I should never shop in Talbot’s unless there’s this one snappy woman I like who works there working. But I was meeting a guy for a coffee date at Barnes & Noble and I had a few minutes to spare and I popped into Talbot’s to see what they had by way of BLAZERS THAT AREN’T BLACK OR BROWN OR NAVY because I’ve been hoping to expand my wardrobe with a non-BLACK OR BROWN OR NAVY blazer for, oh, about TEN YEARS now (no exaggeration, my one very light teal blue blazer is summer weight, over a dozen years old and so faded I really need to get rid of it ) and they had a very pretty pink boucle one in the window.
Who am I kidding? I am SO not the pink tweedy type. I’m also not the type to spend that much money on a jacket.
But as I was trying things on, the saleslady was trying to sell me other options. She was just a nice, hard-working woman trying to do her job. The only trouble is, I really know what works and what doesn’t for me, and I really know what I like and what I don’t like.
She brought me a sale jacket with gold buttons and a peplum. I hated it a lot, but I was pretty nice. “Oh thanks, but I really don’t like gold buttons. I only wear silver detailing. It’s just a thing of mine.” I think our friendly saleslady was a little frustrated at that point because she said to me, “Well, this peplum would really be good for your figure.”
I know what she means. She’s too nice to say, “your figure FLAWS by which I mean the tire ’round your lower abdomen, girl!” So I go, “Yea, I’ve got a LOT OF figure.” We both laughed.
Body-shaming is rampant in our culture and I like to undermine it whenever possible. I don’t hate my fat, I don’t hate my body, but I do find it very difficult to dress and fit. I do complain about my bod because of that, and that’s legit. But I hope you will join me in pushing back against body-shaming wherever we see or hear it.
Early last week I was Christmas shopping in Chico’s and openly eavesdropping on a beautiful, 70-something self-shaming woman who was trying on party clothes (openly eavesdropping is my favorite thing to do. This is when you just act like you’re with someone on a shopping trip and get to ooh and ahhh at how pretty they look when they come out of the dressing room or pick up a pair of shoes or try on a hat). The woman’s husband was shopping with her and they were debating the “slimming” effect of two different black outfits. After listening to her berate herself I finally said, “You’re beautiful! Why are you being so MEAN to yourself?” Without any hesitation, she wearily said, “I just hate myself right now.”
As ministers, we don’t walk by when we see someone weeping on a park bench, or holding out their hand for food. In most of our communities, people (particularly women of all ages) often openly walk around abusing themselves in the form of culturally-acceptable body-shaming. Please interrupt, question and lovingly challenge it wherever you can. Perhaps we might consider this an Advent season spiritual commitment: in reverence for the miracle of God’s incarnation in human form, we could love our bodies more, and encourage others to do the same.
I did an internet search for well-written, thoughtful blogs and found you. I’ve lurked for awhile and now I am de-lurking to say that dig what you do here and I especially dig this entry.
practically: I’ve had good luck finding blazers at coldwater Creek (more choices in their catalogue) and INC at Macy’s usually has one “pop” color per season (some seasons it’s pukey, but some it’s nice and bright)…
reflectively: It is really hard to overcome a lifetime of body-hating and the dysmorphia we develop. And it gets worse as you get older, because as gravity wins each battle, there is more and more that falls (no pun intended) short of the “ideal”, and wrinkles refuse to disappear regardless on what you put on them.
Note of caution on Coldwater Creek catalogue: some of their things photograph beautifully and the fabric looks cheap when you actually get the thing. I hate returning stuff.
Note on things getting “worse” as you age: You’re looking at (the words of) someone who just took a scissors to her Batgirl t-shirt to cut horizontal slits down the sides and the back, and cut off the sleeves and neckband. It’s yellow and I put a bright orange sports bra under it. I got this idea from the hot 60-something woman in my Zumba class (which is the ONLY place this clergy gal is going to wear it.) It looks cute and it’s really fun. My motto: “I may not be ripped, but my t-shirt is.” Thank you, I’m here all week.
I serve a church in the heart of Dixie where fried chicken and sweet tea reign and vegetables are only eaten when soaked in animal fat. I am wholly convinced of caring for my body as a spiritual practice. But I lack the quick tongue to speak into these body shaming jabs. In particular, I am often told by parishioners that they are going to “fatten” me up. Exact words. I’m young. I’ve had no children. I’m at a healthy weight (in the exact words of my doctor at recent physical). Can someone offer me a quick, grace-filled, one liner I could recite next time someone tells me that they are going to “fatten” me up?
To Meg Kelley: How about: Are you planning on eating me?
Maybe I am being clueless but I don’t understand why saying “this would be good for your figure” is body shaming. It’s a simple fact that some clothing makes you look better (or worse) depending on your body type. From a salesperson in a clothing store, it seems like a perfectly legitimate and helpful thing to say.
[It usually is! Depends on how it's said. In this case, it was like she knew what I should be wearing better than I do. I have made some very intentional choices about what I try to camoflauge and what I don't, and why. There's a way to suggest, and this woman didn't have a respectful way. I almost gave her a nice Feminism 101 talk about why she shouldn't assume that any intelligent, self-sufficent middle aged woman wouldn't know her own body and have made decisions about how to dress herself, but I decided it wasn't worth it. I think she was just tired, losing her tact and wanting to make a sale. Talbot's is WAY overpriced, too, and that can't be helping her meet her quota for the day. - PB]
I had the MOST awesome conversation with this fabulous lady through the dressing room door while trying on new lingerie. Something I know I need, but I dislike. Anyway, as we’re making fun of the styles now available and how mature figures can’t quite fit in to the tween styles, I finish what I’m doing and come out, fully dressed.
The lady next door comes out of her dressing room…and she’s one of my parishioners. We decided to go for coffee (it was too early in the day for a cocktail) and we laughed about the strange places we meet people. Every now and then we still laugh about meeting at “the underwear store”. It was awesome!
To Meg K.– Just grin at the person who wants to ‘fatten you up’ and tell them, “You wouldn’t like me– I’m tough and stringy!” Then don’t forget to chuckle merrily.
It is also worth noting that the traditional Southern diet, (aka ‘soul food’) is the food of poverty.
You have my sympathy. I’m currently trying to develop a professional wardrobe after spending most of my adult life either in uniform or in jeans, and I’m tall and fat. If it fits me around the waist, it’s too short. If it’s a dress that fits me around the hips, the waist won’t fit right and it will be too big in the bust. I think I’ve managed to achieve tolerance of my looks, but I’ve never really LIKED them…
And it doesn’t help to run into salespeople who obviously don’t much care for fat women. Sometimes it’s hard to not tell them “insulting my intelligence is not a good way to get me to give you money.” I wish, for the life of me, that I COULD find a salesperson with a bit of sympathy and time, so I can pick some clothes that will suit me before I graduate from Divinity School in the spring!
Darcyjo, I can’t recommend Nordstroms enough if what you need is a salesperson with sympathy and time. Go during the day on a weekday for maximum attention! I find them very, very helpful.
Hi, all. Usually a lurker, but had to chime in. I’m a huge fan of PB and her advice. I’ve shared many a post with a friend of mine who also happens to “have a lot of figure” and knows very well what works on her frame and what doesn’t. (She also happens to be a marathoner and gets very angry that people assume because she’s fat she’s also out of shape.)
Anyway, my friend also has a blog and wrote on just this topic: http://www.embracingmyinnerkenyan.com/2012/05/23/skinny-clothes-and-bitchy-salesgirls/
Thought I’d share for those interested in a witty style of a girl who’s had it up to here with the guff…
I didn’t know Beyonce modeled for Talbutt’s.