Hebrews 13:18 Plus Size Tops

When it comes to plus sizes, God BLESS the manufacturers for their consistency. They are still religiously devoted to swathing larger bodies in yards of ugly, garish fabrics in bizarrrely designed garments.
It’s Hebrews 13:18 in fashion form: “Jesus Christ. The same yesterday, today and forever.”

Meanwhile, how are you all? What a two years it has been.
I’d like to post more than a few times a year but I do have to figure out this new updated WordPress interface. Like you, I am absolutely fried from learning new tech skills, from decision fatigue, worry, anxiety, pivoting from format to format, general angst about reopening, masks, air circulation, room capacity, social distancing at coffee hour, whether we are having coffee hour, signage, sanitizers, carefully discussing how many verses of a hymn we should sing, should we sing at all, how to handle the offering, whether to handle the offering plates, and — what did I forget?

I have not forgotten you, clergy colleagues. I am coming up on the 25th anniversary of my ordination and 25th year of full time parish ministry and never in a million years could I have imagined what we are currently coping with.

Lenten love to you.

New Lingo Alert

Oh, pardon me a thousand times. I guess unstructured sweaters are now called OVERPIECES.
Lane Bryant getting all fancy.

They’re still not very FLATTERING, Lane Bryant. But okay, OVERPIECE it is.

Holiday Season Picks

Oh hell, YES, Forever 21! I will be rocking all your amazing plus-size lewks this season!

WHY WOULDN’T I WANT TO WEAR RED NETTING, I ASK YOU? AT ANY AGE! Or apricot cold shoulder shiny tops!
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WOOT, YES, so badly do I long to THROW shiny floral fabric around my midriff and pull on some … pants? Maybe pants? and STRIDE into my place of power as a religious leader!
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ALL of these garments… ALL of ’em, are flattering, beautiful, dignified! CONFIDENCE, FEEL IT in your grown-lady romper and asymmetrical sashage! You have a CHOICE today, laydeez! You can either go Hoochie Mama Minimalist or Baby Snooks Pregnant!

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Oh, yes I will be wearing shiny hot pants this Advent! Because I am a relevant, modern, body-poz feminist minister!

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I’m gonna work that Coffee Hour like a RUNWAY.

Try Something New In Jackets

Of course all clergy need to have sports jackets, a suit (or appropriately professional separates) and we all have those perfectly fine blazers we sigh and wear to the Rotary Club thing where they ask us to “give a talk” and we’re never sure what they might like to hear us talk about, and it’s slightly awkward but you get a free lunch.

PeaceBang hates the “sigh” clothes — those garments that do the job but don’t express anything about her as a person and bring no sense of joy. It’s not like I expect my clothes to make me happy — that’s what recreational drugs are for — JUST KIDDING —
but there is a big difference in my sense of confidence when I’m wearing garments that do more than just cover my incarnate bulk.

Therefore, it is always a nice surprise to be able to find retailers who are offering a refreshing take on jackets, that old workhorse of the professional wardrobe. I happened to find all of these on Eloquii, which is for plus-sized ladies, but you can bet these options are also available for non-plus bods. I’m just too lazy to find any right now.

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Not one boring, standard, ho=hum blazer.
Jackets with interesting shapes and cuts can make a beautiful statement. Shake it up.

Freshening Up The Basics

Happy new year!
Actually, okay, let’s be honest: SisterBang and I were on the phone New Year’s Eve and just could not bring ourselves to say “HAPPY” New Year so we tried to come up with hale and hearty alternatives that would be honest but not totally defeatist. We settled on “2017! Have at it!”

From The Sisters Weinstein to you, have at it!

It’s a good time of year to do a big closet purge and if you can’t go full Marie Kondo, at least weed out the saddest of your garments: the threadbare, the stained, the hopelessly unraveling. Clothing has metaphorical meaning as well as being literal covering for your bod, so don’t unintentionally and unconsciously communicate to others or to yourself that you’re literally falling apart at the seams!

Replenishing the basics is never a fun journey of discovery, let’s face it. But like purchasing new undies now and then, it must be done. Your wardrobe basics are those classic items you reach for every day and rely on, so make sure you are not without these staples. It’s worse than having no coffee and milk in the house! You can always run to Dunks if you’re out of coffee, but if you find yourself without a tailored skirt or bright white shirt, whence can you run?
Nowhere! You’re left flinging clothing around in your closet trying to come up with Plan B when there are much more important things to think about.

My professional BASIC NECESSITIES are as follows:

Black, white, grey sleeveless shirts, in cotton for every day and poly/silky blends for dressier. At least 28″ long. Neckline must be modest.

Black blazer.

Black pants.

Pencil skirts.

Hosiery.

Black and nude bras.

Trench coat.

Clericals.

Knee-high fitted black leather boots.

Dressy black 1″ heel shoes.

If all of these things are in order and ready to go, I am prepared for most exigencies of ministry. Accessories do the rest to make me feel like me. Without accessories, I would be a sad generic lady.

What are your BASIC NECESSITIES? You should know them and know that they look terrific on you and that you have them lined up and ready to go at all times. Please don’t wait for an emergency. Do a closet audit on a regular basis and be honest: what’s about to go? Line up a replacement now. Don’t wait for a Saturday night before Confirmation Sunday to realize that you never don’t have one dress shirt in the house that isn’t pitted out and frayed at the buttonholes.

I find it difficult to find one of my basic necessities: sleeveless shirts that are decent quality fabric with an appropriate neckline and long enough length — so I was very happy to see that J. Jill is having a sale on just such a shirt. J. Jill makes pretty decent clothes but their styles are definitely for the willowy type gal, because they seem to be ALLERGIC TO DEFINED WAISTLINES. Their clothes are all long and tunicy and sexless so I usually pass on by their site and stores. J Jill seem designed for the kind of woman who goes to Pilates every day and stands around in her granite-countered kitchen holding a glass of perfectly chilled Pinot Grigio whipping together a healthy dinner from the farmer’s market for her three adorable children.
She’s amazing on a sailboat and her peonies never die. She has been happily married since the age of 31 and she never dreams about slitting her husband’s throat when he snores.

I am not like this woman. I am terrible on sailboats, I buy just as much bread and cheese from the farmer’s market as I do vegetables and I need a WAISTLINE in my dresses!
This is just to point out to you that I am not the J Jill demographic but I did make out very well with this sale and I scored some excellent sleevless T’s:

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Look at that model’s guns! If I had upper arm definition like that you would find nary one sleeve in my closet. Even in the bitterest cold of winter, I would wear fur vests and show my upper arms.

ANYWAY, gang, I hope the new year brings you upper arm definition and fierce soul strength and a serious clarity around your vocation as I have felt in mine of late. We just cannot mess around. Prepare ye for a very difficult and painful Congressional agenda, and make sure your wardrobe is looking as ready as you are.