“I believe it’s simply common decency to be presentable.” You TELL IT, Miss Elizabeth Wurtzel.
I hope this article will upset and anger some of you – then we can talk about it. She is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT about slovenliness being a sign of despair.
I also appreciate her insights about our generation. We were indeed raised to think of competitiveness as an important and necessary life skill, and it is true for my peers and I that our parents expected us to be able to support ourselves after college. I don’t want to set up a generational war here, as I understand that student debt, housing costs and job benefits aren’t what they used to be. I don’t judge young adults who live at home – it can work out well for everybody. But Wurtzel is correct: I think we were treated differently by our parents. They were not afraid to say, “Too bad. You got yourself into this, now get yourself out of it.”
Great article. It’s fun and surprising to still be looked at (sometimes) at age 51. I also work harder at it than I did at 21 – and I would say along with the writer that I look better than I did then. Certainly a lot more style-conscious and better groomed. I go to the gym 4 times a week. I am in a fabulous walking neighborhood, where the African American women put their white sisters to shame in this department. After I married my Jewish husband, I resisted his urging to use eyeliner, get pedicures, dress up, etc. Both my feminist and Midwestern sensibilities kicked in big time, and said HELL NO. A rabbi friend explained that it was quite a common expectation from Jewish men from the East Coast and the professional class. You don’t have to be beautiful, she said, but you are expected to be put together. What I started out resenting, I now enjoy. He does seem to think that this doesn’t cost any money, however. And we’re working on that.
Great article. It’s fun and surprising to still be looked at (sometimes) at age 51. I also work harder at it than I did at 21 – and I would say along with the writer that I look better than I did then. Certainly a lot more style-conscious and better groomed. I go to the gym 4 times a week. I am in a fabulous walking neighborhood, where the African American women put their white sisters to shame in this department. After I married my Jewish husband, I resisted his urging to use eyeliner, get pedicures, dress up, etc. Both my feminist and Midwestern sensibilities kicked in big time, and said HELL NO. A rabbi friend explained that it was quite a common expectation from Jewish men from the East Coast and the professional class. You don’t have to be beautiful, she said, but you are expected to be put together. What I started out resenting, I now enjoy. He does seem to think that this doesn’t cost any money, however. And we’re working on that.
I agree with her in principle, but I’m not at all sure that skanky blonde hair and visible tattoos demonstrate common decency. I guess I have antiquated ideas of what is lady-like from all those years of home ec. classes in the late 60s.
I do take issue with some of her ideas. Catcalls are a feminist issue. Compliments in the context of a relationship (of many kinds) are ok. Catcalls fall outside of that. But I digress. Aside from that, I like her insistence on presenting oneself to the world. For many my age (mid to late 20s), it is not seen as such. I constantly ask questions like “what happened to the other half of your clothes?” I keep these questions to myself, of course.
Wow. I agree now (I did not like her work in the 1990’s) but I don’t think, at least in that picture, that she embodies what she preaches. Not exactly elegant. [Not an image I find attractive, either, but we’re not her group. She’s very hip and urban looking and she has a “look,” period, which is her point. – PB]
This is sort of fascinating. As a member of this younger generation (i’m 26), I dress okay, but certainly not up to peacebang standards (i’m working on integrating things as I see fit and as it suits my calling :)). I am not just being self-deprecating; I am aware that I’m fairly lazy on the dressing-myself front – passable for the workplace, but not really putting effort into it.
And yet, I was definitely raised for hard work and independence. I did not live with my parents after college, and didn’t accept any aid from anyone until going to seminary (I think living on faith and accepting help from many sources is probably better than saddling my future with debt – a philosophy which is more related to being responsible than not, IMO). Knowing how to work hard and be responsible doesn’t make me *that* unusual for my generation, and I think you know that.
The disconnect between my investment in life (high) and my investment in my personal appearance (low) probably has to do with the fact that (a) my mom was a bit of a hippie and never really taught me about makeup, or heels (ack! do not like), wearing clothes that make you look good, and stuff like the article talks about. I have had to learn that on the go. She taught me how not to care what others think about you and how to be creative and joyful. (b) I’m just not as comfortable in my own skin yet. Without that early strong image training, it’ll take me a long time to learn to take care of myself in that way. And I expect that by the time I’m 45, I’ll probably be a lot better at it.
On the whole, I like the Gospel of Pull Yourself Together, but I want to offer a couple of personal perspectives. One is that I work in higher education, with future engineers – many of whom are female future engineers – and I want to defend them like a Mama Bear. They work very hard, many of them with the goal of curing diseases, increasing housing in poor and disaster-stricken areas, promoting more energy options, and doing serious volunteer work in their precious spare time. Many of them make a pretty good appearance on a hellacious work load and an an hour of two of sleep. And yes, they are still battling sexism, racism, and class-ism in all of their unpleasant permutations.
Also, I do wish high heels weren’t associated with some kind of superior womanly moral fiber. I try to wear the best-quality shoes I can afford and I shine them up every Sunday night for the week ahead. This past week, however, I’ve been nursing a foot injury from bicycling, and given that my 55-year-old self is getting a taste of what long-term foot pain might feel like, the feet are in sneakers for another couple of days until the injury heals.
That said, understanding that our choices have consequences is a good thing. It’s also helpful to remember the effect of our personal presentation on our attitudes and relationships with those around us. On the whole, I’d rather be prodded to put on some lipstick and dress as well as I can for the activity I’m performing – so thanks for your continuing ministry.
What I got from this is making an effort. I don’t get why more women and men don’t try to keep up their bodies with weights, walks, dancing, whatever. I’m always puzzled to see young women spend money on tattoos, makeup, expensive haircuts, and stylized shoes all in the pursuit of a distinctive look yet obviously do not attend to their form. I know how hard this is—I’ve already gone a week without doing weights in front of the TV as I try to do 3x/week in addition to a long nightly walk and the occasional sprints. But it’s essential for decent body function and form.[I RESEMBLE THAT REMARK!! So true. So hard to hear. – PB]
I hope this isn’t the PeaceBang philosophy, really. She’s pretty condemning. And, let’s admit it, Sarah Palin was not a slouch before she got her GOP makeover (governor of a state in which she was probably the best dressed person for 1,000 miles) and yet, she had to be made over, cuz presentable is not enough in our society. [Well, it mostly is, though. I think the slovenliness of our society needs to be condemned, so I’m fine with that. All our “live and let live” laissez-faire attitude about our own sloppiness and that of others has made our world a much uglier and less respectful place. – PB]
I felt embarrassed for her reading this. Someone as immature, insecure, and self-promoting as this woman doesn’t really have a lot of authority to tell the rest of us what constitutes common decency, much less dignity. She’s got one thing right: she hasn’t changed much in 20 years. Posing topless then, bragging about it now. I think she, as well as her hairstyle, needs to grow up.
She’s all over the map. Okay, put on some nice clothes before you go out in public. I’m with her there, but by sheer accident, because what the heck does that have to do with refusing to live with your parents? What she derides as a lack of self-respect, people of most cultures would call a natural interdependence within a family; surely she has seen enough of the world to know that it is only a very narrow population that considers it necessary to pay for a solo apartment in the same city where one has lots of loving family members. Or maybe not. She doesn’t seem very interested in the world outside Elizabeth Wurtzel.
If I wanted to hear people being criticized for laziness and lack of independence just because they didn’t have the speaker’s luck and privilege, I’d tune in to one of the many political speakers who are spouting that offensive nonsense every news cycle.
And if I want to point to a good argument for showing respect for oneself and others by the way one dresses, I’ll cite you, not Elizabeth Wurtzel.
UGH.
I’ve never felt that expressing valid arguments in an authorial voice so off-putting that your readers are loathe to admit you’re correct was any particular virtue. She could learn a lot from you about how be brassy, provoking, and bold without being insulting.
Yes, our culture of sloppiness is a problem and a sign of despair.
Yes, attention to beauty and being presentable is important and worthwhile.
And yes, her attempted-“tell it like it is” attitude is obnoxious, narrowminded, and counter-productive.
These things are not mutually exclusive. [I thought it was kind of funny! I didn’t take her as seriously as I think some of you read her. – PB]
Yes, Amy & Wintry Mix. This post has bothered me, and I’ve been carrying around a couple things I want to add.
Generational vice/virtue is a fallacy, as far as I’m concerned. We make choices within a context, with the best available information. Yes, I lived on my own in crappy apartments and temped and bought second-hand clothes (not just for their funk value) in my early years. But I also moved back in with my parents for several months when I was 26, after a job in Europe ended, while I freelanced, job-hunted, and got my bearings again. It was a good opportunity to renegotiate our relationship and make a good decision about my next step. I don’t regret it. I’m not ashamed. And I wouldn’t condemn anyone else who needed to do something similar. As Amy points out, individualism (as demonstrated by living separately from one’s family) is not intrinsically a virtue in every culture.
As upsetting as it is to see some habits of the younger generation, I have decided that my chief strategy for staying young is to get the heck over myself — meaning that I need to check myself before I tell those uphill-in-the-snow-both-ways stories. Yes, I typed my term papers, and yes, some of them probably were typed with an old ribbon that I was too cheap to change at the end of the semester. Yes, I accepted some crappy jobs when I needed the money, but I was also able to charm my way into others and learn a few things on the job (something that isn’t always possible in today’s skill-specific environment).
I’m also not blown away by Wurzel’s style in the photo – again, the hairstyle and the outfit may be fine for her, but I wouldn’t hold them up as particularly great examples of self-presentation. Also, if you read the history of the French resistance, Coco Chanel is not exactly the strongest model of personal integrity one could cite.
That said, the admonitions of Peacebang are never far from my thoughts when I make my daily presentation choices.