Whew!! We are EXHAUSTED after slogging through the worst Oscars telecast of a lifetime! I mean, sexist, offensive and aggressively unfunny. The smarmy Seth McFarlane was an even worse host than that James Franco/Anne Hathaway debacle of a few years ago, and having the orchestra down the street made all the singers uptight and fixated on the monitor as they knew they were dead in the water if they got out of sync with the conductor. Norah Jones had that perky little song to sing and a perky little dress to sing it in and she looked like a deer in headlights, poor deer. Get it? This is what passes for humor tonight, my friend. This is what passes for humor.
I don’t even want to talk about the disgust I feel for the way little Quvenzhané Wallis was treated by McFarlane and The Onion, which tweeted a vile joke about her. I mean, I got trolled by some over-earnest conservative Christian girls for tweeting that Kristen Stewart looked like she took an eggbeater to her hair (she did — I am SO tired of that girl’s “I’m a rebel so I won’t wash my hair or smile” schtick — you’re making millions of dollars, Miss Stewart, stand up straight and do your job for the studios). I hope McFarlane and his writing team are raked across the coals for their truly terrible script. My friends and I kept saying, “Someone got paid to write that joke.” Steve Martin was funnier Tweeting than Seth McFarlane was hosting. Social media triumphs again!
So let’s focus on the POSITIVE, shall we? Let us lift up the individuals who showed up and did a great job at projecting a polished public image and made us feel happy and sparkly just because they were in the room. They’re MOVIE STARS, so they have an arsenal of stylists, hairdressers, plastic surgeons, make-up artists and designers on hand to help them meet the simple criteria of looking fabulous and projecting strength, talent and artistic competence. [Please click on the photos to enlarge them.]
The night belonged to Dame Shirley Bassey. I am never a fan of illusion netting, but who cares when the woman wearing it is bringing down the house with still-amazing pipes, supernatural diva presence and bow-down-mere-mortals glamor? We got chills. We got tears. The girl has still got it. We bowed down, because we are mere mortals. GOLD-FINGAH!
She was magnificent. She owned the stage. She walked into the stupid frat party atmosphere that Seth McFarlane created and turned the night into something glamorous and impressive, just like Hollywood should be. Hair, make-up, dress, the whole package was delicious:
Miss Charlize Theron reminded us all that she has a modeling background by dominating in a stunning, structured Dior haute couture gown with no big bling around her face and no gimmicks. Just stunningly exquisite skin and bone structure, make-up and a thoroughly modern take on the pixie cut. Her posture is awe-inspiring. Find footage of her just walking onto the stage and be enchanted. She is a tremendous talent and beauty. How sad that Hollywood has such a pathetic paucity of roles for women. Click that pic and get a gander.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you seventy-five year old Jane Fonda tearing it up in canary yellow Versace. Click that photo and check out her posture. Now I ask you, have you EVAH. Her hairstyle and hair color are a bit dated, ’tis true, but she bears herself with total elegance that anyone who regularly wears clerical vestments should study. Hollywood youngsters should take lessons from Jane. Honestly, these gals are wearing millions of dollars worth of diamonds and gown and they don’t know how to hold their shoulders back or how to walk. They come tumbling out of limos hiking up their skirts and flashing the paps — that would NEVER happen if they emulated their elders. Can you see Audrey Hepburn or appearing on the runway with the kind of lank, messy hair and slumpy posture exhibited by Jennifer Aniston? I THINK NOT. Miss Jane, you sure do know how to give face and pose.
I loved Daniel Day-Lewis. He gave the performance of the year, I thought, and made me forgot how young and beautiful he actually is. I like his blue tux — he is known for crazy get-ups — and he was funny and charming and altogether a man of tremendous poise Swoon.
His classiness vs. Seth McFarlane’s smarmy jerkiness… it was painful Did you hear McFarlane’s incredibly tasteless John Wilkes Booth joke? What a schmuck. Who thought that was funny???
Here is DDL again with presentress Meryl Streep, who always chooses gowns with the most unflattering cut. Click it and see.
Also a beautiful, well-groomed and eloquent man was Best Director Ang Lee. This is Handsome City, and I flat-out worship the guy. I had hoped Spielberg would win for “Lincoln,” but I have the greatest respect for Ang Lee, who has directed two literary pieces I never thought could be translated to a visual medium (“Brokeback Mountain” and “The Life of Pi”). You would never dream that this man spends most of his time scrubbing around a set or locked in an editing room.
For Most Improved on the runway I would have to say Miss Jessica Chastain, who has had a hard time figuring out what her image is all about. It has been interesting to watch such an incredibly talented and versatile actress struggle to find her signature look, and I am watching her career with a great deal of admiration. I thought she did herself proud projecting a regal, glammy Old Hollywood vibe tonight. The red lipstick is inspired. Anything less and she would have disappeared into that gown. She strikes me as a highly intelligent, intense artist. I look forward to seeing a lot more of her.
Best dramatic make-up of the night goes to British songstress Adele, of course… she of the iconic winged eyeliner. Her hair was FABULOUS down! Her signature look is a teased, bouffed updo, so note how much visual interest she generates by leaving her hair down for this important occasion. Smart girl, and great hair. The shoes are awful and I’m not crazy about the dress but it’s a major improvement over her Grammys dress, which was curtains, if you recall.
And for minimalist, fresh-faced, pretty girl make-up, I could not stop staring at Kerry Washington. The photos don’t do her justice but every time she appeared onscreen my friends and I gasped at her amazing skin and bone structure and general dewy gorgeousness. Again, again, again… it doen’t matter how good your make-up artist is if your skin isn’t in good condition. Kerry W. has unbelievably flawless skin.
After having seen most of the films nominated for Best Picture I can say that my vote for Most Beautiful Performance goes to Richard Parker of “The Life Of Pi.” I’m so sorry he wasn’t a presenter tonight. He has the most impressive natural elegance of anyone in the industry.
Those stripes are so darned handsome.