are therefore a notoriously difficult garment to fit well. It’s really worth it to search far and wide for a make and a cut that works for you, then remain loyal to it.

And as an added cultural commentary, PeaceBang has been simply HORRIFIED to see on-air personalities on the morning shows applauding make-overs featuring poor women whose pants seem to have eaten their feet!! Whence the sudden popularity of hems that drag on the ground? Whatever the source of this fashion faux pas, PeaceBang sternly decries it.
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Skirts is skirts is skirts? Not so. Shapeless skirts are awful and aging on everyone. If you like long skirts, see how this one actually has a shape?? Pair it with a blouse or blazer with darts and you’re in business. A belted top would be even better; perhaps with a creative cascade of pendants or chains. Resist the temptation to pair it with a sweater that goes past your hips or you’ll look as though you’re drowning in fabric (especially if you’re a shortie). I saw a very petite gal at a seminary conference last year wearing a skirt of this length with a long thick sweater (and I mean long: it went well below mid-thigh). She also had a pageboy haircut worn with an Alice In Wonderland headband. The combined effect was that of a little girl home from school waiting for Mommy to give her milk and cookies. She could not have physically diminished herself and undermined her own authority more if she had worn a Little Bo-Peep costume. Don’t let this happen to you.

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And how about this cutie? VERY much in fashion right now, a great color, and would be entirely appropriate for a pastor as long as she counters its youthful insouciance with a neat and tailored top, say, a black twin set and knee-high black boots with opaque black tights. Because of the fullness of the skirt, you’d want your top to have good coverage (no drooping or scoopy necklines) and keep accessories simple. Hair should look polished, not cute (no headbands with this), and a classic bag will finish your look off beautifully. If the color seems de trop for you, do consider the shape. It’s very “in” right now and it’s far more forgiving to women’s hips than the pencil skirt. This should be worn with elegant flats, or perhaps a chunky-heeled Mary Jane but not a clog or anything even vaguely belonging to the “sensible shoes” category. Boots would be good.

Go have fun. PeaceBang is going back to finish watching “That’s Entertainment II” and to enjoy the last night of peace before church life starts again full swing for 2008.

Nightmare Headshots: Don’t Let This Be You!

Darlings,

It’s such a good idea to have a professional quality headshot of yourself for those times you’ll be appearing in a brochure, catalog or flier. Do get someone to take one for you and keep it on hand, and better out-of-date than to have nothing appropriate at all.

Give some thought to how you want to look in that photo. Do you want to be in natural lighting or inside in the church? Do you want to be wearing vestments, a suit, or something more casual? What image do you want to project? It’s a great idea to have a few options so you can pick and choose.

PeaceBang herself has a decent photo taken in the church in 3/07 by the producer of “Nightline” (on nothing more fancy than PB’s digital camera) and a “personality” headshot suitable for theatre lobbies, but nothing formal. She is reminding herself that she needs to do something about this.

That said, PeaceBang has just run into two ministerial headshots that caused her to gasp in dismay. In one, a middle-aged woman is hunched down in the frame smiling tentatively, her hair laying (lying? grammar geeks, do tell) in lank pools around her shoulders. She appears to have no neck whatsoever. Her head is at an awkward angle and her skin is a very angry shade of pink; a case not of Rouge Abuse but of a naturally ruddy complexion. It is a terrible, sloppy photograph that never should have been used for any professional use, and which badly undermines this person’s efforts to promote herself as a leader. Don’t let this happen to you, sugarplum fairies!

The second consternation-causing photograph I found online tonight features a middle-aged male pastor looking dead-on into the camera lens and leaning forward with a smiling expression of such insecure need it’s as though he’s going to JUMP THROUGH THE LENS AND MAKE YOU LOVE HIM!! He is wearing a stole over street clothes (why, I have no idea — I wasn’t aware that sitting for an informal snapshot was a pastoral function). Does this photograph make me want to visit this minister’s church? Quite the opposite. In fact, it makes me want to RUN AWAY from fear, for the look in this man’s eyes and his posture give me the distinct feeling that he has serious boundary issues, and that’s no laughing matter.

Some tips for informal photos to be used for promotional materials:

1. Sit up straight!!! and find a good, relaxed angle.
2. Practice your smile. Some people grimace and look pained when they pose for photos, some smile with their tongue between their teeth. There’s no shame in finding a nice smile.
3. If photographing in color, take some test shots to see that your skin tone and make-up look right.
3. Take a lot of photos: this image is IMPORTANT! Do not feign modesty and walk away after the first snap. You are responsible for your public image — take the time and effort to get something good. If you use digital it’s no trouble at all to take two dozen photos in different poses and facial expressions, download them and choose the best.
4. For God’s sake, fix your hair!
5. Gents, if you’re being photographed in a suit in a seated position, pull the jacket down and smooth it so the shoulders aren’t bunched up.
6. Ask someone with good aesthetic sense to be your stylist for the occasion. They can keep a critical eye on bad hair, wrinkled or bunched clothing and give you someone to smile AT, which makes your expression ever so much more genuine.

Go be beautiful!

On Installations and Ordinations: Etiquette and Dress

It’s always tough to go from an ecclesiastical engagement to a social one, isn’t it? And what’s a girl to WEAR?

This Sunday I will be participating in an installation (wearing vestments to the service, but there’s the reception to dress for, too) and then meeting friends for a casual dinner. It would be so tempting to wear a cute dress with a long, granny sweater, boots and big earrings and do the Boho Look, but that just wouldn’t be appropriate for the historic congregation. I feel that a formal occasion in the church calls for structured clothing on the clergy. Therefore, I will be wearing a black suit, these shoes in blackbrown-belladonna.jpg, and try to add some “interest” factor with a neat belt and scarf. I’ll have to be overdressed for dinner but there are benefits: that belt and slightly snug blazer will probably keep me from chowing down too enthusiastically!

Pigeons, hear me on this: no minister should wear corduroy anything to an installation. It’s too informal. We have so few truly special occasions left in this jeans-and-Crocs world, the clergy should be impeccable at these events. It’s a visual way of connecting with the past and honoring the present.

Furthermore, my fine feathered friends, our conduct at installations and ordinations should be as elegant as our dress. It pains PeaceBang’s heart and makes her blood pressure rise when ministers get into the pulpit at an ordination and make jokey, social-clubby work of the Charge to the Minister, the Right Hand of Fellowship or any of the other elements. This is wildly inappropriate and PeaceBang ardently wishes she never felt the need to say anything about it, but she finally must. An ordination or installation is not a party, it is a religious ceremony. An installation is not a clergy hazing ritual, it is a sacred rite which establishes bonds between congregation and their chosen minister (I speak from a congregational polity perspective, of course). It is one thing to use warm humor and a personal touch in our moments with the ordinand or new minister; it is another thing altogether to chortle and fumble our way through some aspect of the liturgy that we have not thoroughly prepared on the theological, emotional and purely technical level. The former is delightfully human, the latter is inexcusably sloppy and disgraceful.

If we are asked to participate in an ordinaton or an installation, it is our responsibility to know where our piece fits in the liturgy, to meet with the liturgist (or at least speak with him/her) about our part, and to think through not only our words but our “staging,” if there is any. We should arrive early enough to robe and to receive our instructions regarding how and when to ascend the pulpit, and when to leave. Are we introducing a hymn? Should we remain up at the pulpit while another colleague gives a prayer or reading, and exit with him/her for symmetry’s sake? We must think not only of our piece, but of the transitions in and out of it.

There’s an awful lot of showbiz in these services, and as it is the participants’ responsibility to learn our part, so is it the responsibility of the ordinand/installee to stay in close touch with the presiders and to provide them with all the information they need. There should be a marshall chosen and trained in advance to “run the show,” if you will, so that the ordinand or “installee” is not troubled by these details on this big day. A water pitcher and glasses, tissues, cough drops and sufficient copies of the Order of Worship will all be appreciated in the robing room, as will a full-length mirror and un-messy, un-sugary snacks for pastors on the run who had no time for lunch. If we wonder why so few of our colleagues attend ordinations and installations, PeaceBang would tend to guess that low blood sugar and late-Sunday exhaustion has a lot to do with it. Set out some coffee and little sammies for the preacher boys and girls and we may see our district attendance rising at these events.

If they are traveling any considerable distance, a sit-down meal should be provided afterward for major participants (whom we may assume are especially dear to the ordinand’s heart and therefore a delightful prospect as dinner guests): they should not be expected to fill their bellies while on their feet during the busy din of a reception. This meal should be planned with the Ordination/Installation Committee and can be as simple or as fancy as the church budget allows. It should not be omitted for any reason, however, as it is most inhospitable to import colleagues from a distance and then fail to feed them before they get back on the road home. What have we come to that we should expect either busy colleagues or eminent retirees to travel to our church on our behalf, deliver carefully prepared words and prayers, stand on their feet for an hour “working the crowd,” and then climb back into the car or plane exhausted and unfed? I’m sorry to say it so bluntly, newbies, but a generation that considers gracious hospitality optional is a sorely deficient generation of the Church.

Hear ye! Preachers for the event should receive a gift in the mail within a month of preaching your service: they have, after all, taken extraordinary pains to craft a special sermon for your special event and very possibly their second of the day. It is an enormous honor to be asked to preach at your ordination or installation, but also a burdensome responsibility. Do not fail to recognize, and to appreciate, this. PeaceBang has preached one ordination sermon in her life that took her no less than 15 hours to craft to her satisfaction( and during her vacation, no less)! She doubts that this gets much easier with time and experience. Other participants should receive a written thank-you note within a few months.

Although we are in an era of modernizing the church and its programs, installations and ordinations are occasions requiring the utmost decorum and attention to detail. They are teaching moments for the Church and shining examples of our polity in action. Above all, congregations themselves should be educated well in advance of the installation or ordination on the history and meaning of these occasions so that they are not, as PeaceBang has too often seen in the Free Church, sitting in the pews under the impression that they are passive, fond observers of this ritual, but understand their centrality to the proceedings.

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(Random photo: I have no idea who all these Piskies are but they look nice for this event.)

Non, Non Sweatshirts!

Honeybuns,
Sorry I’ve been far too busy to write much of late, but I just want to fly in here to mention one concerning* observation:

CAN WE PLEASE AGREE THAT SWEATSHIRTS ARE NOT SUITABLE ATTIRE FOR CLERGYPERSONS?

I’m hoping that we can.

If we can just do that, PeaceBang promises never to use the word “concerning” again.

Merci, pigeons.