“Mmm hmmm. Oh, yes. Right! MMMmm. ABSOLUTELY”
This is a column that you may need to print out and anonymously send to someone you love, someone who is a compassionate minister or aspirant to ministry who has the very bad habit of vocalizing their assent to everything you say.
PeaceBang had a very difficult time concentrating on a small-group presentation recently because a participant vocalized her support and approval constantly throughout. This is a serious behavioral concern, as ministers must facilitate and participate in small groups all the time, and while it is appropriate to contribute some low-key murmurings when someone else is talking, it becomes an act of aggression to interject loud ejaculations constantly while someone else is talking. What this amounts to is interruption, and that’s not okay.
Active listening is a skill that all ministers must learn and practice and remain committed to throughout our lives. As in all things, we must learn how to govern ourselves so that our need to be emphatically present does not interfere with someone else’s right to express themselves without constant interruption.
It is very difficult and even sad to conduct a formal presentation with someone in close proximity loudly “yes-ing” and “right-ing” and “mmm hmmm-ing” everything that comes out of your mouth. One wants to say, “Thank you for agreeing with me and for being such an enthusiastic and supportive presence to me and the group, but I can barely hear myself think over your enthusiasm.”
Another example of how hard it is to do what we do and make it seem natural and easy. God does not call ready-made saints to the work of ministry — God calls ordinary people like you and me, with character flaws, behavioral weirdnesses, social anxiety and less than stellar communication skills. The hardest thing about ministerial formation (which, by the way, is a life long project, darlings!) is to protect our devoted hearts, give generously of our life force and spirit, and use all our strength and courage to shape the crappy parts of ourselves into something God can use. We do this work alone, we do it together, and it is done to us through the grace of the Holy Spirit. So let’s say AMEN and give thanks for the opportunity to be clay on the Potter’s wheel.
I appreciate the sentiment, having experienced this myself, but I want to offer a cultural difference (which may or may not be relevant to the situation you mention) which is that as a white woman, I have learned much from my African American sisters in ministry and in that style of conversation, and especially worship, verbal affirmation is extremely important.
Again, not that I disagree with you, but just a perspective. [I absolutely get this point, and you’re right. However, I have never known a black man or woman to interrupt with their vocal encouragement — always to punctuate. There’s almost a musicality about it, a true call-and-response. Great to think about what makes one way of doing that feel aggressive and anxiety-producing and another way life-giving and collaborative. – PB]
Thank you! I know folks who always are so loud while “listening” that the other person can’t even speak.
The other danger, however is to resort to stone-faced passivity when listening, and that’s just as dangerous. Actually, the most dangerous are those poor souls whose “listening” face looks remarkably like their “I need to use the restroom…really bad” face.
Listening is indeed an art, isn’t it?
This post should be required reading as one enters seminary. I remember being so annoyed by the chorus of vocal affirmers in class- they never shut it down!’
Just an ‘amen’ to Melissa, and an appreciation to PB for picking up on the music of it. I’ve noticed this as I’ve gotten to know more black women, and yes, it feels really good, not interruptive. I was surprised to hear myself doing it when talking to my new friends.
I had a mentor and other pastors who taught me that a LOW murmur of affirmation during a prayer was acceptable. More of a punctuation as you so eloquently said above.
A good friend of mine has this problem & it’s getting worse. He’s not clergy but a lay leader in his congregation. When we are talking & he gets going I have found myself pausing for a few beats then starting to speak again. He does quiet down eventually but it is most disconcerting! Thanks for validating my reaction to him!
“…use all our strength and courage to shape the crappy parts of ourselves into something God can use.”
I just love when your theological reflections reveal such deep and abiding truths!
Wanted to add this to the conversation:
Another way in which I have gotten interrupted is the passive-agressive joke that pulls focus from the presentation and onto the joke-maker. Sometimes it’s harmless, and sometimes it has served as an attempt to undermine piece of my presentation. This is very much not cool.
edit to previous post: I meant to say “pieces of my presentation.”