Self-Care But Not Over-Indulgence

A friend left a voice mail for me yesterday that went, to the tune of “Frere Jacques,”

“Reverend Weinstein, Reverend Weinstein
How are you? How are you?
Are you feeling burned out? Are you feeling burned out?
It is May. It is May.”

I cackled because it’s a common malady among Unitarian Universalists to be pretty fried this time of year. We’re in the home stretch of our program year and stressing over annual reports, staff annual reviews, budget meetings, planning for the following year and running out of sermon fodder before the summer slow-down (and when many of us take a significant portion of our vacation and study leave time).

Whenever we get crispy, darlings, it’s important to step carefully.

One of the realities of ministry is that pastoral demands do not slow down or cease just because administration and institutional work ramps up. It is your job to keep the church’s priorities straight by keeping your own in order. You must have the spiritual, emotional and physical well-being necessary to pastor well, and you must protect yourself in order to do so. We cannot silently sacrifice ourselves on the altar of competing demands! We must rather keep channels of healthy communication open with our leaders and staff to inform them of how well we’re doing keeping up with our obligations.

Learn how to say, “Sorry, I’m doing my best,” or “That’s enough for one day, we can pick this up later” and “I won’t be able to get that done by tomorrow but I promise you I’ll move heaven and earth to get it to you by ______________.” Stay plugged in. As tempting as it may be to run and hide, don’t run and hide. Don’t smile and say you’re just dandy if you’re not. No one is dandy all the time, and if we model to folks that we’re ALWAYS A-OKAY TRULY I’M AWESOME that perpetuates perfectionism, which is a killer.
Be real, tell the truth, stay close to your leaders. Your honesty gives them permission to be real themselves.

You don’t have to be okay and up on everything all the time. Just try to keep track of whom you are disappointing and apologize, and try to make deadlines. Where you can’t do A+ work, do B- work. My dissertation advisor used to say to me, “Just get it done. Hand it in. The best chapter is a done chapter. You can revise it later.”

Crises roll in like waves on the beach and you’ve got to respond to them because ultimately, you are the only one who can do that spiritual care to the dying or the devastated, and that takes precedence. The capital campaign meetings will survive without you, and maybe they’ll have to for awhile. The community organizing may have to go on the back burner because your sermons are getting written between 2 and 5 AM on Sunday mornings, and that’s unsustainable, you mad wizard, you! You may get sick or depressed yourself. Your kid might break a leg and suck up all your free moments. You may find yourself out of wise words for the brilliant annual report you had envisioned. Just keep up the best you can and when you can’t, let those who are relying on you know that you’re behind and what you plan to do to catch up.

If you have no conceivable plan for catching up, you may be in trouble. Holler for help. Call an emergency meeting with your deacons or board president and get some help. The consequences of you not checking into rehab or the psychiatric unit could be terrible for everyone. Please make quick arrangements, trust that others can step in, and check in.

NOW, ALL THAT SAID…

DON’T BE PRECIOUS LITTLE FRAGILE BABIES.

My eyes roll back in my head when I hear ministers carrying on about how HARD they work and how MUCH they sacrifice and oh my GOD IT’S NOT ‘NAM.

It is my experience that ministers have such a hard time behaving like ordinary, flawed human beings on a regular basis, they have a poorly calibrated Attitude Balance Mechanism. There is a pernicious expectation MOSTLY PERPETUATED AND ENABLED BY CLERGY THEMSELVES that clergy will be ultra-available and ultra capable of performing at peak awesomeness as spiritual, emotional, professional, counseling, priestly, administrative, justice-making people in every task of ministry, literally 24/7. Because that’s impossible, we have set up Self-Care as the alternative, which is a good and sane thing, but not as an act of defiance. Self-care can sometimes border on narcissism and can further lead to abuse of substances as well. Then it becomes imperative to seek help from rehabs like those found in rehabnear.me. There is a fine line and a lot of pressure is put on ministers, making it difficult for them to strike a balance.

It is not okay to say “Screw it, I’m just going to ignore everything for a week. I need to engage in self-care!”
Someone needs to know that you are checking out for your health and sanity. Be fair.
It is not okay to say, “I am furious at my board so I am not going to any more meetings as an act of self-care.”
Yes, you have a calling but you are also an employee. Better make sure you have bishop’s backing before absenting yourself. Better yet, sit down with your chair and an ecclesiastical mediator before it gets that bad.
It is not okay to skip three consecutive Sundays in the pulpit because you have a minor health issue.
If you’re a parish minister, preaching and worship leading is the most important program you lead. If you abandon it and lose congregational contact, don’t be surprised if you lose congregational support. See to your priorities.
It is not okay to scream at anyone in frustration no matter how tired, sick, or angry you are. Abusive displays of temperament are not “self-care” even if it supposedly feels satisfying to vent in this manner. It is professional misconduct, not self-care.
It is not okay to radically shift your ordinary work schedule in deference to self-care. We are accountable to many people and systems of operation in our ministries. If you feel it wise for your self-care to take two days off instead of one and take less vacation time, or to take three days off at the end of the month and and work a 7-day week the other weeks, you must consult with others about those plans. It is not fair or professional to spring such surprises on others and expect them to accommodate you.

We are humans and as such, we get angry, defiant, resentful and exhausted. However, as we cheerlead each other to be authentic, healthy, faithful and wise, let’s not enable each other to adopt unfair self-care practices or stances that place unfair burden on lay leaders, congregants, colleagues or staff.