This question came to me via Twitter, and it’s a good one: “What do I wear to a ‘casual dinner’ at a parishioner’s house during an interview weekend?”
So tricky, so tricky! Here are a few thoughts for you, my dear and talented newbie:
1. Get comfortable with the fact that you’re probably going to be the most formally dressed person in the room, because you are interviewing and they can say “casual” all they want, but you should never be casual in an interviewing situation. They’re welcome to eat in jeans, or in work-out clothes. Practice your confident smile in the hotel room: these are weird gatherings that can tempt you into feeling like you’re off duty, but you and I know better than that. You’re not their pastor yet, so you can’t dress for dinner with them as though you are. Your beautiful, polished presence honors the invitation. I am certain that the hosts will have gone to great effort to put a lovely meal together, so your outfit should reflect back that effort. God knows you don’t want to be under-dressed. That would be horrible!
2. Your outfit should be comfortable but very put together. Styling is your friend here. Think soft fabrics (anything too structured, like a blazer, will seem too stiff and corporate for the intimate setting), think tailored, think accessories that make an impression but that don’t get in the way of your eating or gesticulating at a table filled with delicate items that could get knocked over. You really don’t need an “Oh, I’m so sorry I just knocked over a glass of Pinot Noir while enthusiastically detailing for you my vision of Christian Education at your church!” – moment.
So skip the charm bracelet and stick with the beautiful dramatic necklace, or use a gorgeous clip to hold your hair back. Avoid scarves, as they might wind up dragging in your salad. Gents, you should wear a nice, casual sports jacket but not a tie.
Some ideas: cute neutral trousers (something fitted nicely in a structured fabric), a navy cardigan, a beautifully patterned blouse, hair up in a chignon, pumps. A knee length pencil skirt, comfortable sweater with 3/4 length sleeves, pretty flats. A pair of wide-legged trousers with a perfectly ironed classic blouse tucked in, a great belt, and statement earrings. Dudes: khakis, shined up shoes, button-down, nice V-neck sweater. Throw a sports jacket on over all that for extra awesomeness.
No: jeans, big clompy boots, dangly anything, hair that will distract you or tempt you to play with it, crop pants, overdone glittery or sequiny details, shiny fabrics, or super fitted garments. Check for cleavage from a seated position. You will be leaning forward, reaching and using utensils (I mean, I hope you will, unless you want to go au naturel and eat everything with your fingers: that will certainly make an impression!).
3. Eat before you get there. Seriously. At least eat enough so that you aren’t actually hungry when you get to the house, as your job there is to be able to graciously converse and respond to pleasant inquiries (that are actually just as loaded with potential gaffes as any formal interview questions). You can’t really pay attention to what’s being said and to social cues when you’re wolfing down bread and butter or obsessing about the appropriateness of accepting a second helping of meatloaf, so make sure you arrive with a good blood glucose level and something in your tum.
4. One glass of wine seems fine to me, unless you know the former minister was a lush, in which case pretend to think it over and then say, “Oh, thank you. Maybe later, but I’d love a (club soda, tonic, Diet Coke).” And then don’t have a glass of wine at all. If the hosts are serving a wine they seem to be very proud of and have obviously chosen just for this occasion, it’s a good idea to accept ONE glass and make an appreciative comment about how lovely it is. If you’re abstinent from alcohol and you’d rather downplay that fact for the time being, you can say, “Thank you, but I don’t think I’ll drink tonight” if cocktails are offered. Always follow a rejection with an affirmation, e.g, “No thank you, but I would love some seltzer if you have some.” It’s the same thing with meat or sugar, or any other dietary restrictions. “I’m going to pass on the pork, thank you, but I would love some more potatoes if there are any left,” or “I don’t think I could possibly manage a chocolate mousse right now but if you’re making tea I would love a cup.”
5. No matter how much fun you’re having, never forget that this is still a job interview. Wrap up your stories in a timely manner and keep an eye on the clock. I am a total night owl and dining room gabber who can happily sit around a table for hours and hours talking late into the night, but in most gatherings people really want to get their guests out no later than 9pm so they can clean up and get to bed at a decent hour. As the guest of honor, it is up to you to look at your watch, exclaim, “Oh my gosh, it’s after nine already!” Let the others take it from there. They will, and they’ll appreciate you for helping conclude the evening, which has been work for everyone.
6. Be ready to offer grace, because you will be asked. Keep it simple. This is not the time to impress with your mad extemporaneous prayer skillz. It’s time to offer up a humble and short prayer, because the food is hot and your host or hostess is going to harbor deep resentments against you if you blather on too long and let the asparagus soup get cold.
7. Get up out of your seat and help clear. Don’t ask, just help. If someone says, “Please, relax,” you can still help by stacking plates. As a frequent dinner party hostess, I am amazed how many guests come, eat the food, and peel out the door without asking if they can help clear. I consider that to be a sign of poor character and bad breeding and I sniff with disapproval at such people, which causes Jesus to look sadly at me over his cup of coffee. When he does, I say, “Oh, stop it with your big puppy eyes. That is SO ill-mannered and you know it.”
8. Send a thank you card. A CARD that comes in the MAIL with a STAMP on it.
9. Good luck!!! xoxo Kiss of peace, PB
You are the BEST! Absolute best! Thank you, thank you!
Actually, this is good advice for the general invites you will receive after you have become resident as clergy. Especially with the way to politely decline second helpings, which is handy when you are invited to a bazillion Christmas gatherings. Personally, I have a magical grey dress that I wear to these events. It’s a jersey fabric work dress that works with a collar.
B
As soem one who is about to begin a curacy thank you for this.
Ah, the “informal” evening. Throw in nervousness and an attempt to not be introverted, and you get such an interesting version of my personality. I would have found your suggestions quite soothing – still do, anticipating upcoming rounds of such interviews. Something practical to “do” to prepare.
This is great advice that also covers things like faculty dinners at a colleague’s home and other events that are in that middle ground between professional and social (“so-fessional”?)
Tangential issue: I love an extemporaneous prayer as much as the next gal, but I have real problems when I’m asked to hold hands while a grace or benediction is given. My hands perspire heavily, and I have techniques for covering handshake awkwardness (fabric handkerchief, eye contact and smile, quick but gentle handclasp). I can even deal with holding hands for the duration of the Lord’s Prayer, or something of that length, as I can take a few deep breaths to stave off the perspiration for a minute or two. But I cringe when a pastor looks around at the sight of the flock holding hands and decides to go on about world peace, the charge of the community to seek justice, and the hope that God will call someone great to edit the parish newsletter. It’s probably a little traumatic for the people I’m holding hands with to feel a sudden rush of sweat mid-way through a heartfelt intercession about the lack of access to healthcare.
@Mary C – You made me laugh. And vow to offer shorter prayers!
This is great! I just did a round of UU pre-candidating and stumbled my way into some of these fabulous techniques.
But! I was always too shy to gently break up dinner with a “Oh my, look at the time!” comment because I didn’t want to seem bored or unwilling to connect. I didn’t think it was my place to direct the action like that…now I’m rethinking that but it seemed that so often the search committee had a master plan that included details of which I was unaware.
For example, twice at Saturday dinners it seemed like some folks wanted to wrap up earlier than others. Maybe my leadership could have been helpful but I didn’t want to put my foot in my mouth by getting in the middle of a subtle committee negotiation… [Very true, and well done! As a charismatic extrovert type who is too easily cajoled into a false sense that everyone is enchanted by my sparkling effervescence, I have to pull myself back lest I leave the party with everyone going, “Good God, we thought that mouthy broad would never shut up!” I think these social events are engineered to make us “open up,” and some of us need to know when to “shut it down.” And then, as you intuited, there is the need to also be sensitive to all the dynamics at play. – PB]
This makes me think of the interview I had with my first church. We were picked up at the Hotel by the District Superintendent who drove out to the church for a Church dinner. I wore one of my nicest suits (my parents had bought me one for each of the Christmases I was in Seminary)put on my nicest heels. I did my (then waist length hair) up, doing my best to not not look a child (and 25 isn’t far from it mind you). Professional make-up, classy earrings the whole package. You get the picture. I was dressed to look like the amazing pastor I wanted to be.
We pulled into the parking lot and instead of being brought into the church, I was directed away from the church into the church yard, where tables were set up and there were my future parishoners grilling hamburgers and hot dogs and drinking pop.
I still laugh at how out of place I looked, and the image of me making my way gingerly around the soft (it must have recently rained) church yard in my heels as I attempted to talk to everybody. Fun to look back on and laugh – but with the info I had, it was the right choice – and I got the “job”
The dress code at my old company forbid corduroy pants for men but I think they would also be okay for a “casual” interview (in the cooler months).
Funny but true- I recently stopped an acquaintance from wearing flip flops to a casual interview (for a security guard position).
D.Williams’ comment is not just funny but sad and true– I used to work with a 19 year old child who thought that her top was long enough since it met her waistband when she stood up straight. She took a *long* time to understand about the Festival of Inappropriate Sharing that we all got when she bent over…
*laughing to tears* OH MAH HEAVENS!!