Beauty Tips for Ministers

Old Navy Dresses

Just a quickie: I know Old Navy is not a place many of you want to shop, but they are having a clearance sale on-line and plus-sized dresses are running $8-35. They’re really cute, versatile and flattering.

This comes in red and in and black-and-white pattern, too. I got it in black.

I tried this one on in the store just to check fit and it is quite beautiful. You could wear this to a wedding or a cocktail party with a pair of black peep-toe pumps and an upsweep and feel entirely vintage glam. The material is really nice.

This little jersey dress will be great for summer– their jersey is very lightweight and doesn’t hold up to many washings, but for $10, you get what you pay for. Throw on a cute cardigan and this is great for a day at church.

These frocks are only available online. I have found Old Navy to have very swift delivery and good customer service.

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Designers Obviously Declare War On Fat Women

So I’m thinking, “oh my gosh, I’m officiating at my cousin’s wedding in Palm Beach at the end of January, what am I going to WEAR?” I go on Nordstrom’s web site plus-size section just to look for ideas and I’m horrified:

Thanks for the respect for my body shape. When I join the Amish community I’ll be sure to stop by and pick up this racy little number.

Calvin Klein, this was hideous in 1984. Guess what. Still is.

Oh yeah, that’s flattering.

Oh, and so is this. Just what every large lady needs is a huge black bar slicing her in half, with a bizarre applique pattern that ends at that elongating, slimming spot right at the crotch. Someone got paid to design this?

Let me wrap myself in this enormous cranberry flouncy floof and eat a box of Christmas cookies.

I am in the WORST mood.

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Back-Smoothing Bra

Buying sensible, work-horse bras is at the top of no gal’s list of Fun Things To Do or Fun Ways To Spend Your Money, but it has to be done. You’ve got to get in there, get measured, try the bras on, marvel at the huge discrepancies among different styles, throw your back out contorting yourself trying to fasten some of them, and get the mad giggles at the sheer ridiculosity of some of the styles (“Oh my God!” I said today. “This isn’t a bra, it’s a serving platter for breasts!”).

Now, some of my dear readers are in no need of this style of bra, but just in case there might be a few sisters out there with “puppies” (PeaceBang’s cute name for plain old back fat), this style is a reported winner:

Let me know if you’ve tried it and it works!

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Bad Fashion and Styling At La Grand Dame

We are heartbroken to have paid a second visit to the very promising plus-sized clothing web site, La Grand Dame only to find these crimes against womanity gracing its pages:

A clingy midsection in screaming scarlet does this lovely lady no favors. Neither does the lank hair, cowl neck and wan face.

This skirt is a wrinkled mess. The garment itself is in trouble, but the photo is inexcusably bad.

The shapeless smock atop these garish legging is almost as bad as the leggings themselves. Yes, leggings are back in a big way, but NOT in patterns (especially for you, ministers — maybe for the under 20-set) and NOT in ill-fitting, baggy form like this. Disastrous.

These black pants don’t fit. They’re a rumpled mess around the hem. Who styled this website!!?

Is this, as the web site declares, the “perfect pencil skirt?” I don’t think so. But I can’t really tell, as the horribly tacky patterned stockings distract me too much to see the skirt properly. It looks too snug and too short.

This drab schmatta isn’t TOO terrible, but it’s pretty bad. The lines are bad, it doesn’t sit right on the model’s upper body, and her styling is all wrong. Why is she made up like a drag queen? This gorgeous gal is drowning in make-up!

This is a great look except for the unfortunate screaming ugly stripe of the wrap. What were they thinking? I’d kill for the shoes, though.

At well over $100, these dark denim jeans are neither fashionable nor flattering. Again: they do NOT fit. Look at all that floppy material around the thighs. Go to Lane Bryant and find the right fit for $40. The hem is unfinished and they’re just plain ugly. Can I please have those shoes, though?

She’s cute and it’s a pretty cute top, but wrinkled like that? And hundreds of dollars? I don’t think so. I can find something in a far more interesting color on the sale rack at TJ Maxx if it should come to that.

I would like to understand what make this incredibly expensive dress the Jackie O. dress. I don’t remember Jackie O. ever looking like a rumpled Catholic schoolgirl. This is an insult to plus-sized women. We don’t need this nonsense. And especially not for $348 dollars. They didn’t have an iron anywhere on the premises? During a photo shoot? If I was the designer I’d be furious.

We will certainly continue to revisit La Grand Dame in the hopes that they improve their offerings (the garments I showed are very pricey) and their styling. We are rooting for you Grand Dame! We encourage you to find a better stylist and photographer. I know you’re running a family business, but if we’re going to buy your clothes, they have to look good!

This is a YES! Interesting garment, good fit and vibrant. Please give that model’s hair some volume, though. And send the shoes to me any time. I wear a 6.5.

And this is also a YES because I would totally buy that top and wear it with a black suit over the holidays:
The hair and make-up and shoes look good.

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Skirts: Pretty and Hiddy

PeaceBang INSISTS that when one is leading or co-leading worship and not wearing a robe, one belongs in a SKIRT, not pants. Fight and fuss all you like, she is FIRM on this.

Say you have a lovely Mexican pine dining table with pretty, carved legs. You are hosting Thanksgiving dinner. Do you put a beautiful tablecloth on that table? Yes, you do. It is simply elegant and appropriate. There’s a reason men have been wearing dresses to preside in for centuries. They’re no dummies.

Purple is HUGE this year, and although I’m not a particular fan of purple, I love this skirt (given that you’re not going to be standing around with your leg sticking out like a kick-stand, hem it a bit higher on your calf):

This one has a cute little belt detail:

Sweet little kick ruffle at the bottom, but not so short that one’s modesty in the chancel is compromised:

You could wear this every single Sunday. Classic:

This, however, is a mess and inappropriate for Sunday morning. Why would any of us wear a garment whose defining characteristic is Looking Wrinkly? Heavens.

These tiered skirts are hideous and dated on everyone. No, thank you, 1980’s Gypsy Mama:

Totally cute, but too informal for the chancel. But if you’re not taking a major role in the worship service, by all means wear this:

Too summery, too vibrant, too busy:

And finally, your clothing’s patterns should not induce vertigo:

All skirts can be found at www.catherines.com, are plus-sized, and under $50.

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Shout Out: La Grande Dame

Hello, peaches!

PeaceBang is starting to feel ever-so much more human lately, thank you, and has been buzzing around on-line looking for fun springtime fashions, ideas and tidbits.

First of all, not to revisit the whole Michelle Obama bare arms thing, but simply to ask a burning question: WHERE does our First Lady get her eyebrows done? Ay Dios, I love Mrs. Obama’s arched brows. Not everyone could carry that off but she WORKS it. Deliciosa! Amen to the well-groomed brow, boys and girls (although boys, don’t over-groom or you’ll look silly — just groom any super-gorilla fuzz or uni-brow that makes you look more Cro-Magnon than you need to).

On another subject entirely, PeaceBang ran across a really neat website for plus-sized women’s clothing today whose tag-line she loves: “LA GRANDE DAME: MAKING SKINNY WOMEN JEALOUS.”

Now, PeaceBang isn’t about pitting slim sisters against bodacious sisters in any way, but she thought that was a saucy little slogan and it made her smile. All in good fun, no? The web site is designed very well and although some of the prices may scare you, there are some really special pieces there that may save you from sleepless nights if you have a really super-duper important event coming up.

I also love the model they use to show many of their dresses — that is one hermosa Latina lady here.

And how about this?

What a dress! How much fun is that?

Speaking of dresses, PeaceBang found one at Target for $29.99 that fits like a dream and will be her staple during her travels to Greece and Turkey this spring. It looks positively atrocious in this photo (those frumpy shoes! The bad posture and rumpled styling! Quelle disaster!) but trust, darlings, this thing is mondo flattering. If it can elongate and render positively elegant even the Reverend Miss Meatball over here, it may no doubt perform similar miracles for you. http://www.target.com/gp/detail.html/sr=/qid=/ref=br_1_8/182-4366674-8080352?ie=UTF8&node=16404371&frombrowse=1&asin=B001QJVZ8A&rh=&page=1

(Look at the Target website — they have it in purple and teal as well, and the model in the teal version is wearing cute gladiator sandals and showing the dress to a much better advantage).

As for HERMOSA, my project for bringing plus-sized fashion to the “grande dames” of Granada, Nicaragua, I am starting a small pile in my guest bedroom. I won’t have space to bring over much, so I am packing only really cute tops, skirts and dresses (summer weight, remember). No T-shirts or other things that can pretty easily be located in Masaya or Managua. If you are one of the lovely people who contacted me about sending clothes, I will be getting in touch with you soon.

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