The United States has largely lost any sense of formality, but there are certain occasions upon which certain formalities should be carefully observed. The funeral (or memorial service) is one of those occasions.
For officiants:
No toes should be visible. Not even a peep-toe. No toes.
No legs should be on display by the officiant. This isn’t about sexiness, it’s about decorum and formality. If you’re a dignitary attending a funeral, you may wear a black suit with a knee-length skirt WITH PANTYHOSE. If you’re a movie star attending a funeral, you may wear an LBD (Little Black Dress) cut above the knee, large sunglasses and a poodle on your head. No one cares. But if you are a Clergy Person, by gum, you should not display legs. If you are a reader, that’s fine. If you are attending in a non-clerical capacity, a knee-length skirt is perfectly appropriate. If you are a minister, wear a longer skirt or robe. Or pants. Just be smart and tailored (semi-flowy skirt is okay but keep your top structured).
Everyone: keep your shoes ON YOUR FEET throughout the entire service. This goes for always, but especially in the funeral. I officiated at a funeral yesterday morning and was horrified to see that I had let my flat shoes slip off my heel and dangle as I sat cross-ankle in my chancel chair. BAD PEACEBANG! Let my error be your lesson. I once saw a clergyman sitting bare foot with loafers under his pulpit gown. He was sitting with his knees crossed (another no-no) and had let his loafer dangle off his foot, revealing crusty heel. I was horrified. It was disrespectful and distracting.
Never officiate at a funeral and then leave the building without circling back to the bereaved and offering your condolences, wishing them well, and thanking them for the opportunity to celebrate their loved one’s life with them. The same thing goes for a wedding or any other rite of passage: even if you’re not able to attend the reception, bid the people who planned the service with you a proper adieu. This may have just been another day of ministry for you, but for them, you have played a unique and memorable role in their family history. Never take that for granted. Please take a look at the best funeral cover review to learn all about funeral insurances.
Thank you, thank you. Yes, yes, yes. And no sleeveless tops for those who don’t robe.
Thank goodness for the Black Suit That Every Minister Should Own. When I retired I got rid of a lot of my dressier Sunday clothes, but held onto the BSTEMSO. Modest knee-length skirt, nicely fitted jacket, looks great with a cream-colored knit top and a small chalice necklace. Managed to hang onto the closed-toe black low-heeled shoes as well (hope slingbacks are OK, PB?), and even coped with pantyhose. All this for a funeral at a National Cemetery last week for a baby with chromosomal abnormalities who died at 28 weeks’ gestation. Complete with the Patriot Guard Riders, a bunch of gnarly-looking vets (probably Vietnam-era) sporting black leather and American flags, who come to military funerals to protect the mourners just in case the Westboro Baptist “Church” should show up. One of them thanked me for the Equal Rights sticker on my car bumper — made my day! [*nodding soberly* – PB]
On one of the hottest mornings of this past July I deaconed a funeral at my field ministry site. Sure, I was vested appropriately–wearing a tank top and bare legs under my robe but no one knew. Yes, I wore the black closed-toe pumps. It was an impressive site, however, to see the large gathering of put-together men and women in their best church suits and hats. There was joy and there was sorrow, and a great deal of dignity. Some of us are old enough to remember that you went to important occasions dressed uncomfortably, and you felt lucky to be near the standing electrical fan. There certainly was no air conditioning.
This was a timely post. I had just decided to not wear pantyhose to last Wednesday’s funeral and then I saw this post. Rats…rats…rats…the combination of graveside service on a hot day and pantyhose are not something I like to contemplate. But properly chastised, I put on the dreaded hose. Fortunately the forecast had changed from 95+ to a balmy 85 or there-abouts. So I survived.
For the record – I was the only woman in hose that day. My rural community is pretty informal, even for funerals. So I have a follow up question: I always robe for funeral, and I wear the robe to the cemetery too. Does the pantyhose rule still apply?
BTW – If the temps are close to 100, I’m not wearing hose. Period. My community has made it clear they don’t want that kind of sacrifice from their pastor. Perhaps I’ll invest in a really light weight pair of black pants.
I am going to officiate a funeral at a funeral home. Can I were a white clergy robe?
Hi Rosalyn,
I don’t see why not, although I’d recommend clericals and a nice black suit rather than vestments. I don’t see a lot of clergy actually robing for funeral home services. I think the only reason I would wear a robe in a funeral home would be that I didn’t own appropriately formal professional wear This is not a question of absolute tradition, it’s a personal judgment call. As far as black versus white robes go, I think either is fine for a funeral these days. It depends on your setting, though, as in all things. If you’re in a very traditional setting where you think folks might be fanning their faces in disbelief that the officant wore WHITE to father’s funeral, stick with black. White conveys baptism and weddings in many traditions. – PB